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Original poster

Is a man 'always' lying when he says he doesn't have sex with his wife?

80 replies

flumperoo · 05/06/2017 12:32

I've recently found out that a married male colleague I work with is having sex with another woman. Now, I get on very well with this male colleague and we are friends. since I've found out he insists that, although he loves his wife, he doesn't have sex with her because 'it doesn't work' with her. Now, obviously, this sound like BS but I've barely met his wife and have no inclination to get involved so it's not as if he's worried that I'm going to tell his wife or anyone else.

I'm really disappointed in my friend and I'll never look at him the same way, but is it always a lie when men say they don't have sex with their wives or could he possibly be telling the truth? I'm not suggesting that would excuse him being unfaithful, but I know I would have difficulty being in a sexless relationship.

OP posts:
Pasithea · 05/06/2017 12:38

No sometimes it's true. I know of at least 2 who definitely don't.

MrsHathaway · 05/06/2017 12:40

I think it's possible. I'd guess that for every man who's telling the truth there would be 100 or 1000 who are lying, though.

Same probably goes for women in the parallel situation, though.

SuperSkyRocketing · 05/06/2017 12:41

Does it matter? Either way he should've left his wife before getting involved with OW. There's no excuse for cheating.

MorrisZapp · 05/06/2017 12:41

Loads of relationships are virtually sexless, including mine and also my closest friends.

It's pretty common.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 05/06/2017 12:41

It's not always a lie no. Some couples have sexless marriages - I know a friend of my Dad's left his wife for another woman because he was in a sexless marriage and couldn't carry on like that. I also have a female friend who has sex with her husband about once a year! So it's possible he's telling the truth.
Not knowing your friend it's difficult to know - it could just be a convenient excuse.

SandyY2K · 05/06/2017 12:42

It's not always a lie, but it often is.

CycleHire · 05/06/2017 12:42

It may or may not be true but it's a lame excuse for cheating.

Pinkknickers · 05/06/2017 12:43

It's not always a lie. In any case, it shouldn't matter, he's married so shouldn't be having sex with anyone else. He sounds like a pig.

rolopolovolo · 05/06/2017 12:43

No, it's often the truth. Doesn't make it right to cheat, though.

SandyY2K · 05/06/2017 12:43

There have many threads about women who don't want sex with their husbands, so I guess it's not unthinkable.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 05/06/2017 12:43

My faithless ex used that excuse to me when we got together, along with telling me he was separated (he wasn't) and lived with his parents (he didn't). When he inevitably cheated on me, he told the OW he wasn't having sex with me, wasn't engaged to me and didn't introduce me to others as his wife, and had told me it was over and had only ever been a casual fling. All lies.

When I met DH I demanded to see his divorce papers and meet his exW before agreeing to date him Blush

Herestonevergrowingup · 05/06/2017 12:44

Judging by the threads on here I would say a lot of marriages are sexless. One couple I know haven't had sex for at least six years and you wouldn't believe it if you knew them. So yes possible but could be lying of course.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/06/2017 12:48

It could be true. He's obviously a twat so maybe she doesn't fancy him any more. Maybe he's so infatuated with the side chick he doesn't put any effort into being nice to his wife and so they don't have sex. If he's the type to shag randoms instead of sorting out his marriage then I can't imagine he's a particularly thoughtful and attentive partner.

Howfrustrating · 05/06/2017 12:48

It can, occasionally, be true. I had an old friend and colleague who's wife of over 30 years had never liked sex and didn't do it again after their twins were conceived (they were in their 20s when I worked with him). He obviously adored his wife and didn't want to separate from his family, but did confess to having had a mistress for a few years prior. I couldn't judge him in those circumstances. He always maintained his loyalty was to his wife and he would never leave her. I felt sorry for the mistress but she knew the situation and could have decided not to get involved.

ShatnersWig · 05/06/2017 12:52

I was in a sexless relationship with my ex-girlfriend for 5 years (having had minimal intimacy for much of the previous 5 years). I didn't cheat. I eventually realised I was not prepared to spend another 20, 30, 40 years without sex. I wanted a partner not a housemate. Sadly, I've bee single for 7 years and haven't had sex in 6 so I'm not exactly getting more!

But I didn't cheat.

user1490142285 · 05/06/2017 12:52

Well of course he may not be sleeping with his wife, but that seems a bit of a red herring if he is cheating on her.

I feel for you, you know just enough to know that this is a bit grubby and that you don't want to know more.

For the record I am in a sexless relationship. Since that side of things started struggling I've been suggesting solutions and he would not meet me halfway so now I no longer ask. I am happy without it (it has never been the best part of our relationship) and if he refuses to address it I assume he's happy enough. I wouldn't want him to just start secretly having sex with someone else if he is not willing to address this matter in our already established relationship. (Sounds a bit grim but we have a brilliant time together, he is the best thing that ever happened to me.)

Original poster
flumperoo · 05/06/2017 12:53

Yes, I realise this is one of the oldest lines in the book and he could be lying. I also don't think the possibility of it being true excuses him cheating. However, if he loves his wife and they want to remain together, but they don't have sex, then I could at least maybe understand why he is having sex outside of his marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
flumperoo · 05/06/2017 12:55

I wonder though, how likely it is that sex 'doesn't work' with his wife but it does with this other woman. I don't know the specifics but he seems to be implying that he can't get it up with his wife. Can impotence be selective like this?

OP posts:
elevenclips · 05/06/2017 12:56

it might be true
He might reject his wife
Or she might reject him
But regardless cheating is a receipe for disaster.

MorrisZapp · 05/06/2017 12:57

I'm also happy in my sexless relationship and not looking to make any changes.

user1490142285 · 05/06/2017 14:16

OP, the thing is you can't really judge without knowing what has gone on between friend and wife. You can't base it on what he says alone.

I may be a bit defensive about this as I sometimes read here that women who don't make the effort should understand that their partners will want to play away as if it is just a compromise we all agree on. In fact I was the one who expressed worry about our relationship failing due to lack of sex, I was the one who insisted on discussing it (OH was 'embarrassed' and 'didn't want to talk about it' - as if I did!), I bought the books and asked if counselling was the answer etc etc until the penny dropped and I decided if I took it on as my job it would be my job to maintain it and my responsibility if it failed. If he makes no investment even at the planning stages, what investment can I expect later? So he is free to bring it up, he knows I think counselling is a good idea but I'm not going to be the one who 'made us go' to counselling.

I tell him every day how much I adore him and how lucky I am and I get the same back from him. He is my best friend. It may be what Esther Perel calls autonomy vs entrapment; we're like best friends, which apparently can kill erotic interest.

So all that blather just to say that it isn't always about the poor husband being on subsistence rations, like everything else in any relationship it may be very complex and you'll never know what is really going on.

HildaOg · 05/06/2017 14:36

It can be true but many men will justify their behaviour by claiming it regardless of truth.

I think if they genuinely don't have a sexual relationship with their wives but love them and want to keep the family together then a very discreet fuck buddy can be beneficial.

Your friend isn't discreet though, he's fucking a work colleague and discussing it with other people. That means he doesn't care about being found out so doesn't care to keep the marriage together and has zero respect for his wife. Which makes me think it's just a line he's spinning to look better while he behaves badly and flaunts it.

Pinkheart5919 · 05/06/2017 14:40

It could be true, some couple don't have sex but the fact is unless his dw has agreed to an open relationship, he is cheating and showing a huge lack of respect to his dw.

Original poster
flumperoo · 05/06/2017 15:57

Thank you for all the replies and different perspectives. I guess I'm just trying to get my head around the fact that this friend isn't the person i thought he was. I had a lot of respect for him. Just to clarify, it isn't someone at work he is cheating with.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 05/06/2017 15:59

Even if it's true it doesn't follow that a man is free to fuck other people. Lack of sex does not mean no relationship exists.

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