Changing your kids surnames once married. Do they lose their identity ?

[Highlyinternational]

My boyfriend and I of 5 years have been discussing marriage.
Neither of us have been married before.
I have two children aged between 8 and 10, he has none.

I left a DV relationship with the children's father when the youngest was newborn, so whilst they saw him sporadically for the first year or so after I left, they then had zero contact for the next 4 years. There's never been a contact order in place - he was never interested- and he refuses to contribute financially.

They don't ask about their absent dad, and they have been calling my boyfriend Daddy for 4 years now. The youngest followed his sister's lead doing this but he's properly bonded with him now. They even act like father and son as son adopts his mannerisms and so forth.

My daughter started calling him Daddy perhaps because she missed having a dad around, I don't know. Although I never lived with their birth dad.
Either way they are both aware of the Dad distinction, and unfortunately have both witnessed DV. My daughter as she was 2 or 3 then, and my son last year when he turned up unexpectedly and caused a scene in the street, shouting at the kids, calling me names, the police were called etc etc They're both frightened of their birth dad.

Anyway that's the backstory.

My boyfriend is the only partner I've had since I left their birth dad. We started living together a year ago. We had a miscarriage two years ago, but it was unexpected (I was 46😳)and obviously aren't TTC at our age.

Discussing marriage, he's asked what the situation would be with the children's names. I'm ok with changing my name to his, but the children are 8 and 10 and do you think their identity is already set in their own surname? Would they struggle with adopting a new surname?

Double barrelling won't work - it sounds phonetically awry.

I don't like the idea of him taking my surname, beside which his surname is wrapped up in his business name and everything.

But he has mentioned he'd like them to take his name as well as me.

Does anyone have any stories of renaming their children once married to someone other than their birth dad? I'm curious to know if it affects their sense of identity or not.

For fresh opinions, MeanAger

In your situation I would keep your own name after marriage and let the kids choose what name they wanted.

Assuming your ex will let them. If he won't allow it, they can go by any name they like as a customary name and use their birth certificate name for official purposes until they're 18 and he can't stop them.

But then I didn't change my name when I married and I think it's unfair that the man is the one who gets traditional "labelling rights" over children and wife.

You can't change their names without their fathers consent or a court order. The court would consider their father's opinion and generally are reluctant to change names. Why don't you just keep your name. Lots do these days

There is no opinion to be had. Father has to give permission and he won't. Non issue

Fwiw I would never change my DCs name to that of a new partner. Just a bizarre thing to do unless he's actually formally adopted the kids

My DH did change his name to mine because of the DC. Professionally he stayed as his original name for some time for logistical reasons but legally he became Mr Ripple.

I made it clear I wouldn't be changing the DC's names and I wouldn't want mine to be different from theirs. All things like school assumptions, doctors appointments, travel abroad different names potentially raise eyebrows. People make assumptions, not necessarily judgements just assumptions. We also planned other DC and I wanted the children all to share a surname. No more divides than necessary and no more disruption to the DC's stability than necessary.

I guess in my second marriage I felt it was important to retain a certain stability and control and keeping our name represented a part of that. I plan for the best but am aware that different eventualities can happen. I thought what if marriage two failed what name would the DC and I then take if we'd changed them.

Not sure why you've bumped ribs.

It's very simple.

Agree with PP:

Your ex needs to give permission for any name change and he won't, so pointless thinking about it.

Second, I think you're barmy wanting to change your kids names to a man your are married to and is not their father and with whom they have no legal connection.

This, not ribs!

I remember two girls at school (both 11) were 'forced' to change their surnames when Mum remarried.

Neither of them was happy about it at all. Go so far as to say it really damaged them emotionally.

You ask them. You respect their decision.

Unless the rules have changed you may not have a choice. I tried to change my name at 11 to my mums new married name. My dad kicked up a massive stink about it and refused permission. It needed both parents permission as I was under 18 so I did it unofficially (so not on bank cards/passport but was on school records) until I was 18 when I did it by deed poll. My brother didn't change his because he was younger and my mum wanted him to wait until he was older to choose. He chose to keep his birth surname.

As an aside I know a guy who took his wife's name. She was a widower though so her surname was her and the kids link to their late father. I assume they wanted to be a family with the same name but didn't want the kids in particular to loose that link. I thought it was a really awesome thing to do.

Oh and his surname is tied to his business. He just uses his "maiden name" at work and his married name for other stuff the same as many women do.

I've looked into this more and it isn't necessary to have the birth father's consent. If he's uncontactable the count can allow the change. He already refuses to give his contact details to me in order to avoid paying child support.

The people who mention it sounds like a frippery or something to change the kids name to someone I would marry...it isn't really, he's an important part of their life already for the last seven years they've known him. He isn't just someone in a long line of men I've dated since I left their birth father, he's the only man I've dated since I left their father.

Don't change their names (and ideally not yours either).
Firstly it wouldn't be legal unless their father consented, and you say he won't.
Secondly I know people who've done this and massively regretted it. My friend had a child from a previous relationship. Then she married, changes her name and that of her son to new husband's. They then had two children.
Five years down the line husband fucked off and had nothing to do with any of them and they're lumbered with his name, even the poor lad who isn't even related to him. My friend started using her maiden name again and the kids are upset that it's not the same as theirs.
I'm massively in favour of women retaining their maiden name and children having the mothers name. That's what I've done.

I've had a step-father since I was 6, so nearly 40 years. He is the best person I know and has been an amazing parent and step-parent and I am incredibly fortunate to have him in my life.

I have never, ever felt any need to share a surname with him - and he would never have dreamt of suggesting it, either. Names do not make relationships. It sounds like your DP is a great step-dad and a big part of your children's lives, which is fantastic. They don't need to share a name.

If the children want to change their names to his when they are older, they can do so. But for now leave their names as they are. I knew a boy growing up in the same situation as your children. His name didn't change when his DM and SF married. But when he was 18 he made that decision for himself.

I think you are waiting for someone to tell you that of course you should change the names, but it's not your identify to make that decision on.

I wouldn't change any of the names. My dm remarried when I was a young teen (Df had died) I remember the fuss (excited)she made about changing her name, I found it odd she would change her name yet again and a bit pathetic for a woman in her 40's my brother and I kept our name. I think this went someway toward me not changing my name when I got married and my ds having my name - which I am very glad as the marriage lasted less than the 2 years and there has never been any problems going abroad as we have the same surname. So in short you should all keep your names.

Also don't know why you've bumped this?

I wouldn't change their names.

My son has my surname ( me an his dad arn't together) but i have often wondered if i was to marry what i'd do

I would keep my surname, i love my surname an i wouldn't change my son's if it was an issue for a future husband he would have the option to change his surname to mine.
Same goes if i had more children as i'd want all my children to have the same surname

I think if this is an issue for you, i'd ask the children although they could always change their name when they're 18

So you're waiting for someone to come along and agree with you

My mum never changed her name after getting divorced, and she never married my dad.

So I was given her surname, which was a name that had nothing to do with me. And I've always resented it.

Leave your kids as they are.

I think your kids should only take your new husbands name if he legally adopts them.

They can't both have different surnames!

Well, they can - my kids do - and they have the same mum and dad (i.e. DP and I) - we just decided that we'd give one my surname, and one his.

It's never been a problem - a raised eyebrow at immigration when we go on holiday, but nothing else.

I have two dc from my first marriage and two from my second. When I married first time around I changed my surname to exh surname and, obviously, our dc shared the same surname. We then divorced and I later remarried and had two more dc who have my dh surname. I asked eldest dc if they wanted to change their surname, it was a resounding no. Based on the fact that everything they had won up to that point certificates, trophies, school reports etc was in 'their name.' The name that identifies them to themselves.

I have now double barrelled my surname. It doesn't really work and I don't like it BUT I share half of my surname with eldest dc and half with younger dc. I had an awful maiden name that was a target for bullies so wouldn't inflict that on my dc and dh didn't want our dc to have exh surname so this was the best option all round. And yes you would need their dads permission to change their surname anyway.

It sounds like it's impossible anyway, if their father wouldn't give permission, but even if it would be possible, I think it's a terrible idea. The name is part of their identity. I don't think you should change your name either, so they have the same name as you. Your husband to be can keep his name or change to yours, as he wishes.

I don't know why you're bumping this when the responses seem pretty consistent.

I also don't think you should change their names. Or your name, to be honest. Your boyfriend is the one joining your family. It seems to me as if he is the one facing the choice - the same choice faced by a lot of marrying women - change your name or have a different surname to your family.

Fair enough if he doesn't want to change his, but changing three people's (2 of whom are not his children by birth or adoption) seems a very messy and one sided way to address it

Why doesn't he double-Harrell his name, and then can use full name as a family and use his name for business. I think 8 and 10 is quite old to change names.

Hybrid names are becoming more popular I see. Would that be an option? Otherwise all stay as you are. And forget the company name bollocks, he can call himself whatever he likes. He probably just doesn't want to. Also just because he's a great stepdad etc etc doesn't mean they should take his name, YOU are the most important person in their lives and always have been, your name is paramount.