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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to be feeling anxious?

81 replies

KJPxx · 02/07/2017 21:41

We are 8 weeks away from our summer holiday, my partner, our 2 children and I.
In 2015 we were on holiday and there had been a few rubbish months prior to it. My OH was paid off from his job, leaving the holiday for me to pay as well as all the bills. This led me to increasing my overdraft and borrowing to cover the cost of the holiday. We had booked Tunisia, this was cancelled due to the terrorist attack in sousse and we ended up in Malta, the holiday was doomed start to finish and finish it did. With my partner assaulting me in our room in front of our kids. Injured my head and arm so severely that a nurse was concerned due to the swelling to my head I may not be fit to fly.. Me and the kids were moved to another part of the hotel and I tried to continue the holiday as normal as possible.
On returning, he sought help of his own back. I had him arrested and he went to court. We slowly started to rekindle things. He found work and we started to move forward. He returned home and had to continue with a community order and probationary order as well as his anger management. Things did and have improved. We have had a handful of little arguments, he hasn't raised a hand to me since. However, he has started to be a little snappy and short. He keeps his hands down but raises his voice and it has got me so anxious I am worried that it may lead to the same thing.
I may be over thinking things, maybe just a little worried with the holiday getting so close as it's took me a lot to agree to go on this holiday and I've invested a lot of time and effort to ensure we have a good holiday to make sure it goes smoothly, but it's getting to the point where I am over thinking everything. He might give me a one word answer or sit silent for a while and I begin feeling like the holiday is a bad idea. I just don't know how to stop the anxiety if it's unjustified.
Also. I don't need the, walk away, you shouldn't be going with him anyway etc...
I just want some advice.. Tia x

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/07/2017 21:45

The anxiety is fully justified. Don't fight it. Listen to that anxious voice in your head. It is trying to protect you.

What is it telling you to do?

Guitargirl · 02/07/2017 21:45

Of course your anxiety is justified. What he did to you was terrible. Am not sure what other advice you're expecting apart from 'run for the hills'. Being that afraid is no kind of life. If it were one of your own children in your position, what would you advise?

ponyprincess · 02/07/2017 21:47

You deserve more and not to be treated this way. Your anxiety is totally understandable and justified given what you have experienced. Please consider calling Women'sAid for support.

Original poster
KJPxx · 02/07/2017 21:51

The thing is I'm not afraid. At home I have no anxiety about being here or being with him. We actually have a baby sitter for the first time since October last year and we are having a meal and a movie out. I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. It's just the holiday that's causing the anxiety. I find myself looking at hotel reviews and sorting through the bags of clothes and getting genuinely excited, then it just feels like a dark cloud moves in and it makes me anxious and worried.
I would kill any man or woman who did that to my children, hypocrite I know but I can't ignore the improvements in the past 2 years.
I suppose I should really discuss it with him shouldn't I

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 02/07/2017 21:54

I can understand why you're anxious. Especially if he's being snappy as well. You're probably very fearful and having flashbacks.
What do you want to do?

Original poster
KJPxx · 02/07/2017 21:54

I spoke with womansaid and options/impact family services when we first returned from our holiday. He sought help to prevent it and I sought help to get me and the kids through. I didn't allow him home until the kids were certain, which they had asked for from the start.

OP posts:
Original poster
KJPxx · 02/07/2017 21:58

I can't even answer that because I genuinely have no idea what to do. I know I don't want to walk away from our relationship, it has improved and at home I don't have any of these fears or concerns at home. It's just with the holiday.
The fact is nothing will ease that anxiety really even if I talk to him, until the holiday is over and it's been a successful one. I just don't want to tread on eggshells til/during the holiday x

OP posts:
Guitargirl · 02/07/2017 21:59

In my opinion he gave up the right to a discussion with you about anything the moment he assaulted you.

Am sure other people may have different advice along the lines of what you want to hear but mine would be to take whatever steps you need to do to end the relationship. There is a reason why this forthcoming holiday is triggering such a reaction in you. No relationship is worth a holiday triggering such anxiety for you because of the beating you got from your partner on the last one.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/07/2017 21:59

Can you go back to see the therapist you and the kids saw before? The holiday could well be triggering something PTSD-like.

AnyFucker · 02/07/2017 22:04

I don't believe you are overthinking this

You are underthinking it

You took an abuser back. He attacked yoiu in front of your children.Your subconscious is trying to tell you that was a mistake. Your subconscious is right.

Now you are living under a death sentence and so are your children.

Original poster
KJPxx · 02/07/2017 22:05

Yes I have an open door policy for myself and the children. A
Just a telephone call and it can be reinstated and I had thought of that, just didn't know how to approach it.
I understand what people are saying and believe me I never defended his actions for ruining a holiday and potentially our family, but like I say, i am 2 years down the line from that horrible incident and now we're in a good place.
He also has open door policy with his anger management therapist at Mind which maybe worth me asking him to book a few sessions before our holiday. If he is still committed to proving he is sorry and is not going to resort to that again, he shouldn't have a problem with it.
I just worry that I won't enjoy my children on this holiday. And I want to give them holidays to remember for the right reasons

OP posts:
Augustbabyyeah · 02/07/2017 22:07

Bloody hell, there is no way I would stay with someone who assaulted me.

Original poster
KJPxx · 02/07/2017 22:10

I agree maybe it is my subconscious telling me that I shouldn't be doing this but we are not living a death sentence. At home we are all doing well. The tension before that holiday in 2015 couldn't be smashed with a hammer let alone cut with a knife. Our atmosphere at home is calm and very relaxed now. I won't pretend we don't bicker - I'm guilty too. But the only anxiety I have is the holiday and I think it's because of the circumstances of the last even though our home circumstances are much different. We're both working, both had promotions within our work so financially stable. We aren't under each other's feet or on top of each other and sorry for the overshare but our intimacy has also improved. We seem to have a spark back which was dulled before.
But I can't stay with him and say we will never take the kids away again, if I say I believe he has changed (which I do) I have to let him prove it surely

OP posts:
Original poster
KJPxx · 02/07/2017 22:12

Can we move on from the 'there is no way I would stay with someone who assaulted me' please. It was 2015, I'm not walking away 2 years later when I feel he genuinely has changed. It's a built up anxiety about going back on holiday having been away when it happened and being the first time away since.

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 02/07/2017 22:16

Ok I'll ask another question to help you try and unpick how you feel.

What's the most important thing here for you out of everything you've said?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/07/2017 22:18

Yes, call your therapist.

Yes, get him to have more sessions now.

It can't just be you that has anxiety. If he is reformed then surely he has anxiety too as he remembers smashing your head in on the last holiday. What about the children? Surely they must be feeling anxious too having seen their mother attacked on holiday?

Why wouldn't you know how to approach reinstating your therapy? What you wrote in your opening post seemed to say it pretty well.

Augustbabyyeah · 02/07/2017 22:18

If you were completely happy with him you wouldn't be anxious. Treatment for irrational anxiety is CBT but quite honestly your anxiety is rational.

thestamp · 02/07/2017 22:19

I'm really sorry but you can't expect folk to give you responses that ignore the fact that you took back a man who tried to kill you in front of your children.

You've made a mistake taking him back and obviously you're going to be anxious going on holiday with him. He's getting snappy and you're about to go on holiday again, of course you are going to have anxiety. Because last time things started to get tense, they escalated, and then he beat you in front of your kids...

If you weren't anxious you'd be a complete fool.

There's no real answer to your question besides to not go on holiday with him and ideally to leave the relationship. I mean - obviously you should not be with this person. You are anxious because he has already proven to you that he is capable of beating you...

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/07/2017 22:20

Whose idea was the holiday?

thiswillhavetodo · 02/07/2017 22:20

I understand both POV on this thread. Surely you can understand why people are concerned? It is always going to be in your mind but from the other POV if you really believe he has changed and if he is approachable would it be advisable to discuss your concerns with him maybe even have a bit of a plan of action if you feel uneasy/threatened in any way? Plan to talk through it in advance make sure he knows he is to use words not actions. All couples bicker & argue you just both need to know how far it can go before you need to give yourselves a minute or 10 - but his anger management probably already covers that - but what I mean is I'm sure he will appreciate you being involved if that's what he wants. Not sure if that was any help at all x

Original poster
KJPxx · 02/07/2017 22:24

I feel the most important thing is talking things through with both my OH and the children. I have kind of got lost in these thoughts that I haven't considered firstly if the kids are sharing my worries and also I need to be open with my partner to tell him how me and the children feel if they do. If he knows then maybe he can provide the children and I with some reassurance.
I need to ensure my children have a safe happy holiday. I can't bare the thought of another holiday ruined and I'd feel awful if I did not enjoy it and them because of my concerns and then regret it because things go fine.

OP posts:
Josuk · 02/07/2017 22:26

It's not just built-up anxiety.
It's PTSD.

I get it that women often get back to abusers and justify it by 'he has changed'.....
But saying that you'd kill someone who'd do it to your children - well - you are doing it to your children.
Don't kid yourself.

You have taught them that it's OK to assault a partner (if you have boys) - or be assaulted (if you have girls)....
Kids growing up with abuse - often chose similar partners - and the circle continues. Or repeat behaviours.

I am sorry for them. Keeping a family together is a good goal. But not at that cost.

All I wonder - how did he manage to escape prison.

Guitargirl · 02/07/2017 22:28

You are going to talk to your children about whether they are feeling anxious about their dad beating their mum on an upcoming holiday just like he did last time? There are so many kinds of wrong with this I just don't know where to start. He is already getting snappy and you are worried that you might spoil the holiday? He's really done a number on you hasn't he?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/07/2017 22:28

Yes talk to him but also call your therapist in the morning.

Original poster
KJPxx · 02/07/2017 22:33

I do understand peoples concerns and believe me. It's nothing I haven't heard or said myself over the past 2 years.
The holiday was kind of something we both discussed and I actually initially told him when we first spoke about it last year that I would have to have a good think about it and told him exactly why.
He understood completely and didn't push me, so I came home one day with the booking confirmation as a surprise and he broke into tears and said he couldn't believe how lucky he was that I had put my trust in him again.
I must also mention that he used to be a cannabis smoker and drank a few cans EVERY evening. He stopped smoking altogether and now has one or 2 cans on a Friday and Saturday evening. So he has also changed in that sense knowing that he needed to control more than one thing to change his outlook and his attitude.
I think I'll call my therapist and speak with the children. Then chat with him and put this all to him and try and figure some things out.

OP posts: