Changing your kids surnames once married. Do they lose their identity ?

[Highlyinternational]

My boyfriend and I of 5 years have been discussing marriage.
Neither of us have been married before.
I have two children aged between 8 and 10, he has none.

I left a DV relationship with the children's father when the youngest was newborn, so whilst they saw him sporadically for the first year or so after I left, they then had zero contact for the next 4 years. There's never been a contact order in place - he was never interested- and he refuses to contribute financially.

They don't ask about their absent dad, and they have been calling my boyfriend Daddy for 4 years now. The youngest followed his sister's lead doing this but he's properly bonded with him now. They even act like father and son as son adopts his mannerisms and so forth.

My daughter started calling him Daddy perhaps because she missed having a dad around, I don't know. Although I never lived with their birth dad.
Either way they are both aware of the Dad distinction, and unfortunately have both witnessed DV. My daughter as she was 2 or 3 then, and my son last year when he turned up unexpectedly and caused a scene in the street, shouting at the kids, calling me names, the police were called etc etc They're both frightened of their birth dad.

Anyway that's the backstory.

My boyfriend is the only partner I've had since I left their birth dad. We started living together a year ago. We had a miscarriage two years ago, but it was unexpected (I was 46😳)and obviously aren't TTC at our age.

Discussing marriage, he's asked what the situation would be with the children's names. I'm ok with changing my name to his, but the children are 8 and 10 and do you think their identity is already set in their own surname? Would they struggle with adopting a new surname?

Double barrelling won't work - it sounds phonetically awry.

I don't like the idea of him taking my surname, beside which his surname is wrapped up in his business name and everything.

But he has mentioned he'd like them to take his name as well as me.

Does anyone have any stories of renaming their children once married to someone other than their birth dad? I'm curious to know if it affects their sense of identity or not.

If they have your surname, I would just leave all your names as they are.

A marriage isn't about names,

I wouldn't be saying to my kids 'now we all re-brand ourselves with a man's name '

Well, as I,said, his surname is tied to his business so it isn't really an option for him to change it.

As another poster said many women use their maiden name in business/professional life and a married name for personal life so that doesn't wash.

You need to discuss this with the children, options are:

a) everyone stays with the names they have
b) you change your name children don't
c)he changes name to same as you
d)go icelandic, you and dd have one name dh to be and ds have another
e) you all change your name to something as a family (with dh retaining his for business)

But I think this should be a family agreement.

BTW are you sure you don't need the father's permission to change the children's names?

You are so going to change their names to his, aren't you, OP?

I wouldnt do it.

I have one dc who has my surname and never met their abusive father, if I ever married I wouldn't change dc name unless dc asked (and was old enough to make that choice).

If your partner is so adamant it's too difficult to change his name (yet expects you + dc to do it ) then why not just double barrel yours? So he'd be Mr Smith, you'd be Mrs Smith-Jones, dc would be Jones for example?

Good point, TeenAndTween

AhNowTed You're presuming. I've bumped to learn more.

I would keep yours and the children's names the same.

Either he can keep his name or change it to yours.

I would suggest you and the children keep your names as they are and your partner can change to the same surname as yours for social things but retain his original name for work purposes.

Dh and I chose a new, different surname for both of us when we married (pre children) and our dc now have that name as well. Worked for us.

Last names don't make you a family. I have a different last name to the rest of my family and never ever felt 'less than' because of it. Same for my husband growing up. My husband and I don't share a surname, we never even considered it. It's not what makes married. Don't stress about it. It's only deeply symbolic if you choose to make it so.

Fast forward 10 years and you're marrying someone else. And your kids have the name of a man you're no longer connected with. You might not even like him.

No reason you won't have a long and happy marriage - but you have to accept that objectively, statistically, there's a fair chance it won't be forever.

They've got a perfectly good name. why change it? My daughter has her father's name. I chose not to change mine on marriage, I liked his better though so gave her that. I'm divorced now - we are no less close, no less a family, because we don't share a name.

Why can't your partner keep using his current name for business but change his surname for official and personal purposes?

Women do it all the time, it's not that hard.