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Original poster

I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do

83 replies

giantpickle · 25/06/2017 15:50

Ok, so I had sex with my ex recently. We're best friends and sometimes have sex - I'm still mad about him but he doesn't know that.

I've just taken a pregnancy test. Its positive. Took a cheap one and then went and got a clearblue digital one. Theres no way that could be wrong could it?!

I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone yet. I haven't told him.

For context, I'm 35, I have a good professional job. I'm old enough and smart enough to avoid this kind of situation. Except Im not. I really really want children but had accepted that time might run out for me by the time I find the right man. My head is spinning.

OP posts:
CocoaLeaves · 25/06/2017 22:09

Why would you get part residence, though? You would be the baby's mother, and you would be the primary career. You are not married, but you get along well, so why would you end up with a contentious arrangement? I think you are several steps ahead of yourself.

I am a lone parent of two DC, I would always choose being a single parent over having no DC at all (although two is enough for me!) Finding out you are pregnant sounds like a shock, I think you need a few days to get used to the idea. But really, I think you may be blessed - if you are not married, no nasty divorce, just the pregnancy and baby and no pressure if you do meet someone else to decide if he would be a good father in a relatively short time.

CocoaLeaves · 25/06/2017 22:10

Primary carer, I meant

NameChange30 · 25/06/2017 22:29

Moomin
"Orrrr he just wants to have his cake and eat it too."
Yes very good point. But he can only have and eat his cake if the OP lets him - and she is!

Original poster
giantpickle · 25/06/2017 23:45

Thanks everyone. Yes we probably haven't behaved perfectly- I have been letting the sex happen and so has he knowing that it isn't healthy for our friendship. We spend about 3 nights a week together and speak several times every day. His little boy and I absolutely adore each other. Our relationship (or whatever you would call it!) isn't based around the sex- it's fairly infrequent.

I still haven't told him. I feel like I need a few days to let it sink in. Not sure how I can make it feel more 'real'- at the moment half of me doesn't believe I'm pregnant at all.

OP posts:
Josuk · 26/06/2017 00:32

Pickle....
Don't beat yourself up!
Or think of sex as 'letting it happen' or 'giving him cake' -
Sex is what adults do together, and for many reasons. It doesn't all have to be as part of a traditionally defined "relationship".

And you and him do have some sort of relationship - talking every day and seeing each other 3 times a week, close with his kid.....hmmm.... looks and feels like a relationship.

Take your time and let it sink in.

C0untDucku1a · 26/06/2017 00:41

You Spend three nights a week with him? In What way?

Original poster
giantpickle · 26/06/2017 00:45

Not staying over or sex usually CountD - just hanging out at one of our places. Watching films/chatting/cooking/playing with his kid. We go to the cinema, dinner, days out together too. I know it's like a relationship but it isn't. It's weird but has kind of worked up til now.

OP posts:
frogsgoladidadida · 26/06/2017 00:48

I think deep down you know what you want to do. And as someone who struggled to get her family, please do take into account that your age is an important factor, if you do want to have children.

I have never been more pro choice, than since I became a mum. (I have four!) it is bloody hard work, much harder than you can ever imagine but the rewards are massive.

It is ultimately your decision, his choice is if he is an active parent or not (although it does sound like he will be).

Can I (tentatively) say congratulations? Smile

NameChange30 · 26/06/2017 05:03

"I think deep down you know what you want to do."

It's so weird when people write this.
How on earth do you know what a stranger on the internet feels "deep down"?!
You can take a guess based on what they've told us. But let's be honest, only the OP knows how she feels deep down.

Maybe she does know what to do, maybe she doesn't yet - and that's ok.

frogsgoladidadida · 26/06/2017 06:33

I wrote that, because that is the impression I have Emma. Nothing weird about that (it is a public forum).

Desmondo2016 · 26/06/2017 07:05

He can call it what he likes butnobviously you do have some kind of relationship, and one that sounds pretty happy. So ultimately you're pregnant (which you wanted) eith his baby (which you wanted). The only thing to say is 'Congratulations!'

CrazyHairSister · 26/06/2017 07:22

What Desmondo said pretty much sums it up

Squishedstrawberry4 · 26/06/2017 07:28

In your shoes I'd have the child. You're obviously good friends. It was an accident but you can offer that child lots of love and care between you.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 26/06/2017 07:30

Shared care could potentially make it a bit easier to continue working?

CocoaLeaves · 26/06/2017 07:59

I know Desmondo I was married and that is more than I saw and spoke to my husband - one of the lightbulb moments I had was that it had not been a marriage in any meaningful way.

So while this may not be a relationship- and your friend seems happier without that label on it giantpickle - it sounds quite a stable and close friendship. People have brought a child into less.

The other thing is - you say there is an option of not having this baby and finding someone else to have a baby with in a conventional relationship ( I paraphrase). I don't see how you can meet someone else with this level of time involvement to your friend. Because it looks and sounds like a relationship albeit one where there are certain boundaries, including not calling it a relationship. So the coziness you currently have would have to stop. Which would be a loss for you both and his son.

You potentially have a lot more than I had and I was married. You really, really want a baby and he has been having sex with you. I think it should be a congratulations situation. Just take it one day at a time.

CocoaLeaves · 26/06/2017 08:04

Sorry my paraphrasing of your posts was wrong, I mixed this up with something else - you say you had accepted that time might run out before you meet the right man. I think the rest of what I said stands though

Original poster
giantpickle · 26/06/2017 14:43

Thank you all. I'm definitely erring towards keeping it. I'm still mindful of the fact that miscarriages are very common in early pregnancy so this could all go away. I'm going to tell him at the weekend and we will take it from there I guess.

OP posts:
ClaraC93 · 26/06/2017 15:17

Gosh, I feel for you!! Life Charity has a free helpline with counsellors and skilled listeners for exactly these type of situations. Might be worth giving them a call just to give you a chance to talk through your feelings? Their number is 0808 802 5433 xx

Beelzebop · 26/06/2017 15:42

Good luck with your decision, whatever you decide. I would go for it, having read what you have put I think you will regret it if you don't. I know lots of couples raising a child that aren't together but do a great job. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your ex, as long as you are clear that you are together as parents I can't see a problem. However, that's my very humble opinion in such delicate matters, again, good luck xx

NameChange30 · 26/06/2017 15:42

Life Charity? I've ever heard of them, but they sound suspiciously like a "pro-life" (= anti abortion) organisation.

Counselling is a good idea but it should be through a reputable, impartial organisation like BPAS or Marie Stopes.

NameChange30 · 26/06/2017 15:44

Yep I've just Google them and they're anti abortion. I'm reporting your post Clara.

Original poster
giantpickle · 26/06/2017 16:43

I hope that's an innocent mistake Clara and you are not trawling MN looking for people to give anti-abortion propaganda to. I won't be ringing any helplines thanks, once I'm ready I have many people who I can talk to. Quite a few of them are medical professionals too. I'm not uninformed about the issues I'm facing- I'm just a little dazed and shocked as I didn't think I would be in this situation.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 26/06/2017 16:58

Catholic so probably not an innocent mistake!

RodeoDriveBaby · 26/06/2017 16:59

Sod off clara.

Onecutefox · 26/06/2017 17:14

Pickle, if your friend doesn't use protection during sex with you then maybe, deep-down, he wanted it to happen?

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