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Original poster

AIBU: husband is pissed off about me not drinking at his work function

125 replies

revolution909 · 19/06/2017 08:35

Last night there was a huge drama because I decided not have a drunk when it was an open bar.. I think the reasons why are irrelevant - I had a lot to drink the previous night, this week we're going out more than once so I was trying to "calorie count for the week- Now out of spite he's not going to drink at my birthday party teach me a lesson, and because he wants to" calorie count". Even though he has apologised I still. Feel sad about the whole ordeal. I don't think I needed to have a drink to have a nice time (which I did) but he just wouldn't believe me. BTW I'm usually the one that sometimes has a few too. Many drink and he has to look after me (this has only happened about three times but that's the joke). I don't know I just feel sad and makes me want to cancel my party :(

OP posts:
sadie9 · 19/06/2017 09:23

If I was the DH I would be annoyed if we had planned to go to my work do, with the free bar, but my other half went out the night before and got completely plastered. So much so they were too hungover to look at a drink the second night.
If you had too much to drink the night before, you probably had a ferocious amount of calories anyhow. Would another 2 vodkas and diet cokes really have tipped things over the edge?
I think you were making a point to your DH. It sounds unusual for you not to be drinking at a social event, and it is unusual for you isn't it? Otherwise your DH would be very used to it and not care if you drank or not. So I can see how he would feel snubbed that you didn't think his work do was 'worth your while' having a drink at.
If both of you are drinkers, then when one doesn't drink, and it's not due to driving the car, then yes if I was your DH I'd be a bit annoyed. If it not drinking wasn't something you regularly do, he'd be worried you was very bored at the work do and wanted to go home early etc.

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:26

FYI I'm not forcing him to drink, I guess that was the only way I could guarantee he was not going to be an asshole that night (because things would be in theory back to normal) I actually said he shouldn't come at all of he was going to act that way (to teach me a lesson) the drinking just seems contextual but it could be anything. I just thought I was making a "healthy" choice by not drinking. Never thought we would have a major argument over it :(

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 19/06/2017 09:29

You both sound quite young to be honest - thinking someone is boring without alcohol is a bit bizarre. What about if and when one of you is the designated driver? Would the other one get the hump?

I think your DH needs to have a rethink about his attitude to drink. If he's this arsey because you didn't join him in getting pissed, maybe he has an unhealthy attitude about alcohol.

Tbh I'd tell him you really don't have an issue whether he drinks at your birthday or not and to do what he likes.

HeddaGarbled · 19/06/2017 09:30

I think you need to put aside the subject of this argument, which has been thoroughly addressed by everyone above and think about the way you two handle disagreements.

If he's unhappy with you, he threatens you with a petty revenge.

If you're unhappy with him, you threaten some grand martyrish gesture which will cause you more pain than anyone else.

This is the behaviour of toddlers not grown adults.

Address your own behaviour first. The sensible response to "I won't drink at your birthday party" is a calm "OK". If you start acting like an adult, you may re-set the dynamic in the way you two communicate. If he can't or won't grow up aswell, that's the time to rethink whether you can be doing with all this nonsense.

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:32

I was not hungover at all. I have a big race in a couple of weeks and I know my training will certainly be messed up this week, so I'm trying to compensate as much as I can. He was with me the previous night, he had fun too! And yes I was bored at times but only because they only talk about work... Anybody would

OP posts:
TheHobbitMum · 19/06/2017 09:33

Wow, that's ridiculous and childish! Is he always this ridiculous?

Megbert · 19/06/2017 09:33

Is he going to tell people why he's not drinking? If he's usually a drinker they are bound to ask.

'She didn't drink on my night out so I'm teaching her a lesson by not drinking on hers. Hrmph!'

He'll be a laughing stock and I would be letting him know that.

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:35

@hedda you hit the jack pot! I'm personally tired of it. And frankly I only said I would cancel as I honestly didn't want him around "teaching me a lesson“ and him not being around would make the matters worse. But you're right that should have been my response

OP posts:
Nousernameforme · 19/06/2017 09:35

meh, just shrug and say fine you can be the designated driver for the evening save us getting a taxi.
I couldn't get worked up about it tbh

IGotTheMustardOut · 19/06/2017 09:36

I am finding this really bizarre. No wonder there is such a big alcohol problem in this country.
I can't imagine getting upset at anyone in any situation for not wanting to drink alcohol, free bar or not.
I have been on work dos and not drank while everyone else did, I did not need to be drunk to have fun or be on the same level. People who think being sober is boring and that people can't fully join in or appreciate an event sober should probably access their relationship with alcohol.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/06/2017 09:39

Ah, so it isn't about the drink, it's about him being an asshole on a regular basis and being desperate to get him back to normal

You have deep anxiety because you know he's planning to spoil your birthday party. He has made up a stupid "reason" to be an asshole on a day that is all about you. A really stupid reason: you quietly sticking to soft drinks at his work function.

Does he frequently find "reasons" to piss on your chips?

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:39

The taxi was the big second part of the argument, I said weather is lovely, let's walk! He didn't want to at all (on the way back in particular) but he wasn't honest about it at all... He just kept replying "I'm fine either way" after 8 years together I can't read him that well :(

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 19/06/2017 09:42

Eh?

Loopytiles · 19/06/2017 09:42

What was the argument about the taxi?

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:43

@runrabbit sometimes? We had a fight over me wanting to run races and another one about wanting to join a running club. My weight-loss has had both positive and negative effects o our relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:43

@loopy he didn't want to walk, I forced him to

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 19/06/2017 09:48

So he got arsey (or passive aggressive) because you suggested walking there and back?

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 09:49

Yes exactly! And because according to him I only wanted to get my steps on my fitbit, which again not true!! It was lovely walk he just couldn't be arsed

OP posts:
PinkPeppers · 19/06/2017 09:51

Unfortunately, I have met plenty of people who do think that you can't have fun if you don't drink, that you are boring if you don't drink.

I remember a colleague of mine getting shit faced at a work do and her first comment the following Monday was 'oh I can't remember what i did after xxx. I must have had a fantastic time' Confused

I think it's something the OP will struggle to fight, esp as most of their evenings out (his or hers) involve alcohol in one way or the other.

The 'teaching you a lesson' is absolutely not on, whatever the situation or the issue.
I would ignore him completely during your b'day. And if he complains to be bored, to tell him to get stuffed.

But maybe this is also the sign that this is time for you to start going and having fun wo any alcohol. Regardless of whether you are counting calories or not.

PaintingOwls · 19/06/2017 10:04

You drank the night before with your friends, but chose to be boring on his night out.

Actually Huskylover1 it's people like you who are boring, thinking you have to drink alcohol in order to have a good time.

OP your updates are quite worrisome, your DP sounds unhinged and like he's picking fights.

I suppose you could address this head on and ask why he is trying to control you, but I suspect that he is feeling on edge as you're getting slimmer and he might be thinking you have options... As in, to leave him.

Just really bizarre behaviour, spiteful, petty and childish to be plotting ways to ruin your birthday.

Why are you with him?

Floggingmolly · 19/06/2017 10:04

What does it matter to either of you whether the other one drinks or not? I can't believe people get upset because their partner has drunk with their friends last night, so don't want to have a drink with them tonight Confused
Is there some strange sort of infidelity involved in selecting the wrong drinking partner??

Original poster
revolution909 · 19/06/2017 10:10

@painting yes he has mentioned this more than once and no matter how much I try to reassure him it still comes up. I love him he's usually a great guy, he's my match in more ways than one. He also keeps reminding that I'm not a nice person 100% if the time. Apparently I get easily annoyed and shot that I just wonder why would HE want to spend the rest of his life with someone like me? (if I'm really that awful which I'm. Sure I'm. Not)

OP posts:
ShelaghTurner · 19/06/2017 10:19

I suspect this drinking/non drinking thing comes from the same place that 'I'll have a cake if you have a cake' comes from. You feel less guilty/less of a piggy/less drink obsessed if the other person is your partner in crime. Which is bloody silly. Take responsibility for your own choices and leave everyone to theirs.

ShelaghTurner · 19/06/2017 10:20

Although in the OP's case it seems to come from steaming resentment that she's got a life and hobbies of her own but anyway...

CrowyMcCrowFace · 19/06/2017 10:21

I have a mate who does competitive drinking AND running with her during. They're constantly having this tedious sort of bicker. He's an arsehole & over the course of their relationship, she's become increasingly insecure & unreasonable.

Assuming you aren't my IRL friend (if you are I reckon you'll know from my username), the best way to react to this is 'fair enough, I think it's great that we both get into the habit of having a dry night occasionally. Wouldn't it be sad & weird if we were having to ask each other's permission or arrange to both be off or on the sauce?'

Although I predict that if he doesn't get his fun of making you uncomfortable by stomping about like one of the Puritans in Blackadder, within an hour he'll be necking it back to catch up...which may not be a good thing if his tendency is to be controlling PITA who likes to dictate exactly how you are allowed to 'let your hair down'.

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