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Original poster

Changing your kids surnames once married. Do they lose their identity ?

85 replies

Highlyinternational · 01/07/2017 21:27

My boyfriend and I of 5 years have been discussing marriage.
Neither of us have been married before.
I have two children aged between 8 and 10, he has none.

I left a DV relationship with the children's father when the youngest was newborn, so whilst they saw him sporadically for the first year or so after I left, they then had zero contact for the next 4 years. There's never been a contact order in place - he was never interested- and he refuses to contribute financially.

They don't ask about their absent dad, and they have been calling my boyfriend Daddy for 4 years now. The youngest followed his sister's lead doing this but he's properly bonded with him now. They even act like father and son as son adopts his mannerisms and so forth.

My daughter started calling him Daddy perhaps because she missed having a dad around, I don't know. Although I never lived with their birth dad.
Either way they are both aware of the Dad distinction, and unfortunately have both witnessed DV. My daughter as she was 2 or 3 then, and my son last year when he turned up unexpectedly and caused a scene in the street, shouting at the kids, calling me names, the police were called etc etc They're both frightened of their birth dad.

Anyway that's the backstory.

My boyfriend is the only partner I've had since I left their birth dad. We started living together a year ago. We had a miscarriage two years ago, but it was unexpected (I was 46😳)and obviously aren't TTC at our age.

Discussing marriage, he's asked what the situation would be with the children's names. I'm ok with changing my name to his, but the children are 8 and 10 and do you think their identity is already set in their own surname? Would they struggle with adopting a new surname?

Double barrelling won't work - it sounds phonetically awry.

I don't like the idea of him taking my surname, beside which his surname is wrapped up in his business name and everything.

But he has mentioned he'd like them to take his name as well as me.

Does anyone have any stories of renaming their children once married to someone other than their birth dad? I'm curious to know if it affects their sense of identity or not.

OP posts:

Migraleve · 01/07/2017 22:29

I don't understand why your getting married has any bearing on the names of your children. If you want to change your name according to your relationship status that's fine, but you don't need to change anyone else's

debbs77 · 01/07/2017 22:30

I don't know if there are any situations where you wouldn't need his permission but he has parental responsibility to very likely you would need him to agree

Hiphopopotamus · 01/07/2017 22:31

Yep if you all want the same name it surely makes sense for one person to change it rather than three! But that concept might be to our 'modern and trendy' for you. Unfortunately the mans reason why it would be impractical for them to change their name always seem to win out.

Plenty of women in business change their name, but keep using their maiden for their business. But I'm sure there will be a reason why this isn't an option for your DP!

user073795 · 01/07/2017 22:32

They can't both have different surnames !

Why not? I had two dc before dh, we got married and I took his name. The eldest dc decided to take his surname too, completely her choice (she was 8 when we married). Youngest dc was only 2 at the time but he is 8 now and has (so far) decided to retain my maiden name. He doesn't want to give up his identity and we respect his choice.
Let your dc make their own decision

Somerville · 01/07/2017 22:34

Yes you'd need their father's permission, since he has PR.

I don't understand really why you and the DC would change your names at all on your marriage. Keep your name so you have the same name as your children.

Original poster

Highlyinternational · 01/07/2017 22:37

This is all very helpful, thankyou so far.

The PR permission was a new one on me, as he definitely wouldn't give that. So that alone could be a deciding factor.

OP posts:

FeckinCrutches · 01/07/2017 22:37

Of course you will need his permission!

PlayingSardines · 01/07/2017 22:42

What Migraleve said. And honestly, his business having his name is a red herring. The world of double-glazing or digital marketing or whatever isn't going to fall apart if Roberts Consulting/Conservatories is run by Ian Smith rather than Ian Roberts. Also, I wouldn't be wildly impressed by someone who thought it was inconceivable to change their name, but expected three people to change their name to mine, because it's ok for women and children to do it...

itsbetterthanabox · 01/07/2017 22:42

If they've got your name you should keep your name.
It really upset me when my mum changed her name because she'd met some bloke.
He should want to take yours or just keep his own if he values you and your children. It's irrelevant that his name is related to work surely yours is related to your work too? He can do what many woman do and have business surname and a personal surname.
If you must do what you propose then do ask them at least.

MsJuniper · 01/07/2017 22:49

I took on my stepfather's surname as a v young child and reverted to my father's as a teen when my stepfather and mother split. There was never an official change though, my bc and pp still had my father's name throughout.

There were a few awkward moments at school during the later changeover and it didn't make life any easier during that period, although the relationship changes were more significant than the name changes.

In your situation I would leave everyone's names as they are.

debbs77 · 01/07/2017 23:07

I changed my name to my partners (now ex and we weren't married) when I was pregnant with our child together. Partly because the baby would be been referred to as Baby ex-husbands surname, plus my ex husband had remarried so there a new Mrs X.

Two of my children share the same surname as me. And the others don't. To be honest I do hate it, and have considered double barrelling my surname to have both surnames!

SendintheArdwolves · 02/07/2017 00:52

You and your children are a family. If he wants to join your family, that's great. If he thinks that you all having the same name will enhance that unit, then he should change his name.

Children's names aren't something you can just...redecorated because you fancy it. It is their name and part of their identity. And it doesn't really matter whose name it was "originally". Once you name a child, that becomes their name -- regardless if the surname comes from you, their father or whoever. For example, I have the surname I do because it was the surname of my father. But the second it was on the bc, it became my name. Mine. Not loaned from him, not a placeholder until circumstances changed, but my actual name. The only person who gets to change it is ME.

SandyY2K · 02/07/2017 01:12

As the children have your maiden name, I would leave the names as they are.

I wouldn't change their surname to a man who isn't adopting them and is not biologically related to them.

It's the surname they've known all their lives.

You are changing your name through marriage. Your children aren't required to change their name because of that.

Can you be known as Mrs Xx where required, but retain your maiden name to match the children.

pinkyredrose · 02/07/2017 01:36

He could change his name to yours but use his original name at work? Lots of women do this.

MeanAger · 02/07/2017 01:47

Why does anyone need to change their name? what is wrong with your name that you want to change it OP? It has been a perfectly good name for you for 48 years. So good that you gave it to your children. Why would you want to get rid of it?

TheCraicDealer · 02/07/2017 01:50

Romantic relationships fail all the time for all sorts of reasons- I wouldn't be chopping and changing their names to match a partner when really you can't be sure what might happen in the future. There was one kid in my year at primary school who went from name a, to name b, then back to name a again within about three years. That must be really confusing for a child. Once they can spell their own names I think you have to have a really good reason to change them- e.g. witness protection, changing back to maiden name when there's an abusive/estranged ex, etc etc etc.

I think a good compromise would be if the kids and your DP stayed the same and, if you really feel the need, you go double barrelled. The names might not sound perfect together but there's no perfect solution in this scenario.

stitchglitched · 02/07/2017 01:52

Why does he want 3 people to change their name to his? Why are you even considering this? You already have a name, that you have had for nearly 50 years and share with your children.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 02/07/2017 10:05

Personally in your situation, I'd narrow it down to two options; either he takes your name (could still use his unmarried name for the business) although I feel that you think this is not an option or everyone's name would stay the same. There's no real need for anyone to take anyone else's name really.
When I was 10, my parents divorced. My dad was violent, mentally abusive and just an all round nasty piece of work. My mum met someone about a year later and they were together 4 years before they married. He was very much my stepdad, not just my mums boyfriend, and I desperately wanted to change my name to his, but didn't. And I'm glad I didn't; they later broke up, he turned out to be honestly disgusting and my name is my name. At 14, I couldn't see it, but it seems mad to change my name, which has served my perfectly well and is my identity, to suit a man who my mum chose. It's actually a ridiculous thing to do; change three people's names when, really, only one has a choice about it. You can be a family without matching names.
Leave your DDs names as they are.

BertrandRussell · 02/07/2017 10:08

Ask them what they want to do.

totallyliterally · 02/07/2017 10:09

It's a non issue as you can't legally change them without their father's permission.

BertrandRussell · 02/07/2017 10:09

Sorry- having read the thread, I reckon either he changes his name or nobody does.

contrary13 · 02/07/2017 10:11

Men taking their wives names isn't "modern and trendy" at all. It's been happening for centuries (usually when there's a fortune to inherit, mind, but even so!).

My children have double-barrelled names. One goes by the whole surname, loves the fact that it makes her stand out... and the other goes by the first part of it (my surname), because he hates the fact that the whole thing makes his teachers aware of who his older sister is. So, technically, they have different surnames. It doesn't change who they intrinsically are. They're still my children and I still love them both for their own selves.

Your children are certainly old enough to know their own minds in relation to their names. If your oldest has been calling your partner "Daddy" for the last few years, though, being a people-pleaser has nothing to do with it - she'd probably be willing to change her name along with yours.

Your ex will have to give permission though... for everything... if he has PR. That includes schooling, going abroad, and so forth. Your partner is your children's father in name only for as long as your ex has PR, I'm afraid.

A friend of mine married the father of her younger two children a few years back. Her oldest child has the name of my friend's first husband. The younger two have my friend's maiden name, rather than their biological father/her second husband. My friend has maintained her maiden name, having reverted back to it following her first divorce. Her second husband/father of the two youngest children offered to change his name to hers, to stop confusion and their children feeling as though they needed to give up a part of their own identities. Oldest child (now 12) is asking if she can double-barrel her name to represent her mother as well as her father. Younger two (8 and 6) don't give the fact that their father has a different surname to the rest of their family, even though he's married to their mother.

If I were you, OP, I'd be keeping my own name the same as that of my children, marriage to someone who sounds as though he's a bit full of himself name-wise, or not...

contrary13 · 02/07/2017 10:12

*don't give the fact... a second thought

Original poster

Highlyinternational · 08/07/2017 19:31

Bump

OP posts:

MeanAger · 08/07/2017 19:44

What's the bump for?

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