AIBU to be feeling anxious?

[KJPxx]

We are 8 weeks away from our summer holiday, my partner, our 2 children and I.
In 2015 we were on holiday and there had been a few rubbish months prior to it. My OH was paid off from his job, leaving the holiday for me to pay as well as all the bills. This led me to increasing my overdraft and borrowing to cover the cost of the holiday. We had booked Tunisia, this was cancelled due to the terrorist attack in sousse and we ended up in Malta, the holiday was doomed start to finish and finish it did. With my partner assaulting me in our room in front of our kids. Injured my head and arm so severely that a nurse was concerned due to the swelling to my head I may not be fit to fly.. Me and the kids were moved to another part of the hotel and I tried to continue the holiday as normal as possible.
On returning, he sought help of his own back. I had him arrested and he went to court. We slowly started to rekindle things. He found work and we started to move forward. He returned home and had to continue with a community order and probationary order as well as his anger management. Things did and have improved. We have had a handful of little arguments, he hasn't raised a hand to me since. However, he has started to be a little snappy and short. He keeps his hands down but raises his voice and it has got me so anxious I am worried that it may lead to the same thing.
I may be over thinking things, maybe just a little worried with the holiday getting so close as it's took me a lot to agree to go on this holiday and I've invested a lot of time and effort to ensure we have a good holiday to make sure it goes smoothly, but it's getting to the point where I am over thinking everything. He might give me a one word answer or sit silent for a while and I begin feeling like the holiday is a bad idea. I just don't know how to stop the anxiety if it's unjustified.
Also. I don't need the, walk away, you shouldn't be going with him anyway etc...
I just want some advice.. Tia x

Notarehearsal I'm so very glad you have pointed out that sometimes they don't do it again. I actually spoke about this with my mother and while part of her wants to tear his head off and she said I'm likely to have those anxieties and fears until I make that move. I do think it's the worry of being so far away, but I had already arranged an emergency fund for anything we may have needed as a family as well as a back up plan if anything went wrong as it did back in 2015.
I don't know how soon would be too soon.
We had a mini break in October last year just the two of us. I didn't have any anxiety or worry or even think about there being a repeat. I do want to try and take a leap of faith but I do understand why it feels wrong also.

The more I read your posts the more it feels as though you're minimising things. It's not normal for kids to be speaking to therapists, and it's far from normal to have to consider an emergency escape fund in case you get assaulted by your partner on holiday.

No of course it's not a normal situation. I never in a million years thought my children would have to see a therapist, but therapists come into people's lives for a million reasons. My son has spoken to a therapist in the past after he witnessed the death of his 7 week old baby brother to sudden infant death syndrome. Just out of hospital after being born 9 weeks early. Home for 3 days, when he died and my son (just 3 at the time) couldn't understand why he had a baby brother then didn't. However I've come to learn that talking therapy is a good way to just talk about everyday life, it's not just used after trauma. The way they see this appointment on Friday is just that she is following up and checking how we're doing.
And read the post again. The emergency fund is on a cash card which was set aside for emergencies - not an assault. It's there however if I feel things become tense and I can use it to get another room for the OH. Of course this isn't normal. It's not normal to worry of an assault or that I was assaulted in the first place. But what else isn't normal is a total lack of forgiveness and this idea that people won't change.
I will be worried of course I will I worry from booking a holiday til it's over as it is for a million reasons. This is an added worry I do not want but I will never find a way to move past it if I keep thinking 'he might, what if, he could'
If I am willing to remain in this relationship - which I am. I must also learn to trust again. If I'm proven wrong then I will accept that and walk away from this life with my children.
However if I am right to give him the opportunity to show me he has changed and like I say, I haven't had a single doubt about home life etc, the holiday nearing has caused me worry - no I agree, not normal but it is going to take us BOTH working through these things to normalise them for us again.

But what else isn't normal is a total lack of forgiveness and this idea that people won't change

Oh, I think people can sometimes change, I just think the severity of the misdemeanour needs to be taken into account as to whether that forgiveness means taking them back into our lives on the same level as before. I can empathise when good people go off the rails, and I could probably get to a place where I tell them I understand the whys of their actions, and that I admire how they've worked hard to turn their lives around. But forgiveness does not have to mean back to business as usual, and an assault IN FRONT OF THE KIDS (where if he'd punched you a bit harder in a slightly different part of your skull could've meant your kids going to therapy to deal with a brain dead mummy!) would be too far IMO.

I appreciate that therapy is used for all sorts of things, but that I don't consider it normal that kids should need to see therapists because they've witnessed their mother being beaten by their father, and that the mother has taken him back.

You say you're taking a leap of faith. If you were child-free I'd say rather you than me, but that it's entirely up to you as you're the only one who's going to suffer if you're wrong. But as you have children (especially who witnessed the asssault) I think you're being rather selfish. He can still be part of their lives, just not so close that they risk a repeat performance. You wanted to teach them that forgiveness is a good trait, fine. You could've explained that it's possible to forgive someone when they work hard on their issues and turn their life around, but at the same time that DV is something never to be tolerated. That you can forgive someone for it, but that doen't includereturning to the same situation.

And it doesn't matter that the emergency money/plan was not specifically for potential DV, just that you're even considering that it's useful to have just in case! That's so not normal. These reasons I way I said I think you're normalising it. They have become your normal unfortunately, but they are so not.

OP, I admire and applaud your determination to try and make things work. I do feel worried though for you. I don't know if it will happen again on holiday or in a year's time, but I'm worried. It's up to you, but me and others who have suffered at the hands of an abusive partner are trying to tell you that we recognise what's happening. You feel like you are walking on eggshells for a reason. That is your instincts telling you that you are not safe with him.

Jesus, isn't life too short to be saddled with this sort of crap?