Online Disappearance

[CactusBridget]

So. I "met" and have been messaging/Skyping/talking to a guy on Muddy Matches for over three weeks now. I'm not friends with him on FB, he's got some public stuff that shows on his FB profile, inc pics of he and his ex. We agreed that once we meet next week, we'd get into the whole FB thing. I currently use Whatsapp to message and phone him. We live miles away from each other, but would have met sooner only he was on hols last week, and me this week. He told me out of curiosity he still reads messages he receives on Muddy, but I haven't bothered since chatting with him. For my Birthday last week, lovely message about us celebrating together next year, and we'd be going on hols together next time. Etc., etc. So, we had a perfectly normal chat on Friday and complete radio silence since. Do I:-
A) Ring/message to check he is still alive and hasn't fallen off his horse or had his phone eaten by said horse.
B) assume he's met someone else this weekend
C) let him vanish into black hole as he's obviously not interested.

Don't feel bad, you are a normal woman and I think it's normal for women to respond in that way. I think that's why OLD isn't working how it should because men and women think differently. I think OLD brings out the Neanderthal man in many men.
Don't worry though, I know a number of single men in their late 40's who have been single for years now due to being an OLD Neanderthal man and can't stop it now so will be single for years to come. I've tried to explain where they're going wrong but the testostetone won't listen.

Don't beat yourself up cactus it's happened to most us, and more than once too.

I just can't understand it. A teeny tiny message saying farewell costs 5 seconds of one's time and leaves a long-lasting sense of righteousness for the sender as well as giving some semblance of closure to the receiver. So why on earth do 'they' just go quiet?

And yes, it's happened to me too.

It's c. But however do not make any assumption whatsoever that his behaviour is any reflection on you. At all.

Yes Finding, Flamingo and Jessica. Tiny little "I've met someone real, before I met the virtual woman that is you and so you're gonski". V simple. Ffs! X

Well in the spirt of "firsts". I turned 50 last week and have been "ghosted" for the first time ever. I'm gleaning that:-
A) men go bob cat hunting with their uncles quite unexpectedly
B) OLD is full of narcissists in a sweet shop
C) it's them not me

I'm so sorry Cactus... I friggin hate this kind of behaviour.. what would it take to send a simply worded text... manners have left the world lovely.. x

You're so right. I was dating a guy for 5 months with regular meeting up (he's in his late 40's). He thought I was fabulous and made comments about the future. Gradually the texts petered out and when I called him out on it - silence...............never to be heard from again. It can happen to any women, it's not about you, it's about them. Men are becoming so disrespectful and treating women like commodities and I think OLD has much to do with it.

Sadly standard behaviour in online dating.

He'll do it to the next woman, I've found out from male friends that if that's what they do, it becomes a behaviour pattern.

You're not stupid! I'm just always amazed at the communication expectations on here onwards and upwards!!

So why on earth do 'they' just go quiet?

Because then they can come back at a later date if all else fails with someone else. It's much easier for them to keep you on a back burner if they don't officially end things with a simple text. Then when they do come back they can claim it was all a simple misunderstanding, that they thought it was you who ghosted them!!! All part of the game I'm afraid.

It's not a gender thing. Everybody does it. I 'go quiet' very often. Because I meet someone else who is more interesting, the conversation has become boring, they come across as needy, they aren't easy to meet due to distance and work/family/social commitments so I get bored...

Old is a people shop, you order what you like, get to know them a bit, send them back while you're getting to know someone else, try someone out, then someone else, then another, juggle a bit, phase someone out...

The whole point is to sift through as many as you can to find someone who is the most compatible partner. If someone doesn't feel right then onto the next.

Don't take anything personally and enjoy meeting people, everybody will find someone in the end.

I would also recommend you meet in RL sooner rather than later because you can form a connection that's not there in RL

I've recently met a man OLD and everything is completely different to my wank stain ex's and dates, I've previously had 😆 No anxiety, no future faking or love bombing just a genuinely caring guy who arranges to meet and never let's me down. We're taking it slowly and just having fun but I hope it continues. There are genuinely decent men out there and if it doesn't work out, he's restored my faith in men and OLD

I think their is a misconception that men dating OLD have some kind of Machiavellian action plan...when actually its just that they a/ have gone off the boil for you b/ like you but cant be arsed meeting c/ like you but are actually fatter / less fit than what you're expecting so they need time to slim down/tone up and possible d/ someone else is looking more of a goer than you.

I have gone quiet on a man at the moment too. We did meet up twice and it was very easy, but he just lives too far away and I don't want to have to push water uphill arranging things........... I know it can be hard enough when they live around the corner. But stupidly i haven't said this to him. I must ring him tomorrow. Maybe we can be friends.

Do ring him soenfj. 👍🏻

Hildaog. I'm channelling you when I go back on Muddy when home from hols. Can't get Muddy out here in Turkey.

Forumdonkey that's great to hear. Like the bit about no anxiety, love bombing and future faking. My guy from OLD wasn't meant to be. Hitching up my "Big Girl Pants" and singing "Let it go" from Frozen! 😂

Funny, I was chatting with a mate about this a couple of weeks ago. We've both been on many an online date and on the occasions we haven't wanted to take it forward have just sent the guy a text saying so, thanking him for a nice night out and wishing him luck in his search.

It's not hard to do and lets him know where he stands. It isn't even a break-up as there's nothing to break at that point!

It's "just" good manners and manners mean a lot. Plus it leaves the other party with the best view of you. Ghosting is the mark of a childish wee coward and why would that be something to aspire to?

Agreed Happy. This guy prided himself in morals/manners etc. Skewed self view as just vanished which was rude/cowardly.

I will not chat with someone for more than a week without meeting them in person
Nor me. It's too easy to develop an attachment when in reality they are still strangers, and until you meet in the flesh you have no idea if there will be chemistry. Also, too many people just like to chat rather than meet, so it can be a massive waste of time too. I also can't stand all these "good morning" and "night night" texts, especially when I'm not even dating the man. They quickly become boring, repeatitive and predictable.

Personally, if I'd just "met" someone online and we both had holidays coming up so couldn't meet until after, I'd tell him to get back in touch after x date when we're both free. None of this chatting/Skyping/Whatsapping before then.

Also, about not messaging for long before meeting, people can go off the boil (I definitely do). Strike whilst the iron is hot is my philosophy and meet as soon as you think it's worth it. For me, that's after reading their profile, making sure they're within my search area, and having 1 get to know them a bit chat on the phone. After that get on with it.

SoENFJ, as you've met him twice and it was good at least send him a text to say that logistically it's too difficult to have a relationships and that it's not personal at all.

Yes, I will, we spent the whole day together, twice, and he was really easy to be around. If he'd been the first person I'd met on line, I'd be trying to shoehorn him in to my life somehow or him in to mine but two years down the line, three - four failed attempts at a 'relationship', I know that I can't push water uphill. It's nothing even to do with him . He's funny and authentic and maybe one of the nicest people I've met online. I need to ring him.