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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU: husband is pissed off about me not drinking at his work function

125 replies

revolution909 · 19/06/2017 08:35

Last night there was a huge drama because I decided not have a drunk when it was an open bar.. I think the reasons why are irrelevant - I had a lot to drink the previous night, this week we're going out more than once so I was trying to "calorie count for the week- Now out of spite he's not going to drink at my birthday party teach me a lesson, and because he wants to" calorie count". Even though he has apologised I still. Feel sad about the whole ordeal. I don't think I needed to have a drink to have a nice time (which I did) but he just wouldn't believe me. BTW I'm usually the one that sometimes has a few too. Many drink and he has to look after me (this has only happened about three times but that's the joke). I don't know I just feel sad and makes me want to cancel my party :(

OP posts:
CrowyMcCrowFace · 19/06/2017 10:22

During = dp

NameChange30 · 19/06/2017 10:23

There are quite a few red flags in your partner's behaviour.
If you read these signs of emotional abuse, does he do (m)any things on the list?

It's very worrying that he has a problem with you looking after your health by losing weight and doing exercise Confused

CivQueen · 19/06/2017 10:27

I know a couple who are really bothered by this.

They are both massive over drinkers, verging on alcoholic if anything.

They need the other one to be 'joining in' so they feel better about their over consumption.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid if Dh didn't have a drink when I did. Only someone with issues, and who thinks you need a drink to have fun would have a problem.

CardinalCat · 19/06/2017 10:28

Is he usually this controlling and petty?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/06/2017 10:34

Have you spent all day thinking about him and how to make him not spoil your party on purpose? Instead of thinking about your party and your mates and how great it's going to be?

Sod him. You plan the best night ever. Think about something fun, don't let the fun-sucker win. Move your mind onto something else if you can.

ChicRock · 19/06/2017 11:25

You are each other's enablers.

Isetan · 19/06/2017 11:34

What a strange relationship dynamic you have, where not drinking is used as a passive and a not so passive aggressive act. I have heard about this ludicrous phenomenon, where not drinking alcohol makes some people feel awkward and In this regard it seems like you are well matched if this tit for tat childishness that you both engage in Confused.

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 12:03

In our relationship there's always been ridiculous amount of "point scoring" I know it's not healthy and I think it comes from different places (I always try to make a comparison and I think most of the time he's trying to be vindictive). I'm tired of this. I know it's not going to take us anywhere in the long run. I know I'm not an easy person to live with. I get that, but nor is he. We've also always tried to make the other one happy above pur own wishes and although in principle it sounds great I think it's unfulfilling and just makes us pettier. I'm really tired of this cycle and if you add all of his self image anxiety and in general just how little he thinks of himself its frankly quite tiring.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 19/06/2017 12:23

It sounds exhausting and very unhealthy indeed. I think you both need counselling, separately! Then you could consider couple's counselling if you both want to stay in the relationship and try to improve it... but couple's counselling is not recommended if there is any abuse.

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 12:28

He's against any sort of counseling :( and also against any type of mental health medicines (which is what I think he needs). My GP once prescribed some to me and he told me it was him or the medication. I took up running so that's been my lifeline but as you've read it came with its own problems

OP posts:
Sarcomere · 19/06/2017 13:05

He's against any sort of counseling and also against any type of mental health medicines (which is what I think he needs). My GP once prescribed some to me and he told me it was him or the medication

Seriously? This is like saying "it's the cancer drugs or me."

Take the meds, ditch the arse. Actually, you might not need the meds if you just ditch the arse... You could lose another ~200lb really quickly (which would do wonders for your running times!).

AVY1 · 19/06/2017 13:14

But he isn't teaching you a lesson. He's just choosing not to drink. Just like you did. I'd let it go and get on with things. What either of you do or don't eat/drink outside of alcohol surely isn't an issue or source of discussion for the other? As long as neither of you DO have a dependency on alcohol I'd say just crack on and enjoy your party!

NameChange30 · 19/06/2017 13:14

Just read your last update.

LTB. I'm not joking.

And get counselling or do the Freedom Programme - you need to work out why you've been putting up with this shit and put healthier boundaries in place to reduce the risk of it happening again.

NameChange30 · 19/06/2017 13:17

How dare he dictate whether you take medication prescribed by your doctor Angry

I already suspected he was abusive and that just confirms it for me.

Read the abuser profiles, I expect quite a lot will sound familiar.

MikeUniformMike · 19/06/2017 13:22

He sounds like a tosser. FWIW I never drink at work events that have a free bar. I don't want to be the drunkest person at a party.

Looneytune253 · 19/06/2017 13:32

So what?!? Tell him it will be a lovely idea for him not to drink for your birthday party. Don't see what the big deal is. Tell him you appreciate the effort. It will be nice to have a lift etc etc

C0RAL · 19/06/2017 13:38

So he

Objects to you drinking
Objects to you not drinking
Objects to you calorie counting
Objects to you losing ( a lot of ) weight
Objects to you joining a running club
Objects to you entering races

Cam you explain to me again why he's such a great guy and you want to stay with him ?

C0RAL · 19/06/2017 13:40

Oh I forgot one of the worst - he forbids you to use medication prescribed by your doctor

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 13:47

He puts up with me, I Have PMDD which is very hard to live with. And we just get along for the most part. He's sweet and indulges me in some. Of my quirkiness but he has massive anxiety /stress issues and I think he takes them. Out on me

OP posts:
Eolian · 19/06/2017 13:50

This is ridiculous. If you genuinely don't care if he drinks at your party or not, then the only sensible response from you when he said he'd teach you a lesson (apart from to LTB!) would be "Huh? Why would I mind if you didn't drink at my party? Feel free not to drink if you don't want to!" He sounds like a childish, controlling arse.

Cricrichan · 19/06/2017 13:58

He's being an idiot. Whether you drink or not has no effect on him whatsoever. Tell him that he can drive on your birthday then and let him get on with it.

NameChange30 · 19/06/2017 13:58

So you have PMDD, so what? I imagine it's a lot easier to manage if you actually take your bloody medication!

Don't let him use your illness as a stick to beat you with. None of us are perfect. And it's not ok for him to "punish" you for your illness or take his issues out on you.

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 14:59

That's exactly how I feel Emma I feel like he can behave whichever way he wants because he puts up with me. And yes I might shout but I rarely say mean things. Something he sometimes does.

OP posts:
PinkPeppers · 19/06/2017 15:07

Oh fgs, he doesn't put up with you.
You have a diagnosed illness that is affecting you for a bout a week every month. That's not the most awful thing to ask a partner to do.
And is certainly not a reason to behave in the way he did, nor is it a reason good enough to show that he is mister nice and a fantastic partner.
DONT ket him use that stick to beat you up with!!

Tbh I would want to ask how much does he bring into your life compare to how much he is a hindrance to yoU enjoying your life.

PinkPeppers · 19/06/2017 15:11

We've also always tried to make the other one happy above pur own wishes

Are you are it's a 'WE' and not an 'I'?
Because so far, I'm struggling to see where he has tried to make you happy above his own wishes. See
Him not wanting you to loose weight/to go running(even though it's your way to deal with a health condition that would require ADs oetherwiae, medication he does t what you to take)/ enter races/drink or not drink.
In all of that, were is the putting you above himself exactely?

I suspect you are getting tired of it and it feel unfulfilling because you out him before yourself but he doesn't...