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Relationships

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Original poster

Is a man 'always' lying when he says he doesn't have sex with his wife?

80 replies

flumperoo · 05/06/2017 12:32

I've recently found out that a married male colleague I work with is having sex with another woman. Now, I get on very well with this male colleague and we are friends. since I've found out he insists that, although he loves his wife, he doesn't have sex with her because 'it doesn't work' with her. Now, obviously, this sound like BS but I've barely met his wife and have no inclination to get involved so it's not as if he's worried that I'm going to tell his wife or anyone else.

I'm really disappointed in my friend and I'll never look at him the same way, but is it always a lie when men say they don't have sex with their wives or could he possibly be telling the truth? I'm not suggesting that would excuse him being unfaithful, but I know I would have difficulty being in a sexless relationship.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 06/06/2017 11:43

Can I just say... The expression 'sex is the glue that keeps you together' is literally the ickiest phrase on earth and makes me want to zip my sleeping bag up to my chin.

ordinaryman · 06/06/2017 11:53

@OP - If you are asking what 'it doesn't work with her' means and whether it's likely to be a true statement, it could well be true and a product of many factors, such as (speaking from personal experience)...

The other party's lack of enthusiasm for sex with their partner.
The other party never initiating sex.
The other party deliberately stifling opportunities for sex.
The other party deliberately not making the best of themselves to avoid sex.
The other party giving derogatory and hurtful reasons for not wanting their partner.
The other party claiming some form of illness that prevents sex.
The other party's refusal to acknowledge there is a lack of sex and that it is a legitimate problem for the other person.
The other party's refusal to discuss it or agree to counselling.
The other party guilt-tripping the other about their 'family duty' if separation is mentioned.
And many others that those in this situation will know...

Giving up pursuing a sexually uncooperative partner is not necessarily selfish either. As I'm sure most people here would agree, much as it is massively unfair to have celibacy imposed upon you, it is equally not right to retaliate by pressuring the unwilling party into sex. So many give up.

None of this is justification for cheating, but simply to illustrate there are lots of ways 'sex no longer works' within a marriage, whether you be male or female.

QueenofEsgaroth · 06/06/2017 12:01

Wow! You forgot tripped over and accidentally bumped ugly parts repeatedly with someone else making self less attractive at home

MisterDog · 06/06/2017 12:44

Yeah definitely can be true. If you asked my Dh it would be true. We have probably had sex 4 times in two years, I just do want to at all. As much as I love him, I personally would not mind if he made other arrangements as long as he was safe and regularly tested.

thinkiamgoingcrazy · 06/06/2017 13:04

My relationship is sexless, and crap. Am trying to plan how we get divorced, but am terrified of the potential fallout.

Have been planning for 7 months but don't seem to be any nearer to telling H whom I know will make things very difficult.

Not only sexless, but no talking about it ever. Or about anything else much either.

oscareyeballs · 06/06/2017 14:04

SuperSkyRocketing

Does it matter? Either way he should've left his wife before getting involved with OW. There's no excuse for cheating.

This x1000

MotherofA · 06/06/2017 14:44

I know someone who didn't sleep with her partner , well once in a year if he was lucky .

Original poster

flumperoo · 06/06/2017 15:02

Thanks again for all the replies and different perspectives.

OP posts:

IrianOfW · 06/06/2017 16:31

Its probably true in some cases - but the most important question is 'So what?'

UsefulEustace · 06/06/2017 16:51

He's not completely lying, he's just left out a word, as in "I'm not having enough sex with my wife any more."

NinonDeLenclos · 06/06/2017 18:23

No but he's always betraying her unless they have an open relationship.

FritzDonovan · 07/06/2017 06:34

The other party deliberately not making the best of themselves to avoid sex.
What does this mean exactly, ordinary? Do you mean 'letting themselves go' appearance wise??

QueenofEsgaroth · 07/06/2017 11:00

I believe it is called victim blaming Fritz, most people find it loathsome.

ordinaryman · 11/06/2017 15:43

@FritzDonovan - I mean personal hygiene issues (ie: bad breath and down-below front and back cleanliness and tidiness shall we say without TMI) - things I’ve tactfully mentioned, are easily sorted, yet have been ignored. Plus letting herself go appearance-wise yes, despite my subtle encouragement to make an effort.

@QueenofEsgaroth - What are you talking about? How is my wife supposed to be any kind of 'victim'? Have you properly read my post?

RandomChocolate8 · 11/06/2017 18:30

Might be true but tbh if a man is willing to lie to his wife, he'll be willing to lie to his mistress.

In my case, he told the OW we hadn't had sex in years, in reality we were trying for another DC and dtd regularly

TDHManchester · 12/06/2017 07:47

It can be true. I know male colleagues whos relationships with their female partners have effecitvely morphed into sexless marriages where they are effectively role playing a relationship/marriage that isnt the real deal. I think its based on fear of the unkonen and lack of courage in just ending it and moving on. Sometimes there are other constraints i,e housing,debt, mortgages,children etc

Slowly the kids grown up, the mortgage gets paid off and they are still stuck in the role playing relationship. Who knows what they do?

If the man is terribly rich and/or the female feels dependent on him, she maintains it and maybe dutifully shags him once a week/month/year whilst taking a lover or not .

He sits wanking over porn and maybe taking a lover and/or visits escorts..

Secret lives,secret reality for many.

FritzDonovan · 12/06/2017 23:32

ordinary I'm not sure your front/back cleanliness and tidiness explanation makes your point any better or worse...unless there is a physical or mental issue, how bad can the cleanliness issue be to cause you a problem, without it being a problem at work and outside? How old is she, 'cause age/having children means you're not so fresh getting out of bed/ towards the end of the day, without a shower. And does 'making the best of yourself' mean trimming your pubes? Hilarious that you find that essential for dtd.

Raapberrypie · 12/06/2017 23:53

Why is he telling you that he doesn't have sex with his wife?

Potatogravy · 13/06/2017 00:00

I think that the fact that you 'get on well' with him and he's telling you intimate details of his sex life or lack of with his wife would ring alarm bells for my anyway.

If you and your husband weren't having sex, perhaps it was him, maybe you, maybe going through a rough patch - but still together - what is going to help? Him shagging other women and being close friends with them? He's a dick whether it is true or not.

My Ex did cheat on me and told the other women we weren't in love or having sex. In fact we were trying for a baby and having sex all the time. I told the other woman when I found out - who was actually devastated she'd been lied to. But what the hell was she thinking?

HelenaDove · 13/06/2017 00:54

ordinaryman Are you saying that female pubic hair is unclean. If so why would you think that.

Because if that is what you think then you need to know that misogyny is a turn off for many women.

My H and i havent had sex for many years Does that give me a right to go elsewhere. I bet it doesnt because our sexist society being what it is the "rules" are different for women.

Ive always gone for much older men. Have been with DH since 1992 Posted details upthread, DH is 23 years older but ex OM was 17 years older. Men above a certain age dont expect shaved pubes and other shit . Thats the appeal for many women.

If men of the internet porn generation want less women in their dating pool they are going the right way about it.

DistanceCall · 13/06/2017 01:53

No. In many cases it's true.

HildaOg · 13/06/2017 11:03

Helena; it's not about gender, I expect any man I'm with to be completely shaven, especially on the balls. If you haven't had sex for years and are happy with that then that's great but I wouldn't expect anyone, male or female to remain sex free for the rest of their life because their partner can't have or doesn't want sex.

Potatogravy · 13/06/2017 11:07

Well you either tell your live in partner or you split up. Lying is dispicable.

yetmorecrap · 13/06/2017 11:20

One thing that never seems to be commented on either is age. I have to be honest, in my mid 50's and post menopause I am way less interested than I was in my mid 30s. (same H). I dont feel bad about it although I cant deny my H would prefer more, but it seems to me that we are being conditioned to feel like its abnormal when older for some of us to not be so focussed on it.

HelenaDove · 13/06/2017 16:12

Hilda My DH is disabled and can no longer have sex because of breathing problems.

He had a fairly low libido prior to that

Quite frankly i would much rather be where i am than enter a dating world where shaved genitals and anal are now mainstream expectations. Expectations which i find to be a bit shallow. i found that worrying about whether my DH is going to suffer respitory failure focused my mind a bit!

But each to their own i guess.

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