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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU: husband is pissed off about me not drinking at his work function

125 replies

revolution909 · 19/06/2017 08:35

Last night there was a huge drama because I decided not have a drunk when it was an open bar.. I think the reasons why are irrelevant - I had a lot to drink the previous night, this week we're going out more than once so I was trying to "calorie count for the week- Now out of spite he's not going to drink at my birthday party teach me a lesson, and because he wants to" calorie count". Even though he has apologised I still. Feel sad about the whole ordeal. I don't think I needed to have a drink to have a nice time (which I did) but he just wouldn't believe me. BTW I'm usually the one that sometimes has a few too. Many drink and he has to look after me (this has only happened about three times but that's the joke). I don't know I just feel sad and makes me want to cancel my party :(

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/06/2017 08:54

Why do you believe that drink makes it possible for you to 'let your hair down'? This will be your birthday event and it really should be fun for you regardless of alcohol drunk or not drunk.

There's something very wrong there with both of your perceptions about alcohol and you both seem to be using it as a stick to beat the other. I also think that you're co-dependent on each other to justify your drinking. Sad really as you're adults. Either of you might not want to drink one night for whatever reason and you should be free to make that decision.

It's a myth that alcohol makes people sparkling and witty and fun... if they're not that way without it, they're not like that with it.

Megbert · 19/06/2017 08:55

Do you think he's going to be a mardy arse and make a big song and dance about it at the party?

If so YANBU.

Regardless of anything you are not a child who needs to be taught lessons. If DH spoke to me like that he would be told to fuck off.

Fishface77 · 19/06/2017 08:56

How old are you op?
I think you both need to look at your drinking.
I also think he sounds like a controlling vindictive arse unless this is a one of.

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 08:57

@candlefairy I think maybe that was his point? No it was not being hungover, it honestly came from not wanting those calories last night (I've lost close to 4st and I plan to keep it that way). He said his friends were “not worth my calories " - when I'm. Going out with them twice this week-

OP posts:
AguacateMaduro · 19/06/2017 08:58

It's like code for 'well, this is not an evening that I'm going to enjoy, I'll suffer it, sober''.

ems137 · 19/06/2017 08:59

My DH and I often don't both get drunk if we're at a party or night out, one of us naturally takes it easier so that we can take care of the kids etc.

I don't really like drinking anyway and DH has never got arsey with me for not drinking. I think it's really weird how your OH feels the need to seek revenge for you not drinking!

AguacateMaduro · 19/06/2017 08:59

Well done on the weight loss!

He needs to get used to the new you who doesn't drink as much.

I don't know if bar staff in England do this but I have no problem getting bar staff to refill a bottle of beer with diet coke from the tap.

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:01

I'm in my mid 30s. I do think I can have fun without alcohol (in fact I do!) and I do tend to drink at all unless it's a social event. Then I might have anything from one beer to 6

OP posts:
diddl · 19/06/2017 09:01

It was a strange thing for him to say.

Will it affect your birthday at all & your enjoyment of it-if not then it was an empty threat.

Personally I couldn't give a fuck what anyone else does or doesn't drink-I do what I want.

Huskylover1 · 19/06/2017 09:03

Sorry, but I agree with your husband. It's a totally different dynamic on a night out, if someone isn't drinking. It was a free bar. You drank the night before with your friends, but chose to be boring on his night out. And the booze was free! I'd be a bit miffed. It's like you're saying you want a laugh with your mates, but not with him.

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:04

Well I don't think I want to be "taught a lesson" on my birthday. @aguacate yes I was drinking diet coke from a glass so people really didn't have a clue I was not drinking. He made a comment about it a few times throughout the evening though

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 19/06/2017 09:05

What is this competitive drinking thing between the two of you? How would your husband even know if you were/weren't drinking or how much? Is he watching what you order at parties?

How is him not drinking at your party going to teach you a lesson? Do your behaviours change so much when you drink alcohol, can he/you only be seen to have fun when you are drunk?

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:05

@huskylover yes that's basically what he said!! Almost verbatim

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 19/06/2017 09:06

V weird to think one is not fun if not drinking.

unfortunateevents · 19/06/2017 09:07

You drank the night before with your friends, but chose to be boring on his night out - so people are only fun when they're drinking alcohol?!

And the booze was free! I'd be a bit miffed. It's like you're saying you want a laugh with your mates, but not with him - so what if it's free? Does this mean you have to go overboard? Is the OP only a laugh when she's drinking?

GherkinSnatch · 19/06/2017 09:08

This is such a weird thread. If one of you not drinking bothers the other this much, I'd suggest that person has an issue with alcohol.

The "teaching you a lesson" thing is bad, and YANBU about that aspect. But the drinking thing - you both need to assess your attitudes towards it.

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:08

@unfortunatevents that's what he said this morning but I disagree. I'm perfectly happy without a drink.

OP posts:
EllieMentry · 19/06/2017 09:09

Why is it boring not to drink? I don't understand. Are people only fun if they drink alcohol? Well done on the weight loss, btw.

YoureNotASausage · 19/06/2017 09:09

It sounds like there are a few people on her, including OP and her DH, who have a very unhealthy attitude to boundaries and other people's autonomy.

AguacateMaduro · 19/06/2017 09:11

yes, whether or not one can have a blast sober or whether or not it's nuts to ignore a free bar, it's his phraseology there, very worrying, choosing to and feeling entitled to teach you a lesson and as you say, on your birthday. Don't know what to advise but that's all so fucked up and hurtful.

I know my own x was very unsupportive with my staying slim. He wanted me to be slim but he wanted me to eating burgers in baps off a bbq and then eat nothing all day, just so i could sit down and eat food with him that he enjoyed, like a creamy takeaway. I think in his case it was part of his mild autism though. He literally couldn't fathom that I was hungry if he was full,or if I was tired when he was fully of energy. My attempts to eat a pescatarian diet as much as possible were offensive to him. If I was tired then I was lazy. If he was tired he was tired and i was being too active.

Bluntness100 · 19/06/2017 09:15

Something very wrong here, I'm sorry. The mere fact he knows not drinking will teach uou a lesson and clearly it will as it bothers you so much and you not drinking pissed him off shows you've both got a totally and utterly fucked up attitude to booze. It's like uou aren't having a good time unless both of you are drinking.

Change that dynamic now. Just tell him fine if he doesn't want to drink and leave it there, don't comment further and you drink.

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:16

@aguacate there's some of that too. Honestly it came down to stupid calories I had no idea how many calories are in a bottle of beer... I drank at least 1500 calories the previous night :/

OP posts:
Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:19

I don't actually care if drinks or not it's fine that way! Yes he can be very judgemental the next morning (telling me I was worse than I really was, but that's just his personality ) but it's the whole 'I wont so we're even' that makes me really sad.

OP posts:
YoureNotASausage · 19/06/2017 09:20

Just imagine couples were forcing each other to eat the way like they are forcing each other to drink in this post.....

Pretty disgusting and abusive....Eat that plate of food or I'll x.

DudeHatesHisCarryOut · 19/06/2017 09:22

I can sort of sympathise with your husband as my DP has been doing something similar recently. He's perfectly happy to go out with his friends and have a few drinks, but won't with me. He says it's because of the drinking laws, but he'll drive after drinking with his pals (not to excess, but more than the new laws in Scotland allow).

Now, I don't want him to lose his licence, but it annoys me that he'll still drink with them, for two reasons. If he's out with me and not drinking there's a feeling that he can't wait to get home to have a drink, so I can't relax so much and take my time because he's missing out. At the same time, him coming back from his pals having had a few means that from the moment he comes in he's at the annoying stage at best, godawful selfish stage at worst (but then he won't have driven home). So I miss out on the conversational slightly-tipsy stage.

I'm aware my thoughts about this are strange, but it does annoy me.