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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell my DH about family crisis while he is on a dream holiday?

79 replies

Flushedwithsomething · 28/06/2017 06:17

Just that really. DH is away on a special holiday. The day after he left a fairly big family issue (my siblings - let's say it is divorce - it's not but would hate to be recognised). We live overseas and I am due to go back to see my sibling and family before DH returns from his trip.

I miss him so much, want his advice and thoughts so badly and yet don't want to give him stress on his special holiday. I don't have friends here to confide in.

Also my sibling really wants to lean on me ("I will wait to fal apart til you get here" when I get home, which is cery understandable - I love them to bits, but I will have my two young kids with me and sibling doesn't seem to realise just how little Time and space that will give me to support them.

I feel like I am going to pop.

OP posts:
Rhubarbginisnotasin · 28/06/2017 09:02

No Rhubarb, I don't.

That must be really hard. I still think though that you've made the correct decision to wait a while before telling your husband.

Who does your sibling have around? Could you support each other.

Im also accustomed to toxic and difficult extended family. Its not easy.

hellomoon · 28/06/2017 09:04

OP, I was going to say 'don't tell him' unless if was something that he would regret later, for example, not being there at the end of someone's life. Now that you've posted that your family is toxic, then that has massively reinforced my view that you should not tell him.

Let your DH enjoy a stress free break.

Annother Emma has it right - make a choice not to get embroiled.

HipsterHunter · 28/06/2017 09:07

I'd tell him if he will be able to make sympathetic noises on the phone, and it wouldn't ruin his trip.

If you think he will be stressed worrying about you / your family then don#'t tell him.,

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2017 09:11

"My family is very toxic and difficult, my sibling is mentally and emotionally fragile and my DH would understand instantly what a shit storm I'm about to walk back into".

I would not readily walk back into such a thing; your sibling is also being manipulative here. Do you really want to expose your children as well to such behaviour from your family of origin?. Honestly whatever you do will not be enough for them.

muckypup73 · 28/06/2017 09:18

I would wait till he gets back to be honest.

Goodfood1 · 28/06/2017 09:28

After your updates id say definately only tell him if you really feel you need his emotional support.

Good luck travelling alone with the girls.

Oh and btw nd they can only intoxicated you of you let them

TheFatOfTheLand · 28/06/2017 09:39

It doesn't sound like anyone has died - perhaps your sibling's partner has had an affair?

I appreciate that you would like some support but I don't see why your DH should have a holiday ruined. I'm pleased to see that you have decided not to tell him .

Hope all goes well OP Smile

1bighappyfamily · 28/06/2017 09:43

I think you've made the right decision.

At the risk of outing myself, something relatively catastrophic happened when my parents were on holiday 14 years ago. But them coming home early from the holiday would have done precisely NOTHING to change the situation, so we didn't tell them. I just met them at the arrival gate having lied to a relatively toxic relative about their arrival time as I didn't want them to be told in the most dramatic fashion ever imagined.

Mum's response was "Why didn't you tell us?? Actually I'm glad you didn't."

Keep posting here and we'll prop you up, if you're in the London area, I'm happy to have a coffee or a chat by phone if you need a hand with anything.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/06/2017 09:44

I think the real question you could do with discussing here is whether you do walk into that shitstorm.

Are you close to the sibling? Are they part of the toxicity (they can be this whilst still being an innocent in this particular situation!) or do they understand the bigger picture? From what you say it sounds not - it sounds as if they will play their part in bleeding you dry. Which you can't accommodate when you have young children.

So I would say one of the very first questions is - can you speak to the sibling and make it clear that while you will be there for them they have to realise that you'll have your two small children with you and no, you won't be able to manage them 'falling apart' - that you'll physically be elsewhere a lot of the time?

FizzyGreenWater · 28/06/2017 09:46

And yes it sounds like an affair - so a very different and potentially much harder set of circumstances for the children to be 'exposed' to than eg a death in the family.

Be very mindful of exposing your children to this - it sounds like your living overseas has created a situation where toxicity can be managed and you can still be in touch and the children be protected from seeing dysfunction. Be careful that this doesn't rip that away.

steppemum · 28/06/2017 09:50

if you leave just before your dh gets back, then I am assuming he will be at home for a large chunk of the time you are in UK.

So I would wiat, leave him a note at home asking him to call you for a long call as need his advice, then you will speak to him 1-2 days into your month trip in UK, so will have support for most of it, but not mess up his time now.

deckoff · 28/06/2017 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Flushedwithsomething · 28/06/2017 10:46

Thank you everyone, again your replies are so helpful. My sibling is not the toxic one, although I do think the "waiting to fall apart" bit is selfish, yes. Sibling lives with ( for reasons that would be outing) toxic family members. They are having a very hard time financially at the moment so can't just leave. As with most family issues, it is all super complicated.

This thread has helped me to clarify in my mind that a) I won't be telling DH whilst he is on his holiday and b) I will be explaining to sibling very clearly that i can't be the rock in this crisis. I agree I need to protect my DDs as a number one priority.

As one poster above mentioned I have kept my kids very seperate from the toxicity by being overseas - they love their family and visiting England in the summer and are super excited.

1big, who offered to meet me, I'm a bit blown away by that kindness. 💐💐 We're not near London, alas. But you did make my day :)

I guess the reason I wanted to tell DH so much is to help feeling lonely with this, you have all really, really helped with that. Thank you

OP posts:
juneau · 28/06/2017 13:32

Good - I'm glad the thread has clarified things and that you'll telling this sibling before you arrive that you can't be their rock. Flying in with two young DC you're simply not in a position to prop up fully grown adults. They need to be self-sufficient, quite frankly, and accept that your priority is your DC (who should absolutely not be party to any kind of adult/toxic drama). I'm guessing this sibling doesn't have DC of their own, otherwise they would realise this without you having to spell it out.

Original poster
Flushedwithsomething · 28/06/2017 14:17

Exactly, no kids of their own so the empathy is a little missing. I've written an email setting out how much I'd like to help on the terms I am able to offer - if that makes sense. I feel much better already.

OP posts:
juneau · 28/06/2017 14:41

I thought as much. Let's just say I have two siblings (both without DC), who think the world revolves around them and their many, many dramas and that that the rest of us should just drop everything to pander to their needs at the drop of a hat. I never do as I have DC who are my priority, so I'm seen as the selfish one. sigh. You have my sympathy.

rolopolovolo · 28/06/2017 15:06

Why don't you just tell us? We don't know you. You can vent here.

Original poster
Flushedwithsomething · 28/06/2017 16:48

Rolo I'd just rather not, the fall out if I was recongnised (I know a lot of people of here). Would be horrible. Thanks though

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 29/06/2017 17:01

Your email is a very sensible way to go. Also - the Daily mail pick up a lot of threads from here, so you are wise to keep details private, after all - you now know what you want to do Flowers

Original poster
Flushedwithsomething · 30/06/2017 03:13

Thank you redshoe. Sibling responded quite positively at first but then sent another text about "breaking down" when I arrive. I very firmly said that having two kids with me solo would mean i would have one or both with me most days 6am to 9pm (big age gap!) and that their right to not be exposed to drama comea beforw anything. Sibling has gone and found a counsellor - I am so pleased! Better, professional advice and less pressure on me. This thread has been fantastically helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flushedwithsomething · 30/06/2017 03:14

I m so rubbish at typing on a phone, sorry!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/06/2017 03:47

DH shared stuff that was upsetting while I was on a trip away. I'm normally his rock and emotional stability (and he has some toxic family members). I wanted him not to do that while I was away. I wanted "DD is fine, everything here is great. Miss you." I know that's selfish but I'm normally trying to help everyone process everything and I wanted a holiday.

If it was an actual emergency, of course. But not sibling drama.

NameChange30 · 30/06/2017 05:30

"Sibling has gone and found a counsellor - I am so pleased! Better, professional advice and less pressure on me."

Excellent outcome. Even if you didn't have children in tow, you could never be a substitute for a professional counsellor.

Well done for being assertive and I'm glad your sibling took it on board.

crazykitten20 · 30/06/2017 05:40

Unless someone very very close to you is dead then what is it that you can't deal with alone? I don't understand

KimchiLaLa · 30/06/2017 05:43

Agree with crazykitten20 - what's the big deal again?? One of your siblings is getting a divorce and you don't want to tell DH until he returns from holiday. It all seems a bit much of a muchness?