I feel so mixed up. Is this controlling?

[Poppysquad]

I am sorry, a bit of a saga.

I have been with my partner for four and a half years and we bought a house together about eighteen months ago. I have a son of 19, who lives with me, he is re-sitting his a levels at the moment. My partner has never had children.
Over our initial twelve months together he broke off our relationship twice. The first time we tried again, the second time it happened I did not contact him and left him alone and after time he came back.
There have been moments - when we took my son and a friend on holiday he told me that he would come home if the kids misbehaved. I ended up telling him that I couldn't guarantee their behaviour and I would rather go on my own. He was fine in the end.Since we have moved in probably every three months, he gets cross and threatens that he will leave. A number of these times are as a result of something my son has done e.g. allowed someone to sleep in his bed, i.e.the bed he brought into the house when we moved in, or using his speaker and letting it overheat. Once we reach this trigger there is a series of things that he says to me, like 'what do I do for him' - and I never support him and I don't do anything, I just come home from work and put the telly on. Just after Christmas we narrowed down the trigger for the rage as being the fact that I did not wipe down the work surfaces sufficiently.
It has built and built and just over a week ago, following a return from a weekend away, when my son wiped the table with bacterial spray and removed the wax and, so my partner says, allowed someone to sleep in his bed again, he just walked out of the house. Taking nothing with him. He just left. He stayed in a number of hotels for three nights. He called each day. Sometimes he seemed cross that I was not falling apart without him.
Then he came home! And here he is in the house, sleeping in the spare room, and I really don't know where I stand.
In terms of the controlling, I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired.
He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home.
He is with me all the time. If a girl friend calls in, he just stays and joins in the conversation. I don't get anytime on my own.
He tuts and roles his eyes if I make a stupid mistake like dropping something,
He is critical of my driving and I have lost confidence in my ability to reverse completely.On the night before I went into hospital for a cancer biopsy with general anesthetic I knocked over a sleeper in the garden with my car. A silly accident and something I've done probably four times before. He had fixed this and I had broken it again. He was so cross with me that he said that he would stay with my during the biopsy, but he would not be here the following day. So, if the specialist had said that there could be an issue, he was saying he wouldn't be there. All because of a piece of wood. I was shocked.
He says that my son is a lazy s**t, who is totally inconsiderate. He is, to be fair, a typical self centred 19 year old. But he really is not a bad kid.
If I moan about how my son is behaving he tells me that basically it's my own fault as I had bought him up.
I don't know. This just sounds like a rant. I do know that I don't feel that things are right. I am worried that the nastiness could escalate. He is now in the house again, and I don't know what I want I happen. Do I want him to stay or not? Do I want a relationship with him or not?
Help ! Does anyone have any views?

My son really does not care one bit about any inheritance.

It's good to hear from you who have been through similar things - thank you. And thanks to the rest of you - the message is clear from the posts and I am still struggling internally. I feel exhausted.

My friends, who know him, have said that he's a really lovely bloke. They don't like what they hear about the various episodes of anger. They have suggested that he is possibly just overly concerned about his processions.

He does have a lovely exterior. He is very attentive when we are out together. He does hug me and give me a kiss on the forehead - he outwardly demonstrates his affection. He says that the sex issue is down to his age.

The day before he left - he rolled over in bed and said 'have I told you how much I love you?' the next day, after we got home and my son had had obviously had his friends over while we were away
, he just left.

I am confused. In my world if you love someone that is the over-riding factor, you forgive, you accept the differences etc. He says that loving someone is not enough. You have to be able to live with them

I am expected to cook tea every night even though I work full time in a demanding job and my partner is at home and retired. He likes to eat early so I feel under pressure to make sure I am home in time if I've stopped on my way home
You're a live in maid....if he's not working and you are then he should be doing the domestic work, I would stop doing for him and start getting a life for myself
Hobby wise it's limited, we do things together like walking, but there are lots of things I'd like to do
Do them, don't let him keep you in a cage, he's making you old before your time, hasn't it occurred to him that you might like to be sexually active?
Hasn't he heard of viagra?

He sounds too much like hard work and making everyone's life pretty miserable.
Life is too short to be putting up ith bullshit.

You work and he expects his meals to be prepared by you. He is taking the piss and you are letting him
Do yourself a favour before you are completely downtrodden and a drudge.

I have not read all of the thread but it sounds like he is a very difficult person to live with and as others have said it's likely he is set in his ways and won't change at this stage in his life. Do you think you would both be happier living apart and maybe could build a different type of relationship whilst each having own independence? Why did you decide you wanted to boy a house together? What was the relationship like before you lived together? Best wishes to you and your son you both sound lovely x

Poppysquad - I am sure you are exhausted by him and your confusion about his behaviour towards you. But that's no way to live. I know because I have done it and it sucks.

It's a cliche but actions do speak louder than words, and the majority of his actions which you describe here are of a man who is not really thinking of you, or about you, let alone loving you. He is saying the odd encouraging thing to keep you just where he wants you - I am so sorry to say this to you. But I know because I have been through so much that is similar to you myself - and it is gut-wrenchingly awful.

In my world too - if you love someone you treat them right, and yes, you accept difference, you compromise (mutually) and empathy and tolerance and compassion all play their part in a healthy relationship. But my Ex-DP and your DP are simply not on the same page. It is as simple - and as terrible - as that. Ultimately, deep down, they really don't care, because if they did then they would not behave as they do.

No-one who really loves someone else gets up and leaves their home just like that after something as trivial as an argument over beds. He is, at the very best, totally immature, and at worst, controlling and selfish.

What he is like with you and your friends? You say he says you need to spend more time together? My Ex-DP was obsessed by that, to the expense of my friendships, and some of my hobbies. We did have some great times together - but again, they were pretty much all on his terms. And sadly, ultimately it was a ploy to isolate me to make me more emotionally and practically dependent on him.

May I ask - what do you fear most? A future without your DP? Or a future with him?

There are many more gorgeous, funny, lovely, wonderful men out there, but do you know what? Being on your own can be wonderful too! I'm flying solo after a total of 22 years living with Ex-Husb then Ex-DP, and do you know what? It's bloody brilliant! Children visiting and staying whenever they want. I can do whatever I want and go where I want, when I want. And no-one sulking, shouting, accusing, moaning, being silent etc etc etc.

You need a break from him to think things through and get some perspective. Can you take some time off work and get away for a few days? Preferably with your son. Or can your son stay with a mate?

Just take your time and allow yourself space (emotional and physical) to let all your thoughts and feelings come to the fore, however mixed up and confusing they are, acknowledge them and then start to work out what you are going to do about them. You owe it to yourself. Really.

Please check your financial situation. Just check that your name is on things its supposed to be and that the bank balance you have is what you have. Then ask him to leave. Do it while you have the support of your son at home.

Great post blessedbrian

Thank you Arkengarthdale

Blessedbrianblessed – thank you for taking the time to post and for your support. I am sat at my desk in work with my lunch and feeling pretty tearful.

He tells me how much he has supported me – what he has done for me and then asks – how have I supported him? I ask how does he expect me to support him and he says – I should know….
Am I just too compliant? Do I just avoid conflict? He has said these things to me and I have not told him to get stuffed and not treat me like a young child? I am still struggling.
I am not sure that he even really cares about me. I did ask him yesterday if he loved me and he says he does but as you say, I am not sure that he does as he would be as intolerant as he has been.

The incident about cleaning the work surfaces (and kitchen floor) was about the fact that I left them dirtier than he likes and he said that I expected him to clear up after me. I didn’t. I just didn’t see the muck in the same way. We have a cleaner once a week and I will leave the floor until she comes. He couldn’t live with what he saw as a mess.

He left – he says, because all of the things escalated. It wasn’t just the incident with the bed, it was the fact that this was one of a long list of things, mostly, but not all, focussing on my son’s behaviour.

I would agree about the lack of time I have for friends and hobbies. He does say that I should go and visit one friend in particular who has been off work with stress but he wouldn’t like it if I just took off there without letting him know in advance – so that he says, he could arrange to do something else. He did say in the heat of an argument ‘I am not jealous of the fact that you took a day off work to walking with (my friend), but you don’t chose to take a day off work to help me in the garden.
What do I fear most? A future without him? Or a future with him? I don’t know but it is coming more and more down on the side of a future with him.

I like your idea of a break , a few days off. I need my son to finish his A levels first.

He did suggest yesterday that maybe we take a break away from each other. It might be a gentle way to part.

You could partially separate until you find a level of contact that works for you both, relationships don't have to be full time and cohabiting to be beneficial for both parties

He did suggest yesterday that maybe we take a break away from each other. It might be a gentle way to part.

Take him at his word, OP. Tell him that you agree. And that he should take his bloody bed with him.

You know all this stuff about work surfaces, floors etc is just an excuse, right? He is just looking for something to 'justify' his shitty attitude. To give you an extreme example from my own life...I caught my 'D'H of 20 years online dating. He said he couldn't remember why he'd signed up for it, but there was a reason. He 'remembered' (Ironically during a marriage guidance session) that the reason was that he had wanted to go owl-watching one night, and DD and I weren't up for it.... Just because your situation is not quite so ridiculous, doesn't mean it's not on the scale...He is affecting your son, as well you... Please get out, and be happy again, as I have.

compromise (mutually) , empathy and tolerance and compassion all play their part in a healthy relationship. But my Ex-DP and your DP are simply not on the same page. It is as simple - and as terrible - as that

Brianblessed, my stbxh was very similar and I have spent years trying to figure it out.I believed he thought he loved me very much BUT he couldn't be compassionate and thought compromise was giving in.He was either in control or out of control.I believe he was hardwired to be like this.He couldn't handle conflicts (just small domestic niggles to most of us) and held grudges.He brooded over incidents rather than let go so in his mind a badly wiped table became an issue of disrespect and therefore HE was being badly treated.

Its the complete opposite of "easy going" and draining to live with.Initially he worked hard to suppress those feelings but he couldn't keep it up.Outwardly he appeared charming but it's only surface level.He can't truly love anyone as he constantly feels upset and angry over stuff most people can shrug off or laugh about.

I wonder if men like this are able to live happily with anyone, I doubt it.

I would say at this point it's best not to focus on whether he's controlling or not. Rather think about your happiness. Neither of you are going to change at this time in your life in the way he wants. I think he might never be satisfied even if you tried. Your son isn't happy either. So if he says you all make him so unhappy then you should let him go. Life is too short.

Thanks Spongebob

That is really quite sad Hermonie. I can see my partner in the same light. Not being able to shrug off things, letting them fester. He has a string of relationships behind him. Most of them over a significant time, (two 10 years or more), but obviously none of them lasted. Bust just because he has issues he shouldn't take them out on me.

Poppy, Your post has helped me, 8 months separated and I often think did I try hard enough (we have dc) however seeing your post takes me back to my life then.I was frequently unhappy and drained.Read the relationship post sticky...how does your relationship with this man hold up against that criteria?
Are you accepting less than you deserve?

I'm sorry you are going through this and I suspect it because you are a compassionate person that you are struggling with the decision.

Very stressful living with someone who has to be the boss no matter what

Op - to me he sounds a bit inexperienced and immature with how to handle emotions. It might be that he is too manipulative (after all we're all manipulative at times) or it might be that he just doesn't know more modern ways of communicating.

Does he have siblings or has he only ever seen his parents behaviour? What type of relationship did they have?

Does he read? Would he be interested in finding more positive ways of communication? Would he consider counselling?

Op

You are suffering from emotional abuse in the form of his rages! He has you walking on eggshells and this is just the beginning - if you stay with him he will eventually erode your self confidence and you will be full of self doubt - much as you are now. Your inner self has already recognised his behaviour as unpleasant but his mr nice act has made you doubt yourself!!

Your poor son too - I agree that his actions were not brilliant but there is an appropriate way to handle such things and your dp, because he is dysfunctional cannot handle these things proportionately.

Life is too short, he's too old and too damaged to change his ways.

Hi Hermonie - can you help? I am not sure what you mean re Read the relationship post sticky

Poppy I think she means the top post in the Relationships topic reminding us what normal is

Ill be honest i haven't read every single reply, but just wanted to say this - i wasted 10 years of my life in a relationship that looked OK on the outside but was oppressive and controlling on the inside.
things like sleeping in separate rooms/me working and cooking and cleaning/ex dropped me off at my nan's funeral and told me that my bags would be packed on my return/constant threats of leaving/i wouldn't do any better than them etc.
I took 10 years of it, couldn't ever imagine a different life. then one day went and viewed a flat, put a deposit down, got my few things and left.
5 years later i have a lovely house, a man who truly loves me and who i truly love, and the most beautiful baby in the world.
Just do it, gather your things and move on, you will thank yourself in the future.
big loves xxx

No bad relationship is 'all bad'. If they were, we wouldn't question ourselves and we wouldn't stay. It's all about when they become 'bad enough'. Bad enough to cause questions. Bad enough to cause damage. Bad enough to leave. And it sounds as if yours is 'bad enough'. A little good doesn't outweigh the bad. It's a sop to make us question what we know deep inside.

Everything he says is geared to make you feel beholden to him. He does XX and XX and XX for you and you do 'nothing' for him. And when you say 'what do you want' he says 'you should know'. That's an absolutely classic maneuver to make you do more and more and more and subjugate what you want over and over and over because you're trying to hit on exactly what that 'you should know' IS. But you'll never know, because there is no 'you should know'. There's only the chase to try to find it that keeps you walking on eggshells and trying to anticipate his 'needs'. Even his 'we need to have a break' is a tactic to bring you to heel. Believe me, I've been there and done that. As far as leaving his estate to your son, don't think for a second that he wouldn't change it if either you or your DS stepped out of line. It's just another manipulation tactic.

Just stop. Stop.

PoppySquad You are more than welcome - I have gained so much insight and support myself through the many wise people who share on this forum during the various trials and tribulations I have had with my Ex-DP.

The more of read of what you are going through with your DP, and thinking of my own Ex-DP, they could be the same man.

That terrible sense of entitlement of his - of you effectively having to ask his permission to go and see a friend. He is crushing the spontaneity out of your life. And why? So he has you at his beck and call. So you don't have some - dare I say it? - good old fashioned fun. So you don't have the chance to breathe and actually think about your relationship away from him - even for an hour or two.

That questioning of how you are supporting him - for goodness sake! Does he think his meals cook themselves? Or the house is cleaned by itself? Not to mention all the time you spend with him. The companionship that no-one else provides him with.

He did say in the heat of an argument ‘I am not jealous of the fact that you took a day off work to walking with (my friend), but you don’t chose to take a day off work to help me in the garden. What do you do at the weekends? In the evenings? My Ex-Dp was just the same. If I took time off work to do something for one of my kids - like, say, go to a school science fair or sports day, or something like that - he'd say nothing before I went and did it, but then afterwards he'd moan 'well, when did you take time off to do something with me?' And that was despite the facts we'd go on holiday for two weeks yearly without any kids - plus all the evenings and weekends we spent alone together. It was never, ever enough.

Hermonie2016 is right. I believed he thought he loved me very much BUT he couldn't be compassionate and thought compromise was giving in.He was either in control or out of control.I believe he was hardwired to be like this.