AIBU to be feeling anxious?

[KJPxx]

We are 8 weeks away from our summer holiday, my partner, our 2 children and I.
In 2015 we were on holiday and there had been a few rubbish months prior to it. My OH was paid off from his job, leaving the holiday for me to pay as well as all the bills. This led me to increasing my overdraft and borrowing to cover the cost of the holiday. We had booked Tunisia, this was cancelled due to the terrorist attack in sousse and we ended up in Malta, the holiday was doomed start to finish and finish it did. With my partner assaulting me in our room in front of our kids. Injured my head and arm so severely that a nurse was concerned due to the swelling to my head I may not be fit to fly.. Me and the kids were moved to another part of the hotel and I tried to continue the holiday as normal as possible.
On returning, he sought help of his own back. I had him arrested and he went to court. We slowly started to rekindle things. He found work and we started to move forward. He returned home and had to continue with a community order and probationary order as well as his anger management. Things did and have improved. We have had a handful of little arguments, he hasn't raised a hand to me since. However, he has started to be a little snappy and short. He keeps his hands down but raises his voice and it has got me so anxious I am worried that it may lead to the same thing.
I may be over thinking things, maybe just a little worried with the holiday getting so close as it's took me a lot to agree to go on this holiday and I've invested a lot of time and effort to ensure we have a good holiday to make sure it goes smoothly, but it's getting to the point where I am over thinking everything. He might give me a one word answer or sit silent for a while and I begin feeling like the holiday is a bad idea. I just don't know how to stop the anxiety if it's unjustified.
Also. I don't need the, walk away, you shouldn't be going with him anyway etc...
I just want some advice.. Tia x

What are you going to say to your children ?

Are you hoping they will reassure you that daddy won't beat you up again ?

You say your children witnessed the attack - how are they feeling about the holiday? Excited or anxious like you? They might be worried the same thing will happen again.

I think if it is causing you this much anxiety you should rethink - your instincts are telling you this is not a good idea.

I am hardly going to walk in and say to the kids are you worried about dad beating mam again. I am very aware of how I will approach the subject with my children. Both the family therapist and childrens therapist gave my children techniques to approach their feelings. Because like millions of women, men and children some relationships do get better and it's more likely to get better with honesty and openness. Yes. I fear I may spoil their holiday by not being able to enjoy myself, YES as a result of their father's actions but more so if I don't seek the advice or discuss the issues prior to the holiday. Bottling feelings up caused the incident in 2015.
And yes. I'd kill someone for doing it to my child. And I'd throttle my own if they were an abuser but I also have to teach my children that mistakes don't define you. And if you do something bad you don't have to pay for it for the rest of your life.
And yes I said I feel like he is getting snappy but if you read it, I don't know if it is my over thinking causing me to feel like he is being snappy. He could give me a one word answer or we are sitting silent for a while which isn't particularly unusual but I'm reading more into it whether there is more to it or not.

The kids seem on the outside very excited. They mark their bedroom calenders daily with the days left and they both keep asking me to look at their new clothes. And I certainly do not want my children to 'reassure me' he won't do it again what a thing to imply!! I need to know how THEY feel about the holiday and if they have any concerns. If either of my children tell me they are worried and don't want the holiday to go ahead I will cancel without hesitation.

Hope the chat with the therapist helps.

I don't really have anything more constructive to say OP. I wish you and your children well.

How old are your DC's and what triggered him assaulting you in 2015?

How has the assault affected your DC's?

I am going to call her in the morning and also speak with the children. I'll try and book us a session together and alone to try and get some perspective.
I will speak with my OH and tell him how we feel, how I feel and what I need from him in the run up to and during this holiday. If he can't provide it we don't go. If the kids have any concerns we don't go.

Also, please don't feel you "owe" him for two years of good behaviour. What do you think he would say if you said, "I think I want to cancel our trip as I'm not comfortable with the idea of going away with you at the moment and I need more time". Would he be reasonable and understanding? If you don't think he will then that tells you everything you need to know.

Really - you are going to put it to your kids - to make decisions that you couldn't make???!!!
Kids who are excited about a trip - what kids won't be.

So - you are teaching them they mistakes don't define people. And that one doesn't have to pay for them all their lives.

So - how DID pay for his? Ordinarily - assaults with bodily harm are a criminal offence. Did you press charges?
Did he, maybe, do community service? Helped assault victims? Did something else to atone?

Or - he got anger management courses and stopped smoking hash, and cut down on beer...
Harsh punishment indeed.

Kids can't be in the middle of it - deciding between their love for the parent and fear of that parent. It's adult's job. Making decisions, leading by example.

If you must go on holiday - go with the kids. On your own and have a good time.

Sorry, x post. Good luck OP.

Do you still have a social worker? What did they think about this? I'm surprised they would advise this so soon after the assault. Two years is nothing, I imagine court wasn't too long ago.

Christ Almighty

It is rare to witness quite how many justifications and mental gymnastics someone can perform simply to stay with a violent man

I know it happens....but to see it happening live in front of our eyes is very disturbing

Op, if it was just you in this position it would be one thing. But you are subjecting your children to this dynamic. Appeasing an abuser is fucked up. Your children are getting fucked up.

They are 7 and 11, and to be honest I think 2015 was a mixture of things.
We booked our holiday when he had a good steady job, however he was paid off when the factory made cuts 2 days before Christmas (2014) and he looked for work tirelessly getting days here and there with agencies but couldn't find anything permanent.
This led to us struggling as we had just recovered from Christmas. Our daughters bday early January. A holiday to pay for and all the bills. On top of that he was smoking cannabis and drinking every evening. Which I was funding!! Got the holiday paid off and things started to look up. Prospect of a new job. Then we had to change our holiday due to the Tunis attacks. The job fell thru and the holiday ended up being a disaster. This just led to it coming out in the worst possible way on our holiday.

The kids were devastated. There is no sugar coating it. When we returned home I immediately sought help for them and myself and had him arrested.
It was actually a therapist that approached the subject with me about the children saying the one thing they wanted was their father home. So after 5 month we started moving forward. He had stayed over 4 evenings which was the Christmas eve and christmas night, new years eve and night and then returned home on January 7th to be with out daughter on her birthday, this is when he returned to stay.
The children are very well rounded and I reassure them regularly that if they ever need to talk to me about anything they can and if they'd like to see their therapist again they can. Neither of them have and they both come to me with any concerns very easily. They have not mentioned fears about their father and I since they last seen the therapist and even then was to say they had also seen a change in him.
A lot for two children who were 5/9 I know. But I never would have had him back had we not all been totally sure.

But your concerns are valid, you say he has recently become snappy and short, keeps his hands down but raises his voice.

You are watching and waiting.

I feel nervous reading that, I don't need to know where my husband's hands are if we argue.

Could he be back takking drugs and that has made him snappy. Be very careful please.

We returned from our holiday the back end of August 2015. He was in court in October 2015. Ordered to pay myself compensation. Undertake 150 hrs community service and 100hrs domestic violent probationary course both of which he has completed. He continued to see an anger management therapist until January of this year. 4 weekly for 6 months then 6 weekly.
And no. I booked to holiday with both my children begging me too. But I hadn't considered they may have these anxieties too as I have only began having them myself very very recently. We booked this holiday in September last year and despite initial worry I actually stopped thinking about it. The past week or so I've had the thoughts again.

My children asked for their father to return after 5 months of being apart.
I didn't say him giving up smoking and alcohol was a punishment but it was proof to me he wanted to change.
I will always tell my children what is right and wrong but I will never make them live in fear of doing wrong incase they are worried they'll never move past it.
He was punished whether it was suitable for yourself is another matter but it was satisfactory for myself and a judge.
I haven't took this decision lightly nor have I not taken this seriously. I pondered over the decision to book the holiday for some time and he has been a different man for the past 2 years. He hasn't been violent in any form since the incident in 2015, and yes I feel he will be upset when I tell him how I feel. Not angry - upset that he has made me feel this way. But if I told him I was cancelling I know what he would say. He would tell me it was my decision or remove him from the holiday so the kids and I can still go and enjoy it. Again, leading back to me speaking to the children. I am 99.9% certain my children will be more upset at their dad not coming than cancelling altogether and thats out of their love not fear

I'm pretty confident he isn't taking drugs but has spoke with his boss about reducing his work hours. The past 2 weeks have been 7 day weeks, 6 13hour shifts and a 6 hr Sunday both weeks and he's been tired. Not an excuse which I did pull him up for last week and he apologised and I don't worry about where his hands are, it was used to try and put it out there that he isn't being physical. It's just the bickering has become a little louder. He hadn't lifted his hands in the 7 year together before 2015 and hasn't since

It's like a car crash in a way - one knows we should mist leave it and not look - but we all do....

So - OP, can I ask you - ok your philosophy of forgiveness and not punishing forever. If, let's say, instead of beating your head&arm to a pulp - if he, let's say, violently pushed himself on you. And then - got punished - like you said - and then kids missed him (like kids do) - and he was also sorry, and had never done it before -
Would we be in the same thread - two years after it happened?

Just trying to understand how deep your ability to forgive - or dependence on this man actually lies....

You mean if he was a rapist or a child abuser. No I wouldn't tolerate or return to him and no the sentence would not have been enough. To be fair if it had of been either of those things I'd be the one in jail because I'd cut off his thing.
Hence the reason I've stressed our life before and after. I've had to consider our relationship as a whole not just that one thing. And it's very different. He punched me twice in my head, and once in the arm. It should. Ever have happened. He knows that. I know that and our children know that. But yes. I will continue to tell them whats right and wrong and when forgiveness is sometimes necessary. It's often said I'm too nice. Maybe so. But I'm not a push over. I'm strong willed and firm also

I don't depend on him. I have a relationship with him because I want to be not need to be

My OH was in a relationship for 5 years before we met. His relationship was not a violent one it ended due to his cheating ex.
He was alone for 18 months when we met. And had never been violent for 7 years. This outburst happened and he hasn't been violent since. He sought help himself and when I telephoned police he actually went to the station off his own back. The day after we returned from the holiday. He plead guilty and admitted it straight away. He changed his habits and hasn't went back to them.
This surely counts for something in people's opinions..

I am not sure why you are still with him after what he did to you