Sexy but dull

[user1497461889]

So after 20 years married, 3 healthy children my very attractive wife although looking amazing rather reads a book in bed morning noon and night rather than spend quality time having sex. I know life is not a porn film, I get that but my needs are not being met. Am I unreasonable? We have money in the bank, the kids look after themselves, we have freedom now to go out at weekends and be a couple again but come Saturday night, she dresses up looks great, we drink wine and then I head upstairs light the candles aftershave on and wait and wait. Darling wife stays downstairs reading a book sometimes to 5am. Come Sunday morning after she has come up eventually we have a routine once the book is put down between 9 and 10 but there is no foreplay to the usual Sunday romp before the household awakens, privacy is not a problem but the Kindle book is, sex must be had with efficiency she says do you want a quicky whereas I want intimacy, variety and not just a 'quicky'. I buy her sexy clothes which she wears and looks great but when it comes to the act it has become dull as she just lies there, sex toys are dismissed quickly any alternative sex acts are considered to be abnormal. I even booked a hotel for one night as a surprise once to spice things up and she went through with it worrying about the kids who were safe with a family friend rather than having a thrilling night away. All children are in their teens. I have never looked elsewhere but know there is more to enjoy in life but why can't my wife. She is free to treat herself to clothes makeup new haircuts and is a trim size 10 with admirers aplenty when we go out, and she always comes home with me proudly on my arm but it is an empty gesture - as nothing happens. She has never been a tactile person and needs a wine to loosen up but that has fallen flat now and she just does not seem to want to have sex anymore what are we doing wrong ? What can I do to increase her dead libido. I enjoy sex often as most men do and I know women are different I would rather please her than me. For solace I am now pleasing myself in so much that I go out to the pub on my own hoping to meet someone now but I would rather she came with me but it is too much effort, her greatest enjoyment is the Kindle and I lose out often. I am sad and frustrated I work hard good with the kids too, and even do the housework come the weekend I look forward to what could be but by Sunday dinner time that optimism has gone- but I know I am not perfect but feel myself wanting to looking elsewhere now. It seems a ever decreasing circle.

What did you expect OP, by coming on here? It seems the consensus from the wise ladies here are one or more of the following:
A. You are a dud root
B. You should be focusing on her needs more
C. You're children can't take care of themselves yet.
D. You may have hygiene issues
E. Your wife is in a rut
F. You are a mysogonyst who needs to get with the program.
G. You can't write properly by expressing yourself in a single paragraph.

Personally, I have some sympathy with your plight. I suspect your significant other is simply self absorbed and comfortable with her lot in life. Everything is good. Kids, house, money, clothes and she gives hubby a root once a week.

My suggestion, although I think there's little hope of any long term salvation? Tell her exactly what you're feeling. Be calm but clear in what you feel. Good luck. I think you'll need it.

Failing that, life's too short. Have an affair.

You make a lot of comments about her size, attractiveness etc .

She may be too good for you and not fancy you anymore.

@Cleavergreene you sound like a fucking creep and all.

Urghhhh!!!!

Have you actually tried TALKING to her, OP?

Someone wants permission to have an affair.

I don't think you know who your wife is at all. You seem to put a great deal of emphasis on her size and shape but none on her character.
I wonder if she finds YOU dull and sex obsessed.
There is far more to intimacy than sex.

Why are you buying sexy clothes for someone who isn't interested in sex?

Get yourself some crotchless knickers.

OP, you say she isn't tactile and needs wine to loosen up. Is she affectionate at all with you?

There are some harsh posts on here, but if my husband stopped wanting to have intimacy, wasn't affectionate and would rather read than interact with me I would be devastated and lonely. Giving me a routine, clearly bored 'service' once a week, would be awful.

I wish I had some advice, I really don't other than maybe having a talk with her and explaining how you feel, how much you miss the closeness etc. Maybe see if she's open to making some suggestions as to what would help as the clothes etc so far haven't.

A marriage is a partnership and we need give and take, hopefully you can find a middle ground.

Yep it's the only and right solution sometimes when you write your concerns down this in itself helps!

Yes maybe I need to raise the bar self reflection is no bad thing 😃

Firstly, I shower every day 😃 Rarely is she affectionate even with the kids who do really look aftet themselves rather well, she is always practicle over emotional, between the husband bashing comments on here which are amusing, there are some genuine good advice here. Thanks to all who have taken the time to help. None of us are perfect maybe this is my life lesson from a previous life.

First and last time I use this website 😃

No I don't want an affair 😉 an affair with my wife would spice things nicely actually 😀
Thanks

Crutchless pants? Against my religion rather go commando.

I have never bee n what women call a heart throb BUT l have provided for my family marriage before children faithful always, try my best, work hard and wash my socks.

Thanks for reducing my self-esteem great advice here. Never said I was awesome in fact my wife was always in a different league to me. She has the 'it' factor, I wish I did but I try to make the most of my quirky looks 😎

I am sad and frustrated I work hard good with the kids too, and even do the housework

And?

Ps. Some words here were slightly tounge in cheek but maybe missed some peeps here altogether.

But me mum still loves me 😃 Seriously, we've all got to be something, maybe mine is to be creepy. Yours is to be judgemental ?

Reow - I normally wear fly spray but the kids bought me for my hair dying party a bottle of genuine retro old spice,

Have you talked to her about this? What does she say?

PPS while lying on the bed I use a rotating bowtie rather than a rose between the teeth for more effect😎

Perhaps she doesn't find you attractive.
People change, you describe your wife as very attractive whilst describing yourself as faithfull and hard working. Is this enough for such a gorgeous woman to desire sex after 20 years? Probably not.
Women do have different sex drives with different men. I'm getting that you expect your wife to find you irresistible just because well, just because. Several posters have told you that they have a very high sex drive with some men, whilst not being remote!y interested in having sex with others , listen to them.

then I head upstairs light the candles aftershave on and wait and wait.
Have you tried inviting her to come up with you? Or do you operate on the magical thinking that she functions off of your brain?