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Relationships

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Original poster

DH "worried" he might have an affair

84 replies

isthisanissueornot · 27/06/2017 14:28

Background: have very low libido, esp. after having DD. We have sex about once a month, not even as much as that sometimes. I just never feel in the mood, or I get bored halfway through. We're going to see a couples therapist to see if there's a way for me to get some oomph back - I'm just knackered most of the time.

So recently, he remarked that he was "worried" he would have an affair, because he isn't getting much sex at home. And then a couple of weeks later, we were talking about someone I know who's having an affair, and DH said that he wouldn't be able to keep sleeping with me if he was having an affair.

I just think it's a bit weird to suddenly mention affairs and what he would do in that circumstance. And part of me feels he was just being honest, and part of me feels like he's almost threatening me.

I don't know how I feel about it, just feel a bit sad. And it's not like I WANT to have low libido, I just do these days. Are we putting too much faith in therapy? Have other people been in a similar situation and found a way through? Until recently, I would have been one of those people who'd swear blind their partner would never cheat on them, and now suddenly I'm not sure.

OP posts:

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 27/06/2017 15:20

He sounds horrid i would not want to stay in a relationship with someone like that , i would be inclined to say you want to sleep with someone else off you go but dont come back here , im number one or not at all , he wont be helping your self esteem and saying crap like that is not going to make you want to sleep with him more

PinkCosmo · 27/06/2017 15:22

Blimey, he's definitely letting you know that he's planning an affair, maybe not today maybe not tomorrow, but he's planning it and he's told you and it will be as others point out 'your fault' cos he warned you

That's lovely..................

Is it worth clinging on? I've been a situation where I hated sex with an old bf (pre-kids) and felt revolted by him, like he was a relative or something. He mansplained me all the time, before there was a word for that. I broke it off eventually and never had that problem with anybody else.

I am inclined to think that low libido is almost always the logical response to not being treated very well in one way or another, or not being respected, or valued, or cherished. It can vary.

TheSparrowhawk · 27/06/2017 15:22

'I don't think it's nice what he's said but then i also think he's being honest.'

Lookatme - it would be fine if he'd said 'I am so frustrated with the situation that I feel like our relationship isn't going to survive' and then went on to talk through what could be done to fix things (not including the OP forcing herself to have sex she doesn't want). Instead, he told her that because she doesn't have sex he's going to betray her and sleep with someone else. That's not a solution, that's a threat. It is never acceptable.

Maddogs · 27/06/2017 15:22

I've been off with depression since Feb and suffering the symptoms for a good six months before that.

My libido has been nonexistent and DF has understood. We've been together 4 years and previously had an active sex life. He has gently enquire and sometimes I have felt his physical response to cuddles. But he has never threatened to find sex elsewhere.

Recently I have improved and our sex life has too! But I've just had a nasty accident and broken not having of my arms. Sex will be off the cards for next few months. He is having to dress me and wash me (inc privates). It's done with dignity and respect for me. I love him more than ever because he loves me unconditionally bum wiping and all.

If he threatened me with another woman I would show him the door, broken arms or not. Your DH is being really selfish and disrespectful. Are you still intimate in other ways? Hand holding, snuggles, little things done for each other? Do you masturbate or had your drive completely gone? Hormone check maybe helpful. Also how is your mood in general?

Sorry long post on phone, can only type with one thumb

NellieFiveBellies · 27/06/2017 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maddogs · 27/06/2017 15:23

Both my arms! lol can't type either

UserLotsOfNumbers · 27/06/2017 15:25

FIL did similar with MIL.
He warned her that if she wouldn't have sex he might accidentally have an affair. When she had an emergency hysterectomy in her early thirties (dh remembers her being scarily ill for some time), he was as good as his word and quickly found a replacement, while holding MIL entirely responsible.

Whether you can fix this or not, his warnings would worry me, honest or not, it indicates some sort of expectation to have sex at any cost, which doesn't sound like an equal, loving relationship to me.

lookatmenow · 27/06/2017 15:26

SparrowHawk - i'm just thinking that maybe, just maybe he chose the wrong words and didn't get across what he meant very well.

I could be very wrong though and if i am then yes, he's a shit.

HildaOg · 27/06/2017 15:27

Tbh, I think he's to be applauded for lasting four years with barely any sex and not having extras on the side. He's practically a saint for keeping it zipped up that long. I wouldn't.

Life is too short to be sexless, he's letting you know that you need to sort this out or he's not going to resist temptation. And why should he? You don't care to give it to him so what does it matter if he gets it elsewhere?

It's really unfair to expect your partner to be celibate for life.

Bluntness100 · 27/06/2017 15:28

Hmm. I see both sides. If he has a high sex drive I can see why with a very limited sex life, he may think he might be tempted to go elsewhere. Not condoning it, simply I understand his thought process.

A woman posted a while ago about her husband not wanting to have sex with her very often, about the same as this and due to low sex drive, and it made her feel like shit and everyone said leave him, life is too short for what is pretty much a sexless marriage and constant rejections. Interesting that when it's the woman that doesn't want to have sex though, then the hubby is being a bastard.

So I can see both sides. This situation has been going on for over four years, and the op is going through the motions. Should her husband just now get used to what is pretty much a life of celibacy? Being rejected takes its toll. She can't fake it or forc e it though.

So I think the op needs to do what she can' to resolve the situation, because if sex is important to her husband in a marriage, then this can be a major deal breaker if it goes on much longer. It's not going to make either of them happy.

An affair though isn't the answer unless you agree to an open marriage.

UserLotsOfNumbers · 27/06/2017 15:30

Hilda, in which case he has the choice to discuss and leave if the situation is unacceptable to him.
He doesn't have the right to warn the op that he'll have an affair, that's a really shitty way of dealing with anything!

How good is any relationship if one partner thinks it's ok to consider having an affair for any reason?

TheSparrowhawk · 27/06/2017 15:30

'It's really unfair to expect your partner to be celibate for life.'

Where did anyone say that they expected their partner to be celibate for life???? The OP said she has sex once a month and is starting therapy to improve things. If her partner isn't happy with that, he can leave, rather than threatening her.

AuntieStella · 27/06/2017 15:31

You've now said your DD is 4.

The mismatched libido has been going on for a longtime.

He's not rushed in to saying this, and I doubt very much that he means it casually.

It seems to me he's saying that this hasreached deal-breaking proportions for him, Nothing he's said or done so far has been sufficient to get you even to rule out a physical imbalance as the cause. Even though (not counting the crazy post natal months) you've had 3 years to do that.

Why would a decent husband feel the need to 'go nuclear'? Could it be because nothing else has got through? if you are not going to have an ordinary marital (ie sexual) relationship with him, and he does not want a low sex or sex-free life, then at some point the final straw comes. Could this be it?

Decide whether you want to try to mend things, or if you think it's better he ends them. If you want to mend, make the doctor's appointment now.

Personally, I would be beyond hurt if DH had a libido/erection problem and 3+ years on he still hadn't even been to the doctors.

UserLotsOfNumbers · 27/06/2017 15:31

He's not a bastard for wanting sex.
He's a bastard if he thinks it's ok to threaten to have an affair because of lack of sex.

MrsHathaway · 27/06/2017 15:33

Fuck me.

Of course it isn't reasonable to require someone to live a sexless life indefinitely.

But it is entirely reasonable to require someone to live a sexless life while they are with an asexual partner (whether temporarily or permanently). Is the partner or the sex more important? If the sex, ok, that's honest, but do the honest thing and exit the relationship before pursuing sex elsewhere.

TheSparrowhawk · 27/06/2017 15:33

'A woman posted a while ago about her husband not wanting to have sex with her very often, about the same as this and due to low sex drive, and it made her feel like shit and everyone said leave him, life is too short for what is pretty much a sexless marriage and constant rejections. Interesting that when it's the woman that doesn't want to have sex though, then the hubby is being a bastard.'

Why why why do people spout this shit?? NOBODY has said that the husband just has to live with the situation. NOBODY. The OP is trying to make things better. It is absolutely fine for the husband to leave, that is his choice. It is NOT fine to threaten to have an affair, that is just totally shit and awful.

Peanutbutterrules · 27/06/2017 15:33

Yep - he's setting up to blame you.

Charming.

He's not helping you, he's giving you an ultimatum.

I'd mention accidentally divorcing him if he has an affair....

Maddogs · 27/06/2017 15:33

Hilda strikes again! My god you wee back of the line in both empathy and tact weren't you!

Maddogs · 27/06/2017 15:33

Were

Adora10 · 27/06/2017 15:38

Shocked at these replies; is nobody listening, he has threatened to have an affair, there is NEVER an excuse for this; the OP is doing her hardest to address this, they DO have sex not just as much as he would like, boo hoo, have a wank then, and wait until your wife finds out the cause, perhaps it's him, perhaps he's a self entitled twat in all areas of their relationship and that has killed her libido?

Hilda, you call him a saint, Jesus, what do you call a good guy lol?

No not a bastard to want sex, a complete cunt to threaten to shag someone else.

SparklyMagpie · 27/06/2017 15:41

Hilda think you're being out of order

StormTreader · 27/06/2017 15:49

"bored halfway through" sounds like a good place to start having a think - is he just not very good in bed, do you need more/different from him? Does he take too long? Ive known men who think every woman wants a frickin marathon session, doesnt do it for me.

This is all totally different from the issue of him being a twat about "worried" - if you dont want to have an affair, dont have one. If the sex is an issue, discuss whether you need to break up because of it. If youre ok with having an open relationship, the two of you discuss that. "Have an affair" is never the acceptable option.

Shoxfordian · 27/06/2017 15:51

Tell him he'd want to be worried about it because if you found out he'd be out of the house and you'd be straight on the phone to a divorce lawyer to take him for as much as you can get.

Umbrellifera · 27/06/2017 15:57

....and with one asinine comment the man put himself outside the circle of trust. Quite an achievement. Op, you are being threatened, goaded and blamed all in one go and amounting to a stupendous passion killer.

I would not want to have sex with a man who behaved like that, and it would not be my fault, it would be totally his. A huge and comprehensive apology followed by a robust change in attitude over an unspecified length of time would be the only way he could salvage this wretched situation.

Scoobydoobydont · 27/06/2017 16:00

There's a big difference between threatening tot have an affair, and pointing out that if a situation doesn't improve you could see yourself being tempted.

We don't have anywhere near enough info on the conversation had or the times it has been discussed over the past four years.

OP says husband helps at home, is attractive etc and states there is nothing more he can do.

I don't know how old he is, but four years of very limited sexual relationship at my time of life would feel like I was wasting a big part of my sexual lifetime being with someone who didn't want me to please them or to please me (obviously doesn't apply if someone is ill as the emotional feeling of rejection and hurt doesn't apply in that instance)

I have to agree with the minority's of others and say he is probably just being honest about a situation which needs addressing, and perhaps he could have been more tactful about it, but then he might have tried that for the last four years with no response as far as we know.

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