when you know you should leave but aren't ready?

[soundoff]

What do you do? When will you be ready? Will you ever be ready?

This will end up being a huge drip feed because if i put everything into the op it would be pages long but basically i have been in a relationship over 5 years with someone who doesn't really treat me right.

Things keep happening that are pushing me further and further away from him but i still can't find the point where i say that's it. It's enough. i'm leaving.

There's no financial ties, no living dc, no mortgages, no shared debts. But something stops me. Has anyone been here?

I was like you. With someone five and a half years who treated me appallingly. No compelling reason to stay; no mortgage, no children. It was a relatively minor incident that finished us. We were burgled, and I lost a lot of things that were important to me. He was completely unsupportive, and a few days later got a big tax rebate. He refused to share any of it; he wanted to spend it all on himself. It wasn’t the worst thing he’d done, by a long shot, it was just the last. I thought ‘Right, that’s it.’ Realised he would never be anything approaching a partner. He would always treat like a flatmate he didn’t especially like. I have no idea why I stayed so long, and I really regret it. I think part of it was that I allowed him to hoodwink me into believing breaking up had to be a bilateral decision, like having children or buying a house. I’d suggest it, and he’d say no. Looking back, it’s completely ridiculous – if one person wants to leave, of course it’s over – but at the time, my confidence was so shot, I allowed him to make decisions for me. Perhaps this has happened to you? Does he make all the decisions in the relationship now? Has he got you to doubt yourself and your ability to run your own life? I imagine one day, you’ll find yourself in the position I was. Something will happen and you’ll just think ‘that’s it.’ Everyone has a pain threshold, and you sound like you’re going to hit yours quite soon.

I know this place well.

I think you have to get to the point where the future you see without them is better than the one you see with them.
When you really reach that "I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than spend another minute dealing with your crap", it'll be a no-brainer.

Hi OP, different situation here but similar feeling. It makes zero sense. I can only hope one day (soon) I will come back to my senses and dump the loser. Rationally I know everything I need to know, but it is like being under a bloody spell

thanks for the responses. That's interesting that amongst everything it was something more trivial that made you go?

i don't think i'm at the point right now where single seems like the better option. It definitely seems doable though.

i'm definitely under control, it has been like that since the beginning and he has already done lots of questionable things and i still haven't chucked the towel in.

I'm a bit of a glass half full person so for all the wrongs he does i tend to justify them with the rights.

When i think about how he is i know they're won't be a happy ending but even that isn't enough to make me go. I would be the first person blaming me for being stupid if this was someone else.

I think you have to get to the point where the future you see without them is better than the one you see with them.

This. All day. Once you're at that point, it becomes easy. I left my boyfriend three times. Twice, I went back. The burglary was the third time, and that time, it stuck. I was ready. When I left, he tried all his old tricks to lure me back, but this time, they didn't work. I had reached the point where a future with him looked scarier than a future without.

You say you're under control. Do you know about the dynamics of abuse? If not, get educated. I didn't know. I didn't know my boyfriend was emotionally abusive until after I left. A lot of women on here are in the same position. They really should teach it in schools. Once you understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship, it loses a lot of its power. Read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That, if you haven't already. That book changed my life. And the lives of a lot of women on here. I am two years out of it now, and in a really good relationship - I don't think I would be, without that book. My ex emailed a few weeks ago and I just wiped it off. Wasn't even tempted to reply. It is a great feeling, to be completely free.

thanks bonjour.

i am aware, i've had counselling where i was repeatedly told i am in an abusive relationship and should leave but even that is not enough.

They talked about self-confidence and stuff but i feel like mine is ok. I even know i can do better iyswim?

I maybe should get the book.

i started a huge essay there and then deleted it for fear of the dm getting a hold of it and it outing me.

Basics are i once told him a friend had had their hands on me. We were all there. I lied, it was in response to dp saying friend had nade a degoratory comment about my looks which i knew werent true. I apologised straight away and admitted i lied. For years now this has been turned into me saying i cheated on him and he wants me to do a lie detector to prove otherwise. It's awful.

However, more recently he told me he met a friends do for the first time went behind her in a bar and slapped her bum. And that's perfectly normal and acceptable.

You can PM me, if you're worried about outing yourself

sometimes, it can help to just get everything written down, just so you can read it all back and know you're not imagining it. When I first started to piece together that my ex had abused me (a whole year after leaving) I kept a word document of all the worst things he'd done. Even sorted it under different headings 'Financial', 'Verbal', 'Physical' (geeky as it sounds). But it really helped me wrap my mind around the truth that I'd been in abusive relationship. Some days now, when I'm doubting myself, I go back and look it again. Seeing it in black and white concentrates the mind. Get the book. If you're short of money, PM me and I will send you mine. Counselling can be helpful, but understanding the whole abusive mindset (and how it is basically a micro expression of the macro inequality between men and women) is more helpful, in my opinion. That book saved me YEARS of therapy. I'm sure of it. Is there a Freedom Programme near you? It's run by Women's Aid. I haven't been, but people on here say good things about it

And also, with regards to the example you gave there; no it's not normal behaviour. OK, you shouldn't have lied to him, but why is he telling you mean things that people have said about you, anyway? They're not the actions of a kind person or a supportive partner. Ditto the incident in the bar.

Fortunately he is not financially controlling and i have my own money but thank you for the offer.

I am going to pop it in my amazon basket now.

Today i am feeling like this because a couple of months ago i discovered he had been txting a young work colleague. It was mostly work related stuff but txting for the sake of it in my opinion. It shook me. I had just been through a 2nd trimester mc with no support from him and seeing him being kind and nice and fun with someone else hurt. I was going to leave then but he pulled out all the stops and i stayed.

Yesterday a situation arose where i needed to use his phone, he watched me and the minute i was done and pressed back became irate. it was obvious something is on there.

he confessed someone else from work has been txting, again about work. But not like before. before when apparently he had done no wrong.

I dont know what these txts are i havent seen them. i dont even want to tbh. Chance is are - theres not really anything in it but why take that risk. why not just casually mention in passong someone at work had to txt him beacuse of x y z.

and the reason it probably bothers me the most-i was very good friends eith a work colleague prior to dp and over the course of our relationship no longer have contact with him due to dps 'opinions' on the friendship.

'No living dc' - have you lost a child? Is he the last connection to that child and might that be the reason you can't break free?

oh and thanks. It feels good to have my feelings validated.

I know i shouldnt have said what i did. I apologised the minute it happened but once it's said it can't be unsaid i guess however i didnt think it would be a weekly argunent years down the line.

yes, we had a stillbirth.

To complicate things further the baby shares a grave at dps family grave.

We have had two mc's as well.

I'm so sorry. I had a mc at 3 months that I can't get over. I can't imagine losing a baby and all you must have gone through. Do you think saying goodbye to your oh might be too hard because of your dc?

i do think that plays a huge part. Its only a couple of years on and all very raw and i still spend a lot of time at the cemetery.

It doesnt have to i know but i kind of feel like going through something so out of the ordinary and devastating together kind of bounds you together a bit.

We waited a long time to try again, everything looked well, three good scans then mmc at 14+2. I was so wrapped up in how shit that was i've not even processed the baby part really. This one was only a few months agom

sorry for your loss btw. i never thought id get over my first mc i know how painful they are.

"i am aware, i've had counselling where i was repeatedly told i am in an abusive relationship and should leave but even that is not enough."

Its not enough to intellectually know, you have to suddenly know it in your heart that youre done and arent going to do this any more. Until then, you can have all the reason in the world, but still have your heart keep you there for one more day, one more day, one more day....

I think its like dieting, until you reach that "ok, im doing this!" moment, nothing will really change.

thanks storm even just knowing it will come is helpful.

Right now i can drag this fall out out knowing i still wont leave or i can suck it up for now and hope that 'heart moment' comes?

I hope you get the clarity you need to leave and give yourself the chance of starting fresh. Just remember, you are leaving him. Not your children. Good luck x

Yup. He sounds just like mine. You think ‘Oh it’s just him, being him’. Then you learn about abuse and you see that it’s not a set of individual quirks. It’s a mindset that is staggeringly consistent. It’s like they learn to be a dick from the exact same script. Abusers have different styles, but the end game is always the same.

I am so sorry about your miscarriage. These men are often unsupportive when you’re ill or vulnerable. They hate attention being diverted from them and their needs. Do you friends or family near by that you can talk to?

Re. his phone and texting. He might be cheating, he might just be flirting. Does it really make a difference? You’re not getting your needs met, so either way, you should leave him. Mine was exactly the same. I’d been back at my mum’s for two weeks looking after my dad, who was very ill at the time. I came back home, asked to borrow his phone, because I wanted to take a picture and his camera was better. He refused, and marched off to the toilet (presumably to wipe it). Turned out he’d been busy texting his ex, while I was caring for my father. And yet – like yours – he was extremely, unreasonably jealous. He demanded I drop my ex as a friend, even though we really were just friends. Then he started on my best female friend, saying she was ‘a slag’ and I acted ‘like a slag’ when I was with her. When I finally got cast iron proof he’d been cheating, and had also signed up to a dating site, he blamed me. Told me it was because I ‘made him feel shit about himself’. He’d only ever wanted me, but I’d pushed him away, apparently.

Is any of this sounding familiar yet? They will always find ways to twist things, and blame you for their behaviour. As women, we are culturally inculcated to blame ourselves for things anyway, so we listen to them. You must learn to tune him out, and tune into your inner voice instead. The one telling you that you’re not happy, that you don’t deserve this, and that you can do better.

Thanks whatser.

I know it will come. I hold on hoping for him to change but i know now that's never going to happen.

The silly thing is i actually think he is a good person, just not to / with me.

If you ever want to talk about your loss i am here. it's such a horrible thing to go through, all those hopes and dreams stolen away and usually no real reason why. If you are hoping to ttc i am sending you lots of luck!

very similar bonjour so much so it was almost refreshing.

i cant even 100% say the texts i had seen two months ago were flirty. they were pointless i know that much even if you can reference 'work'.

i just know i would never be tetchy about my phone i have no reason to be. And after the initial txt fall out as i say he could have jusy casually mentioned someone from work had txt rather than it exploding into this.

I stayed in a relationship too long. I got used to treading on eggshells. Keeping him happy was a time-consuming activity and I never quite managed it. Rows, abuse etc. Put up with it.
One day I realised that I was scared for my life. I ended it that day. It hurt like hell for a weeks. Took about 6 months to get back to accepting that it was him and not me.
Leave him now.

sorry, I wrote all of that without seeing the posts above.

I'm so sorry for your loss. you've been through such a lot in a few short years. are you familiar with the concept of trauma bonding? If not, maybe read up on it. It's basically like Stockholm syndrome. If you've experienced trauma in a relationship - which you have, over and over again - it can bind you much closer to your partner, even if said partner is unsupportive and abusive. Maybe this is why you're finding it so hard to leave

soundoff I am so sorry for your loss, you have been through a traumatic time and you are right you do feel you are bound together because of it.

My exH and I lost 3 parents between us within 7 weeks fairly early on in our relationship (both of his and my DF), I honestly believed that no one else would ever understand what we had been through so battled on even though I knew the relationship was abusive.

It probably took me 10 years from the point of knowing I should leave to finally leaving, so don't beat yourself up for not being ready.

I know this will sound hard given your recent tragic losses, but I would urge you not to have dc with this man if possible, that will make leaving so much harder.

The silly thing is i actually think he is a good person, just not to / with me - I used to say this too, "he's not a bad person just a shit husband" - but you know what, he is a bad person. He is attempting to be as controlling and abusive through the divorce process as he was when we were together. These men need to be in control of someone to make them feel better about themselves.

My heart really does go out to you, you will find the strength to leave when the time is right for you, I promise you that

I have a thread running today ("Severe doubts") and can relate to your situation so much.
I too have let it go on too long and I'm in too deep to leave yet. Maybe one day I'll get the courage .