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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do, DP could be cheating?!

102 replies

Kitty399 · 07/06/2017 08:23

Me and my DP have a 6 month old and lately I've been noticing a few 'quirks' of his, I'm starting to believe he's cheating.

It started when I was pregnant, I was in fact a little poorly during pregnancy. DP had me ALWAYS in the bedroom, I'd tell him I needed to clean and do things but no he wanted me in the bedroom, I told him I hated it being alone all day and he said he just wanted me to rest.
At night times I'd hear the camera sound go off on his iPad.

Lately it's gotten worse, I'll walk into the room and he'll quickly turn his iPad off, I've walked in before and he was on snapchat but then quickly turned it off. He's left the iPad on the couch on a snapchat and I've walked in so he's threw a pillow over it.
There's photos of him 'posing' on the iPad.

I can't sleep well because I'm pretty sure this all equal cheating.
I've asked him who he's talking to and he's basically said 'oh it's tom, you know tom, we are just talking about games'.
I've dropped so many hints and told him if I find he is cheating, that's it for us and I'd be taking LO.

I'm STILL stuck in the bedroom, I come out and clean then he tells me to go relax or something to get me back in here.

I have no proof and don't know what to do, I can't just look though his iPad..

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitty399 · 07/06/2017 09:18

I think some people may be missing my other posts....

We do leave the house when LO is calm and not screaming or he won't stop screaming.

My DP does watch porn, this I know and don't mind.

We have friends and family around, family said to just do what we think is best and cope as best as we can until he's better.

OP posts:
ChrisPrattsFace · 07/06/2017 09:19

If he was just saying it to 'help you relax' he would take LO for an hour, say 'i've ran you a relaxing bath DW, please enjoy it and put your feet up on the sofa afterwards' ... he wouldn't usher you back into the bedroom.

Don't defend him by saying you chose to be in the bedroom. You are allowed to sit next to him whether he is cheating or not.

angieloumc · 07/06/2017 09:20

This is untenable. I cannot for the life in me see what you are getting out of this relationship.
How do you go about making meals?
What if you want a cup of tea?

Original poster
Kitty399 · 07/06/2017 09:21

Only1scoop

My health at the time was rather bad but I did want to be up and moving about. There was a possibility I could have died during labour due to my health issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitty399 · 07/06/2017 09:22

angieloumc

He helps me with cooking, I'll get the food ready and he'll cook it so I can watch LO.

OP posts:
witwootoodleoo · 07/06/2017 09:22

Has it occurred to you that your LO may be happier in the bedroom precisely because you never leave it? Tbh I'd be worried that (s)he's growing up confined largely to one room.

Agree with others, your cheating DP is the least of your problems.

I doubt he's keeping you in the bedroom to facilitate his cheating because he could do that in any room. He probably just prefers to have you and his child out his way so that he can enjoy the lounge in peace.

This is not normal. This sounds like emotional abuse to me.

Do you have a trusted friend or family member that you can have an honest conversation with to see if they think this is normal? If not please call Women's Aid.

Laiste · 07/06/2017 09:22

Do you go out of the house every day OP?

The situation you describe isn't healthy. You're used to it, so it seems normal'ish. Please begin to break the habit at least. A baby won't cry itself to death because it's in the 'wrong room'. I'm not trying to sound unkind Flowers

Haffiana · 07/06/2017 09:23

My husband would take the babies out in their pram so that I could get a break and 'relax'. He would walk around with them for hours in the middle of the night when they screamed and wouldn't sleep so that I could get some sleep. When they scream - for whatever reason - there are two parents both of whom can take turns. Has he EVER tried to calm the baby? - this is something both he and the baby need to learn to do together.

And ffs put a rug on the living room floor. You are essentially being put out of the way so that he is comfortable under the guise of you 'relaxing'. This is a subtle and very worrying form of abuse.

LadyRoseate · 07/06/2017 09:23

All this "relaxing" and "resting" is a weird euphemism though, you can't really relax that when you're responsible for a screaming baby. What he means is go away and stop the baby from bothering him. No wonder you contribute to it, you feel pressured, and he sounds horrible so you avoid him.

But it's not a normal life for you or the baby. I was out all day every day with mine in the buggy, so i could do things and get exercise, and they could get fresh air, see the trees and be chucked under the chin by old ladies and generally interact with the world. It might even help your baby's health to get out more, and help you to feel better too.

Agree with others your P's behaviour is controlling and unacceptable and you would be better off without him. Presumably if he's not working and you're doing all the childcare, there wouldn't be much difference financially if you weren't with him?

MyheartbelongstoG · 07/06/2017 09:25

I wonder do MNHQ have an obligation to report things like this to the police.

LadyRoseate · 07/06/2017 09:26

And it's not a problem if the baby cries when outside your home. Babies cry, it's what they do, people understand that. Take the baby for a long walk and they might learn to nap in the buggy.

Only1scoop · 07/06/2017 09:27

Agree get a rug/duvet/baby gym on the floor in the living room. Go and play with DC in there, take DC out for a walk, it's your home.

PhuntSox · 07/06/2017 09:27

Would you feel able to tell your GP about all this? Start with the baby screaming and explain it all from there.

Original poster
Kitty399 · 07/06/2017 09:27

MyheartbelongstoG

That's a bit uncalled for.

I just won't ask for help then.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 07/06/2017 09:29

MyHeartHmm

GlitteryFluff · 07/06/2017 09:30

I'd snoop.
If everything's ok then nobody needs to know I snooped
If it's not ok I'll be very glad I snooped.

Onceafortnight · 07/06/2017 09:32

If he's not working, you can all go out together with the baby. What's wrong with him?

gamerchick · 07/06/2017 09:32

What heart said may seem uncalled for but it does kinda illustrate how far into the twilight zone what you're describing to us is OP.

You need some backup. Make an appointment with your gp and tell them you're being confined to one room because of these health issues and tell your health visitor the same.

Tell you bloke to move out regardless. It doesn't sound like he's up to much anyroad.

DavetheCat2001 · 07/06/2017 09:33

I think people are trying to help OP.

The possible cheating really is not the main issue here however, it sounds very much as if you are nan abusive relationship. It is NOT NORMAL for your H to be ushering you and your child into a separate room all the time.

He sounds controlling and vile. Please take the advise on here and phone Women's Aid or go to a family member or friend for support IRL.

unfortunateevents · 07/06/2017 09:34

OP, you say you leave the house when your baby is calm and not screaming - but how often is that? Is it daily, several times a week or only occasional? With a 6 month old and living in what sounds like quite a small house/flat and a partner who is permanently home, you need to be getting out every day, if not a couple of times a day. Do you go to any baby groups or see friends anywhere? I know it's difficult with an unhappy baby but believe me, we've all been there with screaming babies and if you are walking or in a park you won't even be disturbing anyone. Even 10 mins at a baby group would be better than sitting in your bedroom all day.

What about your family? How often are you seeing them? Can you spend more time at their homes?

indigox · 07/06/2017 09:35

If cheating is what its going to take for you to leave this controlling abusive excuse for a man then I really hope he is up to something.

Glastokitty · 07/06/2017 09:36

This is really really not normal. It's like The Yellow Wallpaper crossed with Room. Do you ever leave the house OP? My son had hideous reflux and a milk allergy, but we still had a life. Please, please get help, this is no way to live.

Gothbaby · 07/06/2017 09:36

Sounds dodgy! if you have doubts, chase them up/ explore them! But the whole situation sound dodgy! My husband is very caring when it comes to my health, but he would never constantly tell me to stay in the bedroom . The odd trip out doesnt make this better either! Him cooking 'so you can look after LO' isnt being a dad. Giving you time to relax would be looking after you, he needs to step the fuck up as a father. he has no excuse not too.

Speedybloomer · 07/06/2017 09:38

@Kitty this is really not normal. You should be enjoying time with your baby, getting out and meeting other mums. It is hard when they are screaming and unsettled but it is so worth it getting out both for you and baby. Sometimes babies just need a change of scenery and it makes all the difference to their mood. You will probably find he is more settled the more you go out. Your mental health must be really suffering being stuck in one room. I have a 10mo and I know I start to go crazy if we don't get out at least once a day. Please do seek help from your GP or HV. I hope things improve for you.

IfNot · 07/06/2017 09:39

Aside from the obvious oddness of the whole situation ( and cheating is the least of your worries) you do know that by 6 months babies need external stimulation, playing, excercise, whether just kicking on a jungle gym, or trying to crawl. They also need fresh air and vitamin D.
It's possible the crying is partly due to lack of stimulation.

Anyway, you can't hide in one room because babies cry!
What would happen if you and LO took over the living room, had a play, strew toys everywhere, made some noise, had friends over? What would happen if this knobend told you to go back to your room and you said " no"?