when you know you should leave but aren't ready?

[soundoff]

What do you do? When will you be ready? Will you ever be ready?

This will end up being a huge drip feed because if i put everything into the op it would be pages long but basically i have been in a relationship over 5 years with someone who doesn't really treat me right.

Things keep happening that are pushing me further and further away from him but i still can't find the point where i say that's it. It's enough. i'm leaving.

There's no financial ties, no living dc, no mortgages, no shared debts. But something stops me. Has anyone been here?

I was the same as a pp, we were together ten years but only married for one, and I felt a general unhappiness in the relationship that I couldn't quite pinpoint for a long time. There were a series of events that happened but the actual thing that made me leave was relatively minor. Basically our roof needed fixed urgently in the same week that our car failed its MOT and the washing machine broke down. ExH came into some money that same week, hallelujah you might think, but no - that was his money and he wouldn't use it for the repairs. He bought new golf clubs instead, while I cried over the bills. I just couldn't stay after that.

Something will happen, it might not be massive but it will be enough to give you a push. I look back and have no idea why I stayed so long when we had no children to consider. I can only think it's because there wasn't a massive 'event' that caused the relationship to fail, so I felt I couldn't justify leaving.

I'm now married happily to someone else and have two children. I will never stay in an unhappy relationship again, life is too short.

Sorry I hadn't read all your responses, I'm so sorry for losses and agree that this is probably why you stay.

mistermagpie the justified thing resounds a lot.

Actually the money thing puts a different aspect on things too. Something i've only just realised today that is wrong. We could do with new stuff for the house, furniture and a carpet. We have really needed some stuff for a while and are making do with what we have. We never have enough money for them but always have enought to drink. I just thought that was him being selfish but maybe there's more to it than that?

I started a silly protest about it, not cleaning something. Embarassingly this went on over 2 months. Last week something happened which made me realise my efforts were fruitless. I cleaned it, i could have broke my heart crying cleaning it. Something so stupid yet so meaningful.

Maybe this thread can be a support for us in this boat until that 'thing' comes.

I've heard of stockholm syndrome, never crossed my mind even tho i am acutely aware that i feel and sometimes say no1 will understand other than dp.

thank you again everyone.

Something I didn’t get for a really long time is that you don’t need a reason to leave. You are not going before a tribunal. You do not have to present exhibits A, B and C to a high court judge, in order to prove you’re right. You are unhappy with him. This is enough of a reason. Do you think for a minute a man this selfish would stick around, when he was miserable, because he felt some sense of obligation towards you? He wouldn't. And you shouldn't either.

i think at the minute i still love him and see leaving him as hurting him and i dont want to do that. does that make sense?

at times i cant imagine being that comfortable or closer or more in love with anyone else. wtf is wrong with me?

I would encourage you to look twice at feelings like "leaving him would hurt him", because for me these are an easy default smokescreen that I can hide behind so that I'm not looking at what I want and what will be best for me.

When you make all your decisions for the future based on what you think someone else wants, you're not looking at what you want.

i know. i realise that is something im guilty of constantly in life not even just in this relationship.

i tend to put other people first the majority of the time.

So do I! And its not always bad, we both have generous natures.

BUT.

People will let you give them your whole life if youre not careful, and most of them wont even appreciate or notice that its happened. I think if we could see how things looked from their eyes, we would be horrified at how much we've given totally unnecessarily.

Dont forget to give to yourself as well.

thats a good point storm maybe it's time to start taking some me back. that would be a good starting point. small steps.

You might find, once you start thinking about this relationship more critically, that it helps you get a handle on your other relationships. Once I’d understood what had happened with my ex, it helped me be more assertive in general. I started standing up to friends who were a bit controlling, and saying no more. I was a better daughter to my mum. I found I had fewer arguments with my family because I would assert myself early on, rather than letting things brew and then blowing up later. Honestly, if you get this sorted, I reckon you could find all areas of your life improve, without you even trying.

at times i cant imagine being that comfortable or closer or more in love with anyone else. wtf is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing. For some reason, these men are unusually good at communicating closeness and intensity (when they feel like it). But just because he unleashes strong feelings in you, it doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together. It just means that something about him, and your relationship, has made your attachment system light up like the Eastern Seaboard. Possibly because of trauma bonding. Possibly because he’s made a study of you, and he knows how to manipulate your feelings. The nice times you have together are not separate to his abuse. They are integral to its design. They are there to keep you hooked. If a person were mean and nasty all the time, you would go, wouldn’t you? But because there are still these intermittent periods of comfort and closeness, you stay. This is how abuse works. None of it is your fault.

I never thought of it like that. It's funny because i can look at it objectively and think what am i getting from this and what am i putting into it and it feels like i can see it so clearly but that lightbulb just isnt switching on yet.

I can kind of make peace with that if i know it's going to come.

I know to a lot of people the txt thing will be a none issue BUT the feelings it has given me feels like a wave coming over me. The anger feels all consuming but in a good way like at least i am really feeling something.

Get in touch with your anger. Hold on to it. You anger will help you achieve escape velocity.

And actually, I don't think most people would see the text thing as a non issue. It shows a disregard for your feelings, if you have argued about it in the past. HE clearly knows he's doing something wrong, because he's tetchy about giving you his phone. If he thought he was in the clear, he would be relaxed about you borrowing it.

Don't beat yourself up because you don't feel able to end the relationship today. This is a process, one you started this morning when you posted that first question. It may take days, or weeks, or months. But you'll get there in the end.

my legs were shaking when i got the reaction yesterday i was that mad.

for me the txting per say isnt the issue but as you say the fact it was a problem before and he has chosen to hide it is.

thank you. this is a great support

The texting is a symptom of the central problem: he doesn't care about your feelings. As discussed earlier: often, it's not the worst thing, it's just the last thing.

I think you should keep posting here, if you want to. It's a good place just to get your thoughts in order. In a relationship like yours, you often feel desperate for validation, because the one person who ought to be giving it to you withholds it. But you're not mad. You're not imagining things. You've been through a lot, and your grievances are completely reasonable. And people on here will tell you so, when you need to hear it.

that is a great idea and i do often need to hear it. i know i haven't touched on this much but he is a big weekend drinker too.

our weekends generally revolve around that. i know tonight he will go out and tbh i may as well go too because if not i will have to cope with him mortalled whilst i'm stone cold sober and i can't stay elsewhere because of the dog.

tomorrow he will be hungover then there is a sporting event on he wants to watch that goes hand in hand with a drink for him.

Sunday we have a family party which is a drinking thing. Minus that party this is the same week in week out. It's tiring and i'm getting too old for it. Not to mention the fact alcohol exasparates his ways so i will spend most of the wkend swearing ive never done this or i wasny looking at so and so like that and so on.

Do you have family nearby? Could you take the dog with you and go and stay with them for a few days? Could he look after the dog, or don't you trust him to do it?

I know it's not easy with a pet, but getting a few days away from him will help you get some perspective. It's impossible to think clearly when you've got them breathing down your neck, accusing you of stuff and creating arguments out of nothing.

The best remedy to a relationship like yours is surrounding yourself with people who really love you and have your best interests at heart, and talking to them about it. Good friends and family (but be careful with friends who also have shit relationships, because they will sometimes try and normalise what you're going through; confirmation bias and all that). Abuse thrives in silence. I didn't tell anyone about what my ex did to me, until after I left him, because I was ashamed. I wish I had now. I might have got out quicker.

tbh a lot of my friends have similar experiences and even my family tbh. that's probably why ive found it so normal so to speak.

i could go to my parents but i cant really face it. one of them talks alot about their feigned / exagerrated illnesses and i just cant cope with it and sadly no i cant trust him with the dog.

That's really common, unfortunately. If it's what you know, it's very easy to say 'all men are bastards' and 'better the devil you know'. I actually used to seek out friends who had shitty relationships, so I could reassure myself that my situation wasn't that bad, and that everyone in long term relationships was pretty unhappy. I didn't realise I was doing that at the time, but I was.
Keep this in mind: they're not all bastards. Some are superb. And being in a relationship with a good man is like having an army standing behind you. Failing that, it's much easier to be by yourself than in a shit relationship. You'll only yourself to think about. And you'll know you can rely on yourself. You won't have to deal with the continual stream of disappointments, large and small, that come with living with a dickhead.

haha bonjour that is a great post. I will keep that in mind.

i've just got the standard 'so is that it, are we single now?'

what a fucking head fuck!

eugh. he sounds so like mine, it's almost laughable. right down to the cleaning thing! I remember once leaving the cleaning in our flat for three weeks, to see if he'd crack and suggest doing it. It got to the point where I could run a finger through the filth on my desk (i worked from home at the time). he didn't appear to notice. in the end, of course, i cracked and did it. perhaps you are actually going out with my ex??

you will know, inside, when it's time to leave. don't bother discussing it with him; you'll probably just get sucked into an argument about how you have no right to end things. just put a plan in place, lean on the friends and family you can trust to support you, and go.

i already know that's how i will have to leave, you can tell i think about this a lot!

nope i was lucky enough to be this ones first proper girlfriend wonder why that is?

So in that case, I'm guessing you're still quite young? Like, in your twenties? All the more reason to go, if you are! Still plenty of time to find someone decent, and have children with them, if that's what you want. Please, please don't be like me and let this run on into your thirties. It's an appalling waste of your time

i'm early 30s. i wish i was 20s i know what you're saying and for a while i kidded myself that i was too old to up sticks and start again but with all my pregnancy history i don't feel like that anymore. if needs be i can try till my 40s or just be an aunty forever.

Well maybe you can take heart from my story then: I was 33, coming up to 34 when I left my ex. Totally convinced I was old & gross (another unfortunate side effect of abuse). Far too old and gross to ever expect another man to be interested in me. But I didn't care, at that point. I just wanted to get out. Anyway, I did get out. Started dating. Realised I was neither old nor gross. Met my boyfriend on Tinder, if you can believe such a thing. He's eleven years younger than me. I thought 'this is going to last about three weeks'. But eighteen months later, we're very happy. Obviously it's still early days, but I am, for the first time in my life, learning what a normal, healthy, happy relationship looks like, and it's brilliant.

So: it's not too late to start again. Early thirties is still young. You have plenty of time. I know it might not feel like that now, especially with your pregnancy history, but you do. You've been through an awful lot. Be kind to yourself. Take some time out for a bit and just be single for a while. But don't give up on the idea of love and relationships.

thank you bonjour i really appreciate all your advice.

we have been out and mostly things are fine which suits for now.

i have to add tho dp's dp's were basically in a similar if not worse situation to us. I have heard people glorify one of the dps today as if they were the second coming and it's turned my stomache. if only i had all this knowledge 5 years ago.