DH "worried" he might have an affair

[isthisanissueornot]

Background: have very low libido, esp. after having DD. We have sex about once a month, not even as much as that sometimes. I just never feel in the mood, or I get bored halfway through. We're going to see a couples therapist to see if there's a way for me to get some oomph back - I'm just knackered most of the time.

So recently, he remarked that he was "worried" he would have an affair, because he isn't getting much sex at home. And then a couple of weeks later, we were talking about someone I know who's having an affair, and DH said that he wouldn't be able to keep sleeping with me if he was having an affair.

I just think it's a bit weird to suddenly mention affairs and what he would do in that circumstance. And part of me feels he was just being honest, and part of me feels like he's almost threatening me.

I don't know how I feel about it, just feel a bit sad. And it's not like I WANT to have low libido, I just do these days. Are we putting too much faith in therapy? Have other people been in a similar situation and found a way through? Until recently, I would have been one of those people who'd swear blind their partner would never cheat on them, and now suddenly I'm not sure.

valeriej43
Thanks
I will check out Susan Bratton.

Tell him that you are worried you might have an affair with a man who is better in bed

I think it depends how he said it, if he said I feel very lonely and rejected and vulnerable to the attentions of others, even though I would never cheat on you, then that's different than threatening to have an affair (which I don't think he did).

But, it is hard to live without sex, or once a month not very enthusiastic sex for a long time.

And of course he won't necessarily have an affair, but it's also true that life appears more tempting with different people if there's a difficulty in this area. I don't think he's some kind of devil for having pointed this out, and I think it applies to men and women. People who feel rejected sexually long-term are naturally going to have to make more of an effort to resist if someone seems interested in them.

No justification for an affair, of course.

Agree with HildaOg

Four years with v little sex and lying there bored when you are actually DTD. Poor guy, his self esteem must be on the floor and I for one couldn't blame him for suggesting he might look for some attention elsewhere. Sounds like the talk of a desperate guy.

Yeah open your legs OP even though you have zero libido or desire, or else he'll be ball deep in someone else; after all, he's a man he needs to have sex, a wank just won't do.

A man that doesn't seem to give a jot about his poor partner who, outwith her control has lost her libido; fucken hell, I better watch out, I'm going through the menopause so if I'm not putting out I'll expect the same treatment.

Never have I seen so much distaste towards women on here as I have so far today, sickening.

Adora10 - you are completely distorting things by suggesting this issue is to do with 'sexual relief' or that anyone reasonably thinks that 'chore sex' is somehow desired by anyone. These are just your assertions - no one male or female - can genuinely want their DP to consent to sex purely to please another and taking no pleasure themselves. That itself must be a libido killer.
Of course people and relationships can ebb and flow, with periods of high and low libido for many reasons. But persistent prolonged lack of sexual interest in a partner is hugely painful to the rejected party, for deeply emotional reasons.
What is nauseating is a manipulative attempt to divert and deflect away from the actual issue of the causes and resultant pain and misery of sexless relationships - by implying it is coercive or sexist to seek to discuss or address it.

Four years and you've not even ruled out a physical cause?

That's not good on your part and you really need to get that sorted asap.

Then work on your communication problems. Because if you can't tell him that his manner is not seductive, you have a communication problem.

He's doing what works - ie sexual contact happens when he does this. If you want him to do something else, you have to tell him or show him what.

Yes, I think he has chosen a dreadful form of words to say that he's at the end of his tether. But I think that's where he is.

He sounds a bit of a nob.
He could be trying to guilt you into having sex, as opposed to being serious about an affair.
Therapy will hopefully help explore these issues.
Have you had a big honest mature talk about if? If not, that suggests a communication problem which is every bit as serious as a sex one.

Good luck OP

Op, has his behaviour changed? I'm assuming at some point you were happy to have sex with him, and now you are saying the groping and length of sessions turns you off, so is this something that has emerged in the last four years and he wasn't prone to doing it before?

In addition, a previous poster made an excellent point, has there been discussions on this in the past? Has he mentioned it before? Four years is a very long time. But has he simply never said anything and you thought it was all fine, or has he been asking you to fix it for a long time and now just four years later reaching the end of his tether and made the affair comment and you're doing something about it?