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Original poster

H binned the bathroom bin - is this normal (OP has context)?

77 replies

thinkiamgoingcrazy · 13/06/2017 05:45

This is going to sound strange / petty, but it is part of a wider issue.

Is it normal for my H to have thrown away the bin I bought for the bathroom?

One of our dds is suffering from OCD at the moment and was throwing a lot of clean toilet paper in the bin and around it (long story). He got really cross and put everything in a bin bag near the outside grey bin (without my knowing).

I found the bathroom bin and rescued it (amongst other things I paid for it Angry - though it was cheap) but put it out of the way as I knew how be would react if I put it straight back in the bathroom.

I went to find it yesterday as a few weeks have gone by - H is not here at the moment, and I thought I would put it back in the bathroom as we have no bin there (Hmm) - only to find out that be has obviously found it first and more than likely successfully binned it this time as it is not there Angry.

Please tell me none of this behaviour is normal - or is it Confused?

OP posts:
AnotherQuoll · 13/06/2017 06:22

Tell him he can stand in the corner and personally hold all the used tissues and sanitary products for everyone, seeing as there's apparently no need for a.bin in the bathroom.

mathanxiety · 13/06/2017 06:23

Oh and do ask MN to move this to Relationships. You can do it by going back to your OP and clicking 'report', then filling in the dialogue box with your request.

WateryTart · 13/06/2017 06:23

He's abusive, OP, you must realise this.

Original poster
thinkiamgoingcrazy · 13/06/2017 06:27

He took something important to you, that he knows is also used for disposal of pads and tampons, and he threw it out. Not only does he get the satisfaction of knowing you are walking on eggshells wrt the bin, forced to scuttle around behind his back and hide it, but he also gets to embarrass the women of the house who now have to beg him for somewhere suitable to throw away sanitary products.

Yes. Not that we are begging him - dd is using other bins but occasionally forgets (wrapped up) sanitary towels which I am then putting in another bin. Same with my own. He may not realise about the sanitary towels as he is pretty tunnel visioned.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 13/06/2017 06:30

His anger is the real problem. It's disrespectful, abusive and threatening.

Original poster
thinkiamgoingcrazy · 13/06/2017 06:33

Thanks for all your answers. It's good to reaffirm what I know but then forget. I am trying to plan asking him for a divorce, but am scared of how difficult the whole process will be. Things have already completely broken down between us, and his anger of one of the (my) reasons.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 13/06/2017 06:38

If your husband shouts about the place for something so insignificant, I'm wondering what else he does. OCD is a defence mechanism, I believe, a way of coping with the world. I can imagine his behaviour is contributing to your dds anxieties and has been all her life. I also cannot see how removing a bin will have been of any help to your dd, who has now turned to secrecy to hide the evidence.

Does he never empty the bins? My dh know sanitary products go in the bathroom bins.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/06/2017 06:38

Glad to see you want to split.

Original poster
thinkiamgoingcrazy · 13/06/2017 06:49

He will never speak to you or discuss matters that crop up like the bin because (a) that would imply acknowledgement that you are his equal, which he will never believe or admit, and (b) the stuff he throws out is not at all important to him.

Yes.

OCD is a defence mechanism, I believe, a way of coping with the world. I can imagine his behaviour is contributing to your dds anxieties and has been all her life.

Yes I worry about this too. He does love her very much and he is very affectionate with all the dcs, but he is also angry at times and they know this.

[Dd really doesn't like him at the moment and recently told me that if she were me she would have divorced him a long time ago and that my life would be better without him in it (Shock).]

Am trying to get up the courage to start the ball rolling, but it's very painful and scary.

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 13/06/2017 07:06

It is painful and scary but ultimately worth it. Start with the practicalities and once they are sorted the emotional stuff will be slightly less scary to deal with.

BeepBeepMOVE · 13/06/2017 07:28

Why are you clearing up all this toilet paper and sanitary towels? If DD is throwing them around then she should be clearing them up. It doesn't matter why she is throwing them around. Or actually you are doing the same as your DH. She is putting it there and you are throwing it away like the bin!

DameDeDoubtance · 13/06/2017 07:32

Is he away for a while? How do you feel when he is not there as opposed to when he is there?

Original poster
thinkiamgoingcrazy · 13/06/2017 07:35

Is he away for a while? How do you feel when he is not there as opposed to when he is there?

It takes a while to kick in - but much more relaxed. Chatty with the kids. He is away for 4 days this week.

I have told dd not to leave her stuff there. There are so many things she can't "touch" that it becomes difficult to see the wood from the trees.

OP posts:
Original poster
thinkiamgoingcrazy · 13/06/2017 07:37

I don't think my throwing the sanitary towels away is the same as H throwing the bin away.

OP posts:
DixieFlatline · 13/06/2017 07:43

Or actually you are doing the same as your DH. She is putting it there and you are throwing it away like the bin!

You do realise the OP is talking about him throwing away an actual rubbish receptacle? That costs money, and is not rubbish itself? Hmm

Dd really doesn't like him at the moment and recently told me that if she were me she would have divorced him a long time ago and that my life would be better without him in it

I expressed similar sentiments to my own mother. She stayed with him. I don't enjoy spending time with her or communicating with her anymore, and avoid it as much as possible.

Trills · 13/06/2017 07:46

I knew how be would react if I put it straight back in the bathroom.

Did he worry about how you would react when he THREW AWAY the bin?

YellowLawn · 13/06/2017 07:51

no wonder your dd has ocd...with tension like this in the house it must have a great affect on her.

no. not normal. I sometimes buy things dh doesn't like. if it's really unacceptable for him we look together for an alternative or I take the item back/to charity shop.

BlackeyedSusan · 13/06/2017 07:54

your house is too cluttered.

Your dd is right.

divorce him. get rid of him cluttering up the place with his attitude. I suspect that is what is makiing her (more) ill

I wish my mum had left my dad too. t was awful living with the explosions.

BlackeyedSusan · 13/06/2017 07:55

if he does shout and you feel threatened, call the police. (or prewarn the neighbours to)

ChocChocPorridge · 13/06/2017 08:04

If DP threw away the bin (when he tidies, he does have a habit of throwing away stuff that belongs to other people) - I wouldn't feel at all afraid about talking to him about it. In fact, I would likely be quite annoyed and wouldn't think twice about hiding it.

If for some baffling reason, he didn't rectify the situation (or threw away another bin without thinking for instance), I wouldn't think twice about making a point by (for instance) leaving a little pile of wrapped up tampons/towels sitting on the draws next to the toilet, to point out why I needed the bin.

That's normal (well.. OK, a pile of tampons isn't normal) - being able to have discussions with your DP about things they've done that upset or annoy you is normal. Being scared of his reaction if you even mention it isn't.

ChocChocPorridge · 13/06/2017 08:06

wouldn't think twice about hiding it.

I mean my annoyance, not the bin. (although I have hidden things like old corks that he was trying to throw away - you know, for craft purposes.. but then if he'd have found them he'd have teased me about it, not been angry)

Colacolaaddict · 13/06/2017 08:07

I would say not normal for us for him to throw away the bin. However you fearing his reaction in putting it back is far worse.

Anyone can snap occasionally and throwing away the bin after months of irritation is perhaps understandable, but then you'd point out that people with periods need a bathroom bin, and where will the empty loo rolls and bits of hair and crud go, and he would apologise and get the bin back or buy a new one.

titchy · 13/06/2017 08:09

Just to point out you don't ASK him for a divorce - you don't need his permission. You TELL him. And yes he sounds abusive.

Zippydoodah · 13/06/2017 08:24

I sympathise. My dd has ocd and does obsessive things like this. My dh would react in a similar way and inflame the situation. I think he is slowly getting this after long chats and referring what the psychologist said at the initial meeting.

Also, my dh has a thing about clutter and does similar stuff like throwing things away I would deem useful and potentially useful.

It did come up at the initial appointment that he might have suspected ocd himself and this thread sounds very familiar.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/06/2017 08:24

Ugh, he sounds really hard work.
Is he the father of your DD?
Just wondering how long she's had the OCD and whether it's partly a stress response to living with his controlling, bullying, abusive behaviour.

Very glad to hear you plan to leave him - I think it's the best thing for you and your DC.

And yes, it's VERY rude of him to throw your stuff out without checking. DH did that to me once - he's not done it again since. (I had no qualms about unleashing seven levels of hell on him for doing it!)

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