I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

Another top post blessed

PoppySquad

You are not pathetic. You are a brave and competent woman, mother and worker who has been sucked into a destructive relationship, slowly but surely, by a man who loves no-one but himself.

Try to start building up that emotional resilience. Put some boundaries in place, in your head and your heart. If you can, visualise a sort of protective Ready Brek-style glow around your body and don't let anything he says or does get beyond that. It works. Trust me.

You are a strong person who has done your level best to have a decent relationship with a man - who I am sad to say - just does not deserve you or your son. Or any woman, for that matter.

He has not said sorry. I get the impression that he thinks that he was rightfully justified.

This is the killer blow for me. His behaviour towards you over the biopsy, as I have said previously, was monstrous. There is no getting away from that and nothing, but nothing, justifies his cruel treatment of you at that time. And it just chills me that he will not acknowledge the hurt he has caused you, or apologise for it.

This man does not have your best interests at heart. Or your son's. Can you spend the rest of your life with someone like that? I know I would not want to. And, as so many others on here have said already, he will drive a wedge between you and your son, destroying perhaps the most valuable relationship in your life and all the potential that it holds. Please don't let him do this to you both. Your son may be 19 and off to Uni soon but you are his mum. You only get one mum and you're more precious to him that you will ever know.

Please listen to your gut instincts - I think you know already that you have to end this relationship - but it's just gathering the courage to do it. I know, I have been there. But I have done it - and my life is now truly a million times better without the controlling, selfish, immature, stupid dope I hooked myself up with for far too long.

Keep talking to your friends, be honest with yourself and them and make time for yourself and your son. Check your finances and make sure they are in order so that you do not miss out on what is rightfully yours.. Get your son's exams out the way and then ask your DP to leave once and for all. And if he won't, then you two go.

Thank you Arkengarthdale

It's so reaffirming hearing from you, thanks for your support. I hadn't realised how widespread this type of situation is.

My son and I had a lovely chat last night and I reassured him. I've told him where I am looking to live and I will either buy, once this house is sold, or rent a house for us.

Tonight on the way home from work I decided I would take the upper hand. No more nastiness. I told my partner that he could be lovely, kind and supportive - which he can be. If there is any hint of the nastiness starting I will use one of his tricks and stone wall him. I will walk away.
He told me that he was sorry too. Sorry for hurting me. I thought he was apologising for all the s* he has put me through. But no - he meant sorry for breaking off the relationship. Cheecky bastard. I made it clear to him that he wasn't the only one breaking off the relationship.

I need to get my sons A levels sorted and then we are off - one way or another.
And I am going to see a counsellor.

I know it's going to be tough and upsetting but so has being in the relationship.

Sorry you've got all this deal with.

But also- go you! Such a positive place to reach. Even if also sad and complicated.

But , you know what, the positive in reaching a place of 'no more! I want better' , it outlasts the negative.
Shutting your own front door, when there's harmony in your home, is the best feeling.

Well done, OP. We all understand that it is not easy.

Well done op. You are doing the right thing - stay strong. We are thinking of you on here.

I've just read some of the earlier posts and Charlotteswigwam your post has just helped emphasise what life could be like in the future if I don't go. Cut off from any family. I only have the one son and the idea of not seeing him, and hopefully the family he will have in the future, fills me with dread. It's very sad and I can't imagine what it must be like living your mums life. Thank you for sharing this. It will help me to get through this.

I can't get past the fact that he's at home all day, pottering around, playing with the garden etc, and you're out working, and he doesn't even think of having tea waiting for you when you get in. Instead, the first thing you have to do is cook for him. I moan about my ex in a lot of ways but if I came in all knackered he'd make me a cup of tea and then sort out dinner. That's what partners do for each other, isn't it? Never mind supportive words. Words are cheap.

The only thing I will say I sympathise with your "D"P about is the issue of coming home to find some random bugger has helped themselves to my bed and my stuff. I'd go ape over that. Your son sounds like a sweetie and not at all bad for his age but that is a bit of a liberty. The rest of it though, like dropping stuff on the carpet, that's going to happen when human beings live in a house. And, er, does the sleeper have to be in that precise spot, if someone keeps running into it? Wouldn't it be a good idea to rearrange the driveway a bit rather than falling out every time someone fails to negotiate the obstacle? If you do it often it's obviously in an awkward place. Another thing XH was right about was when he said "don't be dictated to by things". If a thing is a problem, change the thing, not yourself.

Hell, your partner has to be bad if I'm favourably comparing XH to him!

Thanks annie he is furious about the bed, but to me, it's a bed. He holds his things in such high esteem, and the truth is, I am a lot more relaxed.
I am having another major wobble. My son won't get up this morning. Although originally he said he'd be up by eight. He was late home last night and did not sleep well. He has an exam on Monday and still needs to do some last minute revision.
He really doesn't have a lot of self discipline if he gets an offer to go out, he will go out.

My partner says that my son is lazy, deceitful and selfish. He can be sometimes. To me, he's 19 and I am forgiving and trust that he will emerge from this teenage stage.
I am heading off out to friends. Feeling very insecure again.

Please don't stress about your son and exam revision Poppysquad He's 19 and old enough to make his own choices in life. You are supporting him by encouraging him to study - but I'd leave it at that if I were you. While he will always be your son he's now an adult male with his own life in his own hands.

Teenagers - gorgeous creatures that they are - have their own unique ways of challenging us parents

He'll be just fine whatever happens with his exams just as long as he knows he's loved, listened to (not necessarily agreed with all the time, of course), respected for who he is, and welcomed.

Concentrate on yourself and what you need. You can take it as read that if you are unhappy then it will bother your son. But if you are happy then he will be happy for you, and with you.

It's normal to feel anxious about your children, especially as they approach important times like exams at ages where you can do little but watch and hope.

Normally your partner would offer help and support. Yours makes you even more on edge.

Even if he was 100% right about your son, which I doubt, it makes bugger all difference. He has still not been a good partner.

Exactly what Rabbit said.

Poppy,
Your partner doesn't have his own children and so is viewing your son's behaviour through the eyes of a childless and emotionally illiterate man. Please don't let his views make you feel insecure. Most of us understand that 19 year olds can be selfish, thoughtless and self sabotaging at times and we as parents continue to love them and chivvy them through this (with a mix of tough love and exasperation) But that's very different from this man's cold gaze and fury.
I've read your whole thread and understand how hard it is as we get older to have to confront that we've picked 'a wrong un'. All that investment in creating a new life with someone who turns out to be toxic. I felt such a failure. BUT.... once I'd grappled with the 'sunken costs fallacy' and understood that my crap choice of man was never going to make me happy in my old age, I was able to dump him. And I haven't regretted it.
You sound so lovely and he sounds so petty and cold and punitive. I hope that you find the strength to kick him and his uncaring attitude out of your life.

My partner says that my son is lazy, deceitful and selfish
wtf, I mean come on, how to win friends and influence people
NOT!

When my son was at that age I had a partner who had no kids of his own, I'm sure he found my son challenging at times but he'd never run him down to me like that, I would have been furious and would have defended my son against him.

My partner remembered how he felt at that age so was able to find some empathy

let the grumpy old b@stard rot on his own

Thanks Peaceout and enoughisenough appreciated. It was a wobble.

I've been out with friends today who all confirm that my son is no worse, or better, than most 19 year old boys. The problem is my partners intolerance of him.

Charlotteswigwam I was really sorry to hear about your mum. Do you ever talk to her about this? is the house in both their names, could she afford to move away from him?

Night she want to?

scrolling123 I am so glad to read your life is so much better now.

Poppy "I have actually said out loud to my girlfriends that I can't carry on. I have turned the corner."

I am so glad to hear this.

"Have I just let him take the lead on getting on with things in the house because I was submissive - and he doesn't want me to be? That's why he is so frustrated with me for not initiating things. Am I just so pathetic?"

You are not at all pathetic, either you are not planning things because:
You work full time and he doesn't
You know he will not like your plans
It's not as much of a priority for you
You are not home so often to see the house
You know you do not really want to be there with him

"Tonight on the way home from work I decided I would take the upper hand. No more nastiness. I told my partner that he could be lovely, kind and supportive - which he can be. If there is any hint of the nastiness starting I will use one of his tricks and stone wall him. I will walk away."

Yay! Great.

"And I am going to see a counsellor." You need empowering. Great,

"I know it's going to be tough and upsetting but so has being in the relationship." You can do it.

Rabbit, enough, peaceout and so many others have written so much common sense.

And blessedbrianblessed is spot on that people should not come on to slate posters and make cruel and thoughtless comments.

And that ... "His behaviour towards you over the biopsy, as I have said previously, was monstrous. There is no getting away from that and nothing, but nothing, justifies his cruel treatment of you at that time. And it just chills me that he will not acknowledge the hurt he has caused you, or apologise for it."

We all make all kinds of mistakes and often want to make the best of a bad job! Sometimes we can do this. We can make something work when we thought it was not going to.

However, when we are talking about something very important like the person you will spend the rest of your life with, I really feel that it is important to seriously consider what this means. Will this mean you are alienated from your only child? Will this mean you never again get to experience sex or affection? Will this mean that your own career and earning potential are curtailed so you can be at home to take care of this man?

"My son won't get up this morning. Although originally he said he'd be up by eight. He was late home last night and did not sleep well. He has an exam on Monday and still needs to do some last minute revision.

He really doesn't have a lot of self discipline if he gets an offer to go out, he will go out."

Sounds pretty normal to me.

He says that the sex issue is down to his age.

Well, I can't speak for men of course but at the age of 62 I'm just as much into sex as I was at the age of 22, 32, 42, 52......

He sounds awful and you are getting some brilliant advice on here.

Keep going with your plans to get yourself and DS away from this man Poppy

Someone who loves you doesn't merrily give you a character assassination and then tell you that you don't do enough working and cooking and cleaning doesn't count??

If you've done it all before on your own, you can do it again and I bet you'd feel more motivated and interested when it was yours to do what you please without his "helpful" advice.

He is totally on his own and I wonder why that is

He sounds like if you make a mistake (in his eyes) he will rub your nose in it like you're a disobedient dog.
I don't like the sound of him but I do wish your son the best of luck with his exams, and you for getting rid of this oxygen thief.

Poppy, you need to take some action! I finished with my controlling ex yesterday, the same attitude, expects me to cook and clean every day, he has raged, shouts at me even in a public place, he spends lots of time on social media and on the phone chatting and flirting with other women.

For sure, your son's presence maybe stopping him from getting physical, once your son goes to university, he might get physical with you and you will start convincing yourself that you pushed him into hitting you. Stop making excuses for his behaviour, being in a relationship is a two-way thing, helping each other and sharing moments not making life miserable or walking on eggshells.

You're 56 years old, do you really want to live like that for rest of your life? Life is too short to be in a relationship where you are not appreciated or loved. Do you not deserve happiness?

Leave the man and spare your own son some happiness later on in his life.

More reflection: I think one issue that has impacted on things is my lack of ability to deal with my son when there have been issues. I did ask my son not to let anyone sleep in my partners bed. But he allowed it. I did not jump up and down and shout at him or tell him that here would be consequences and follow through. My partner thinks I should. He thinks the fact that there hasn't been this discipline in my sons life has led him to be the person he is now.

Feeling totally rubbish

I am going to quote HappenedforaRiesling's comment here in response to your post OP:-

"He sounds like if you make a mistake (in his eyes) he will rub your nose in it like you're a disobedient dog". That is what he is doing here with regards to your son.

You were targeted and deliberately so by this man, of that I have no doubt whatsoever. He sensed something within you that he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends.

Do not fall into the sunken costs fallacy; that will simply cause you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Do seek out a counsellor; BACP are good and do not charge the earth. I would also suggest that you consider what you have learnt about relationships whilst growing up as well.