I feel like a worthless, useless piece of shit

[Cottonheadedninnnymuggins]

I posted some months ago about the problems I'm having in my marriage and things have come to a head again this morning. I've been with my husband 25 years, 3 DC. I have given up everything in my life to support him in his chosen career, I had such dreams and ambitions. I took him back after had an affair and have always stood strong at his side. Some years ago we remortgaged the house so he could buy into his business practice. We have lost everything, he has now left his practise and set up on his own and things are looking good.

The stress over the past few months has been intolerable, the last five months he was a partner in his old practise he did not get paid, so the mortgage is in arrears and we have been living hand to mouth. I am a freelance content writer so work is unpredictable. I also make jewellery and I have kept us going through the lean times as well as doing 99% of the childcare and housework.

This morning at 4.30am my husband jumped out of bed and started his favourite rant. His life is crap because we don't have enough sex, I don't make enough of an effort with myself, he can't understand why I don't wear make up all the time and I should be making myself look sexy for him. He hates my cooking and has been looking into seeing a prostitute. He doesn't think it fair that a man if his looks and calibre should be getting less sex than 'normal looking' men.

I tried to explain yet again, that I have constant anxiety, I don't sleep and I have a low opinion of myself and that has affected my libido. Apparently women don't have a libido, they just have to open their legs. He has said this before...I am not a vag on a stick! Financially, I can't leave, I've wasted so many years on a shallow, self centred twat from hell. My plan was to get more work and put money away in order to free my fanny. I have emailed some of my contacts this morning, so fingers crossed something will come from that. It's so hard to drag yourself up when you have been so low for so long, I feel worthless and useless and fucking ugly. I was so pathetic this morning trying to pacify him because he was starting to get aggressive. I used to be strong and funny, I had so much potential but now I am nothing. A pathetic creature, who does not even wear lipstick, well shame on me. Sorry to rant I needed to get this off my chest before the kids get up.

I have fucking nothing

You have your kids. No small thing op (not everybody does)

Springydafs, sorry if that sounded insensitive, I am so blessed to have my boys and they are the one good thing to come from all this. It's more a reflection of how I feel about myself. I've given him everything emotionally and in terms of support and he's given me nothing back just shit.

I spoke to him this afternoon and he has now told me that I need to let him know when I'm 'going to be up for it' and if it's not soon he'll 'have to make alternative arrangements'.

I know this can't go on and I need a plan. Thank you all so much for listening, I don't tell people in real life what goes on and I tend to put my head down and get on with things.

I spoke to him this afternoon and he has now told me that I need to let him know when I'm 'going to be up for it' and if it's not soon he'll 'have to make alternative arrangements'.

Reply "not any time soon love so looks like you'll be sorting yourself out from now on"

Sorry, not helpful but I actually want to rant at him and tear his bollocks off on your behalf!

If he has to resort to using prostitutes what's with his infamous good looks and charm and all he's obviously not the catch he thinks he is.

Op please get out while you can

He is massively a entitled selfish prick.
No wonder you feel bad if he is threatening to see a prostitute.
This guy is using you. he is not treating you as a partner.
I guess you will be happier without him.

You sound like you have excellent work experience and skills, so could you take a full-time job for the regular income?
Would your parents/family help you put a deposit together to rent a property?
Have you looked at whether you'd be entitled to any benefits if you were a lone parent?
Could you move into another bedroom and start separating your lives? Could your boys share a room? Is there a spare?
What would happen if you told him the relationship was over and you wanted him to move out?

Look at all the options and start building yourself up, talk to Women's Aid and do the Freedom Programme, if only online.

You are worthy. Worthy of so much more than him!

You are not useful, because you are not here to be used and used by him for his own gratification

I think this is one of the worst things I have ever read on MN. I am truly, truly shocked and horrified.

You are as far away from useless as it's possible to be. You are doing an amazing job. He is a worthless cunt who doesn't deserve you.

You need legal advice ASAP. Lots of solicitors do a free half hour. Due to the length of the marriage and the fact that you have financially and practically enabled him to work, he would have to support you, you can apply for an order to keep the family home until your youngest is 18 and you'd have a strong claim for his pension.

You don't have to live like this. Things can change. He's a real bully and you shouldn't take any notice of his threats. Let him go to a prostitute. Let him have meaningless sex with a stranger and have to pay for it. A prostitute is not a replacement wife and he'd have his eyes opened to that pretty quickly. Meanwhile, you can plan your exit.

I wish there was something more I could do to help you OP, I really do.

What sunshine said

Please leave him.

He's a vile cunt and tbh the only opening of my legs I'd give him would be a swift kick in his balls.

He's arrogant.
He's selfish.
He hates women.

Honestly I'd tell him please don't visit a prostitute - so they don't have to put up with any of his shit.

You're a beautiful woman. He doesn't deserve you.

Hugs OP.

I wasn't telling you off op. You have the good things - whereas he doesn't and, by the sounds of things, never will.

You have your kids - you have their support, too, which is remarkable. But they shouldn't have to live in this toxic home. They've seen too much already - far too much

Yes it's more than taking how much you have lost but you have your precious kids, you have your health (I presume?), you have or country's good laws where you can extricate yourself from this piece of shit man relatively straightforwardly. You have a lot in the scheme of things.

I'm not minimising what you've experienced and the tremendous loss. But from now on in it's Operation Rescue Kids. You need to get them out.

Oh my god OP. You are so resilient- you've supported him this far. You could do so much more for yourself. What a pig!

How on earth have you manahed to live with this fool for so long.
Your life will be fabulous once you are free of him, your confidence will come back, you will cease to be anxious and you will discover what a wonderful talented person that you are. It can only get worse if you stay.
It may feel worse when you leave but trust me in a year you won't know yourself for the peace and joy you will fell. best of luck.

Ask him to get a receipt from the brothel so you can put it in an unreasonable behaviour file for your solicitor.

Please please don't succumb to this threat and bullying and sleep with this man. It's coercion.
https://www.bustle.com/articles/67926-is-it-rape-if-you-say-yes-5-types-of-sexual-coercion-explained

You've had some amazing, true and realistic advice here, please use it to buoy yourself. I also just wanted to say: See that list you wrote to illustrate why you feel a failure? I read it as a biography of a strong, capable, intelligent woman and mother who has been wholeheartedly doing her exceptional best for her family. That he has offered you nothing but his twisted shit in return says everything about him and changes nothing about who you are and what you're capable of. Your kids sound amazing - and I'm damn sure that's down to you too. Get some support in RL, even if it's just initially speaking to a lawyer or financial adviser. A place like Women's Aid will confirm to you that he is being abusive to you - if you need confirmation. Never doubt yourself even if it feels like a long and difficult road to free yourself from this toxic man because you'll get to a good place, without him, honestly. And don't give him your body for sex. Ever again. Enough is enough. Best of luck to you x

Stay strong OP 💐

How are you op?

If any of your family or friends knew about this, would they tell you to stay or would they offer a roof over your head until you can sort things? Sometimes you need to take a deep breath, and open your heart to someone. Anyone with a heart would do anything they can to help you. It could take you years to get away from this miserable worthless sack of shit. Don't even think about the bills/money - let him sort it out and just concentrate on looking after your kids and you! I've never said LTB to anyone on here, but you really do need to. Sending hugs.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support, you have kept me going today and given me the kick up the arse I needed. My brother has been really supportive, and he's helping me to come up with a leaving strategy. I am strong and I will leave, there are glimmers of the old me and I just need to grab hold of them and look to the future.

I'm so glad you've confided in your brother op. Does he know what has been going on and for how long? At least he will be able to guide you when it gets too much or you can't see the wood for the trees. You have people on your side. Glad you are feeling more hopeful.

How are you op?