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Relationships

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Original poster

DH "worried" he might have an affair

84 replies

isthisanissueornot · 27/06/2017 14:28

Background: have very low libido, esp. after having DD. We have sex about once a month, not even as much as that sometimes. I just never feel in the mood, or I get bored halfway through. We're going to see a couples therapist to see if there's a way for me to get some oomph back - I'm just knackered most of the time.

So recently, he remarked that he was "worried" he would have an affair, because he isn't getting much sex at home. And then a couple of weeks later, we were talking about someone I know who's having an affair, and DH said that he wouldn't be able to keep sleeping with me if he was having an affair.

I just think it's a bit weird to suddenly mention affairs and what he would do in that circumstance. And part of me feels he was just being honest, and part of me feels like he's almost threatening me.

I don't know how I feel about it, just feel a bit sad. And it's not like I WANT to have low libido, I just do these days. Are we putting too much faith in therapy? Have other people been in a similar situation and found a way through? Until recently, I would have been one of those people who'd swear blind their partner would never cheat on them, and now suddenly I'm not sure.

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 27/06/2017 14:31

Gosh, that's horrible.

I mean, mismatched libido can be a big problem for a relationship, but casually deciding an affair would be inevitable shows an awful disregard for the feelings of his sexual partners - actual and hypothetical. Because it has nothing to do with emotional connection or shared experiences, and everything to do with his orgasm.

Loopytiles · 27/06/2017 14:33

He is threatening you.

How old is DD? Why are you exhausted? Does your H do a fair share of domestics and parenting and treat you well?

Adora10 · 27/06/2017 14:34

Worried he might have an affair, I can't actually believe he said that to you, I'm afraid his bags would have been packed then; how the hell do you carry on when he's basically threatening you, that is bloody awful.

wotabastard · 27/06/2017 14:34

So you want to have a better sex life?

Have you been to a doctor to rule out any medical/hormonal reasons for a low libido? Do you have a healthy diet/lifestyle? Do you have a good self body image? Do you find your DH attractive? Do you and DH have equal share of house work? Do you feel he could help more? Do you have any other outside help so you can spend time alone together?

So many questions, sorry.

Loopytiles · 27/06/2017 14:35

I have a friend whose H said similar: in my (wider) observation he is a bit of a wanker who as well as "giving" him lots of sex expects her to do almost all the housework and parenting (she works FT and in a harder role than he does, though he earns more). Not surprising she doesn't want to shag him IMO.

oldbirdy · 27/06/2017 14:36

It won't be a popular view, but I haven't had a libido for years and years. Can't recall the last time I actively wanted sex. Once we get started I am fine though. It seems harsh to me for dh to never have any sex because I can't be bothered, especially since I enjoy it when we do, so we have sex once a week or so and I "relieve" dh in other ways about once a week as well. With you, do you enjoy sex if you agree to it? Even if you weren't gagging for it beforehand? If so, I'd just make time to do it a bit more often. That is, honestly, what most people I know who have been married more than a few years do. If we only ever had sex when I was really truly up for it ahead of time, we wouldn't have done it more than about 3 times in the last 10 years!

Of course if your baby is tiny, you are only in your twenties, or your marriage / relationship very new, that is more of a worry. I would also go to GP to check your thyroid and iron levels to make sure you are fit and well.

oldbirdy · 27/06/2017 14:37

Btw it really really wasn't on for him to make veiled threats like that. Not on at all.

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 27/06/2017 14:38

Your husband is a twunt. You don't go and have an affair because your wife has a low libido after having a child!! How old is your dd btw?

I had a very low sex drive after dd, I have 2 really rough yeara health wise and we rarely had sex for those years (ups and downs but mainly downs). Shes almost 3 now and things are back on track.

Sorry I just can't get over how much of an asshole your husband is.

DP understood, never pressured me and didn't run off with another woman

Wolfiefan · 27/06/2017 14:38

He's "worried" his penis might fall into the wrong vagina?!
He's threatening you, telling you he is already cheating or maybe he wants you to say you would rather not have sex and he should go elsewhere for it.

Adora10 · 27/06/2017 14:38

I don't think your issue is your libido OP, I think your issues is your wanker of a husband threatening you with an affair if you don't put out for him, bloody disgusting imo; who's want sex with someone that even can say that????????????

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/06/2017 14:38

Wow, what a horrible thing to say to you! Of course it will instantly make you worried/puts more pressure on you to 'perform' when you don't feel like it anyway (like that helps, right?). And what a confidence boost!

How old is DD? Does DH help you much at home? Or leave you to get on with it all, then wonder why you're knackered? Is sex the only thing that matters to him? Do your feelings count at all?

You've admitted having a low libido and you're trying to do something about it but seeing a counsellor. TBH I think he sounds like a selfish wanker.

Cloudyapples · 27/06/2017 14:40

if you're knackered maybe dh could help it around the house etc so you can get some rest? Might be a more successful bedroom tactic than threatening to cheat...

hellomoon · 27/06/2017 15:01

He sounds like a real peach - so you are exhausted and his way of supporting you in re-building your libido is by threatening an affair?

You've just found out ahead of time that your DH is a total arsehole.

So that would be a bigger issue for me to sort out than whether or not I could be arsed to carry on shagging him.

diddl · 27/06/2017 15:01

You get bored half way through?

Is that because you're trying to force yourself to have sex when you don't really want to?

Or maybe his technique could use some work?

Does anyone remember a fashion for polystyrene ceiling tiles?

It was when I found myself counting them that I realised it was time to get out...

Original poster

isthisanissueornot · 27/06/2017 15:02

Have you been to a doctor to rule out any medical/hormonal reasons for a low libido? No, but thinking about it
Do you have a healthy diet/lifestyle? Yes, I think so
Do you have a good self body image? No
Do you find your DH attractive? Yes, very much
Do you and DH have equal share of house work? Yes
Do you feel he could help more? No
Do you have any other outside help so you can spend time alone together? No, not really

DD is 4, so can't really "blame" that, it's just that I've never really found my mojo again after having her. Part of it might be that birth was quite traumatic and there's a fear of getting pregnant - he's also quite keen to have another child, but I don't want to (much as I love babies and DD and would cherish another if it happened). Since I had DD I've hated my body, and that doesn't help with libido either, I guess.

OP posts:

RedPeppers · 27/06/2017 15:03

He has just very nicely made you responsible for any affair he might have as well as any issue in your relationship.
So you will now start wondering and worry. And hopefully 'make an effort' to keep him also called the pick me up dance.

If my DH was saying something like this, I would ask him if he would feel the same if I was ill and unable to have sex with him. As well as how would he judge a man having an affair in this circumstances.

Having some counselling is a good idea but please remember that, as it ALWAYS is, he will have some work to do. It's not ALL yummy r responsibility (whihc, from that comment, I assume he thinks it is)

ThatsNotMyMarmot · 27/06/2017 15:04

I think he is softening you up for when he does have an affair. A warnig shot across your bows if you like. When he gets caught or finds someone he wants to be with instead of you he can then say, "Well I did tell you!" or some such bullshit. Agree with PP if he's saying shite like this but not addressing the issue in a meaningful way by doing more about the place so you aren't so knackered etc. he's a nobber.

Mackan1 · 27/06/2017 15:07

I am kinda in the same boat, GF used to have a higher sex drive then me (which i loved.) we then a baby and she lost her sex drive. which is normal i have heard and seen this happen with animals(E.G Cows).

She is a full time mum of our Son, I work 40+ hours, after work i do all the dishes (she has used throughout the day), fold and put away all the cloths she has washed ( i would say 80% of the time). play, bath our son. at weekend she relaxes and i deal with our son more. and the 1st year i done 80% of the night shifts.

She would clean the house. and takes around 20-3mins to clean, unless it is a deep clean and she would do what she normally does and i would wash everything inc the floors (takes her 20-30mins and takes me 40-50min)

bad thing is she has given me permission to sleep with other as long as i follow 3 rules.
1 They cannot be blond (xe left her for a blond)
2 I can not sleep with them more then 2 separate times.
3 they cannot be a Xe

I would like to say i have rejected this offer as i am not that type of guy (I would like to note and she knows this. i used to swing with my Xe and solo and this was before i meet her.).

I am not the type of guy to cheat as i dont see the point on having a cheese burger then i have a sizzling steak at home.

Bad thing is I love my GF to much and if anyone was to cheat it would be her and i would not know what 2 do with my self if or when that happens.

TheSparrowhawk · 27/06/2017 15:09

He is threatening you, trying to force you into sex, which by the way is rape. He is a horrible human being.

SomeOtherFuckers · 27/06/2017 15:10

Oh bloody hell, it's the old 'men NEED sex, blue balls is painful so it's unfair of you to withhold Sex' schtick we've been getting for century's.
You're trying , that's all you can do and he needs to get over it for a while - if you'd stopped trying altogether I'd be more understanding x

Adora10 · 27/06/2017 15:14

Exactly, you are having sex once a month, not never and he is still threatening you with an affair, honestly OP, why are you putting up with that, it's abusive.

lookatmenow · 27/06/2017 15:17

he might be doing loads around the place, you are all just presuming he isn't. He very well could be doing it all, working and cooking and cleaning but nooooo, he must just be freeloading.

She might be knackered because she is, i'm overweight and could happily laze around all day but have started regular excercise and found (surprise surprise) i have MORE enegry and am not knackered.

I don't think it's nice what he's said but then i also think he's being honest. Maybe he is trying to let you know that for him, it's got to a point where if things dont change the possiblity that he may at some point in the future look into it and you wont be in it sharing it with him.

I know this sound shit and i'm sure im going to get pounded on for it but i'm going through issues with mu DH where he's promising me the earth but in reality nothing is changing and how long do i look at this going on before i check out! - ( i have not verbalised this nugget of insight yet to DH) but do you think this is what your DH means

Youll know what your relationship is like between the two of you and where you both are in terms.

SwedishToast · 27/06/2017 15:17

Why are you getting bored half way through?

Mackan1 · 27/06/2017 15:18

So with the lack of we sex drive i have read up with is when women give birth it sometimes stop/make less of some kinda chemical. some times this comes back and some times does not but can be fixed by a trip to the doc.

SwedishToast · 27/06/2017 15:19

You should you have body image issues, how does he address that?

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