I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

What your son said is enough for me.19 or 9 any person that makes your child feel that they are the problem when it's abundantly clear it's not would be the nail in the coffin. You risk losing your relationship with your son if he feels staying away may help mitigate your partners ridiculous behaviour.

Much love

So he's sorted out your finances has he ? Sounds to me like you need to get someone independent to look through his sorting

Almost like he wanted the money and is unhappy that you came with it people in love don't do this to each other

Next time he goes pack up some of his stuff and hand it to him instead of letting him come back.google covert narcissist

I bet he backs down. This is classic abuse he's trying to make you choose your job or him. Your son or him. He's slowly removing all means to your independence don't do it

Instead get some counselling as to why you're so hooked on this man or you'll end up a shell of your former self

What Acrossthepond said, in a nutshell.

Distance yourself emotionally from this controlling, emotionally draining man. It won't get better and when you are retired it will get worse. See a solicitor and take paperwork with you to see what needs to be done and where you stand financially.

What do you think his reaction would be if you told him you wanted to end the relationship? This is very important. If you are worried about this in any way, end it when your son is there to support you.

I am going through all this with two DC under four. Split with my emotionally abusive ex last year and police have been involved numerous times since then. It's only started to get better now but it is a long hard road, I won't lie. But my life now is a million times better than being with someone as unsupportive as my ex, I am free to make my own decisions and no longer feel like I am walking on eggshells. I really think you will be happier without your partner. From what you write - you cannot fix this. You will just become more stressed and more miserable.

This morning I am having a bit of a wobble. Everything can't be as bad as I set out last night all of the time, otherwise life would be totally unbearable. There have been good times, things we enjoy doing together. Walking in the mountains, going out for meals. He's given me lovely presents. He has helped my friend with her DIY. We organised our wills when we moved in together and he has left his estate to my son.

He says he just thinks that we don't spend enough time together and he wants to be able to leave his stuff around without it being 'interfered ' with i.e. My son does not use / break his things or allow friends to sleep in what my partner calls his bed - sorry this was confusing earlier. It's my partners bed and when we went away, my son allowed some friends to sleep in it, even though he was asked not to.

It all sounds so reasonable. Nothing sinister.

I am so confused. Is he this reasonable person? Or a manipulator? My head jumps from one to the other. He seems so calm and credible. Looking at your posts you see him as controlling. He has certainly said some nasty things. And I worry that this could just happen again.

You don't need a reason to end a relationship that isn't working, but you have lots of reasons here! No sex, constant walking egg shells, your self esteem destroyed and by the sounds of it your son's too!

You are not happy and your son is asking "is it my fault". He threatened to not be there when you had cancer treatment because of something trivial.
That is enough!

Stop trying to rationalise away your own feelings. They are real and they matter.

Hi Poppysquad it is more than likely that he will get worse the older he gets. I'm sure you have spoken to your son & reassured him "it's not his fault." Do you have any friends or hobbies or has he sabotaged these? Keep working and try to bring some fun into your life. He sounds like a right bloody kill joy!!!! Take care

Thanks for the reassurance. We do have a lovely home that he has really put his heart and sole into, but I have to keep remembering the nastiness.
If I get a few minutes over a cup of coffee at work today I'll browse through Rightmove. Look at houses to rent.

There's no sign of him this morning. It's his birthday. I have bought him a card and a small present. Nothing grand. He is totally on his own. No family - just a distant cousin. Few close friends.

It sounds as though your son is being damaged by this relationship even though he is 19. This man sounds like poison. Get out of there before he gets even more controlling. You are lucky you have the finances to do it. Don't even think about it, just go. In time you will sell the house and have a decent life without this creep.

Your boy is fucking miserable. It's time to put him first.

Hi Mary1935. Yes I have reasssured my son. I have some good friends. Hobby wise it's limited, we do things together like walking, but there are lots of things I'd like to do.

This individual targeted you and he is a master manipulator.

A good description of him would be "street angel, house devil".

Throw away his card and give his present to the charity shop. He deserves nothing.

All this person now deserves is your marching orders. You have had 4 1/2 years of him controlling you throughout and your son probably wonders what you have seen in this individual at all.

He has not been supportive at all; he has basically seen you as his project to improve further. He has really put you in a cage her of his own paranoid making.

What is your own relationship history like?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Those questions also need your serious consideration in the long run.

You will lose the relationship altogether with this son if this individual remains in your life. Is that really what you want for your son and for you?. I would sincerely hope that you put your son and you first now.

And what AcrossthePond wrote earlier to you as well.

My former partner - late 50s, no kids - was extremely jealous of my children, especially my late teen son. It was very sad and quite horrible, as all my kids had accepted him, and liked him, in the early days at least, because they thought he made me happy. It got so that he would get angry even if one of my kids called me on the phone for a quick chat, let alone the time we spent together.

I flipped myself over and over and inside out to try to make it work for us all. But I couldn't because it was him who was being awful and slowly but surely, doing his utmost to drive a real wedge between me and my kids. It didn't work, thankfully, because my children and I are strong and kind and honest with each other, but I shudder to think what my future would have been liked had I chosen to stay with him.

I am not too long out of the relationship and I understand that it is hard to leave, because men like him manage to twist our thinking to make us question ourselves and think is it something that we have done or said, or not done or said, that is causing difficulties in the relationship. But it isn't. Your DPs sense of entitlement and selfishness is what's destroying any good things you have / had between you. Anyone - let alone your partner - who can leave you going through a biopsy without knowing if he would be there when you woke up is a pig - I cannot believe how cruel that was. And yet I can, because I have experienced similar levels of emotional cruelty from my Ex-DP too. But hey, I'm over that now. And you can be too.

And you know what? The end of this relationship is not your loss. It's his. He could have had you and a great relationship with your son. Leopards do not change their spots and he is too old and too entrenched in his ways to do anything about his. He faces a lonely future which is of his making. You do not. You have your son, and friends / family.

Please put yourself and your son first. This man does not deserve either of you.

You sound very reasonable and I am sure he has brought some benefits into your life.

What is his relationship history?

Even if you don't label him abusive or controlling then he most certainly is a difficult man to live with, he's highly intolerant of issues most people could brush off and this alone makes you walk on eggshells.

I do think it will get worse, traits such as his often harden as he gets older and I think his unpredictability means you are unsure if he will be there for you in the event of illness.It will depend on how he feels at the time, if he has been annoyed by something that most people would feel is trivial.

I think if your son leaves to go to Uni he's likely to ramp up his intolerance of you as he's just doesn't seem capable of processing his negative emotions which means he will always find fault with others and be unpredictable.

I guess when he is completely in control of his environment and is doing what he enjoys he feels happy..However life isn't like that, when you share a home you have to accommodate others, I suspect he can't do this, it literally is not possible for him.

If he has no insight to his behaviour then it will never get better..only worse as the list of "offences" your son and you committed will build in his mind.

It's telling that he doesn't have close friends however not surprising at all.

Oh and Poppysquad - the 'he's totally on his own' bit. My Ex-DP was exactly the same. No family (plenty in the locality where he lives, but all long estranged from him). Few close friends - and with all of those he was in the position of controller, too. I used to feel very sorry for him. But in the months before I left I began to wonder why this was, and then the penny dropped - he's on his own because his horrible personality means he is unable to have a proper, reciprocal relationship / friendship with anyone. And it is not your job, or anyone else's for that matter, job to fix him. You've offered him love, friendship, companionship for a long period of time - but he is unable or unwilling to see it and appreciate it for what it really is. Please don't feel guilty or responsible about this. This is why so many caring, loving, lovely women (and men, too) can fall victim to men (and women) like your DP and my ex-DP - because we think we can / should help them. But is he helping you too? Is the love and support reciprocal? From what you have said here, I think absolutely not. You've given it more than enough time.

He controls you with his constant threats of leaving/ letting you down.
This sound such a troublesome relationship. Yes he has done things for you, but the basic premis between adults is that they will take responsibility for their actions and feelings.
If t were me I would leave him and preserve relationships with my son.

It's not 'his' bed. It's 'our' bed. Or it should be. Just this tells me he's possessive over things and people.

And the things he does - tax returns and gardening...don't tell me you couldn't do those yourself if he wasn't there. He's just taken them on because he enjoys them, not to help you.

Next time he strops and threatens to leave because you didn't wipe the surface properly- tell him since heysuch a fucking expert he can do it himself. For the rest of his life. And leave.

He sounds like my step dad who also moved in with my mum when I was about your sons age. That was years ago and I hate how he treats my mum. It's also led to my mum being more isolated from her children since he makes it so awkward when any of us come to visit (hundred of rules and if day one accidentally breaks one he will be punishing my mum for it for weeks after). She isn't happy but because he is now in ill health doesn't feel like she can leave. You need to run now before it's too late...

And it's really awkward because we all live far away but have children. I know my mum would love to see her grandchildren more often, but he makes it hard for her to come and visit us and visits to them with a toddler are really stressful because I know that he is waiting for something to go wrong. And I am not talking about the toddler being really disruptive - I always try to treat other peoples houses with respect but, for example, I moved a glass bowl on a coffee table a bit further back out of the two year olds reach and forgot to move it back (I am talking about a distance of 20cm) and later heard him going on and on to my mum about "who the fuck has moved this". It means even when he isn't there I can't relax and talk to my mum because I am trying to restrain the toddler from touching anything. I completely accept my mums right to be with who she wants but... I miss her :(

now in ill health doesn't feel like she can leave. You need to run now before it's too late...
As he gets older he'll lean on you more and more, and the more He needs you the more he'll tighten his grip
Imagine what he'll be like if there are any grandchildren

I really feel for you Poppysquad - it's not easy when you see for the first time with clarity the huge gulf between what you'd like your DP to be all the time - and how he is. And you clearly love your son and want the best for him.

I too had some lovely presents from my Ex-DP, he left me everything in his will, and we had some nice holidays too, although he would go with my children under mega-duress, which was took much of the shine off things.

But I realised over time that even the good things were absolutely all on his terms - he really was not prepared to compromise or meet me on things half way very much, if at all.

And when he did, then I knew, like Charlotteswigwam's mother, that I would pay for it, for sure, at some later date. He'd store things up and moan and moan about them. It was awful and it got to the point of me expecting such behaviour from him. He was training me to expect - and accept such. But I realised that I would not accept this from anyone else, so why should I from the person who was supposed to love and cherish me more than anyone? It was heartbreaking, but that was the reality of things. He simply was not the wonderful, kind, loving man he had purported to be at the start of our relationship. It was a front to snare me. And boy, it did - because when the mask started to slip, of course, I blamed myself for sooooo long. But it was not me at all - it was him.

The thing is, if he's like this now, what is he going to be like if things take a turn for the worse? Say if, God forbid, you or your son were seriously ill? Could you, in your heart of hearts, say to yourself that you could really rely on him to be there for you both in every way? If you can say yes to that question, then you may still have a good future with your DP. But if you honestly can't say yes to that, then please do think very carefully about what you do next.

He may have willed his estate to your son but a will can be changed at the drop of a hat, could be just a bargaining chip to make you feel as if you are benefiting from the partnership

I feel sorry for your son, you are putting your future relationship with him at risk by staying with your partner who you have to tread on eggshells for, that is no way to live.

Also does your son actually care about inheriting his money? I doubt my sf has left me anything but I wouldn't want it if he had. Plus... you seem to be mentioning the inheritance as a gesture of your partners good will- but when you think about it it doesn't cost him anything does it? He hasn't got anyone else to leave it to, and he will be dead when the money is passed on.