Husband left me but still wants a sexual relationship but i still love him, help

[user1495964242]

My husband left me around 6 weeks ago, I have added a screenshot of my post detailing the situation, we have been together 11 years (since we were 15 and 16) married for 8 and have a 5 and 7 year old together please read if you can it will make more sense to the rest of this .

Following the events in the previous post, we are now at a point where he is back living with us while he finds a place of his own to move out to, I and the kids have enjoyed having him around as it's felt like normal before he left and he has been sleeping with me consistanly since he's been home, I have tried everything to make him see how good it is with us at home and make him want to stay but he just doesn't. He reminds me all the time he's now single and makes jokes out of it which really hurt me.
He sends me very mixed signals as he knows how I desperately want him back despite what he's done and how he's acted but he tells me it's not what he wants and he wouldn't be happy coming back to a relationship but then 2 days ago he texted me and asked if I would go on a date with him, I said yes and then he txt saying don't label it, no boyfriend or girlfriend stuff it's just a date..
So we went on the date for dinner and had a nice time.. we came home and he was saying we'll always be friends yeah and I said no, you either want me or you don't and he replied I do want you, I want your body...
And that it's much better now were just friends (I don't feel this way I love and miss my husband and want him back as that again)
Once we got home he also said if we are going to carry on a sexual relationship I need to go on some contraception (we always used the pull out method) and I said why that's been good enough the last few years and he said yeah we were together then.. I got really upset and said this isn't sustainable, he said so you don't want to be my sex buddy then, ok I'll respect your wishes...
I'm in pieces because i love him I always have and he's treating me like he really doesn't care how I feel. I have sex with him because it's all I have left to cling onto but after a nice date and that talk I turned over and cried while he slept.. I know if I carry on he will just do it with me until he meets someone else then throw me to the kerb and he said to me he's happy to be my sex buddy until I meet someone else but I just want my life and husband back I don't want to meet someone else but I can't change his mind and I really thought when he asked me out it was going in a good direction but he has no intention of wanting to get back with me, I'm so so lost :( thanks for any help/advice x

Just tell him you are grieving for the relationship you once had and that you need space to come to terms with it so you need him to move out and communicate only about the kids.
You don't have to be nasty. You can be perfectly civil and polite but just keep reminding him you need space every so often.

Of course he won't like this and will up the ante. He may even pursue you telling you what you want to hear like he did last time you went to the solicitors. But you must expect that and not enter into any communication with him at all unless it is regarding the children. Whatever you do don't get drawn into communication however he approaches it. Expect anger, pleading, flattery and every which way. Just be civil and sent short texts reminding him you won't be replying and getting into any text conversations. And definitely no real ones.

Please read Lying's posts. She has been in this situation. She KNOWS.

Look at all the responses you have had...all saying exactly the same thing - we can't all be wrong.

You are too nice to be treated like this. Let him go, don't speak to him unless it's to do with the kids. Get through it and either he will come back or he will leave but it will be MUCH better than the state you are in now.

He knows you'll always be there so he's testing the boundaries how hard he can push you.

He knows you're co-dependent.
He knows you love him.
He knows you financially reply on him.

So why wouldn't he see how much he can get from you?

If you were wanting to take advantage, do you not think that's how you'd treat someone?

There is killing with kindness and then their is familiarity breeding contempt.

Do you really want your kids to notice how he's rude to you?
How he's with other women (potentially) whilst you are playing happy families?
How they see your self esteem rock bottom.

Is this how you'd recommend your daughter handled things if she was in your shoes? If not, you are no different.

It's hard but unfortunately, life can be.

This in and out and gradual leaving helps noone.

Don't faintly pull the plaster, rip it off in one go.

Don't be one OP.

I know it's tough love but one day you'll be so glad you

Lovefool

Newnoo alot of what your saying sounds correct, the only thing id add is that I was the one at home with the kids without a social life, he would go out once a month for a night out, and 3-4 times a week had gym classes he'd go to so he did have outside interactions and things other than being at home with me, he also told me that this isn't about him going off sleeping with other people but more that he is looking forward to meeting someone new and starting over? I don't understand that and it's very hurtful but this is what he's said..

And you are all right, I have a friend I've talked to about all this and she was saying what you all are and I thought she was being a little harder on him than because she was my friend but now I must see it's me being too easy and making excuses for him x

Jeez what have I been reading here?
User, you are ill named. Better change it to Used.
WTF are you doing?
He is a complete abusive WANKER. And all you want is an excuse to talk about him, and "what is he thinking" and "why is he doing this or that".
For Fuck's sake girl grow up. It is OVER. He is using you as a free and easy (oh so very easy) lay. You are dripping on about how wonderful it was because you have NOTHING to compare it too. There are a lot of men out there, some are absolute shits although this pillock is in the prizes for top wanker of the year, some are alright.
Having said this is is far too soon for you to be dating. Sort yourself out. Get an education, try the Open University, make something of yourself, be a role model for your DC especially your daughter. And your Nan should have been prosecuted for aiding and abetting child abuse. What the fuck was she doing condoning a live in boyfriend for a 15 year old?

I'm out. this thread is ridiculous.

this isn't about him going off sleeping with other people but more that he is looking forward to meeting someone new and starting over

Wow, if he had tried to find the most hurtful thing possible to say, he couldn't have come up with anything worse, could he?

You got together young, so from a completely unemotional perspective, you could kind of understand if he felt like he had missed out on having the variety of sexual experiences that others his age might have had. It wouldn't make it okay for him to go out and act on it, but you could at least grasp where he might be coming from. (I should add, looking back from a more experienced sexual perspective, that there's good sex and bad sex, but if he's had a good sexual relationship with you in the past, it's unlikely that he's going to find something noticeably better with someone else, no matter how many women he shags. This could be why things fell over so fast with the other woman... the sex wasn't as great as he'd hoped it might be).

But to say that it's not even so much that but that he'd like to ditch the family he's made and go off and see if he can do it again, but better... that is truly a sociopathic thing to say to someone.

I don't care what he was like for the last 10 years, anyone who can say that to their wife doesn't deserve a second chance.

Oh God, he is just an awful, awful man. He's treating you like a piece of meat. He is not your friend, he is not a good husband. Good friends and husbands do not treat the people they love like this. He is having his cake and eating it. If you want any hope of getting him back (though why you would want him is beyond me) you have to play hardball and kick him out. That is the only way he will see what he's missing.

How's my sex buddy this morning makes it sound like he's after role playing and excitement.
Other posters have said so much there's not much to add.

user he was going out 3-4 times per week even if it was to the gym. How many times per week did you go out.

Everything that Fanciedachange said!
I could honestly slap you OP!! FFS, stop let this wanker treat you like this!
I'm out too because I've never read anything so fucking annoying in my life!!

What a twattish post, ThePink, have you bothered to post anything else in this thread? No. You've just popped on to say that the OP is deserving of a slap and isn't worthy of your time.

I agree that OP doesn't deserve your input. Fuck off do.

You are both incredibly young still and in many ways immature even though you have 2 kids.

The marriage cannot be fixed so you need to accept this.
But you'd possibly help yourself by understanding why it all happened so you don't get into the same thing again with another bloke.

You were 18 when you gave birth- he was 19 when he became a dad.
That in itself was a sign that trouble may have lay ahead- who wants to be tied down so young without having had time to live, have a career, enjoy their 20s with no responsibilities?

Your family were mad to allow you to live together at 15- what were they thinking of?

You need to get your life back on track. Presumably you haven't ever worked, have no qualifications, and have relied on your husband? This has to change.

Set yourself some long term goals, maybe going to college during the day while your DCs are at school, get some qualifications, be a role model for them.

Your life is just beginning at 25. Don't let this marriage and divorce define you for ever. Start doing all the things you never did at 18, like being able to support yourself and develop yourself as a person, not just a mum and wife.

OP, I am very sorry you're going through this.

May I suggest for you to see a solicitor?

I think OP your relationship has died because both of you went into a family life too young, too soon. And now he wants to have fun again. Someone here said recently that if your man wants to go let him go.

Be strong OP and love yourself, not him. He is done. That's it. What worries me about you that you will be letting him back to sleep with you every time he breaks up with someone else. He would have fun and you would be sitting and waiting for him. Then one day, when you are 70 you would look back at your life and say what a fool you have been. Life is too short. I wish you all the best OP. You're still very young and one day you will be in love again with a good decent man. Let him go OP. Men often become shit when they're not in love with you anymore. A fact.

GEt legal advice! You are married - you have rights over the house, especially as you care for the children.

He is not your friend.
Do not sleep with him again.

LilyMcClellan thanks for the comment yes it was one of the most hurtful things he could have said :( and to answer above comment, I do work, from 16-18 when I had my daughter I worked in retail full time, went back weekends then fell pregnant with my son, was off work until July 2015 where i work evenings in retail and still do, as it works around the children..
And in reply to another question he went out to the gym/runs 3-4 times a week, I didn't go out, except in the daytime would be my time if little one was at nursery, where i work evenings x

He came home from his night out around 2, tried to hold and touch me but I pushed his hand away and he rolled over and went to sleep so he did think I was going to want him but again, nothing happened x

What a nasty twat he is. Don't believe him about using a condom with someone else, get checked out.

Stop sleeping with him, he only wants you for sex.

Tell him to fuck off if he tells you to get out. You're the primary career and have rights over the marital home.

Sadly, now he's 26 or so, he's probably regretting being tied down from so young and wants to see what else is out there.

You can be strong, you don't need him, you're addicted to him, but you CAN break this cycle and you need to for your dignity. You're showing your children a terrible example no being used.

He's using you big time, don't be surprised if he passes you an STD soon even though you believe he's not fooling around with anyone else.

Why on earth are you sleeping in the same bed as him?! You are not in a relationship anymore, you wont be having sex again so you need to establish boundaries. I don't know how you can bear to lie next to him, he would make my skin crawl after the way hes treating you!
Whose name is the mortgage in? Can he not move out?

The mortgage is solely in his name but I have gotten legal advice that if we sell the house id get half, but we're trying to work out that I will still live in the house and take over all household bills and he'll move out but continue to pay the mortgage, as it is now he's here because until I can take over those bills he can't afford another place and I can't afford those bills until tax credits are up to date with the changes etc and are able to update my claim (I get £7 per week from them now) and my wages cover food shopping/car tax kids things etc ...
He won't stay on the sofa he says it his bed his mattress I can sleep on the sofa if I want to but I haven't done any of this so I'm not giving up my bed for him plus it's so uncomfortable I wouldn't be able to sleep. I slept in with my daughter one night but she has a single bed so that was a awful nights sleep

Op, please listen to LyingWitch

She has managed to bluntly lay out your current position without being cruel and not making it sound like you are not worthy of support

Your husband is a grade A cunt and I personally would love to see him get his comeuppance. You are obvioisly not there yet but I hope you will. I once was in a similar situation of lapping up bad treatment from someone I now realise was not fit to lick my shoe. The day I woke up and told him to shove it as he begged is truly one of the defining moments of my life.

Take care

My god - everything you say makes him sound worse. Won't sleep on the sofa even though he is the one who has instigated this split. Can't you put a mattress on the floor in a different room? Has anyone you know got a camp bed or one of those blow up ones? Failing that, can't you put a draught excluder down the middle of the bed?

I am so glad you rejected his advances. You need to keep doing this - he might even have forgotten you did last night or might even be telling himself that you were probably too tired.

One day you will look back on this and wonder what you could have seen in such a cruel, selfish man.

How are you going to afford the bills then? Have you worked out what tax credits and everything you'll get. I know he says he'll pay the mortgage but he could change his mind at some point especially if he gets a new gf. Personally I would sell the house, and both move into your own houses.