H binned the bathroom bin - is this normal (OP has context)?

[thinkiamgoingcrazy]

This is going to sound strange / petty, but it is part of a wider issue.

Is it normal for my H to have thrown away the bin I bought for the bathroom?

One of our dds is suffering from OCD at the moment and was throwing a lot of clean toilet paper in the bin and around it (long story). He got really cross and put everything in a bin bag near the outside grey bin (without my knowing).

I found the bathroom bin and rescued it (amongst other things I paid for it - though it was cheap) but put it out of the way as I knew how be would react if I put it straight back in the bathroom.

I went to find it yesterday as a few weeks have gone by - H is not here at the moment, and I thought I would put it back in the bathroom as we have no bin there () - only to find out that be has obviously found it first and more than likely successfully binned it this time as it is not there .

Please tell me none of this behaviour is normal - or is it ?

Go and see a solicitor first, get the ball rolling there, and then when you know where you stand legally and have an idea of how to proceed, then tell him you want a divorce.

Your poor DD. I also think the anxiety caused by all of this is definitely contributing to the OCD. I developed OCD after my youngest was born, largely under control now although it does still get bad occasionally. The biggest improvement to my symptoms happened a few weeks after my abusive ex moved out. The relief was indescribable

Yes he's her Dad. She is just quite detached from him at the moment.

I do sometimes wonder about H's obsessiveness (though it turns out - from when we went to the psychotherapist - that he wonders about mine).

I do think that he finds emotions very difficult to express - but I have carried that burden for a long time and don't want to/can't do it any more.

his anger makes you all tread on eggshells. sounds like you're heading towards divorce and i agree with others that this is something totally in control: you TELL him. he is not the master of you.

Just photocopy all the financial stuff/pension stuff etc before you talk to him about divorce. See a solicitor first. Get your ducks in a row first.

Sorry, missed your post She

The biggest improvement to my symptoms happened a few weeks after my abusive ex moved out. The relief was indescribable.

I am so glad you feel better.

The first day after H goes away I still feel down. The second day (today) I feel happy and hopeful.

Of course how I will feel when I can't be with my dc all the time due to being divorced / and/or I am going through a traumatic divorce, I don't know.

Your poor dd. It sounds like she's afraid to touch the bin so puts stuff around it. And then her dad has a tantrum . He should be ashamed.

In your position I'd have the bin there with no lid so she doesn't have to touch it.

Really the focus should be helping your dd cope with her OCD. Not tip toeing around a selfish angry man toddler.

OP - you sound worn out, and your situation at home when you, your H and your DD are all there sounds tense.

You said that DD will not go to a psychotherapist. This is her choice. Have you looked into support for carers for someone who has a mental illness? The burden on carers if real and you might find solace in speaking to other people who are the parents of children who have OCD.

It's good to know that the benchmark is being able to talk to your partner about anything.

You set the benchmark for your own relationships. The way conflict is resolved or not resolved in your and your H's relationship sounds problematic. There is a possibility that this dynamic feeds into your DD's OCD. It might not, but it might.

Listen to your dd.
If she is telling you that you would be better wo him, there is a reason.

You are scared of him. He has no respect for you things (and he doesn't have tunnel vision about sanitary products - he just doesn't care and has no respect either for you or for your dds. No way that with 3 women in the hOuse he doesn't know wat that bin is used for)

Time to assess the situation me think.

Your dds are teenagers aren't they?
They will have the choice to go and see their dad if they want to. If the divorce is hard and he is a pain, it's him who will loose out on seeing his dds.

How is your daughter coping now without the bathroom bin?

As a young child (my OCD started around 5/6) I would crave tissue for everything, I couldn't touch anything someone else had touched without covering it with tissue first.

My parents reaction to my 'wasting' tissue was to only have toilet wipes available and hide the tissue. I still to this day remember the fear waking up and knowing I had to touch a spoon if I wanted to eat.

And I'm 26 now and though I hate any type of clutter, I always keep a big stock of tissue in the bathroom.

Idk how it is for your daughter but to take away something she needs/wants (the bathroom bin) is quite cruel IMO.

Why was she putting clean tissue in and around the bin, anyway? Is she scared to flush it incase it blocks?

If she won't see a therapist, read a book together about OCD. Or you read it and get her to read the bits you feel are most helpful.

This one is good.

Freeing your child from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Tamar E Chansky

I don't actually think it's cruel to take the bin away but i think his approach is very ham fisted and ignorant and won't help as it will certainly stress her and cause conflict in the home.

I do believe that leaving the bin or taking lids off or anything like that is kind of enabling and that won't help either.

It's a shame she won't do therapy (but then I know what teenagers are like) because they would help by slowly getting her in a position where she feels she can touch the bin.

Maybe you could find some cbt techniques for this online?

He sounds deranged. In a normal relationship you would be able to say why the fuck have you thrown my bin out!

LTB

I guess it's fear of the unknown that is putting you off taking the step of separation.

Go and see a solicitor and get good advice. As others have said, get your ducks in a row before you tell him what's happening - so all financials and certificates copied and/or put somewhere safe where he can't get to them.

Your DC sound like they are older children, so it's quite likely that they won't want to spend so much time with a father who has anger and control issues. Either way, if his anger and lack or empathy is impacting on their lives, then you really need to take that first scary step to divorce. You need to ask yourself what is worse - staying with this man that you are afraid of for many more years, or breaking free and building a happier home for you and your DC, and moving on yourself.

I had OCD which peaked with my ex, who sounds similar to your husband, the relief in symptoms after he left was HUGE.

Hi folks

We're just sending this over to relationships for the OP.

My H doesnt like me being angry about anything either and gets clearly agitated and yet he has anger management issues of his own, particularly obvious when driving. It seems to be a thing that people dont like traits in others that they know they have themselves.

If your dd has OCD then She is trying to control her environment, which means as far as she is concerned it's out of control. I'll lay money on her dad being a huge source of her anxiety, and she's already told you this.

It's time to take back the control and get her out of there op 💐

No, his behaviour isn't normal and it's the last thing you need given your DD's difficulties.

I developed OCD in my early teens and it was a horribly traumatic and stressful time for the whole family, not just me. Your DD needs to feel loved and supported, not that her dad is conspiring against her when she is no doubt already feeling very scared and out of control.

I know some people say not to collude in the obsessions and compulsions but actually sometimes it's impossible not to, to avoid the sufferer having a complete break down. In any case, hiding the bin hasn't cured your DDs anxieties and fears.

She really must try to engage with CBT. That way lies freedom and relief from the turmoil of OCD, although it is bloody difficult to get through at the time. It isn't unusual to need to find a therapist that you click with if she didn't get along with the first one. If you are able to persevere, and find a good therapist, you won't look back.

he finds emotions very difficult to express - but I have carried that burden for a long time and don't want to/can't do it any more.

But he doesn't find emotions difficult to express. He is fine with anger.

He has chosen not to be engaged with you when it comes to all of the other emotions, because that would imply an equal relationship, a shared experience - mutuality - and would cause you to expect a soft place to land when it came to expressing your own emotions. He is not interested in a relationship where there is give and take and mutual support, or healthy lines of communication. He wants to dominate and to have you focused on him all the time - playing guess my emotion is a sure way to keep your attention.

Glad to hear you are tired of it, though I know from experience the toll that game takes.

He may not realise about the sanitary towels as he is pretty tunnel visioned.
I highly doubt that. What he has done is given you the impression that he is so far above you that none of the 'small' details of your lives matter at all to him.

I would translate "tunnel visioned" as his way of expressing his contempt for everyone else and his superiority over everyone else and everyone else must work to get his attention. This is an ideal way of getting everyone to focus on him.

His alternating niceness to the DCs and bouts of anger serves to keep everyone off balance and playing the guess my mood game along with you.

I do sometimes wonder about H's obsessiveness (though it turns out - from when we went to the psychotherapist - that he wonders about mine).
This is classic projection.
Accusing others of something you know to be true of yourself is a well developed defence. It shuts down communication and puts you on the back foot because you will conscientiously examine your life for traces of obsessiveness while he laughs at you. He was trying to tell the psychiatrist that you are the problem, not him.

Don't do any more joint therapy sessions of any kind with him. He will use everything you tell the therapist/psychiatrist/counsellor about yourself.

And YYY to those who have pointed out that when it comes time to reveal your plans to divorce, you tell him, you don't ask him.

You could even have him served with papers at his job.

Thank you so much for everyone's kind messages.

Thanks very much to those people who have had OCD and who have shared what it was like. In terms of my daughter going to see another therapist, she is incredibly stubborn and (quite aggressively) maintains that there is nothing the matter at all / no problem. Same with reading a book about OCD with her - when I have suggested stuff like that she basically blanks me. Today she is probably not going to go to school (which luckily never happens, she does go to school) because I refused to wash an already completely clean school t-shirt last night (it had been on her bedroon floor). I have done a lot of unnecessary washing, but I was too tired last night.

mathanxiety everything you say is scarily spot on. And a relief to read. Thing is though - why the need to be "above" me and have everyone focused on him? What does he fear would happen if things were more equal? It seems like a lot of energy to use up in defending the status quo, or the image he has of himself.

I sent him the email (he is away until Thursday) I have been writing for weeks now, saying that we have to separate and the reasons why. That's the first step. Not sure if he will be angry or if he will ignore it. Am also dealing with long standing feelings of attachment and sadness. There is stability in our all living together - mainly because I know I can be with our dc all the time. The thought of them going on holiday with him and without me for example, is very painful. And it will happen . Though I really want to go and see family abroad with them and without him. Last time we all went he spent a good part of that holiday not talking to me and it was miserable.

I hope he sees sense and realises that things have completely broken down between us and that an amicable separation would be better. Am guessing he won't though. Don't know what to expect now .

If he ignores it all (and I am scared of talking to him about it, but I am going to have to try to), I am going to have to give him a petition and if he doesn't acknowledge it then yes, have him served. How does anyone live in the same house while all this is going on ? And finances are being discussed? I don't think I will have the strength to withstand it or go through with it.

He is going to feel that he is losing what is his and is going to do his best to stop this happening - probably using a wide arsenal of mechanisms, including anger and emotional manipulation. Who knows to what extent he could up the ante.

I am also scared to talk to him because I wish none of this was happening. I want to stay in the family home with the kids basically. And not be excluded from part of their lives. The concurrent loss of control is also frightening.

Well done for taking the first step. It's a very brave thing to do and you have done it for a better life both for you and your children. It may well be that your children go on holiday with him, spend time at his place and away from you. But this sacrifice is worth it for peace and harmony in your home and if you offer this to them, they hopefully will always gravitate back to you.

Have you got all the records of his financials? Someone mentioned it upthread.

It sounds as if you have a lot going on at the moment. Do you have RL support in all of this?

Have you spoken to a solicitor?

In terms of practical strategies for the OCD, is your daughter old enough to do her own laundry? There is a fine line between supporting and enabling. Washing clothes once is probably within the realm of normal family life. If your DD needs her clothes washed a particular way or multiple times, is she of an age where she can take them to the laundrette herself, or use your washing machine at particular times of day for example.

Sorry you are going through this but you can't be scared of someone in your own house. Had a thought, having just come back from Greece with the whole toilet paper issue there. Your daughter can't touch the bin but could she have a roll of clean, scented nappy sacks to put in excess loo paper, san pro. She can use one at a time and it would be clean. She can then tie a knot in it and either leave for you to put in the bin (easier for you to deal with) or, perhaps with a wire coat hanger to lift up the lid, or using the pedal mechanism put it in the bin. She really needs to acknowledge that this obsession of hers is negatively affecting you - who wants to clear up others' mess and she can't keep doing this if she is to lead an independent life and to move forward she needs to start taking gradual steps to stop this debilitating illness. The other young person who I've worked with who had major OCD also had a controling, abusive father. This has had all sorts of impacts on her in her life.