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Original poster

Sexy but dull

117 replies

user1497461889 · 14/06/2017 23:32

So after 20 years married, 3 healthy children my very attractive wife although looking amazing rather reads a book in bed morning noon and night rather than spend quality time having sex. I know life is not a porn film, I get that but my needs are not being met. Am I unreasonable? We have money in the bank, the kids look after themselves, we have freedom now to go out at weekends and be a couple again but come Saturday night, she dresses up looks great, we drink wine and then I head upstairs light the candles aftershave on and wait and wait. Darling wife stays downstairs reading a book sometimes to 5am. Come Sunday morning after she has come up eventually we have a routine once the book is put down between 9 and 10 but there is no foreplay to the usual Sunday romp before the household awakens, privacy is not a problem but the Kindle book is, sex must be had with efficiency she says do you want a quicky whereas I want intimacy, variety and not just a 'quicky'. I buy her sexy clothes which she wears and looks great but when it comes to the act it has become dull as she just lies there, sex toys are dismissed quickly any alternative sex acts are considered to be abnormal. I even booked a hotel for one night as a surprise once to spice things up and she went through with it worrying about the kids who were safe with a family friend rather than having a thrilling night away. All children are in their teens. I have never looked elsewhere but know there is more to enjoy in life but why can't my wife. She is free to treat herself to clothes makeup new haircuts and is a trim size 10 with admirers aplenty when we go out, and she always comes home with me proudly on my arm but it is an empty gesture - as nothing happens. She has never been a tactile person and needs a wine to loosen up but that has fallen flat now and she just does not seem to want to have sex anymore what are we doing wrong ? What can I do to increase her dead libido. I enjoy sex often as most men do and I know women are different I would rather please her than me. For solace I am now pleasing myself in so much that I go out to the pub on my own hoping to meet someone now but I would rather she came with me but it is too much effort, her greatest enjoyment is the Kindle and I lose out often. I am sad and frustrated I work hard good with the kids too, and even do the housework come the weekend I look forward to what could be but by Sunday dinner time that optimism has gone- but I know I am not perfect but feel myself wanting to looking elsewhere now. It seems a ever decreasing circle.

OP posts:
donajimena · 14/06/2017 23:35

This reads like a Dear Deirdre! I don't think she fancies you any more OP

WithCheesePlease · 14/06/2017 23:39

They must really be some good books that she's reading to stay up until 5am! Any idea what they're called?😂 But on a serious note, after 20 years of marriage, maybe she's just tired it stuck in a rut. Have you spoken to her about it?

HildaOg · 14/06/2017 23:39

I'm assuming you're clean and take care of yourself so that you're fuckable? If so then I think you have to decide what you want...

  1. Try counseling

If she's not open to that you can

  1. Stay celibate for life
  2. Have a discreet affair or two(you'd be justified)
  3. Leave and find someone new.
  4. Find someone new while married and when you meet the right person, leave for them.
PhilODox · 14/06/2017 23:43

Maybe she needs her mind stimulating. Perhaps you're the dull one....

Chickydoo · 14/06/2017 23:52

Are you as fanciable as your wife?
I think you sound a bit desperate & a bit of a bore.
Can understand why she prefers her kindle.

user1497480444 · 14/06/2017 23:54

she clearly doesn't consider sex to be "quality time"

C0RAL · 14/06/2017 23:57

I'd love to know where you got those teenagers who look after themselves . Because mine need fed, tidied up after , clothed, laundry service, housekeeping and taxi driving.

Can you send yours over to train up mine ?

notknownatthisaddress · 14/06/2017 23:58

Have you thought that your wife may be finding you dull too OP?

Maybe she doesn't want you, because she has someone else???

PhilODox · 15/06/2017 00:03

Why do you only do housework at the weekend? Don't floors need cleaning every couple of days? And with five almost adults in the house, I'd think the loos would need doing every other day too.
Does your wife work outside the home?

Orlandointhewilderness · 15/06/2017 00:06

Ohhh what is she reading!? Sounds good!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/06/2017 00:14

Urghhh your pestering with sexy underwear, sex toys etc would put me right off tbh. I can feel the pressure as I'm reading your post! You talk about her like she's a Barbie doll rather than a person with interests- trim size ten, admirers aplenty etc.

Also, newsflash, your teens will NOT be looking after themselves.

Cricrichan · 15/06/2017 00:20

I suggest that you forget about sex for a while and get back to basics:

Respect what she does and be a true partner. Realise that teenagers absolutely don't look after themselves, there's still a bloody lot of parenting. Pull your weight around the home and the family. Not just at weekends as parenting isn't a part time job.

2 treat her as an equal.

Be interested in what she says and be interesting. Start having good conversations, start doing a hobby or a sport together. Laugh and chat and play.

Her wanting intimacy should come when everything else is there.

JustHereForThePooStories · 15/06/2017 00:22

Maybe you're not as thrilling a prospect as you seem to think?

Cricrichan · 15/06/2017 00:23

And actually all you've talked about is her physical attributes. Is she bright? Funny? Great friend? Amazing mum? Etc??? Do you care, or is it just about her looks?

gamerchick · 15/06/2017 00:23

Christ.

Talk to your wife. Do not fuck about because you're feeling neglected and think that means a green light.

Talk to your wife.

This is the second man is feeling neglected thread I've read tonight. Hmm

CondensedMilkSarnies · 15/06/2017 00:23

There's something about your post and style of writing that's a bit off putting , your painting yourself as quite creepy , maybe your wife thinks so too.

Ive got a picture in my head of you lying on the bed starkers, rose between your teeth , reeking of aftershave ! It just seems so contrived which is a turn off.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/06/2017 00:27

Your wife is probably complete shattered after ferrying/feeding/ refereeing/ teens and picks up the Kindle for two mins and you expect her to be swinging from the chandeliers!

LoveDeathPrizes · 15/06/2017 00:30

Hmmm... You buy her sexy clothes and she's arm candy. Subtext here doesn't look great. Is she as aware of your preoccupation with her looking sexy as we are? If so, that's a huge turn off.

Honestly, how she looks is completely irrelevant after twenty years. Intimacy has sod all to do with her objective attractiveness.

Let her wear her own clothes and stop fishing down the local pub. Stop objectifying her and she might feel more inclined to be intimate with you.

RedastheRose · 15/06/2017 00:31

Do you take an interest in her? Not as an object of envy for others or as a sex object but as a person in her own right? You say you buy her sexy clothes, you go upstairs and get ready for sex it's really all sex focused she is a person! Talk to her, what interests her, what does she want out of her life? Try and remember what it was about her personality that attracted you to her not just her looks. Frankly most women would be more interested in their book if they felt like all you wanted them for was sex!

Luncharmstrong · 15/06/2017 00:55

'Honestly, how she looks is completely irrelevant after twenty years. Intimacy has sod all to do with her objective attractiveness. '"

Could not agree less.

LoveDeathPrizes · 15/06/2017 01:25

Really lunch? I mean, yes, you need to find your spouse attractive but does it need to be levels of "everyone else fancies them too," attractiveness?

Don't you think that after such a long time your appreciation of your partner becomes so intertwined with their personality that you couldn't really point to their physical attributes as the reason you want to have sex anymore?

user1497403588 · 15/06/2017 01:44

Everyone is being harsh to the OP..just because he's a man i think....get off your high horses girls

BadHatter · 15/06/2017 03:53

I think in your position a lot of men find themselves a side girlfriend who they can share intimacy with. Do that because it sounds like your wife does not want to prioritize intimacy (and thus the marriage).

Of course you run the risk of your wife finding out years later and posting about how hurt and blindsided she is on Mumsnet.

bumblebee61 · 15/06/2017 04:05

I hear your pain and understand how you feel, but agree with others that the focus on her looks seems to jump out here. Have you asked her what she's reading? Talk to her about it. Try some of her books. Engage with her in what she is interested in and ask her what she's feeling/thinking. Do you talk about life the Universe and everything ? Or do you just look her up and down and wonder when you can get her into bed?

Most women want to feel their partner is fascinated by THEM, not their bodies or their appearance. Your wife sounds quite lonely and locked into her own inner world. Do you have mutual interests? What do you do as a couple away from your children, or even as a family?

If she is up to 5am reading, there is something wrong. She either has insomnia and probably depression too, or she's having an affair? She must be shattered during the day, especially if you have teenagers.

Perhaps you would would both benefit from couples counselling. Why don't you try suggesting that to her gently, saying you would really like to improve things between you and feel that you need to understand the dynamics between you and see what you can do to change. That may make her feel less blamed and more receptive. If she isnt interested in doing that and you try the other suggestions and they don't work, sounds like your relationship is over.

Affairs are just a coward's way out. Tackle the problems head on or leave. Be honest.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2017 04:43

It sounds like she has duty sex with you every Sunday. Because that's the minimum she can get away with.

Now that could mean that she doesn't fancy you, or is bored or isn't that interested in sex any more. Or it could be that she's bored of being constantly pestered, judged solely on her looks and constantly expected to service the needs of everyone in the house.

Or this is the regular late night wind up.

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