Do I tell my DH about family crisis while he is on a dream holiday?

[Flushedwithsomething]

Just that really. DH is away on a special holiday. The day after he left a fairly big family issue (my siblings - let's say it is divorce - it's not but would hate to be recognised). We live overseas and I am due to go back to see my sibling and family before DH returns from his trip.

I miss him so much, want his advice and thoughts so badly and yet don't want to give him stress on his special holiday. I don't have friends here to confide in.

Also my sibling really wants to lean on me ("I will wait to fal apart til you get here" when I get home, which is cery understandable - I love them to bits, but I will have my two young kids with me and sibling doesn't seem to realise just how little Time and space that will give me to support them.

I feel like I am going to pop.

Sorry for the many mistakes there, i hope you get the idea!

Tough one. I wouldn't mind DH telling me as I can compartmentalise pretty effectively and much as I like his family, their dramas aren't my dramas. But if it would ruin your dh's holiday then I wouldn't, assuming he's not an arse and he deserves this holiday he's on.

If it will really worry him then don't tell him. He can never get this back. You have mumsnet to vent to.

If you tell your DH would it mean he cuts short his holiday to come home? And if he does will you be wracked with guilt? If he doesn't will you resent him?

If you tell him be clear about what you want from him.

I would tell my DH and the telling would make me feel better.

No I wouldn't.

How long is the Holiday OP?
I wouldn't unless I absolutely had to.

How upset is he likely to be that one of your siblings has an issue? It's hard to give advice without knowing what it is.

If it's the sort of issue that requires he return home immediately, such as seeing someone before they die, then tell him.

If it's the sort of issue that you genuinely can't deal with alone, such as him being able to offer specialist advice, then tell him.

If he won't care enough to have it spoil his holiday but it would benefit you to talk it through, call him.

If it's likely to seriously impair his holiday and spoil his enjoyment for negligible benefit to you or the parties involved then personally I would try to cope until he returns home.

If it was something huge, like a death, I'd expect my husband to abandon his holiday!

So, i'd definitely be picking up the phone if i needed him. i'd be very hurt if he didn't call me in the same position, dream holiday or not.

It's only a holiday, and family comes first. I would be pretty upset if I went somewhere and I didn't know Dh was going through an emergency and taken young dcs without telling me.

Telling him would definitely help me, I won't see him again until the end of July so I am feeling terrified of navigating this without his help and with my DDs in tow.

That said I don't think I can burden him with this. God. I hate being a grown up :(

Why is your dh on such a long and special holiday without you and his children?

It's a hobby and the trip is well deserved. He is a goodun.

It doesn't matter why he is away without the op. Dh & I often holiday without each other.

We have a rule - if it's something major/life changing we will tell each other. If not then it can wait.

Hmmm, it's a tricky one. But I don't think I would tell him. He's not going to be able to help much is he? And this may sound a bit harsh but unless he's very close to your sibling this is not going to be affecting him in the same way it is you. If a member of your family was very ill then that would be different I think.

I'd tell him. If he's a goodun he'd probably be upset to find out when he gets home, realising you've had to deal with it without him. But it's difficult to really know what to do, without knowing exactly what the problem is.

For context I also had a solo holiday earlier this year.

if you are going specifically for this reason you should tell him, if not play it by ear.
if you decide to call him let him know you're fine but just need his advice and support.

If it's something like a sibling's marriage breaking up because of an affair, I wouldn't. If it's a diagnosis and the person is very ill or in danger, I would but not if they're going to live for a good while yet. If it's a death an he needs to attend a funeral, I would. Is it something he needs to be actively involved with or do you only need him as a leaning post? If it's the latter, use MN.

Do you have anyone that could stay at your house with the dcs while you see your sibling for a couple of days?

It is difficult to say without knowing the problem but if along the lines of a divorce in your family, then while traumatic for those involved and closest to them, I can't see why it would ruin your husband's holiday.

Obviously if you behave like you can't cope without him then yes he will be worried about him so I wouldn't tell him.

You just have to support your family member as best as you can. They can't really 'fall apart' in front of the children anyway can they? But you might be able to be there of an evening when children asleep and talk it through with them.

Worried about you!

Is this major life changing news to you, or just to your sibling? I don't think I would, no.

I'd tell. And I'm surprised I'd advocate that, tbh, as I'm pretty independent and cope well with stress on my own behalf (as well as can be expected, iyswim).

My DH would be really hurt I hadn't told him. And he'd offer to come back and I'd tell him not to. If I were away I might prefer not to know, but I'd recognise my DHs need to talk it through and would help. I'd not cut my holiday short if I couldn't actually help, unless it was for a death. I'd want to find ways to support you with having the kids & dealing with a crisis- as much for my DC as for my in-law family - so I'd want to see if I could rearrange anything to come with you or keep the DC at home for a bit while you went alone etc.

If he was away for a long weekend then of course don't spoil it. But if you're not going to see each other for a month, with a serious issue on top, and the DC in the mix, then I think you need to give him a heads up.

I agree with AllUsedUp, if this is a divorce-type situation, I wouldn't tell him. If it's a diagnosis, I would. If you're speaking to him regularly whilst he's away and therefore he's likely to hear that something's wrong in your voice (and you might feel like you were more actively concealing something from him) then I would tell him. If he's largely out of contact I would wait.

However, you do need some support of your own (and your sibling needs to not be placing such a demand on you, doesn't he/she have friends of his/her own?)