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Relationships

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Original poster

Changing your kids surnames once married. Do they lose their identity ?

85 replies

Highlyinternational · 01/07/2017 21:27

My boyfriend and I of 5 years have been discussing marriage.
Neither of us have been married before.
I have two children aged between 8 and 10, he has none.

I left a DV relationship with the children's father when the youngest was newborn, so whilst they saw him sporadically for the first year or so after I left, they then had zero contact for the next 4 years. There's never been a contact order in place - he was never interested- and he refuses to contribute financially.

They don't ask about their absent dad, and they have been calling my boyfriend Daddy for 4 years now. The youngest followed his sister's lead doing this but he's properly bonded with him now. They even act like father and son as son adopts his mannerisms and so forth.

My daughter started calling him Daddy perhaps because she missed having a dad around, I don't know. Although I never lived with their birth dad.
Either way they are both aware of the Dad distinction, and unfortunately have both witnessed DV. My daughter as she was 2 or 3 then, and my son last year when he turned up unexpectedly and caused a scene in the street, shouting at the kids, calling me names, the police were called etc etc They're both frightened of their birth dad.

Anyway that's the backstory.

My boyfriend is the only partner I've had since I left their birth dad. We started living together a year ago. We had a miscarriage two years ago, but it was unexpected (I was 46😳)and obviously aren't TTC at our age.

Discussing marriage, he's asked what the situation would be with the children's names. I'm ok with changing my name to his, but the children are 8 and 10 and do you think their identity is already set in their own surname? Would they struggle with adopting a new surname?

Double barrelling won't work - it sounds phonetically awry.

I don't like the idea of him taking my surname, beside which his surname is wrapped up in his business name and everything.

But he has mentioned he'd like them to take his name as well as me.

Does anyone have any stories of renaming their children once married to someone other than their birth dad? I'm curious to know if it affects their sense of identity or not.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 01/07/2017 21:33

At 8 and 10 they are old enough to talk to and ask their opinion about this.

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 01/07/2017 21:37

I was a little younger than your kids when my mum remarried. She asked if we wanted to change our surnames, we didn't.

It's their names, let them make the decision.

PurpleTraitor · 01/07/2017 21:40

I'd just keep the same name as my kids.

tribpot · 01/07/2017 21:43

My mum remarried when I was a bit younger than your dc. It never even occurred to her that we might change our names. I would have found it extremely unsettling. If you all want to have the same name, the best option is for him to change his.

Original poster

Highlyinternational · 01/07/2017 21:50

The trouble is, I think I already know the 8 year old would want to take his surname, but my 10 year old is a people-pleaser and she would also take his name probably even if she didn't actually want to. It's like getting blood from a stone with that one when trying to communicate

They can't both have different surnames !

And it isn't an option for him to take our surname. We've already discussed that.

OP posts:

5OBalesofHay · 01/07/2017 21:57

Why not just keep their names as they are?

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 01/07/2017 21:58

Mine was changed and I defaulted back to my original name by deed poll as an adult.

If you all want the same name he should be willing to change to yours.

TittyGolightly · 01/07/2017 22:02

Why can't he change his name to yours?

TittyGolightly · 01/07/2017 22:02

If he won't, just have everyone keep their own names.

Original poster

Highlyinternational · 01/07/2017 22:11

All the posters who are suggesting he should change his surname to mine - did your husbands all change their surnames to your's? ....

OP posts:

SuperBeagle · 01/07/2017 22:12

My husband took my surname, yes.

But since it's apparently out of the question for your bloke, I suggest you keep your current surname and leave the kids' as they are.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 01/07/2017 22:14

We all kept our own names...

Why not?

Original poster

Highlyinternational · 01/07/2017 22:14

SuperBeagle it's very, very modern and trendy for the man to take the woman's name. I don't know anyone who's done this.

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 01/07/2017 22:14

I think the reasons other posters are suggesting he changes his is because in this situation 3 family members already have the same surname. Plus (not to be depressing) in the case of a divorce, the children would have a surname of a man they aren't biologically connected to or socially as a unit if that makes sense.

Many women take a married name and use their maiden name professionally with zero issues. In this situation, I'd have said your husband doing what a lot of women do makes sense.

TittyGolightly · 01/07/2017 22:15

Nope. But I didn't change mine either. Was never an option for me. 2 weeks on honeymoon of him being called Mr Golightly showed him exactly why.

Had considered changing both names to something neutral, but this way has worked for us for over a decade.

Original poster

Highlyinternational · 01/07/2017 22:18

Well, as I,said, his surname is tied to his business so it isn't really an option for him to change it.

It's more about the children really anyway, wondering how they would deal with having to change their surname.

OP posts:

Bosabosa · 01/07/2017 22:20

Do your kids have your name and not your ex's? If that is case I would keep all 3 the same and your hubby can keep his too. In my blended family we have three of us with one name, one with another and one double barrelled and is just not an issue . Good luck x

AfunaMbatata · 01/07/2017 22:21

keep their names as they are, they'll change them if they want to in the future.
Also, why can't they have different names? My Dsis named some of her children with her last name and some with her husbands (she kept her own last name). It's caused no problems.

FeckinCrutches · 01/07/2017 22:23

Why can't they just keep their own names? Why do they need to change? Mine haven't.

MyheartbelongstoG · 01/07/2017 22:25

Wouldn't it be easier for just one person to change name and not the children.

I'd leave them be.

reallyanotherone · 01/07/2017 22:25

Who's surname do they have now? Yours, or their dads?

Does he have parental responsibility? If he does, you may not be able to legally change it without his consent.

I'd leave them be.

debbs77 · 01/07/2017 22:25

I would think you would need you exes permission anyway?

Original poster

Highlyinternational · 01/07/2017 22:26

Bosabosa My children have the same surname as me. I never married their father.

OP posts:

TittyGolightly · 01/07/2017 22:27

I think you're insane considering changing anybody's names.

Original poster

Highlyinternational · 01/07/2017 22:28

Yes their birth dad has Parental Responsibility.

They have my surname though, not his.

I hadn't consider d they might need his permission. He certainly wouldn't give it!

OP posts:

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