AIBU to be feeling anxious?

[KJPxx]

We are 8 weeks away from our summer holiday, my partner, our 2 children and I.
In 2015 we were on holiday and there had been a few rubbish months prior to it. My OH was paid off from his job, leaving the holiday for me to pay as well as all the bills. This led me to increasing my overdraft and borrowing to cover the cost of the holiday. We had booked Tunisia, this was cancelled due to the terrorist attack in sousse and we ended up in Malta, the holiday was doomed start to finish and finish it did. With my partner assaulting me in our room in front of our kids. Injured my head and arm so severely that a nurse was concerned due to the swelling to my head I may not be fit to fly.. Me and the kids were moved to another part of the hotel and I tried to continue the holiday as normal as possible.
On returning, he sought help of his own back. I had him arrested and he went to court. We slowly started to rekindle things. He found work and we started to move forward. He returned home and had to continue with a community order and probationary order as well as his anger management. Things did and have improved. We have had a handful of little arguments, he hasn't raised a hand to me since. However, he has started to be a little snappy and short. He keeps his hands down but raises his voice and it has got me so anxious I am worried that it may lead to the same thing.
I may be over thinking things, maybe just a little worried with the holiday getting so close as it's took me a lot to agree to go on this holiday and I've invested a lot of time and effort to ensure we have a good holiday to make sure it goes smoothly, but it's getting to the point where I am over thinking everything. He might give me a one word answer or sit silent for a while and I begin feeling like the holiday is a bad idea. I just don't know how to stop the anxiety if it's unjustified.
Also. I don't need the, walk away, you shouldn't be going with him anyway etc...
I just want some advice.. Tia x

I didn't say if he was a serial rapist....
I said if he pushed himself on you.

You say 'He punched me twice in my head, and once in the arm. '
In that case - you'd have said - he was so stressed losing his job, blah, blah - he pushed his penis inside me, just once. He was so sorry after that, and was punished.

Same exact thing. Not sure how one is unforgivable, and other is in your book.

And how you can possibly look at your daughters eyes and tell them - when you grow up, and your partner beats you up - you'll need to forgive them.

And no - not a pushover, not dependent on him.
And don't use your daughters missing him (at 5/7 yo they'd have missed him even if they saw him paralyse you, or worse) - don't use that as an excuse for letting him back to your life.
I do understand - that it's a thing with many abused women who seem to want to go back. Low self esteem, or something like that, I guess. Thinking that no one else will ever want them.
And that never ends well.

And - when your daughters grow up - how that ends for them - no one knows.

I feel sorry for you but is anyone else reading this thinking he's got something awful planned for the holiday to even the score and your subconscious is screaming at you don't go

Like those people in the movies where we're all shouting don't go down to the basement but they still do

I think you know what's best

The thing is I'm not afraid. At home I have no anxiety about being here or being with him

The problem is OP, that the women who end up in hospital or killed (and I'm not saying you will be) - it's often because they had no anxiety about being with men they should have been fearful of. Their family and friends may know and fear for them.

You're going to have to be completely honest with him about the fear that you feel because otherwise you'll end up having a meltdown on holiday.

The time to ask your kids was before you booked not now. Don't ask them to tell you what to do. They will simply say what they think you want them to.

How hard would it be for you to admit that this holiday was a mistake? That staying with him was a mistake? Is it really so hard?

That is why I need to speak with the children, himself and our therapist.
I know my feelings are rational but at the same time I am not going to make that one incident determine our whole lives.
No I wouldn't tell my daughter or my son that if it just happened once it's OK. And no. If he forced himself on me I would not be OK with it and would not take him back and would seek a much harsher punishment. I am sorry but the 2 in my opinion are not the same.
Bruises and swelling heal, yes emotionally it takes a while longer but the emotional scarring of rape I know matter of factly bears a greater emotional scar. Probably the reason why domestic rape carries a tougher sentence than domestic violence.
I have to consider our 9 year relationship as a whole and if it happened again no matter how small or large I'd walk away with my children and that would be it.
I don't have a low self esteem in my relationship, or out of one and do not need to feel as though I should be 'wanted' by something else. If I wasn't with him my mind certainly wouldn't be on someone else wanting me and I don't believe anyone should be thinking of that when they're in a relationship.
I will never tell my children tolerating abuse or being an abuser is OK as long as it is just once but I will also tell them that they mustn't think it defines them or their relationships.
But I took our then 7 year relationship, looked at the happy/good times and then the bad. Considered his actions since the incident and then made a decision based on the opinion of my children and myself.
I don't want to walk away from the relationship. That's not what I posted this thread for. It was for advice on ways of working through my anxiety to try and move past it.
I don't believe no one on this forum has ever forgiven an abuser whether it been a family member to their spouse. A friend to their wife/husband. A child or a spouse themselves and found that life afterwards did get and continued to stay better. You may have tread eggshells for a while but I don't believe it always stays because in general I don't

I did ask the children before I booked the holiday, after deliberating on the decision for about 6-8 weeks initially I spoke with the children and the therapist. The children spoke directly with the therapist to try and ensure they told how they felt not just how they thought I'd want them too, hence the reason I booked because both kids didn't display any concern or anxiety, our son was 10 by this time and he is a wise owl. He spoke his mind very openly about the situation on holiday and he speaks openly with issues he has at home. Our daughter is never afraid to speak her mind and I'm fairly sure they wouldn't have been OK with it if they genuinely weren't. Especially as I had openly told them my concerns (in a sensitive manner)
I was, at the time, sure that therapist would laugh me out of her room and come and tell me the children did not want to go.
Very different however in reality. And for once. I had social workers and therapists giving me facts and statistics about people who CAN change instead of being cynics and saying people can't.

The thing that concerns me the most here, is that your children's therapist broached the subject with you of your OH returning home.

I cannot imagine why any therapist would consider this acceptable - why they would think that advising you that your children wanted your abusive partner home would be ok. It's almost emotional blackmail? Cannot fathom it at all.

Regardless of that, OP, your fears are real. I'm not going to tell you to LTB because it's quite clear that that's not what you're interested in. You need to speak with your therapist, and you need to ask him to speak with his.

First of all it wasn't emotional blackmail, I'm confident that the therapist was able to determine whether this has been their own decision and they had not been put on BY ANYONE to reach that decision..
The therapist didn't recommend him returning she simply told me the children's thoughts and feelings and offered me advice in moving forward if it was something I was going to consider..
I hadn't broached the topic of their father returning home until they did.
I have made stupid mistakes in my life. Plenty. And I am glad the people in my life didn't turn their backs on me because I changed. Believe me - some of the things I did looking back are unforgivable. But without forgiveness and love I probably wouldn't have changed.
I feel I am not going to get the answers I need overnight, nor here on MN as I should really be seeking answers from people a little closer to home. Including my own family.
Thank you all however the fact you all care is a beautiful thing.

Holidays can be hugely relaxing for families but I also know of families where holidays have been a flash point and it's all gone to shit. Drink, sun and spending time 24:7 with each other can tip it over the edge. You're anxious, your kids are anxious, I guess he'll be feeling it's " all his fault" (which of course it is). I just think it's a recipe for disaster and too early. Speak to your therapist and if you can discuss it with partner tell him you're anxious and considering not going.
his increased sulking worries me. Sounds like he could be building. Only you can make the decision, but it's yours to make, no one else's.

No he hasn't been sulking, he has had a few snappy moments which he has apologised for and addressed. I think partly my concern is justified and partly it's not. But. Either way I need to speak with everyone involved. Therapist. OH and children.
He was very understanding last year when I told him the concerns I had. And I feel confident he will be when we discuss things again tonight.
I can't stress enough though how well things are going other than this. I know that sounds like excuses but things are better than even before other than the new found anxiety. He contributes more emotionally and with homelife. He initiates family time. Things are good in general. It's literally the holiday creeping up that has me uneasy

Your holiday will probably be fine. Probably. I fully expect you to have been assaulted again, within a couple more years though because people who are capable of doing something like that pretty much never change. I'm really troubled by your posts and the amount of power you have given everyone else, especially your children in making serious decisions over your relationship with a violent man.

I'm not giving my children any responsibility. And I can't live in fear of 'probablys' all of my life. I really thought MN would help me gain some perspective but in reality it has shown me some people are small minded. My children don't make decisions. I want them to have the opportunity to tell me how they feel.

I think the holiday will probably go ok, you will be on high alert.

I believe the real danger lies further into the future when you have moved on from this and the walking on eggshells is a thing of the past.

I wasn't seeking advice on my parenting abilities. I don't require any help in that department and find for people who are offering advice on quite touchy subjects some can actually be quite awful. If someone comes to you with an issue about a domestic situation what gives you the right to imply they're failing as a parent also. I have an appointment with my therapist and I have spoken with my OH to tell him we need a chat. My children and I will talk over tea this evening as their father will still be at work. Thanks for some of the helpful responses

It was for advice on ways of working through my anxiety to try and move past it

You can't really work through an anxiety that has an ongoing and legitimate cause. You're just going to have accept that it will be part of your life.

There are two separate issues: one, the holiday and two, the rising fear of his snappiness, which you would feel regardless of whether you were going on holiday or not.

No experience in this at all.., and a bit hesitant to comment after others thoughts, but a couple of practical solutions:
Could you cancel & book something close to home for a shorter break? Jumping from not going away to full on family holiday is a leap after a traumatic trip, I would find it too much and would need to ease myself in with practice trips I could escape from quickly if it got too stressful. Stay close by and take two cars?
Or, if you really don't want to cancel, could you get separate accommodation for your husband? Strict rules of him not visiting the hotel you're in. Spend days together but know that each evening you have space to breathe and not worry? Again, more an easing back into holidays with him rather than the full step.
Wishing you and your children all the best.

Yes but I haven't had any feeling of anxiety regarding our home life. I am only anxious with thoughts of the holiday and I don't tread on eggshells or worry about his behaviour or fear him in anyway at home. It's literally stemmed from the holiday. And yes I had considered the holiday at home or trying to find alternative accommodation for some or all of the holiday, hence the reason I need to speak with him. I have therapist appointment at 16:10 tomorrow

KJP, as you have children and especially as he assualted you in front of them, were social services ever involved? It's not as though it was "just a light smack" was it, he could've killed you!

Yes social services got involved and when he moved back in they carried out all relevant assessments. They signed off less than 6 months later.
This was after his probationary course and community order was completed.

My goodness, if only ALL violent domestic assaults could be resolved as positively as yours OP...

You may not like the answers you're getting but the fact is you're still wary and fearful of him. You're instincts are on high alert because he's being snappy towards you. Whether you believe it or not you're reacting to the signs and signals he's giving out that are taking you towards more violence towards you from him. As I said, you'll probably be ok this holiday but I think it will happen again in the future at some point. I will leave it there as you don't seem to like hearing answers that don't agree with you.

It hasn't stemmed from the holiday though has it, it's stemmed from his violence, which could happen anywhere, hence your wariness of his recent moods.

The bottom line is you're scared of it happening again full stop. A holiday reproduces the same conditions as last time, but the next time may have different conditions.

I sat down with the children tonight and told them I'd booked us in for a couple of sessions with our therapist. It didn't seem to set off alarm bells with them which I'm happy about.
However I didn't say why or tell them how I was feeling about the holiday. Instead I used an activity shown to me by our social worker and therapist back when it happened. The 3 houses approach. I drew 3 sunshines - due to the topic being about holiday - and labelled each one. Happy house, Worry house, Sad house.
I asked them to write inside the sun as much as they could fit about the holiday inside. What makes them happy. What makes them worry. What makes them sad.
My son (11) has put all the usual happy things in, as did my daughter (7) Sun, fun, beach, watermarks etc..
My son left sad empty however put in worry that he would get sun burn (has never happened) and worried incase a shark comes in the water (recently seen it in paper about the shark off the coast in majorca)
My daughters worries are that she will be too small for some slides and the water park, that she will not make friends by the pool and that she won't get to do parasailing.
For sadness she said getting poorly or having rain on holiday.
I'll also ask the therapist when she sees them on Friday if she can do a similar task to see if their answers differ.

Got kids tucked up in bed and spoke with OH.
He cried a little and says he understands. He has offered to pull out of the holiday and let me go with the kids.
He wants me to feel safe and if being there with him is going to get in the way of that he doesn't want to ruin it.
I do appreciate people who have taken the time to post and offer advice but I can't help but disagree when people say 'people never change'.. That's not a fair statement. It's actually quite upsetting that of all the people who have offered their input none of you believe people can change.
Surely everyone deserves a second chance, I know I have had plenty from my loved ones

My ex dh hit me quite badly when we were both really young ( and drunk) We got married some years later and remained married for twenty years. He was never, ever physically or any other way violent again. I actually believe it is very occasionally a one off.
As for the holiday, I think you are making a mistake. It sounds too soon and the memories of the previous one too fresh.
Maybe the memories of having to stay in a different country after the assault and normalising a completely abnormal situation are too much for you right now.
I'd cancel, honestly. You can get last minute deals by a beach in this country, the children will still have as good a time, they clearly want to be with both parents. But somewhere more local to you, where you may not feel so much out of control may well help.

things are better than even before other than the new found anxiety. Yes could be PTSD but is it also a sign of anxious undercurrents. I couldn't live like that, having done it once years ago. I'd rather be proved wrong about him but have peace of mind on my own, than stay and live with that anxiety, or worse.