I feel like a worthless, useless piece of shit

[Cottonheadedninnnymuggins]

I posted some months ago about the problems I'm having in my marriage and things have come to a head again this morning. I've been with my husband 25 years, 3 DC. I have given up everything in my life to support him in his chosen career, I had such dreams and ambitions. I took him back after had an affair and have always stood strong at his side. Some years ago we remortgaged the house so he could buy into his business practice. We have lost everything, he has now left his practise and set up on his own and things are looking good.

The stress over the past few months has been intolerable, the last five months he was a partner in his old practise he did not get paid, so the mortgage is in arrears and we have been living hand to mouth. I am a freelance content writer so work is unpredictable. I also make jewellery and I have kept us going through the lean times as well as doing 99% of the childcare and housework.

This morning at 4.30am my husband jumped out of bed and started his favourite rant. His life is crap because we don't have enough sex, I don't make enough of an effort with myself, he can't understand why I don't wear make up all the time and I should be making myself look sexy for him. He hates my cooking and has been looking into seeing a prostitute. He doesn't think it fair that a man if his looks and calibre should be getting less sex than 'normal looking' men.

I tried to explain yet again, that I have constant anxiety, I don't sleep and I have a low opinion of myself and that has affected my libido. Apparently women don't have a libido, they just have to open their legs. He has said this before...I am not a vag on a stick! Financially, I can't leave, I've wasted so many years on a shallow, self centred twat from hell. My plan was to get more work and put money away in order to free my fanny. I have emailed some of my contacts this morning, so fingers crossed something will come from that. It's so hard to drag yourself up when you have been so low for so long, I feel worthless and useless and fucking ugly. I was so pathetic this morning trying to pacify him because he was starting to get aggressive. I used to be strong and funny, I had so much potential but now I am nothing. A pathetic creature, who does not even wear lipstick, well shame on me. Sorry to rant I needed to get this off my chest before the kids get up.

I am so pleased you've made the decision to leave that disgusting pig of yours! Who does he think he is! Selfish dick 😡 Get away as soon as you can, you deserve your life back again away from him. Disgusting attitude he has to think women should just please men like that, ugh. You are absolutely no nothing, please don't think that. He has spent 25yrs treating you like a piece of shit while abusing you in everyway. Your confidence, energy and happiness will return once you dump the cockwomble, you will be happy again

What a horrible, horrible man.

Is it any wonder you feel down when you've had years of living with someone like that? That's what years of abuse does to someone. It's not accidental, abusers know what they're doing. It's designed to break your will, your confidence.

Right, what do you want to do OP? Do you want to leave? I would be making an appointment with a solicitor asap to get advice on next steps. for you. Your husband is a cunt, he really is.

A rant on here is all well and good but its a short term solution only. Your situation is intolerable and real changes have to be made.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. It may be difficult to leave but the life you are describing for yourself (and in turn your children) now seems nothing short of hellish. What do you think your children are learning about relationships here, you would not want this model of a relationship for them would you. They have probably heard and seen far more than you care to realise. Its not a model of a relationship for you either; you do not waste any more years of your life on such a man.

You are not nothing or a pathetic creature; you have been simply worn down to a crisp and he has done a right number on you over the years. Womens Aid are well worth contacting as are the Rights of Women organisations.

Why did you take him back after his affair; is that a question you also ask yourself daily. Did you see similar patterns of behaviours from your parents when you were growing up?

Glad you are hoping to get all your ducks in a row.

Is there any way you can do separate bedrooms?
I'll be honest, I'm actually realll worried for you OP. The aggressiveness and the attitude to sex from your "D"H is worrying.

You are something. You're not just a wife. You're a woman and a mother to your 3DC.

Sorry I'm not very helpful but I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will be along shortly

He doesn't think it fair that a man if his looks and calibre should be getting less sex than 'normal looking' men

Words fail me. What an absolute, vain fool your husband is!

You are not worthless or ugly. Your DH is the one with the problem. Decide if you have any future with him and if not carry on with your plans for increasing your income so you can leave. My ex was like this when he had his "mid life crisis". Good luck x

I'm pretty much trapped at the moment, financially I cannot walk away. His old business crippled us, the mortgage is horrendous and we are in negative equity so cannot sell. I need for the new business to start bringing some money in and I need to get more work so I can build myself up financially in order to go. He is an extremely vain man, he was ranting that he is loosing weight because my cooking is so shit...our oven is broken so I'm cooking from scratch for five every night just using the hob. My washing machine is also broken so I have to hand wash, everything is so hard and we are here because of his vanity and all he cares about is getting his knob serviced. Every day I regret taking him back after his affair, I could have started a new life for me and my boys, but I listened to other people telling me what a lovely man he was and he'd made a mistake blah blah!

My boys are 17, 16 and 12 and they see right through him, the little one has apologised to me for the way his Dad speaks to me and the older two think he is pathetic and no role model. I'm feel like such a waste of space that my life has come to this.

he was ranting that he is loosing weight because my cooking is so shit...our oven is broken so I'm cooking from scratch for five every night just using the hob

If he thinks your cooking is so bad, let him cook his own meals. I certainly wouldn't cook for someone who called my cooking shit!

Asmoto, I've told him before I won't bother cooking for him if it's that bad, but I always end up doing it...I'm pathetic

You're not pathetic. You've been bullied by him for too long.

He is the pathetic one, not you

Have you sat in front of a Solicitor re the process of separating from this individual?.

Your children are learning all sorts of lessons on relationships from you two and this is really not the legacy you want to be leaving them going forward. They also see no working oven or washing machine and they certainly know their dad only cares about his own stupid self. They see that their house is akin to a warzone with their dad conducting his own private war against you and it is certainly not a sanctuary. There is never a good time to leave and all sorts of reasons come up to stay longer e.g. birthdays, Christmas, exams and the like but this is really no life for them to be witness to either.

Abusive people can be very plausible to those in the outside world; that is probably why these gullible souls said what they did. Street angel, house devil is a good term for them.

You are not a waste of space at all, he has simply made you feel that way and undoubtedly over many years as well.

You are not pathetic at all op you sound like you are doing an amazing job of keeping your family afloat at what seems a very difficult time . This man has to go, though! I know how difficult it may seem as you are struggling financially but the longer you stay with him you will just feel lower and lower until there is nothing left. I think you already feel close to this point. Just getting him out of your life will be the biggest step and what follows, however difficult will be much better than living with him. Your older boys are getting to an age where they may leave home soon and it will be heartbreaking for them to have to leave you with them. Trust me on that as I've been the child who's had to leave my mother with my abusive alcoholic father and it tears you apart knowing you have moved on with your own life and she is still dealing with the same crap day in day out. I wish you all the best and hope you can see a way forward for you and your boys and get back to being the strong, funny woman you deserve to be

*leave you with him

This sounds absolutely horrible.

If you are biding your time until you can 'afford' to leave and if you have joint finances can you keep some money in a F**k off account so you at least have some money to access fast?

For your children's sake 'I can't afford to leave' is not good enough sorry. You are allowing them to do through this with you. I would rather build up from the bottom WITH my dignity than spend another moment with this prick...... ps waking you at 4.30am will do your anxiety the world of good. Hate men like this,

Your boys will be leaving home in the next few years, and you'll be left with him. I'm in a similar situation - just not as acute as you.

I wouldn't presume anything in terms of ending the marriage from a financial point of view. Get yourself to a solicitor and have a chat. You may find that things would not be as bad as you think.

It is no way to live the rest of your life. Start to make plans. That in itself gives me an inner confidence, which gets me through the days. The lack of self esteem is crippling, I know.

There's something wrong with your 'D'H, there's nothing wrong with you. To begin with he's dragged his family into financial instability despite being supported by you at every turn. He's a failure. You are not his scapegoat or his whipping boy. He should be prostrating himself at your feet.

You are not pathetic and far from useless. He is ranting and giving you abuse because he wants to justify to himself that because you don't deliver in bed he can go someplace else. You are still that woman you describe in the beginning of you post, she has just been told to be quiet for his benefit. There is such a good life out there, just open that door, x

You will be strong and funny again, just get rid of that useless piece of shit

Woman's aid can advise you.
There might be an exit you are not aware of.

Hugs.

Can you find a job that is a more regular income source? I mean absolutely anything.
The worst thing that can happen to you all financially is bankruptcy but there are benefits and tax credits available to top up your wages if you did manage to leave. You could look at rentibg a place privately and definitely look on entitledto.org to see what you may recieve.
You definitely can do this and do not deserve a single minute more of this

He went into his office at 6.30, came back at 8 to take our youngest to school, came home and has gone back to work now. It was more of the same, I'm not normal, he works hard and doesn't get any reward for it when he gets home. What fucking reward did I get when I left uni and worked 60 hours a week in a shitty insurance office to pay for him to do his degree because his parents wouldn't give him a penny, what reward did a I get for running my own recruitment business and paying for him to do a second degree. What reward did I get for raising his children, he never once did a night feed and only took 2 days off when they were born. What reward did I get when I answered the door to a furious man ranting about my husband having an affair with his wife, barging his way into my home and proceeding to read 5 months of emails in front of my children. What reward for the nights I've worked through to complete jewellery orders or when I sat for days with my poor Dad when he died a horrible death from cancer. Nothing, nothing I've got nothing not even my fucking dignity, having to go cap in hand to my family to feed my kids...I'm 46 years old and I have fucking nothing, I'm worse than useless.

Op now is the time to get away from this! Don't waste a second more on him. Call women's aid today it will be the best thing you could do.

That's exactly what you need to channel - anger op! You're not pathetic, this man is. I don't think I've ever heard of such a pathetic specimen. He makes my narc STBEXH look like a pretty good prospect!

Op I would send him that last post on an email. And at the end I'd be giving him a list of things that will be happening when he gets home - separate bedrooms, you won't be cooking for him and you'll be living separate lives.

He's acting this way because he's a massive fuck up. Every time he comes home to a broken washing machine and low budget food that he doesn't want to eat, with his boys eyeing him across the table it just reminds him of what a massive fucked up tool he's been in his life. So being an insecure little toad he's turning it around on you to make him feel better.

I think if I heard that conversation about being so good looking I'd have just blurted out laughing. But that he's thinking of a prostitute - and you have no money to eat well???? Yeah mate fix your dick with your cash, and let your kids starve you pathetic tosser.

Please please lovely, go and seek some advice from Women's Aid or free time with a solicitor. This isn't living, for you or your boys, it's not even surviving.

Who do you have in real life to help you? I'm so angry listening to this twunt that I feel I want to come and get you all and bring you here. And I never get emotionally caught up on these posts.