when you know you should leave but aren't ready?

[soundoff]

What do you do? When will you be ready? Will you ever be ready?

This will end up being a huge drip feed because if i put everything into the op it would be pages long but basically i have been in a relationship over 5 years with someone who doesn't really treat me right.

Things keep happening that are pushing me further and further away from him but i still can't find the point where i say that's it. It's enough. i'm leaving.

There's no financial ties, no living dc, no mortgages, no shared debts. But something stops me. Has anyone been here?

when the f is the feeling going to come? surely soon?

last night we drank got in after 12. woke up about half 9, i visited a friend whilst dp went shopping for bbq food. i should have known bbq = drink. So the drinking started at 3.30. ive managed to stretch a bottle of prosecco out that long with the help of lemonade. now laid in bed as we have a family drinking party to be at at 10.30 tomo. dp is still downstairs drinking and talking of going back to the pub

tomo by 11.30 we will have a drink back in our hands. i will get home go to bed get up and go to work monday.

bar the family party this is my wkend, almost every wkend. Dp swears blind this is normal. so much so i feel like the boring one for not wanting it.

Dp swears blind this is normal.

Maybe it is normal to him and his friends? But you’re not happy with it, it’s not the way you want to live, and that is enough of a reason to go.

Trying to convince an abusive partner that their behaviour falls outside the realms of ‘normal’ is a complete waste of time, in my experience. He will never listen, because it’s you saying it. He’ll just tune it out. I spent a great deal of time and energy trying to convince my ex that a whole range of his behaviours weren’t normal (eg: smoking weed as soon as he woke up). I might as well have tried to convince the door jamb. It goes back to wanting validation. Deep down, you think if you can just get them to see that their behaviour is insane, and your response it rational – by co-opting other people and their opinions, if necessary – then your problems will melt away, and they’ll turn into a reasonable partner. It won’t happen. It's a waste of your time.

You mention his parents are the same. These attitudes and behaviours go to the bone, then. He’s been modelling on them since before he could talk. Rational arguments won’t work. Abusive men need help from trained counsellors. And they have to really want to do it. And even then, the success rate is quite low, I think.

the thing is, around all my friends, it seems to be the norm! i dont think about life away from this but if i did i do think im going to come across a lot of people the same.

yeah at his age they were similar if not worse. in fact one of the dps told us tonite how he always wasted money at dps age. it justifies it doesnt it?

i know it does because i take justifications from my parents. You could get run over by a bus tomorrow is one if their lines lol!

Ok, heres something to consider then - does it matter if its normal? If the "normal" isnt what you want from life, then does it matter how many other people think its great?
You could indeed be hot by a bus tomorrow, so if today is your last day, are you spending it in the best way you can?

That lifestyle certainly isnt my normal, and I wouldnt want it to be either, no matter how many other people would find it perfect.

it's so confusing. i think he wants to be better if you understand that?

i said this morning i want to do something nice on a weekend it feels like i haven't even been off and he was in agreement. I start wondering if i've got it all wrong as we seem on the same page again all of a sudden.

I think i find it hard the jekyl and hyde so to speak.

and to answer your question storm no i know i'm not.

i thought to myself this morning i am going to make some small changes to myself to better myself and see if that has any impact on my feelings. Today i am thinking about bad language, i use it far more than is necessary so i'm going to try and stop. it's a small change which makes no big difference in the grand scheme of things but i do think i 'lower' myself when i swear a lot so maybe i will be happier if i dont?

It's so confusing. i think he wants to be better if you understand that? I think i find it hard the jekyl and hyde so to speak.

I used to feel like this all the time. These men want you to stay confused, because if you’re confused, you doubt your own judgement and you don’t listen to your instincts. You need to tune into those instincts, because they don’t lie. Has the book arrived yet? I have just gone back to my copy. On page 43 there is a quote from an abused woman: He’s two different people. I feel like I’m living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

I promise you, when you read it, a lot of your confusion will start to lift.

Honestly your day to day life sounds so miserable

So if you did stay (please don't) and had a child together he would carry on drinking and you stay sober being the solo responsible parent???

I agree keeping you on your toes and confused plays completely into his hands.

You are in a very difficult situation, do you feel able to reconnect with previous friendships where the people were supportive of you?

i have still got my friends and am connected albeit in our 30s is a little different to our 20s.

the thing is they know the situation and i'm sure would love to tell me what to do but they're my friends so i guess they never would.

He is charming and easy to get on with and in all honesty i think a lot of people like him which makes it hard for them too to really put their finger on what they think would be for the best.

i just keep thinking he is better than this and will realise and be a better person but i guess that's what everyone felt like?

barr the drinking at the wkend this wasnt a bad one for us. we actually got on. he has been loving and affectionate and it has me back again wondering if i am being too harsh pr imagining it. He's a little younger than me too only a few years but i wonder if it's just because he is younger or whether i'm too hard on him cos im a bit older and more grown up.

i'm writing this half laughing to myself, it's clear from everyones advice you have all done these circles?

no baby on the horizon for us. fortunately or not really a friend had a baby with someone similar just recently and needless to say the the perfect person he was goinf to become once baby arrived is nowhere to be found. That has been a stark warning to me.

You might be surprised at how few people he's got fooled. It probably seems like everyone thinks he’s great now, but I bet if you were to leave him, you’d learn a lot of your friends had misgivings all along. Superficial charm is just that: superficial. Lots of people will be able to see through it.

Re. him being immature and you being too hard on him: no & no. My ex (are you 100% sure you’re not going out with him?) used to blame his behaviour on immaturity and just needing a few years to grow up. He was my age! I used to want to shout at him: ‘You’re NOT young’, like Judy Dench in Notes on a Scandal.

Abuse has nothing to do with immaturity and everything to do with entrenched attitudes, which tend to get more grown-in with age. Abusive men do not mellow as they grow older. But they DO get better at being manipulative. It’s a craft, and they get better at it, the more practice they have.

Please don’t have a child with him. You’ll be tied to him for the next 20 years, minimum. Do you still want to be coming on here, writing these posts, in 20 years' time? Look at your friend, when you feel your resolve wavering.

I'm so sorry life is so difficult for you OP.

What do you want from life? What would a good relationship look like in the future for you? In your heart of hearts, do you believe you can achieve that in this relationship?

Few relationships are awful all the time; there are always good/ok moments. That doesn't mean it's right overall.

that's the hard thing. the things i want are easily accomplished which is why i keep thinking it might happen and i know we keep talking about abuse, i'm not saying it isn't but what if it isn't. The things i'd really love:

• going out and doing something nice other than drinking maybe once a week so cinema / a meal we dont rush back from / somewhere i would like to eat even though he wouldn't normally choose that
• someone who has a conversation with me rather than plays on their phone
• someone who appreciates that even though i don't have a degree i'm still on a level with them intellectually
• someone who appreciates everything i do for them, especially the big things.
• someone who agrees with me and supports what i want whether that be new furniture or whatever.
• marraige
• kids
• a home that feels happy more often

I had a list of "easily accomplished" things I needed as well, and I realised it boiled down to "I want the things that someone who loves their partner does" - showing me affection, not being on the phone all the time, giving me some chat and messages on some of the days we werent actually going to see each other in person.

I finally flat-out asked mine how he felt about me, and was told I was "fun to hang out with" but that he didnt actually love me any more and hadnt for a while.

Worth thinking about.

i was writing a msg then i think i got what you were saying - he tells me every day he loves me and always tells me he wants the same thing as me and tbh nowadays i won't be much fun to be around as i answer back,i stand my ground a bit more and probably more than anything we clearly like different things.

he would hate to loose me though. whether that is for the right or wrong reasons i dont know. i do think he would soon get over it though. he would go back to how he used to be and likely adjust really easily.

one thing i have left off all of this actually is we have known each other since we were kids and were good friends for a good couple of years before we got together. the worst part of it is i guess he has always been the same but before i got with it didn't matter.

i was a bit of a party girl myself but that was just because i had nothing better to do. he clearly did it for other reasons.

I think i have taken another step this week. It has finally dawned on me that i will not get married or have children whilst in this relationship.

I got upset last night, distraught even over all this txting business. I feel like i am second guessing myself all the time, like we have gone back over. All day i sit at work wondering who he is with, who he is talking to, who he is txting knowing i will go home and he will barely speak to me as he is too busy browsing stuff on his phone or playing a game on it.

he asked me what was wrong and i told him. i was proper crying, getting really upset and saying how it has affected me and how i never thought i would feel like that about him etc etc. He turned round and said it all changed when 2.5 years ago i told him in that argument his friend had his hands on me and everything would be alright if i would just do a lie detector test.

That sounds even worse written down than it felt last night. I don't think there's long left now.

Hi soundoff,

Can I clarify a few things. How old are you both? How long have you been together?

What's his good points and what's his bad points?

early 30s
5.5 years

i dont really want to write a list it doesnt feel right but he can be very loving, great fun and i used to think loyal. I would have trusted him with my life. He tried to help me moneywise i suppose. I feel we have the same vague morals and i thought we wanted the same things in life. It's a difficult one as obviously things are hard at the moment.

Why is he asking you to do a lie detector test? You have told him it was a lie and something you said out of anger. What does he think the test will prove? That a) you were telling the truth when you said it was a lie that his friend had his hands on you? or b) does he think that actually you saying his friend had his hands on you is the truth? and c) if so, does he think it went further than putting hands on you?

I'm confused as to what he is trying to achieve and would also be saying to him "if you honestly believe your mate out his hands on me why don't you go confront him about it? I've already said it was an out and out lie, you need to get the hell over it and move on, or call it a day" and out the ball in his court. That's exactly what I would say in this situation.

To make you feel like crap everyday because of some made-up incident 2.5 years ago is beyond weird. It may be that you affected his trust in you by lying. But surely by admitting you only said it out of anger and coming clean should make him realise that you didn't mean to lie. He sounds like he needs to get a grip.

Sorry you're going through this

Was everything fine for 3 years up to the point where to lied? Or has he always been like this and the incident has amplified it?

the thing is, i think he knows fine well his friend didn't. i also think he doesn't think it went further than that but would class that as cheating. he was with us the whole time barr about 3 minutes when we went into the pub and he was stopped and i hadn't realised.

i tell him those things. it makes no difference. he sees the guy every day and as far as i'm aware the guy has no knowledge of any of this which of course he wouldn't i made it up

no i wouldn't say everything was ok. we were probably happier but i conformed a lot more in the beginning because i was falling in love i suppose.

The little things like not going out felt normal because it felt like we wanted to spend time together.

That was my first night out since after the first few months of us being together really.

Obviously there's lots going on here but looking back, dumping my ex was simple. After years of treading water and just putting up with all the issues, I remember a moment when I came home from work and saw the light on as I approached our flat. I kept walking around for another hour rather than go home to him.

That kind of did it for me. If I literally don't want to be in my own home when he's there then what's the bloody point. Also, my friend and I went out and got off with two brothers. Good times :) I don't recommend that last one I totally do

oh and sorry he thinks b) which means he would leave me and then destroy my reputation by all accounts.

I was actually very early pregnancy on that night out, in the 2ww which is something else he always tells me when he brings it up. It was with my son who was stillborn.

yes morris that's what i'm waiting for that moment of clarity.

You know what soundoff I totally get that's you're not ready to leave. It's a big step and you don't want to feel like you're jumping into the unknown. But I think his refusal to let go of a made-up incident that happened 2.5 years ago mixed in with the fact that he genuinely seems to care very little about you would make it easy for someone like me to ditch his arse. I know you're not ready yet, you're waiting for that safe time to do so. But when you get there.... and you will get there, then anything he could say to 'destroy your reputation' will be water off a ducks back.

Remember, you have more shit on this guy than he has on you. If people want to talk they can talk. You can either ignore them or put them straight but I certainly wouldn't lose sleep over it. There will come a time when you don't care and you will feel better for getting this man out of your life.