DH "worried" he might have an affair

[isthisanissueornot]

Background: have very low libido, esp. after having DD. We have sex about once a month, not even as much as that sometimes. I just never feel in the mood, or I get bored halfway through. We're going to see a couples therapist to see if there's a way for me to get some oomph back - I'm just knackered most of the time.

So recently, he remarked that he was "worried" he would have an affair, because he isn't getting much sex at home. And then a couple of weeks later, we were talking about someone I know who's having an affair, and DH said that he wouldn't be able to keep sleeping with me if he was having an affair.

I just think it's a bit weird to suddenly mention affairs and what he would do in that circumstance. And part of me feels he was just being honest, and part of me feels like he's almost threatening me.

I don't know how I feel about it, just feel a bit sad. And it's not like I WANT to have low libido, I just do these days. Are we putting too much faith in therapy? Have other people been in a similar situation and found a way through? Until recently, I would have been one of those people who'd swear blind their partner would never cheat on them, and now suddenly I'm not sure.

YABU as I do think you may be putting to much emphasis and expectation on therapy. All therapy will require work from both of you, it isn't a universal panacea and might address why your libido is low but not necessarily be able to increase it without much contribution from you.

I don't think its an acceptable thing he said BUT I can see why its happened. I thought you were going to say your DD was maybe a year or under. He is obviously trying to force your hand, yet after 4 years I can see why.

You haven't said how much of an issue he has previously made of the lack of sex. If I'm honest, I probably would have split from DH under these circumstances after such a long time as a lack of interest in me would annihilate my self esteem.

Have you considered seeing a sex therapist firstly as an individual and then as a couple instead?

Does he take too long? Ive known men who think every woman wants a frickin marathon session, doesnt do it for me.

That's it, yes - I'm not starfishing it all the way through, but after ages and ages I just don't get much out of it.

He's not lazy round the house, far from it. He does more than I do. But one thing that does kill it for me is the WAY he tries to get sex, just grabbing at me in a 70s sitcom "phwoar" sort of way that leaves me cold.

OP are you on the pill? That can be a libido killer. You probably should have a conversation about being clear about another child too and if you are on the pill it might be a compromise for him to have the snip. (My oh just did)

Your self image. Make time for yourself. Go swimming or yoga or whatever you enjoy to start investing in yourself, that usually helps.

He was tactless yes, threatening maybe but I could not live in a situation where sex was starved.

It sounds like there is a lot of love there still despite what he said so it sounds like with some work you could sort it out.

Have you had a chat with him about both these issues? What did he say?

Lots of good points on page two of the thread. Particularly nelliefivebellies "he is a human being not an animal and he is in control of his choices so whatever he does will be because he wanted to."

It can be scary hearing someone cheated and being able to see how it might happen. The feeling of "would I be strong enough to resist temptation". Particularly if the person who cheated is someone who didn't seem likely to cheat.

He's not lazy round the house, far from it. He does more than I do. But one thing that does kill it for me is the WAY he tries to get sex, just grabbing at me in a 70s sitcom "phwoar" sort of way that leaves me cold.

I'm assuming you haven't told him this?

If you have and he is carrying on - he is being very disrespectful.

If you haven't told him, why not? And on that note, have you told him what WOULD do it for you?

IMO he's floating the idea of having an affair to test your reaction. If you say you can see the problem and effect on him or empathise, this could be at least encouragement if not permission. Another response might be "I couldn't be in the same house with you knowing you'd been unfaithful, it would mean divorce". Make your red lines clear, then tackle the issue together.

Yip I guessed right, a self entitled twat, grabbing you, groping you, threatening affair, all control tactics to keep you in line and doing exactly what he wants, just yuck, he'd not get my legs apart I tell you.

For those saying poor him, four years and only sex once a month, although I'd guess the once a month is more recent; you all say it's ok to say you are going to shag someone else, would it not be nicer and more respectful to both yourself and your current wife, husband to say you want to part company then go and shag half the world, I'd say so.

An affair, is never acceptable, no matter the circumstances, what little standards some of you have!

My libido went through the roof after DH had the snip. Hadn't realised how terrified I had been of getting pregnant again (have remained on the pill just in case).

Does he use a lot of porn OP?

A decent person would either want to work with you to see how to get your mojo back or if not have the guts to leave the relationship.

No-one is saying he is wrong to want your sex life to be how it was before you had your child but he is being a total wanker for threatening you that he will have an affair. Personally any man saying that to me would be lucky to get sex at all - a total turn off.

I think my response would be that I was worried that I may not be able to fight the compulsion to put all of his possessions in bin bags in the front garden.

Sorry, I think he is at the end of his rope. He may no longer care about the relationship. He may be falling out of love with you.

Have you guys had talks on the future of the relationship? Do you both consider divorce a real option? Do you want to stay with him?

Maybe he will grow a brain when the counsellor explains to him that having no libido means you have no desire to have sex, none, nada, even if you want to, the feelings are just not there, we all have moments like this in life, men too, especially around the menopause age.

What happens if you get ill and that prevents you having sex, does that also give him the green light to seek out shags elsewhere?

Whatever happened to love and respect, sex is not everything, it's a bonus yes but not a right, its a small part of a relationship, communication is far bigger.

I'd just feel very uneasy being with someone that for whatever reason would look elsewhere should my libido take a dive, we can't control it, there is no switch; it shows a fundamental flaw in that person for me I'm afraid.

So if he has an affair he's putting the responsibility of it on to you. How lovely.

Have you spoken to him about sex and what you would like to change?

It doesn't sound like he is a very considerate sexual partner who understands your needs as well as your own.

I had a huge marathon problem with my DP and it was really turning me off. We have spent the past few months focusing on foreplay/oral sex, cuddling, stroking etc and he's even now a convert that this is much more enjoyable for us both than just bloody banging away for hours giving me sore legs and friction burns. I really had to be upfront about it

I tell you why he is taking ages in sex and it's boring.
Because in his mind he doesn't get it very often so he's trying to make the most of it when he does like some all you can eat buffet.

Some really helpful POVs here, and good insights. I shall have a ruminate upon them.Thanks to all

Mackan Look up Susan Branson, she is a sex therapist, and gives hints on problems like these, also videos, manly for en with partners who have lost their sex drive, some tips for women too, but mainly for men, [she has videos on youtube, some just talking ,but links to videos too]

Mainly,not manly,wish you could edit,

isthisanissueornot your husband needs to brush up on his lovemaking techniques, his attitude would put anyone off,especially someone he reckons to love
He hasnt much respect for you in my opinion
Hope you can get this sorted out,

Mackan 1 so sorry its Susan Bratton, not Branson

It sounds to me as if he needs to get you going differently. Show him how.

It sounds to me as if he needs you to get going differently,show him how
THIS

I don't know about anyone else, but I'd be totally put off sex with him after comments like that.
If nothing else I'd be making sure I had all my ducks in a row and make sure I was financially able to support myself and DC, because I wouldn't want to constantly worry that dh would be off if I wasn't having enough sex with him, and have him blame me for it into the bargain.

userlotsofnumbers - exactly. It's a turn off as well as a warning.
Get ducks in a row.

He's 'worried' he might have an affair? As if an affair is just something that happens and people have no control over it. Op I don't blame you for being weird. I would be too.