AIBU: husband is pissed off about me not drinking at his work function

[revolution909]

Last night there was a huge drama because I decided not have a drunk when it was an open bar.. I think the reasons why are irrelevant - I had a lot to drink the previous night, this week we're going out more than once so I was trying to "calorie count for the week- Now out of spite he's not going to drink at my birthday party teach me a lesson, and because he wants to" calorie count". Even though he has apologised I still. Feel sad about the whole ordeal. I don't think I needed to have a drink to have a nice time (which I did) but he just wouldn't believe me. BTW I'm usually the one that sometimes has a few too. Many drink and he has to look after me (this has only happened about three times but that's the joke). I don't know I just feel sad and makes me want to cancel my party :(

We've also always tried to make the other one happy above pur own wishes

he told me it was him or the medication

Those statements don't seem to go together, do they? He has put himself ahead of you including your mental health.

Point scoring and being vindictive isn't exactly showing a desire to have an equal relationship or be considerate of you, is it.

His views on MH medication are abhorrent.

Your husband sounds very controlling in lots of ways. How has he reacted to your weight loss? Do you think he is somehow threatened by it?

Honestly the whole row just seems crazy. I've always erred on the side of not drinking in work situations (either mine or DH's)because I didn't want to risk embarrassing myself somehow!

Everyone is focusing on the drink issue. This is not the problem.

The problem is him trying to control what the op does or doesn't do, and then punishing her when she doesn't do what he wants.

He is an unkind, controlling arse op. Think carefully about what YOU really want, and whether it is possible to do with him controlling, punishing and manipulating you like this. The medication thing is completely unacceptable.

He thinks I want him to lose weight (which I don't), he thinks I might look at other men (I'm not blind!). I do love him and I'm sure he does as well. But but it feels like we're walking on egg shells 75% of the time.

Walking in egg shell 75% of the time isn't great and a sure sign that something is utterly working TBH.

Seems like potentially destructive dynamic. You should be able to make such decisions as individuals, without fear of recrimination, bullying or passive aggressive retaliation.

This sound like having a nasty boss, not a dh.

That's what I told him, that unless we change, we won't have a long term future

Walking on eggshells can indicate an emotionally abusive partner.

Take a look at lundy bancroft "Mr Sensitive".

I get that he might be emotionally abusive, but I'm not innocent, yes it's all down to my hormones and what not but I do have anger issues, clearly that doesn't help? Also I think if sorted out his own anxiety we would be in a much better place

You may both trigger negativity towards each other and therefore be jointly responsible. However you cannot make the changes for him , just as he can make you change to suit him.

OP please just read the two links I posted. Please.

Anxiety is not the reason for his behaviour. Plenty of people with anxiety are not controlling or abusive.

Hi Emma, I've read both and I can definitely identify some abusive behavior. I just cNt nail it down which personality type. The more I think about it has to be. He once almost made a scene in front of our friends because I was showing off my bra (it was a cute bralette so no. Boobs were being flashed). Or he constantly tells that what I day makes no sense (grammatically speaking). He's backed off about the clothes issue (I just told him that sometimes showing my bra was inevitable and not the end of the world). He thinks he's being supportive by being there but not actually taking the extra step. And he would. Constantly make. Mention of why it was a bad idea.

I guess most people won't neatly fit one of the profiles or "types" but the important thing is to recognise the behaviour as abuse.

Do you have supportive family or friends? Have you talked about any of your relationship problems with them?

How about you go back to the GP, get the medication, take the medication, tell no one, wait and see if it really is PMDD that's making you irate once a month or if it is living with a cunt?

I would have anger issues if I lived with someone as controlling as him, op!

@Emma nope not rewarding, family lives abroad, best friend is close to both of us so discussing my marriage mishaps is always kind of awkward. @rabbit I genuinely don't think I need the medication any more. Yes I do get bad days but not as bad as I used to (it really depends on the month but overall I think it's livable)

And it was "nope, not really"

You've fallen into a classic trap I get that he might be emotionally abusive, but I'm not innocent

You have to be absolutely perfect in every way at all times for it to be OK to stop him from being abusive to you. Otherwise you don't have a leg to stand on do you? You say "Don't abuse me" and he says "Remember that time you weren't perfect?" and you remember and it's true and so obviously that means he is allowed to be abusive. No. No. No.

Do you see how disordered your thinking sounds? It's as if he has to approve of even your thoughts, never mind actions, for them to be acceptable in your own mind.

How are you at letting him be pissed off while doing absolutely nothing about it whatsoever?

Why not wear a bra showing outfit on your birthday?

So much emphasis on the consumption of alcohol.

If he chooses not to drink, that's fine.

At least it's easy to tell who's RTFT (or just the OP's posts) and who's only read the first post

@rabbit I'm wearing the most revealing dress I could find that doesn't look extremely trashy. I can see now that the whole "tit for tat" is just a way of being abusive. He came home last night and apologised, but he's always apologizing and I see those apologies as empty until he changes the way he treats me.

Read again what runrabbit said.

Its not about whatever you are wearing or abut his/your drinking.
Its about the fact that yu do not have to accept he is behaving loike a twat just because you are perfect all the time. Its about the fact its ok to say 'NO MORE' even if sometimes you are getting wrong/making mistakes.

Apologising and never changing is a trick often used by abusers so they can placate you, in some ways force you to acept their apologies (because who are you not accept apologies from someone??) and then carry on as normal.

You are right apologies wo changing is not acceptable (I feel like Im talking to my 13yo there - similar conversations with him atm...)
And it is not right that you are walking on eggshell 75% of the time.
He is refusing to change. He is making the relationship a nightmare.
Why do you think that you should be happy with all that just because you also happen to have an illness that makes yu a bit harder work for a week every month>???