I feel like a worthless, useless piece of shit

[Cottonheadedninnnymuggins]

I posted some months ago about the problems I'm having in my marriage and things have come to a head again this morning. I've been with my husband 25 years, 3 DC. I have given up everything in my life to support him in his chosen career, I had such dreams and ambitions. I took him back after had an affair and have always stood strong at his side. Some years ago we remortgaged the house so he could buy into his business practice. We have lost everything, he has now left his practise and set up on his own and things are looking good.

The stress over the past few months has been intolerable, the last five months he was a partner in his old practise he did not get paid, so the mortgage is in arrears and we have been living hand to mouth. I am a freelance content writer so work is unpredictable. I also make jewellery and I have kept us going through the lean times as well as doing 99% of the childcare and housework.

This morning at 4.30am my husband jumped out of bed and started his favourite rant. His life is crap because we don't have enough sex, I don't make enough of an effort with myself, he can't understand why I don't wear make up all the time and I should be making myself look sexy for him. He hates my cooking and has been looking into seeing a prostitute. He doesn't think it fair that a man if his looks and calibre should be getting less sex than 'normal looking' men.

I tried to explain yet again, that I have constant anxiety, I don't sleep and I have a low opinion of myself and that has affected my libido. Apparently women don't have a libido, they just have to open their legs. He has said this before...I am not a vag on a stick! Financially, I can't leave, I've wasted so many years on a shallow, self centred twat from hell. My plan was to get more work and put money away in order to free my fanny. I have emailed some of my contacts this morning, so fingers crossed something will come from that. It's so hard to drag yourself up when you have been so low for so long, I feel worthless and useless and fucking ugly. I was so pathetic this morning trying to pacify him because he was starting to get aggressive. I used to be strong and funny, I had so much potential but now I am nothing. A pathetic creature, who does not even wear lipstick, well shame on me. Sorry to rant I needed to get this off my chest before the kids get up.

...I'm 46 years old and I have fucking nothing, I'm worse than useless......

This has really struck me. How very sad this man makes you feel useless.
In my opinion you are definitely not useless. You have raised three kids who are thankfully not copying their fathers behaviour, they see it for what it is and sound wonderful and a credit to YOU. This is what you still have and it's priceless.

Please please OP get some legal advice and start the process of getting your life back. Look how amazing you've done (keeping the family afloat, instilling good morals in kids) .... and this is all despite having that deadbeat abuser weighing you down. Just think how amazing and better you can do without him. I think you have so much potential in life I really do

Yes, financially you're in the shit. But, this is what women's refuges were invented for. So when you're treated this badly by someone, there is always an immediate Plan B. Get out, and the money stuff can be sorted later.

Call the National Domestic Violence Helpline. It's really hard getting through, so keep calling. They'll find you somewhere else to stay whilst you rebuilt your life.

020 7395 7771

Tell him to go and find someone to service him but to make sure she is dirt cheap (free) as he isn't earning and you are not having him spend money you earn for you and the DC on getting his dick wet.

You sound amazing!

You have earned and raised a family while he ponces around doing 2 degrees and running businesses into the ground.

You are the only one providing for your DC, cooking and cleaning under crap circumstances.

How is he providing in the slightest?

And less unattractive men get more sex because they are not pigs on the inside.

Hold your head up high.

You are not the worthless, useless piece of shit in this relationship.

He's a bankrupt both financially and morally. And an abuser. Let him buy his sex and get him to put this in a text or email for your solicitor. You have your boys and your dignity.

He will have neither and that's what he deserves.

Good luck with leaving.

I'm so pleased you've confided in your brother OP, now you can makes steps to leave and live a new life without him. You are very strong OP no matter what he says or makes you believe

You ran your own recruitment business? It's so hard to hire experienced recruiters these days (I know from bitter experience). If I interviewed you, and you shared a sanitised version of your motivators for getting back into the workforce it would make me more interested in hiring you. Why? I'd think you had to make it work, and would be super motivated to progress and earn a decent independent living. Is going back to recruitment a possibility? You could earn a very good living and gain your independence again .... You sound amazing, and 46 is nothing. Still plenty time to have a lot of fun xx

You poor thing. YANBU. You sound far from worthless and you might want to look up narcissistic personalities with respect to your husband.
What helped me come to a firm conclusion that I was in a bad place though no fault of my own and wanted to change:

• talk to women's aid or even better a local domestic abuse organisation. Not being hit does not equal not being abused. They helped to clarify what is and what is not normal/reasonable so much.
• ask yourself do you love him? It sounds like no to me. But if you do, what are you prepared to sacrifice for that.
• what ambitions, bucket list etc do you have? Possibly not much atm as you are being made to feel so worthless. But there will be some, and ask yourself is your 'partner' helping or hindering you in achieving these.

Of course, finances are important. But not the most important thing in life. You may need to make a long-term plan or step by step decisions. As other people have said here, you sound like you have a brilliant work ethic and will be able to support yourself. If you want to stay in the house, you can look on the challenge of paying the mortgage deficit off. If you leave the house, he can shoulder it himself.

There's a fair bit of content writing/management contract work around at the moment op. Even a six month contract would give you a more regular income and help you get out. You have a lot of skills and you are clearly sharp and articulate. I think once you get rid of your husband your anxiety will melt away and you could be in a well paying job in no time.