H binned the bathroom bin - is this normal (OP has context)?

[thinkiamgoingcrazy]

This is going to sound strange / petty, but it is part of a wider issue.

Is it normal for my H to have thrown away the bin I bought for the bathroom?

One of our dds is suffering from OCD at the moment and was throwing a lot of clean toilet paper in the bin and around it (long story). He got really cross and put everything in a bin bag near the outside grey bin (without my knowing).

I found the bathroom bin and rescued it (amongst other things I paid for it - though it was cheap) but put it out of the way as I knew how be would react if I put it straight back in the bathroom.

I went to find it yesterday as a few weeks have gone by - H is not here at the moment, and I thought I would put it back in the bathroom as we have no bin there () - only to find out that be has obviously found it first and more than likely successfully binned it this time as it is not there .

Please tell me none of this behaviour is normal - or is it ?

he not be

Has the toilet paper issue been resolved since the bin was removed? What is your DD doing with the paper now?

If it means less papery mess on the floor, then I'd have gotten rid of the bin too TBH. Who cares how cheap/exxy it was if it was causing a mess?

But if its removal caused your daughter distress, then it is a horrible to do and I would have discussed it with him when the bin was first removed, rather than stealing and hiding it.

By "I paid for it", I mean that I would never dare to throw away anything that H had bought without asking him, as he would go hopping mad. But he obviously doesn't feel the same.

She hides the wastage now. And some of it just ends up on the floor from where I pick it up. We need a bin for things like sanitary towels amongst other things.

I didn't steal my own bin. I didn't discuss this with him and then hid it because I was scared of his reaction.

Maybe I shouldn't have posted this here as I might not be able to cope with AIBU.

Surely he should have told me what he was doing before throwing it all away? Why throw the bin away at all - why not put it out of the way until the toilet paper issue is resolved ? Genuine question.

How would he react if you threw out something he bought and used?

Getting rid of the bin hasn't fixed the problem. I'd be annoyed about it.

Plus you mentioned he threw out other stuff of yours, that isn't a very respectful thing to do.

Just realized you said he'd be hopping mad, but I guess you aren't allowed to be mad back?

If I were you, I'd post again in relationships about the wider issues. You don't sound happy.

Did throwing the bin out help DD issues? Maybe he got so fed up of the toilet paper/bin issue that he thought "fuck it" and binned the bin in a fit of rage? I've binned stuff when I've had it up to my back teeth. I'm not saying he's right but it sounds like the bin was a cause of issues. And in regard to sanitary products can't you just put them in another bin?

Occasionally I've found the odd thing thrown out of mine. Not massive things but things he doesn't understand the purpose of and which having around annoys him - like my fantastic two egg poaching pockets .

He would be very angry if I threw out something he had bought and which he used.

He did a very weird thing! It should have been discussed first so that you could both agree on a course of action. I'd ask him to replace the bin or give you the cash so you can.

No I am not allowed to be hopping mad back - his anger tops mine by far.

I'd ask him to replace everything he chucks of yours. And if he failed to do that I'd chuck some things of his to give him a taste of his own medicine.

OP is your house particularly chaotic or messy?

YANBU, OP, apart from being in a situation where you fear husband's reaction if you ask him about a bathroom bin?? What do you fear his reaction may be??

I agree with you that the adult thing to do would be to have a discussion along the lines of "my dear wife, what do you think to the idea of removing the bathroom bin to help reduce the paper wastage caused by our daughter's compulsive behaviour?". And your reply could be "well, I see where you're coming from, but I need the bin there to dispose of sanitary waste when I'm on my period. Also, it would be tackling the symptom not the cause - perhaps we should ask our daughter's psychotherapist if it would help or hinder her?"

For example

Just to say, the bin doesn't sound like the issue, the updates make me think he's a bit of twat. I'd never bin my husbands personal stuff, it's a tough one as a bathroom bin causing issues I can see why he binned it, but personal items are a no go.

Or replace them yourself with his cash

You were scared of his reaction? That's quite worrying.

My dh often threatens to throw away things I have bought (usually toys dd won't put away) and it drives me mad. It's wasteful and disrespectful. I was be cross if I were you too, however I'm more concerned about your fear of his reaction, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship dynamic.

It's actually a bit concerning that you say you'd be scared of his reaction to you putting it back in the bathroom. Does he often give you reason to be scared of him?

No I am not allowed to be hopping mad back - his anger tops mine by far.

• I was scared of his reaction. " Sounds like this is more than an issue over a bin.

Throwing a perfectly fine bin out instead of just removing it from the bathroom is a bit ridiculous. Throwing it out after you had obviously rescued it and set it aside somewhere else seems quite domineering.

And am I reading you right that you set it aside and didn't talk to him about it because you were scared of how he would react? And do you mean really, actually scared, or just that you couldn't be bothered discussing it? Because if his reaction would make you scared, that all by itself is a pretty big red flag. I wouldn't be scared to talk to my DH about anything, let alone a disagreement about how we should be coping with our daughter's mental illness. Has your DD's illness made things really stressful at the moment or have you always been scared to talk to him about somethings?

The bin is a symptom of a much bigger issue, but I suspect you realise
that.

The key thing here is that his anger tops yours, and you are not allowed to be angry with him.

You are being emotionally and psychologically abused.

Buy and read 'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven.

Btw - is 'Thinkiamgoingcrazy' an apt name for you? Is that how you feel? Or was it randomly chosen?
Because if this is how you feel, then your H is doing a number on you.

So, he threw away the bin.
You found it thrown away and rescued it, but, fearing his reaction to you rescuing the bin you hid it intending to put it back later.
He found it hidden and without saying a word to you, threw it away again, this time successfully.

OP :(

That's bullying and horrid behaviour from him. It sounds as though the big picture isn't great. I think you need the Relationships board, not an AIBU bunfight. Good luck

Things are not good between us generally, but I genuinely wanted others' take on the bin issue. I do see that he was frustrated and upset about the toilet paper. But still I think it was disrespectful to throw the bin away.

I agree phoenix, that he was looking at the symptom rather than the cause. If only he would speak to me as you suggested! Sadly dd refuses to go and see a psychotherapist (she came once), and they said that they can't offer her the CBT they were offering without her voluntarily coming along. She is very stubborn.

The house used to be quite cluttered but for a long time now it has been much better. H tends to be critical of stuff other people leave around but not his own.

And am I reading you right that you set it aside and didn't talk to him about it because you were scared of how he would react?

Yes. He would have started shouting around the place.

Yes I too think it is even worse to have again thrown it away when he found it (though it was in a nook outside the house).

Yes I might ask for this to be moved to relationships.

It's good to know that the benchmark is being able to talk to your partner about anything.

It goes well beyond disrespectful. It is bullying, as Pikachu says.

He will never speak to you or discuss matters that crop up like the bin because (a) that would imply acknowledgement that you are his equal, which he will never believe or admit, and (b) the stuff he throws out is not at all important to him. He is not looking at the loo roll as a symptom of DD's illness. He is not looking for a solution to a problem of loo roll everywhere. He is looking for an opportunity to play a power game against you.

He took something important to you, that he knows is also used for disposal of pads and tampons, and he threw it out. Not only does he get the satisfaction of knowing you are walking on eggshells wrt the bin, forced to scuttle around behind his back and hide it, but he also gets to embarrass the women of the house who now have to beg him for somewhere suitable to throw away sanitary products.

This is a really nasty man you are dealing with.

As well as the Pat Craven book, you should buy and read 'Why Does he do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft.