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Original poster

Is a man 'always' lying when he says he doesn't have sex with his wife?

80 replies

flumperoo · 05/06/2017 12:32

I've recently found out that a married male colleague I work with is having sex with another woman. Now, I get on very well with this male colleague and we are friends. since I've found out he insists that, although he loves his wife, he doesn't have sex with her because 'it doesn't work' with her. Now, obviously, this sound like BS but I've barely met his wife and have no inclination to get involved so it's not as if he's worried that I'm going to tell his wife or anyone else.

I'm really disappointed in my friend and I'll never look at him the same way, but is it always a lie when men say they don't have sex with their wives or could he possibly be telling the truth? I'm not suggesting that would excuse him being unfaithful, but I know I would have difficulty being in a sexless relationship.

OP posts:
inkydinky · 05/06/2017 16:28

No. I have a friend at the moment who isn't having sex with her husband but would quite like to keep the marriage together. She thinks he's getting ready to leave and has (in all seriousness I think) told me she wishes he would just have an affair!

My own H left me because of a lack of decent sex life. And if he told the OW we weren't having sex it was the truth.

My now DP hadn't had sex with his partner for several years either.

I'm quite sure it's a line plenty of men (and possibly women) spout but for some it's definitely true.

TheNaze73 · 05/06/2017 16:29

I'd say 70% of the time

NaiceBiscuits · 05/06/2017 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissShittyBennet · 05/06/2017 17:41

No.

Doesn't mean the woman he's cheating with isn't a complete fucking idiot though. Unless he has a solid gold cock, she'd have been better advised to steer well clear.

BirdBandit · 05/06/2017 17:46

Maybe his wife isn't having sex with him because she knows/has a hunch that he shags around, and doesn't want to risk whatever herself to whatever he dips into? Or maybe she just doesn't like him because he is having an affair?

Simonsays71 · 05/06/2017 17:47

I have had sex no more than 6 times in 6 years. I think anything less than 10 a year is classed as sexless so I'm definitely in that bracket as are some of my friends. It's more common than many think.

I've given up bothering now so find other things to occupy my time. Shame as we are good friends but I am finding myself spending more time with mates and taking up hobbies to fill the void. Once we had a child her interest went. She is happy watching TV all the time so once our daughter is in bed I go to the gym or so other things.

I don't want to leave and leave my daughter though so it is what it is.

BirdBandit · 05/06/2017 17:47

Risk exposing herself/health. Thumb error!

HoHoHoHo · 05/06/2017 18:58

I will probably get lynched for this but I actually have some sympathy for people who cheat when they are in a sexless marriage/relationship and they have children that on the balance of probability wouldn't live with them in the event of a split. I think leaving a relationship is one thing but deciding that you want to live apart from children is another.

I was with my ex for 6 years and didn't have sex at all in the last year of our relationship and only once or twice in the year before. It made me feel hideous and completely disconnected from him. After trying to sort it out with him (it was like talking to a brick wall) I left but had leaving him meant I was also leaving my hypothetical child I might well have cheated.

Cheating is never right but then again it isn't really fair for one person in a relationship to decide that both parties have to be celibate.

flossiepie · 05/06/2017 19:27

I'm in a sexless marriage (see my other thread) and talking to people it is quite common (and rather sad). I think nice been naive about it until I'm in the situation and I know how easy it for months to go into years

QueenofEsgaroth · 05/06/2017 19:35

Marriage is generally accepted to be an agreement to be monogamous, if one partner in the marriage wants to not be monogamous they should be honest with their partner about breaking the agreement. An open marriage is a rarity, divorce is common so anyone not giving their partner the heads up before they shag about (who then justifies it to outsiders by blaming their partner) is probably a lying cheating bastard.

HelenaDove · 05/06/2017 20:55

It is also generally accepted that there will be sex in a marriage "with my body i thee worship" implies this.

DH is unwell though. Its been 21 years since we were intimate with each other.

I did have an affair seven years into the drought before he became unwell.

I do get the impression though that those that didnt crack sometimes enjoy feeling morally superior because of it.

QueenofEsgaroth · 05/06/2017 23:19

Ok how about "actions speak louder than words" then?

There is nothing to enjoy about finding out that not only has the partner you trusted has been fucking around on you but they have been blaming you for their actions.

FritzDonovan · 05/06/2017 23:21

I do think it's possible for him to 'not work ' sexually with his wife, but be fine with a shiny new, exciting bit on the side. Maybe boredom or mundane reality made him look for something else. As pp said, if he's not putting the effort in with his wife, they may not be did anyone, less likely that DW knows what's going on, why, and is happy about it though.

HelenaDove · 05/06/2017 23:36

Thing is there are some men out there who believe that a trip to a strip club/private dance isnt cheating.

So when you ask them if they have cheated they might say no because they honestly believe that the above isnt cheating.

Hypothetically you could have a man in a sexless marriage attend a strip club and have a private dance and he may say he hasnt cheated because he doesnt believe he has. And society will back him up more often than not (i see this as cheating just to be clear)

A woman in a sexless marriage who though who cracks after getting a bit of attention from someone else ..........this can immediately be classed as cheating It pisses me off when i see people being morally superior when they have contradicted themselves previously.

ScarlettFreestone · 05/06/2017 23:45

It doesn't matter. He's still cheating.

He's still being deceitful and betraying his wife.

He's still risking her sexual health.

He's still breaking his marriage vows.

If he's not having sex and his marriage has broken down then he need to end his marriage respectfully and honestly. Not sneak around.

He's not the man you thought.

VelvetSpoon · 05/06/2017 23:56

I'd say it's 50/50.

Lots of women (and men) think it's acceptable in a marriage or other lt relationship to withhold sex for years. Whilst sex isn't always the most important thing in a relationship it is the glue that holds you together.

If one person (male or female) says no more sex, ever, and is non negotiable, I think they can't be surprised if their partner ends up in an affair, whether emotional or physical.

As a man I'd be reluctant to walk out of a marriage, I've seen first hand how easily men can be written out of their DCs lives if the other parent decides to be difficult. Sometimes it can seem easier to maintain the status quo than risk losing your children. And for women (where the man is withholding sex) there can be financial and practical reasons not to leave.

HelenaDove · 05/06/2017 23:59

Good post Velvet.

HerOtherHalf · 06/06/2017 00:01

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I don't see what difference it makes. Bad beviour plus good excuse doesn't equal good behaviour.

HelenaDove · 06/06/2017 00:07

I wouldnt do it again It was 14 years ago.

beingsunny · 06/06/2017 00:09

If you read enough MN seem the majority are having next to no sex

Figaro2017 · 06/06/2017 00:30

As a man I'd be reluctant to walk out of a marriage, I've seen first hand how easily men can be written out of their DCs lives if the other parent decides to be difficult. Sometimes it can seem easier to maintain the status quo than risk losing your children.

Absolutely this.

I've stayed with my wife after two affairs because I don't want to see the kids every other weekend. She's 100% in the wrong, but I stand to lose out.

JustAMusing · 06/06/2017 01:20

No. It's what my exh will have told the OW and it was true.

I couldn't bring myself to share a bed with him, let alone my body.

FritzDonovan · 06/06/2017 02:56

It pisses me off when i see people being morally superior when they have contradicted themselves previously.
Who are you referring to Helena, or was it a generalisation? To be clear, my comment (directly above yours) was to OP, addressing the fact that I believe a man would use the 'no sex with wife' thing as he wasn't as sexually attracted to her after time, so would feel his new 'relationship' was better, sexually iyswim. I'd def class it as cheating, no excuse.

HelenaDove · 06/06/2017 03:01

It was a generalisation. And i agree btw.

Coffeegrain · 06/06/2017 03:04

Was in sexless marriage for 4 years, neither of is cheated. Divorced now.
A different ex of mine told me it 'didn't work' with his ex in the sense she could no longer orgasm which 'didn't work' for him, but not in a physical sense.

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