when you know you should leave but aren't ready?

[soundoff]

What do you do? When will you be ready? Will you ever be ready?

This will end up being a huge drip feed because if i put everything into the op it would be pages long but basically i have been in a relationship over 5 years with someone who doesn't really treat me right.

Things keep happening that are pushing me further and further away from him but i still can't find the point where i say that's it. It's enough. i'm leaving.

There's no financial ties, no living dc, no mortgages, no shared debts. But something stops me. Has anyone been here?

i don't care what people think of me. thats his archiles heel i dont know why he trys to use that one of me.

i hear what your saying though.

i know it's crazy. that apprently is the same as me feeling paranoid about the txting situation. ive never done that again and never would yet i almost left aftet the first txt incident and he is still at it.

it's like you say - he clearly doesn't care.

If you can separate yourself emotionally with this man it makes life easier. He doesn't care. You know this. So need to switch off your care button too. Obviously no one can force you to that point but I found it helps to detach emotionally from an abusive partner and stop giving a shit about their needs. Just do your own thing and let him do his. If wants to drink of a weekend that's his prerogative - it doesn't have to be yours.

You say you've stopped going out. Please don't be a martyr to him. He expects you to be. Can you try and carve a life for yourself outside the remit of your life with him. Hobbies, friends, even a trip somewhere by yourself, somewhere you've always wanted to go or see, or something you've always wanted to learn. The one thing he cannot own is your mind. He cannot commit mental piracy and right now he is invading your thoughts every second. You need to say enough is enough. I no longer give a shit. I am worth more than this and I am going to do x without him. Then go and do it. You will feel better for having brocken the shackles even if just temporarily. It can become YOUR thing. Not his. Not joint yours. Just yours and yours alone.

i just dont think im in that mindset yet. i still feel very much part of a couple and just going off and doing my own thing would seem a bit too obvious at the minute.

plus although i have my friends as people in this situation know you start to feel a bit like you are using people when you put them down and pick them up. not that i have intentionally done that but i am very aware that if i ask them to go out they will be shocked and maybe think we have fell out or something.

Truth be told if i went out he would too and then there would be no point me being out.

The point is that if you go out you are doing something FOR YOU. What he does in that time is irrelevant. There would be a point, it would be taking time out from your relationship and humdrum of life and mixing things up a little bit to maybe give you a different perspective or show you life doesn't always have to be what you have known so far. It makes no difference what he does. He would probably go out and drink anyway so what have you got to lose?

Also, we all need friends. Life isn't always smooth and easy going or kind. We all need someone to lean upon for support some times so I'm sure they'd understand that's you're not using them but your giving your relationship time and space to breathe.

I don't wish to offend op, but it sounds like you've made so much of your happiness dependant on him. I'm guilty of doing this myself so recognise it. You need to ask what would make you happy right now. Would going out the door and getting a coffee be good for you right now? Just you, your own company and a cup of coffee. Or tea. Or whatever. Then go do it. It's not a big change but it's a little thing you can do that doesn't revolve around him, doesn't concern him, has no attachment to him. Do something for just you.

Oh god soundoff you are literally living what my life was until 2014. I'd been with XH for 7 years and in the final weeks I wrote him notes desperate for him to understand what I wanted. He had checked out and didn't care.

Your post of 15:55 on 19/06 was basically what I wrote him. Reading it takes me back to knowing my marriage was dead and I'd have to leave. He would never do it. Path of least resistance and all that.

Anyway, listen. I left him. I had packed a bag, notified my chum, had the convention, got stonewalled, said I was leaving and that I'd be at X mates house, got on the bus and left.

He never really tried to salvage matters.

Four months later I met a man who is my now DH. It was immediately obvious to me that he was a good 'un. I was so scarred after years of toeing the line I didn't give a fuck anymore and was just me, warts and all.

We are married now with a baby and another one on the way. I just wanted to share my story with you as I was in the same boat - but with no miscarriages; that's unbearably tough.

I hope you get the strength to go live the life you should be living OP. God knows you deserve better. Xx

thank you.

i do do things just for me, so much more than i used to. it's just really hard. u never looked at it as depending on him to be happy. that's quite sad really.

good to hear such positive stories from people moving forwards. i need to hear that for sure!