How bad is it? And what can I do?

[GizzyTiedToATree]

Posting from work as I suspect DH to have installed a keylogger at home. It means that I don't know when I will be able to come back.

I have been with DH for 13 years, married for 9, 3DCs aged 10, 7 and 4.

DH is sulking. Again. This time, it is because on Sunday, when he was lecturing DS about his Minecraft use, he said "you have a problem, just like Mum has a problem - she goes directly from a computer screen to a book". I asked him if I wasn't allowed to read books now. He hasn't spoken to me since.
He sulks, sometimes for weeks at a time. Here are a few examples of things that have set him off in the past and that I find myself avoiding :

• going on Mumsnet
• going on the internet in general
• wearing a knee-length skirt at work
• wearing lipstick
• being in the staff room at work (I am a teacher)
• watching a film with Richard Armitage
• saying hello to a male acquaintance
• coming back from work at 12:35 instead of 12:30

He constantly slags me off to the DC ("you never finish things, like your mother" / "you never admit you're wrong, like your mother"), tells them I don't do anything around the house (I do about 90% of housework, childcare and cooking), that I spend all the family's money, that I am selfish, that he wishes he had not married me. He even made references to my "mileage" in front of them (he resents the fact that I was not a virgin when we met. I was 23 and I had had sex three times).

I find it hard to convey how ground down I feel. I try to talk to him, but either he stonewalls me like now, or he tells me that everything is my fault.
I would like to hear that he can change, but I am starting to realise that I cannot make him change.
Apart from LTB, is there anything I can do on a day-to-day basis?

Well done, OP, you've started a process here. You know you need to leave him and I'm sure you will, it's just a matter of when and how.

If you have any doubts, just think of yourself in 30 years, looking back.

If it seems too hard, take little steps.

Well, he is obviously perfect but still not happy, is he? Twat.

Baby steps. One realisation at a time. One thought of independence at a time. One more tally in the 'I can do this'.

I understand this is a massive realisation for you. We're all here. And we'll keep holding your hand and helping all we can until you feel ready.

He is still stonewalling me.

What can I answer my 7-year-old when she asks me "Why is Daddy being nasty to you?"
I think 10-year-old DS is much more upset than he lets me see. He told me that on Wednesday, during the 70-minute car journey to pick up DDs, he kept saying "bad things" about me. It breaks my heart to see him dragged into this.

I am beginning to realise that this is the real him - not the nice DH of the good times that are fewer and further between.
Which leads me to another difficulty. I had always believed that marriage was for life. I see two possibilities : either DH is ill, and I swore to stand by him in sickness and in health, or he has always been like that, and doesn't it mean that I have made my bed? I would also mean that I was wrong about him, which is hard to admit.

I will try to call 3919 next week, but it makes me uncomfortable because I don't think any of the incidents I can think of can be described as serious on its own.

You don't need proof, you don't need permission.

OP this is damaging your children. They're learning how to be in a relationship by watching their parents. If you can't do it for you then do it for them

"I am beginning to realise that this is the real him - not the nice DH of the good times that are fewer and further between.
Which leads me to another difficulty. I had always believed that marriage was for life. I see two possibilities : either DH is ill, and I swore to stand by him in sickness and in health, or he has always been like that, and doesn't it mean that I have made my bed? I would also mean that I was wrong about him, which is hard to admit".

You are indeed now seeing the real him. Abusive people like this though are not horrid all the time and what you have seen from him is the "nice/nasty" cycle of abuse. That is a continuous cycle also. The "nice" act is one he cannot maintain because he is not built that way. He was probably all sweetness and light to you in the early days but probably started to ramp up the power and control even then. He acted just nice enough and long enough to properly draw you in; they are master manipulators and many smart women have been fooled by such people. Abusers can also appear very plausible to those in the outside world too.

Having children as well also let him further ramp up the power and control against you; pregnancy and birth are flashpoints for abusers to further control their victims.

Look at his parents too Gizzy, what are they like?. Probably very similar. One or both of them taught him such damaging lessons on relationships and now he is imparting those also to his children in your presence.

Marriage cannot be for life if there is abuse within the relationship and your relationship with this man is chock full of abuse. Abuse as well does not have to be physical, the mental abuse can and does do damage as well.

Do not let your children further be dragged down by their abuser of a father. What they are seeing at home is clearly impacting on all of them hugely. They cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons on relationships because they could repeat those with their own partners. This is no legacy to leave them Gizzy, you need an escape plan to leave this individual and soon before he destroys you all from the inside out. He is really not the nice man you initially thought he was; you were targeted by him.

Keep making those baby steps; the first one is the hardest to take but it will get easier.

Do call that number next week and if you can do so in complete safety (say at your place of work) look at Womens Aid's UK based website. The "Why does he do that?" book can be sent to your mother's.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

You must be devastated hearing your children relay such comments. If they were in a similar relationship what would you want for them and would you be content if grandchildren were hearing one parent being verbally abusive towards another ?

As said, if you can't do it for you, please think about the toxic environment you are forcing your children to live in and cope with.

He sounds utterly vile, selfish and totally uncaring

What to say to your 7 year old? You could say that Daddy gets angry and that's why he's nasty? But I'm sure you know as well as we do that there's no reasonable explanation and the best way to protect your children - and show them that their dad's behaviour is not acceptable - is to leave him.

"either DH is ill, and I swore to stand by him in sickness and in health, or he has always been like that, and doesn't it mean that I have made my bed? I would also mean that I was wrong about him, which is hard to admit."
He's not ill.
He has always been that way but he probably made much more effort to hide it at the beginning. Abusive people usually start small and gradually increase the abuse. It's the boiling frog analogy.
We all make mistakes sometimes - please don't blame yourself. And what on earth do you mean by "I have made my bed"?! Do you want to punish yourself - and your children - for the rest of your life, just because you married him? You trusted him to be a decent husband and father and he's let you down. That's on him, not you.

As for calling 3919. I think the incidents are more serious than you realise. You've been conditioned to think his behaviour is normal when it's far from it. And this isn't about isolated incidents, it's about the overall picture and a pattern of behaviour. I think they will take you very seriously. We all have, and we're not even trained, as the helpline workers will be.

Gizzy, marriage is a promise made by two people and it cuts both ways. You promised to stand by him in sickness and in health, which so far you have done. He promised to love and cherish you, which he is signally failing to do. If you promised to pay for some goods that were then not delivered, or were faulty to the point of being unusable, could the company hold you to your half of the bargain and insist you pay regardless?

I am not a fan of the expression "you made your bed and must lie in it". If your bed is uncomfortable you'd be a damned fool to just lie there feeling bad. You'd get up and remake it, surely? Even more so if you made it just fine and then someone else came in and messed it around, which is what your H is busy doing.

Made your bed?

Yeah, if it were only you in the house Is say crack on, love, if you want to nail yourself to the cross then go for it.

But it's not just you in the house, and your children are being badly affected. If you kicked him out they'd gain a safe space where people aren't mean. A space they can relax in. Right now they're uneasy 24/7. And it's not just their Dad putting them in that atmosphere, it's you too unless you put them first.

OP my heart is breaking for you. I have been there and it's really tough to admit to yourself and to everyone else that this isn't working. Call Women's Aid to discuss your situation and they will tell you unequivocally that you're being abused in your own home and in front of your impressionable children.

I was married to one of these, technically still am.

He sounds exactly like my STBXH, even down to the calling at time lunch time, he would go crazy if I didn't answer as I was 5 minutes late going on my lunch. He used to call my work number on redial and in the end work actually blocked his number as I was getting in trouble for him calling so much. This was very early on and I should have walked, instead I married the fucker and 10 years later only just had the courage to leave.

I'm 5 months down the line and I can honestly say it's liberating. My DC are much happier and I'm actually enjoying my life, it's carefree. Well, except for the obscene texts I get from him as his jealousy is eating him up as my eldest DC has recently met her bio dad for the first time, and of course I'm shagging him. I just laugh and block him. Coincidentally the jealousy and possessiveness was because he had numerous emotional affairs throughout our marriage so he's judging me by his own low standards.

So, get your ducks in a row and work out a way to leave this prick. I can guarantee you you'll think 'why didn't I do it sooner' at some point when you realise just how wonderful life can be without an abusive scumbag.

Good luck

I swore to stand by him in sickness and in health

And he swore to love and respect and cherish you, didn't he?

He's not sick, he's abusive. It's not some kind of an illness he cannot control. He knows very well what he's doing and does it on purpose.

No matter what you promised him, your children should come first and you do actually have an obligation to protect them. It's clearly not healthy for them to grow up in this kind of environment. Just read the other thread in Relationships about growing up with verbally abusive parents. It affects them for life.

Please call the helpline just to talk to them, it does not mean you also have to do something immediately if you're not ready.

Gizzy, this isn't your fault,
You weren't 'wrong' about him, you didn't, couldn't know he would be like this. He has betrayed you, by behaving like this when you trusted him.

Promises are made on a pact of mutual trust. He has broken his side of the promise. Your wedding vows do not tie you (and your children) into a life of emotional and psychological abuse!!

The problem is that emotional abuse destroys the very means by which you would normally withstand it.

I think you are right to be looking ahead and anticipating his behaviour once your youngest goes to school. This is a wise insight, and enables you to look after yourself.

I know the emotional journey can only be starterd when YOU find the strength and resolve, and the practicalities seem overwhelming, but actually once you get started it will all fall into place. And be easier. EXACTLY like having to take the plunge into a cold swimming pool before enjoying the liberty of swimming.

But you do need to do it. The impact in your kids is immense. As a teacher you know this.

You have your career: excellent, you already have the building blocks of independence from this man.

And you will have so much more energy when not subjected to his exhausting and life sapping emotional attacks.

You don't need any proof or justification. Your decision not to be with him is enough.

Good luck.

The boiling frog analogy is spot on. With hindsight, I missed several red flags. And now I realise they first appeared after DC1 was born, when he considered me "tied" to him.

Oh, and my binge eating problems, that had been under control for some months, have come back.
He considers this as proof he needs to track me and control me and question me : how can I resist a man if I cannot resist a pack of M&Ms?

If one of your pupils was being viciously bullied what would you do?

This is what is happening to you and I can tell you that your children are already going to suffer throughout their lives for what they are witnessing.
You have to ltb for their sakes at the very least - your children are questioning you. He is fucking their lives up and you need to protect them - you are their mother.
Forget your feelings you need to do this for their futures .... once you have ltb you will begin to heal too.
You and your children deserve so much better

I'm so shocked, he sounds dreadful! Please find a way to leave OP

Do you get the allocations familales from the CAF paid into your account? Are you a fonctionnaire titulaire or a contractuelle? Go to the maison de la justice et du droit and have a consultation with them, it is free and should help get admin sorted out. If his behaviour is abusive (and it is) you need to have it logged somewhere eg police municipale or gendarmes if you don't live in town, the MdJD may be able to advise. Then go to an avocat for more specific advice and to get the procédure de divorce. Do not leave the family home though, this will cause you trouble. Once you have a procedure en cours it will be different and if you are a fonctionnaire you may be able to get housing from the Mairie or at school, if you are in a lycée they have quite a lot of it, usually, for very low rents. Talk to the assistante sociale as well.

This is horrendous reading and I've not even read it all. I can't believe you're actually living this life.

Madamfrog the allocations familiales are paid into the joint account. I am a titulaire, which should be a plus if I had to look for rented accommodation since no one can give me a "caution".
I cannot go anywhere for a free consultation at the moment. The DCs are at home with me all the time when I am not at work, and if I asked my mother to babysit he would know that I left the house on my own.

It will have to wait until September. It will give me time to gather mental strength. Usually, it takes me a long time to make decisions, but once I have made up my mind, I am like a steamroller :-)

I completely understand why you can't just pack up and leave immediately, OP. It took me years to leave my ex - who is so similar to your DH it made me shudder as I read about him. Honestly, they could be twins, right down to the keylogger and the comments he makes.

What I will say is that this will be damaging your DC more than you realise (and more than your DC realise). This behaviour, a lot of which can seem minor, is so insidious and will affect your DC's psyches for a long time to come. You risk your DC losing any respect they have for you as they grow older - that will be hard to hear, but it's true. My friend's teenage children now openly mock her and ignore her. They have absorbed the negativity from their vile father and treat her just as he did. It's awful to see.

I'm now free of my abusive ex - 4 years out - and I have never, not once, not for a single second, regretted leaving him. I've had some very tough times financially, but every day I've woken happy that his head isn't on the pillow next to me. Don't worry for a second about what he will say to you or other people. You have to learn to detach, so you don't care what he says or thinks. It's hard, but you need to be able to allow his comments to wash over you and remain calm. Don't try to defend yourself to him, it will never work. So you need to stop giving a shit what he thinks or says. Seek all the help you can from outside agencies and switch off the part of you that cares whether he likes you or not. He doesn't like you, he despises you. So work on preparing yourself to leave (or getting him to leave) and doing the best by your kids. Be as devious as you need to be - he has already broken his marriage vows by treating you like this, you owe him NOTHING. He is banking on you being 'nice' and 'reasonable'. Even if he is 'proven right' about his low opinion of you, that's still a win for you as you will be free of him!

Don't get frustrated when posters get annoyed you haven't left within a week of posting this - I know how hard it is and how long it can take. There used to be a thread for posters who were in emotionally abusive relationships - not sure if that's still going? It was a lifeline to me as so many people there got how relationships like this are.

far more insightful people have posted on this thread than i, but i wanted to add my voice to say that it is very bad, and you and your children deserve so much more. each isolated incident isn't earth shattering but it's like death by a 1000 cuts. drip drip drip erodes mountains. the collective behaviour is horrific.

you don't owe this man anything, you don't have anything to feel guilty for.

he is a terrible father and husband and really the best thing you can do for your family is leave him. i know these things don't happen overnight. it's a huge undertaking, but you're making the first steps.

keep on posting. the support is here for you, and you take as much time as you need to extricate yourself. you very well may find a lot more support for you than you realise. i think your mum knows what's going on. don't be afraid to tell her.

read this thread about what such an environment does to your children
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2948360-experience-of-growing-up-in-a-house-where-your-father-verbally-abused-your-mother

My now 12 yo DD still remembers some of the rows she heard from when she was 3 and safely in her room in her bed with the door closed. They hear much more than we like to believe but can only interpret what they hear in terms of their understanding.