Do I tell my DH about family crisis while he is on a dream holiday?

[Flushedwithsomething]

Just that really. DH is away on a special holiday. The day after he left a fairly big family issue (my siblings - let's say it is divorce - it's not but would hate to be recognised). We live overseas and I am due to go back to see my sibling and family before DH returns from his trip.

I miss him so much, want his advice and thoughts so badly and yet don't want to give him stress on his special holiday. I don't have friends here to confide in.

Also my sibling really wants to lean on me ("I will wait to fal apart til you get here" when I get home, which is cery understandable - I love them to bits, but I will have my two young kids with me and sibling doesn't seem to realise just how little Time and space that will give me to support them.

I feel like I am going to pop.

I wouldn't tell him. There is too much potential for disappointment with each other.

I wouldn't. Unless it's a death or an about to be last rites situation where not telling would mean he'd miss that then no let him enjoy his holiday.

I hope you'll be ok though OP.

Thank you everyone. He actually just called and I decided not to tell. I have to go out now but will return to you all later for more!

I was on holiday and halfway through my DM phoned me to say that my grandfather had died. She helpfully said "Don't feel that you have to come home early."

She phoned everyday giving me all the updates about cause of death, funeral arrangements, how my grandmother wasn't coping....

I got home, want straight to the funeral and she said brightly "now, did you enjoy your holiday? "

Er. . No. I didn't

So OP, if you decide to tell, do it gently and downplay the drama.

With the disclaimer I don't have siblings, so I don't understand how a problem that a sibling is having would impact my life at all, I would tell him, but I wouldn't for a minute expect it to affect his holiday.

If my husband was away on the trip of a lifetime, I wouldn't expect anything (short of something disastrous happening to me or our children) to spoil it. My husband does have siblings and I'm trying to imagine it the other way round, and there's nothing would bother me enough except maybe imminent death. I accept we are quite weird though in that we aren't really "family" people, outside us and the kids.

I think ultimately you have to examine your reasons for wanting/needing to tell him, and ask yourself if they are unselfish.

What WomblingThree said.

It's your sibling, not his. Can't see why he wouldn't have the headspace to give you a bit of support without ruining his special trip.

Another agreeing with WomblingThree that if it were a sibling getting divorced I don't think this would ruin a holiday for myself or DH. However a serious health scare/diagnosis would be of concern & would potentially tell your DH so he can support you

Is he somewhere where the phone connection is good and can you spend a decent amount of time talking to him? If so, I'd probably tell him- you can debrief on the phone every couple of days? My dp is away a lot and we do this...........

He isn't likely to feel as emotionally invested in it as you are, given it is your sibling right? I would totally call my DH and tell him. Just so I have an outlet to vent, can get some useful advice etc. Unless for some reason you think it'll really upset his holiday - I would easily be able to compartmentalise if the tables were turned

Not his circus, not his monkeys

I don't see why it would ruin his holiday if it was the equivalent to divorce. 5 weeks for a holiday is quite a lot I wouldn't expect to completely abdicate my duties as a wife/friend/mother/ sister because of an extended holiday.

No, i wouldn't. Death or extreme illness, of course. Divorce "type" scenario of one of your siblings? Definitely not.

I think I'd tell him, but maybe after you've had a chance to digest the news and can do so without needing too much from him. He is your DH though and if my DH was going through something big I'd fully expect him to tell me and to expect some support - even if it was just verbal/emotional - in fact I'd be hurt if he felt he couldn't tell me. Special holiday or not, he's still your DH.

As for your sibling saying "I will wait to fall apart til you get here", FFS how selfish! And if you're travelling with your two young DDs exactly how much 'falling apart' does this person think is appropriate in front of two young girls?????

It sounds like you are doing a fair amount of travelling to get to your sibling? I wouldn't feel comfortable disappearing without telling DH where I had gone at the least, if not the reason why. What if he needs to find you for some reason when you're away and he has no idea where you are?

I think as long as it's not a very serious illness, or worse, then I'd tell him. It's your sibling, to his, so i presume he will not be as emotionally devastated as you. But it's only fair that he knows his wife has a large worry on her plate and his DC might be feeling a bit of tension too.
But I sense that you want him to come home/take the children off your hands while you go visit your sibling? In which case you need to have a discussion with him and let him decide.

Apologies. My post should have read that I'd not tell him!

Just tell him you are not expecting him to come back just wanting him to know the situation and have him to talk to. If it was my husband he would be annoyed and upset i hadn't told him.

This thread is just going to go round in circles. OP has made it clear she doesn't want to say what it is - which is fair, but everyone's response is - depending on how serious it is.
If it is e.g. a siblings divorce I'd tell him, its hardly earth shattering news. If its very serious health related, with a bad prognosis - I'd still tell him, and let him decide what he should do.

I wouldnt tell him but then I was a military wife and had to cope with loads of things alone and to be honest OP, its not as if someone unwell.

Thanks everyone, I do appreciate your responses.

My family is very toxic and difficult, my sibling is mentally and emotionally fragile and my DH would understand instantly what a shit storm I'm about to walk back into.

That said, I know my motives aren't unselfish and I have decided not to say.

Btw he is not on holiday for four weeks, it is just that the way things have worked out is that we leave for our annual month in the UK a few hours before he arrives back.

Thanks everyone.

OP, do you have other siblings you could talk to.

And I'm sorry I've clearly drip fed a bit - didn't mean too, just a bit rubbish at typing on the phone and have a head full of it all and two kids to deal with!

No Rhubarb, I don't.

"My family is very toxic and difficult, my sibling is mentally and emotionally fragile and my DH would understand instantly what a shit storm I'm about to walk back into."

Don't walk into it then?

If your family is so difficult and you need support to deal with them - support you won't have this time because of your DH being away - just don't.

Your primary responsibility is to yourself and your children. Don't drain your mental and emotional resources for people who aren't worth it and wouldn't reciprocate for you.

I absolutely agree with AnotherEmma. If they are so toxic and difficult, why are you even bothering. There comes a time where you have to say your children and yourself are your priorities now. Don't feed your family's drama.