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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do

83 replies

giantpickle · 25/06/2017 15:50

Ok, so I had sex with my ex recently. We're best friends and sometimes have sex - I'm still mad about him but he doesn't know that.

I've just taken a pregnancy test. Its positive. Took a cheap one and then went and got a clearblue digital one. Theres no way that could be wrong could it?!

I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone yet. I haven't told him.

For context, I'm 35, I have a good professional job. I'm old enough and smart enough to avoid this kind of situation. Except Im not. I really really want children but had accepted that time might run out for me by the time I find the right man. My head is spinning.

OP posts:
Flamingoprincess1212 · 25/06/2017 15:53

Hi op.
BREATHE. Flowers

How do you feel? Do you think you could be a lone parent? do you want this baby?
This could well be one of the roughest descisions of your life. Be kind to yourself ❤️

prettywhiteguitar · 25/06/2017 15:55

Well I'm not sure what you're asking other than congratulations ? Smile are you unsure about what to do as you sound like you really want to have a baby ?

Obviously it's not an ideal situation but as a single parent with a good job that's not a bad position to be in.

How do you feel about it ?

Josuk · 25/06/2017 15:56

Well.
There are no right or wrong answers here. And you have choices.
Don't blame yourself - at least not yourself only. Takes two.

And whatever you decide - don't let anyone judge you.

Original poster
giantpickle · 25/06/2017 15:59

Thank you all for replying so quickly. I was sitting here trying to think who I could call to talk to and I realised I don't really have everyone. I have a lovely family (who live quite far away) and friends but I don't think I want them to know until I've decided if I want to keep it or not. I'll tell him of course because it'll be up to him too.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really! Where do I even start?!

OP posts:
Original poster
giantpickle · 25/06/2017 15:59

*don't really have anyone (not everyone)

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 25/06/2017 16:02

Probably better to talk to him, your friends and family about this as they will be able to help you based on your real life.

A bunch of strangers on the internet tend to sway towards an abortion.

Original poster
giantpickle · 25/06/2017 16:08

Thank you. I will talk to them but I've literally just found out and need to get my head round it before I can say it out loud.

OP posts:
thestamp · 25/06/2017 16:14

If you want a baby, you should have a baby. They are hard work, they are limiting, the first few years in particular are incredibly hard usually (sometimes you luck out with a v easy baby, but understand that generally speaking babies/toddlers are v v hard work!!).

BUT, if you want a baby, you want a baby. Being a single mum has been wonderful for me (also hard!). As long as you have money for childminding, babysitter etc., you will be ok.

Thinking of you. I've had a termination in the past so no judgement from me on that option either. Youre also allowed to decide this isn't the right situation. It's your life, your bundle of cells, your body. Xxx

Original poster
giantpickle · 25/06/2017 17:00

It's just not sinking in at all. How do I go about telling him?!

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 25/06/2017 17:13

It can't come as a huge shock to him if you were having unprotected sex surely?

WaahImTellingTheDorchester · 25/06/2017 17:16

Ok, I think you need to take as much time as you need to decide what YOU want to do before you tell him. Speak to your friends maybe but I think you need to give yourself time before you speak to him. And these comments are why:

I really really want children

I'll tell him of course because it'll be up to him too.

  • It is not up to him and it shouldn't be up to him. This is about YOU. Your life and your decisions because you are the person it will really really affect. Yes you should absolutely tell him but there is no way in hell that you should involve him in ANY decision.

He may put enormous pressure on you to abort... knowing full well it's not his parenthood in the balance... he can go on and have his family later... you might not.

He may be enthusiastic and promise the world... but could decide to stop answering the phone and simply walk away at any point. No comeback.

Don't end up kicking yourself because you allowed him to be instrumental in a decsion which he could at any point remove himself from the aftermath of, but which will change your life and won't be something you can easily ignore.

If you really really want children, this goes x100. You're 35. Yes you may have a significant amount more time, or you really may not. It's realistic to say that this may be your only chance and as someone with a job and security you may be in a good position to go it alone. It's also absolutely fine if, despite your wish for children, this really isn't the way you want to do it. Either decision is fine, and workable.

The only real potential for true heartbreak is if the decision made isn't really yours, but influenced by someone able to walk away from its consequences without a backward glance.

MoominFlaps · 25/06/2017 17:18

It's not remotely up to him. Your body your choice. Don't ever have an abortion OR a baby because someone else wants you to.

NameChange30 · 25/06/2017 17:23

Why did the two of you split up?
Seems weird if you're still "best friends", you still have sex and you're "mad about him"?

And I agree with PPs who say it's not up to him at all. You might factor him into the decision but it's your decision. He could pressure you to have an abortion, or he could make all sorts of promises that he breaks when the baby is here... are you hoping he'll be glad that you're pregnant and want to play happy families?

The reason you split will be key to whether that's a good idea or not.

thestamp · 25/06/2017 17:37

^ good points here OP.

You do need to bear in mind, generally speaking, the mother is literally left holding the baby. Even "good" fathers are typically hands off compared to mums. Plan/make a decision based in the assumption that the dad will not be around or even pay maintenance, imo. Because that's a v real possibility, unfortunately. No matter how "lovely" your ex has been in the past.

Haffdonga · 25/06/2017 17:43

Actually not really that much of a giant pickle Giantpickle

You really really want children. You are old enough, financially secure enough and pregnant enough to have one. And you have created one with your best friend!

What exactly is the pickle?

Congratulations!

QuiteLikely5 · 25/06/2017 17:48

I think op is being wise in considering if he will want this baby! It's no picnic raising a child alone and the op doesn't live near her own family.

Did he realise that there was a lack of contraception in place?

Why did you split up?

Haffdonga · 25/06/2017 17:52

This is exactly what happened with my good friend. She had an ex who remained a friend and she got pregnant after a once off 'reunion'. He was totally shocked when she told him though he obviously should have known better and agreed to support her decision. Although the relationship didn't work out between friend and ex, as friends they were fantastic co-parents and their lovely dd has grown up a credit to them both.

scorchioinJune · 25/06/2017 18:18

Agree with Haffdonga.

Forget what you " should" or shouldn't " be doing. Those things belong to societal norms that are very prone to change. Do what you actiually want. Which as you have said you want children, is to to go through with the pregnancy.
The father of your child will work out his own agenda. I don't think it will work out in relationship terms but being a single parent ( of one ) isn't half as hard or complicated as being in a crap relationship with children.
Congratulations.

Original poster
giantpickle · 25/06/2017 19:31

Thanks for all the replies. To answer some of your questions we broke up because he just didn't have the right kind of feelings for me except as a friend. He's been badly burnt in the past and I think this may have something to do with it too.

I probably should have mentioned this but he's already a dad (split from the mum after 8 years of marriage through her having an affair). He's an amazing dad to his little boy and he lives with him half the time. I Know he won't pressure me into an abortion- just the opposite really. But the bottom line is that he does not want a relationship with me and I don't want to force him into one but equally I don't want to only have part custody of my child.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 25/06/2017 19:45

Noone can tell you the right thing for you, Pickle but the words you said in your first post ( I really really want a child ) are important and sharing being a parent with someone who is decent, trustworthy and a good dad is better than being a parent married to someone who turns out not to be so great.

Noone knows what would happen in the future if you don't go through with this pregnancy (of course Mr Right may be waiting for you to have his babies just round the corner) but if the choice comes down to being a parent now with a guy you like, who is an excellent parent or taking the risk of never being a parent, what would you choose?

NameChange30 · 25/06/2017 19:58

It sounds like a tough call. He must have some feelings for you if he's still having sex with you - but maybe he's protecting himself, doesn't want to make himself emotionally vulnerable after getting so hurt before? But if he's not ready, he's not ready - there's nothing you can do about it.

I think the best case scenario is that you'll be good co-parents, but only if you can put your feelings for him behind you - otherwise it might be very painful for you to be co-parenting with him rather than the being the happy family you'd like to be.

Organisations like BPAS and Marie Stopes offer professional, impartial counselling to help women make the decision about whether to continue or terminate a pregnancy. I suggest you contact them and set up some counselling to talk it through.

MMmomDD · 25/06/2017 21:59

I don't think part-custody is the most likely scenario here - you are not even married.
I'd consult a lawyer if that is an important factor for you.

Also - realise - that even if you were having a child as part of a married couple - that is NOT a guarantee that you don't end up with part-custody. People do divorce. More than you think.

Not saying to sway you this or that way. Just to give you the facts.

It must be a daunting decision. But, at the same time - possibly an exciting next stage.

greendale17 · 25/06/2017 22:02

If you want the baby, keep it

MoominFlaps · 25/06/2017 22:04

To answer some of your questions we broke up because he just didn't have the right kind of feelings for me except as a friend.

But yet is happy to have sex with you Confused

MoominFlaps · 25/06/2017 22:05

He must have some feelings for you if he's still having sex with you - but maybe he's protecting himself, doesn't want to make himself emotionally vulnerable after getting so hurt before

Orrrr he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.

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