I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

Apart from all the rest that has been said, I can't get over your having to rush home to cook his dinner and being told off about the state of the surfaces, when you work full-time and he is at home all day.

He sounds very absorbing. He wants you to give up your social life and then walks out on you at a moment's notice, leaving without friends or anything else that would see you through his abandonment.

So what if he does your taxes for you.

I had a terrible evening. My partner pretty much gave me a list of my faults full throttle. To be fair I don't think he set out to do this but this is what the conversation turned into. Apparently my values - which are principally around not having the same concern about belongings are different to his.

He told me that he has pointed things out like my son marking a new carpet, three times, and I didn't put it right. Apparently the only way I do listen is if he ends up shouting at me. I don't do anything. I cook tea and sit down and put the television on. I don't initiate things in the house - e.g. Starting some decorating, this is true. Why not?

Regarding the issue with me hitting the sleeper the night before going into hospital. Apparently this was the fifth time I had hit this , I hadn't counted the number of time,s but I am obviously careless, and it was the fact that I kept on doing it that made him so cross. Regarding being at hospital with me, he says that I should look at what he did i.e. He did stay with me, not what he said, which was he threatened not to be there. It was because he was so cross with me.

Spoke with a couple of close friends. I feel like I am turning into a different person. I was on my own before I met my partner. In my own house with my son. I did everything, I organised redecorating the house, put in a new boiler, got the drive redone. Why haven't I done it here? Something is wrong.
I have actually said out loud to my girlfriends that I can't carry on. I have turned the corner.

I'm so sorry, OP. He sounds really awful.

he has pointed things out like my son marking a new carpet, three times, and I didn't put it right. Apparently the only way I do listen is if he ends up shouting at me. I don't do anything. I cook tea and sit down and put the television on. I don't initiate things in the house - e.g. Starting some decorating, this is true. Why not?

FFS. What a sorry excuse for a human being.

He sounds bitter and jealous of your son. Get rid have a nice life with your son who will come home to see you from uni.

And the positive:
He tells me sometimes that I look good. i.e. you look lovely, when I get dressed up
He is very proud of how well I have done in terms of losing weight and starting running. He was encouraging and until recently ran with me.
He has been there when I have been getting upset about my sons behaviour. He has comforted me.
He supported me through my mums cancer and death
He has listened to me banging on about issues at work and has helped me make sense of things and see a way through.
So, back to being confused. There are a number of positive aspects

No, sorry, random strangers can be nice to you too. This man is being nice to you at times, but horrible at others. You don't initiate decorating etc because you work full time. There is no positive here, sorry.

PLEASE QUIETLY CHECK OVER THE FINANCES. Make sure everything is as it should be.

Hi Poppysquad sorry to hear you've had a tough night.

It's really good to hear the positives of your relationship - although as someone else pointed out, if men like your DP and my Ex-DP were all bad all the time, we'd be long gone well before now.

In terms of your conversation last night - did your DP acknowledge that his threatening not to be around for you after your biopsy was hurtful to you? Did he acknowledge that it was wrong of him to say and act in such a way? Did he say sorry for this and do you think he meant it?

In my opinion, given that you work full time, then rush home to cook your DP's tea to his time-table, you are entitled to sit down afterwards with the TV on. You will be tired and need to rest. It's up to you if your energy levels are such that you want to do anything more active in the evenings - not him.

Thanks to ongoing - and sometimes uncomfortable, often sad - reflection, I am now beginning to understand that in my own case, acceptance of my Ex-DP's controlling behaviour was rooted in my childhood. Then I witnessed my mother controlling and verbally abusing my father, often violently, almost daily. It was my normal. It was what I knew so even though it felt bad being with Ex-DP once his need to control really started to kick in (5-6 months into the relationship, once we he started to co-habit) there was a certain awful comfort in the familiarity of it.

I feel like I am turning into a different person. I was on my own before I met my partner. In my own house with my son. I did everything, I organised redecorating the house, put in a new boiler, got the drive redone. Why haven't I done it here? Something is wrong.

Can you think why this might be?

One more thing: when I realised that things needed to change big time in my former relationship, I told myself daily that I needed to be stronger than I had ever been before - and that there was an invisible boundary between me and him which, no matter what he did or said, he could no longer get through it. This allowed me to protect myself from his wounding words, and, crucially, to stop reacting to his emotional agenda all the time and to start setting my own.

My partner pretty much gave me a list of my faults full throttle
My response to that would be 'if you find me so objectionable why don't you do us both a favour and fuck off'
Seriously, just accept that you're not compatible any more and go your separate ways, my prediction is that you'll be much happier and he.....well who even fuckjng cares about him the grumpy old bastard

You are only 56 - do you really want To live like this for the rest of you life.

It all sounds so depressing.

Hi Blessedbrianblessed. No he did not acknowledge this was wrong or apologise. He justified it by saying that that it was 5th time I had hit that sleeper and each time he had had to move it back, and it is really heavy. He was truly angry with me for being so careless and thoughtless as he had spent ages putting it right – and he has! It was an accident, it was careless
He said that what he said and what he actually did were different. He said he would not be there but was actually there for me in the end, he did wait for me, all day as it took a while for the anaesthetic to wear off and the hospital wouldn’t release me.
He has not said sorry. I get the impression that he thinks that he was rightfully justified.

Re: turning into a different person.

I am really unsure about this. He has started all the projects in the house and garden. He really puts his heart and soul into it and he does do a great job. The house is lovely. I don’t know if I have just left him to take the lead and get on with things – passively, which is what he is implying. Or is it that I know that I possibly know that I won’t do things right or start things in the wrong way.

He tells me that he sees the things that aren’t right in the house every day because he is at home so he is more motivated to get things sorted.

My friend has just told me the same about gaining strength : I need to be stronger. I need that barrier that you mention. I am getting there, but I’m not there yet. Yesterday when he refused to discuss things anymore – saying, this conversation ends now. I just picked up my bag and drove off to a friend’s house, came home late and I’ve not seen him since.

this conversation ends now.

Grief, this was exactly what my stbxh would say.

I met my ex when I was a highly successful confident single mum, overtime my confidence eroded.Its insidious, the berrating or eye rolls just wears you down.

I think you don't initate because you don't feel part of a team..does he really respect your opinions? Can be compromise?

're the sleeper, it's either in the wrong place or you are now so frightened about it that it causes you to panic and hit it.

Ifnot, most mums don't choose this situation, it's not black & white..especially if you have teens as they do cross the line at times and often conflicts can be parenting differences which happens in non step families.Its only after a pattern and a period of time that the situation becomes clear.The OP has said she has a good relationship with her son and I think we should rely on her judgement.

this conversation ends now
You might want to use the same phrase when he starts belly aching on about things that he doesn't like

It really doesn't matter if he tells you that you look nice and encourages you to lose weight (if that's what you want), and listens to you when you've had a bad day at work etc. This is kind of the bare minimum you would expect from a relationship. So when you get confused about the 'good' things he does, just think most guys do that, but they also don't do all the other awful things he does, so in no way does it make up for it.
It sounds like he thinks you should be 'grateful' that he's with you, and holds things over (such as the threat of leaving). He thinks you would be completely useless without him, but look how well you managed until you met him!

Even the positives are controlling, of how you look and how you feel

He sounds frankly neurotic and in his value system a house and garden are there to be served by the inhabitants, not the other way round.

I feel like I am turning into a different person. I was on my own before I met my partner. In my own house with my son. I did everything, I organised redecorating the house, put in a new boiler, got the drive redone. Why haven't I done it here? Something is wrong.
Because whatever you did wouldn't be good enough for old misery guts and you'd get a telling off for it not being good enough, or the right way or something. "This conversation ends now"? How DARE he????? He will wear you away to a shadow, nervous, self-doubting, always anticipating his reaction. So what if he tells you that you look nice? I'D probably tell you you look nice if I met you! You are only 56 - but then you'll be 60 and then 65 and on and on it will go. And one other thing - my blood is BOILING that you hurry home from work to cook an early dinner because he likes to eat early. Grrrr.

You most probably haven't done anything about the house etc because it wouldn't be good enough, ever! Controlling and manipulative people like to do exactly what it says on the tin! They control you and your emotions by manipulating the way in which you see the world. If someone spends all their time telling you that you are a failure then you start to feel like a failure whether it's true or not. With that sort of energy draining soul crushing sadness comes an unwillingness to put yourself in a position for more of the same treatment so you withdraw and stop doing things that he can criticise you over.

We needed a new kitchen so we went to a showroom and had them come out to kitchen. He wanted an island kitchen, the planner said sorry your room isn't wide enough to put in an island without loosing one whole wall of units. Stbxh wouldn't have it, but wouldn't come with me after the first 2 we went to and kept telling me to go somewhere else get it done by someone different, in the end I had it planned by 7 different firms (it got embarrassing how many I went to) all who said the same. After 18 months, DD1 said come on mum we will sort it and we went back to the first firm had it planned without an island and fetched the plans home and said this would be great. He hardly looked at the plans said 'do what you want' (on my own I would have just left it there but DD1 said ok and we went ahead). When it was all fitted including all the things he had specified he had to have (other than the damn island) it looked lovely when it was finished I asked him what he thought and said it does look lovely doesn't it, he turned and said it's nothing to do with me I just paid for it and walked off. This sounds ridiculous but he took all the joy out of it. It was like being constantly squashed.

It got so bad that everything in the house had to be chosen by him (sofa, fitted bedroom furniture, even the bloody pans, crockery and glasses in the kitchen) and if I liked something he would deliberately change his mind and chose something else.

Arghhhh. This is agony.

There are thoughts running through my head.

Have I just let him take the lead on getting on with things in the house because I was submissive - and he doesn't want me to be? That's why he is so frustrated with me for not initiating things. Am I just so pathetic?

your not pathetic your just beaten down and walking on eggshells
as a pp^^ said check your finance situation and either kick him out or take your son and go yourselves, you deserve a much happier situation than living with that git will give you

Poppy, don't focus on his complaints of you..couples who live together adopt certain roles, sometimes discussed other times it happens naturally.You said you take responsibility for cooking and he takes responsibility for house projects.You work full time so seems totally reasonable.

Imagine you were feeling overwhelmed with domestic chores would you start listing his faults or approach it's constructively?

I doubt he's overwhelmed however he's just a blamer..he cant have a problem without it being someone fault.

My ex listed my misdeamours, all trivial stuff a "normal" relationship would just ignore..at the same time he insisted I had to accept him for who he was.
At the time I didn't even see the irony as too busy justifying my mistakes..leaving a paint brush out - terrible person that I am!

It's important you don't turn yourself inside out and doubt yourself.Just know you are not a bad person.

You are walking on eggshells as he makes it very clear what behaviour he finds acceptable..do you really want to have to try so hard to make this relationship work?
Trust you are considerate and a good person but that's not enough for him.

Dearest Poppy. It's not you, it's him.

Uh-oh... he's an accountant. He's been organising your finances, and many alarm bells are ringing here for me. Please, please gather together as many financial and legal documents as you can, and make appointments to see another accountant, an independent financial adviser, and a good solicitor as soon as possible. It's time to find out exactly where you stand, and don't let him find out what you are doing.

poppy - have I understood correctly that he is retired and you are at work every day?

Then of course he should be taking on the reorganising of the garden etc... what else has the old misery got to do with his time? It's not as if he is cooking delicious meals for when you get in after all!!

You are not pathetic, he is. I can't believe a grown man is expecting you to cut your day short to come home from work and cook his tea.

If you ignore everything else- and you shouldn't- how does that seem to you? He has insidiously bent you to his expectations, and is getting sweaty now when you balk at it.

IfNot

I can't very bothered to read past the first page. If this isn't a wind up, and I hope it is, then I just despair at the seemingly endless parade of women on here willing to throw their, and more importantly their children's, lot in with a total arse hole.

You are entitled to your opinion, as we all are, but may I respectfully suggest that if you can't show a little more empathy and compassion for someone who is clearly going through a very tough time then please just shut the fuck up.