How bad is it? And what can I do?

[GizzyTiedToATree]

Posting from work as I suspect DH to have installed a keylogger at home. It means that I don't know when I will be able to come back.

I have been with DH for 13 years, married for 9, 3DCs aged 10, 7 and 4.

DH is sulking. Again. This time, it is because on Sunday, when he was lecturing DS about his Minecraft use, he said "you have a problem, just like Mum has a problem - she goes directly from a computer screen to a book". I asked him if I wasn't allowed to read books now. He hasn't spoken to me since.
He sulks, sometimes for weeks at a time. Here are a few examples of things that have set him off in the past and that I find myself avoiding :

• going on Mumsnet
• going on the internet in general
• wearing a knee-length skirt at work
• wearing lipstick
• being in the staff room at work (I am a teacher)
• watching a film with Richard Armitage
• saying hello to a male acquaintance
• coming back from work at 12:35 instead of 12:30

He constantly slags me off to the DC ("you never finish things, like your mother" / "you never admit you're wrong, like your mother"), tells them I don't do anything around the house (I do about 90% of housework, childcare and cooking), that I spend all the family's money, that I am selfish, that he wishes he had not married me. He even made references to my "mileage" in front of them (he resents the fact that I was not a virgin when we met. I was 23 and I had had sex three times).

I find it hard to convey how ground down I feel. I try to talk to him, but either he stonewalls me like now, or he tells me that everything is my fault.
I would like to hear that he can change, but I am starting to realise that I cannot make him change.
Apart from LTB, is there anything I can do on a day-to-day basis?

I have no clue what on earth any man could find wrong about his wife going swimming. Do you know what his problem is with that?

I can think of one way to avoid hearing about this for the next ten, five, or however many years.

If I say I am considering divorce, he is going to say that he was right all the way, that I never loved him, that he has wasted over 10 years of his life on me

So what? He'll come out with all sort of nasty stuff. Don't listen to him.

How did your father treat your mother? Did you grow up in a home with a similar dynamic between your parents?

Abuse wreaks havoc across generations. Your children are learning how relationships work from their parents. You are teaching them that it is normal for the husband to be nasty, abusive, controlling, jealous, and for the wife to put up with it.

Leave him, for your own sake but above all your kids' sakes. Your life will be so much easier and happier without him.

Do be careful though. He sounds potentially dangerous.

If you're in France you can call 3919 for advice and support. Please do!

Useful info here: stop-violences-femmes.gouv.fr/Suis-je-concernee,331.html

Get out. Get out NOW.

This is seriously, seriously bad. If not for you, do it for your children. He's fucking them up. And you are allowing it by staying.

I'm so sad for you OP. You are an amazingly strong woman and loving mother to your children and neither you nor they have done anything to deserve this abuse.

The swimming incident shows the reality in black and white. Please go over it and over it and hold it in your mind. You probably struggle to recall specific incidents of abuse because disassociation/forgetting is one of the major mechanisms keeping you locked into an abusive cycle. Inability to recall things clearly then contributes to the fog of confusion and guilt when he shouts at you to prove your point with evidence and you actually can't remember because you have hidden it from yourself.

So hang on to this thread and read it regularly. Read your posts again and again.

You did not break this man and you cannot fix him. When you leave, in the short term your life will be in pieces but in the long run you will soar. Please get out.

Jesus christ, this man is abusive and controlling to a point where he could be very dangerous OP.

I wouldn't reccomend asking for a divorce or giving him any idea at all that you are thinking of leaving him- it could end disastrously for you.

Quietly get together important documents, passports etc for you and the children, put aside some money if you can and act normally. Do not let on that anything has
changed. Ask your mother for help and on the chosen date put the children in the car as if you are taking them to school and just go. By the time he realises, you will be in a place of safety.

Just seen you are in France.

I just want to say I was married to a French man, divorced in France (and now remarried here). Feel free to pm me and I can talk you through the whole process. I've been through court endlessly for the last 9 years. The court system is cheap and easy in compared to the uk so you really have nothing to fear on that score.

OK. So we've established what he is. You've had the advice; pretty much a unanimous LTB.

You mention the school year is now over in France, leaving you free to plot and plan and get the fuck out of dodge.

What's your next move, OP?

It is strange that so many of you should mention he could turn violent. He has never hit me, but deep down I know he would be capable of violence. He told me at the beginning of our relationship that he would kill me if he found me with another man. I do not think he would hurt the DCs, but I think he enjoys making me worry about them. There was an incident about 18 months ago. He was upset because I was at work and had not answered my phone during my 10-minute break (which meant, of course, that I was shagging a colleague). He then refused to answer for the rest of the afternoon (he was in charge of the DCs) and just before my last class, sent me a text saying "Adieu" (goodbye). I was nearly hysterical when I got home, but he smirked and said "See! You can use your phone when you really need to".

I have taken lots of small steps towards independence in the past two years. I have gone back to work part-time. I have passed my driving licence. I have started exercising seriously (at home, of course). I think it may be why he is getting more and more controlling.
The next step is putting DC3 into school in September. I believe things will change in the next school year because there will probably be half-days where I will be at home without the DCs (gasp), which DH cannot stand.

But why are you even considering staying with him next year, OP?

Gizzy - I believe you don't think he would hurt the kids but please think again. Many DV abusers do so to hurt the mother. The risk is especially high if the abuser thinks the victim is going to escape and they have nothing to lose. Please seek help from services who know how to deal with this and good luck

Gizzy - I believe you don't think he would hurt the kids but please think again. Many DV abusers do so to hurt the mother. The risk is especially high if the abuser thinks the victim is going to escape and they have nothing to lose. Please seek help from services who know how to deal with this and good luck

Reborn I need time. It has taken me years of thinking to get to this point. I had been thinking about posting on MN for about 6 months before I found the courage to write my OP. I am not ready yet. Please believe me, I am doing what I can.

It doesn't matter what he says or what he thinks. What matters is what YOU feel and what you want. You don't want this , do you? it sound damaging to your kids and he sounds like he's destroyed all your self confidence. You sound like a prisoner. Make up your mind this is it and get out. It must be hard if you have no friends, but you will make them once you get away from this abusive bully.

Is there any help out there at all, a WA equivalent?

Do you have family that you could go and live with?

Jesus your last post - OP sorry this is not some kind of slightly crap marriage situation where you can stay until the kids are in school/bit older/left home etc. He's dangerous and I'm very worried about you and your kids. Can you at least call the French helpline posted before? Give them the full story.

Katharina I am afraid that the incident I referred to will not be taken seriously. After all, when you look at the facts, he just sent me a text message that did not contain an explicit threat.

RandomMess I have litterally no one. My parents are divorcing. My father is far away and my mother lives in a tiny flat. My siblings are abroad (and have no idea what is going on). I have no support network, either in France or in the UK.

I think you've made fantastic progress so far, OP. Well done.

It is an urgent situation and I hope you'll call the helpline. But please don't think any less of yourself if you don't feel able to leave today. It's enough to start planning while also keeping yourself as safe as you can.

Just make absolutely sure you always delete your browsing history and change your passwords so he can't access your email, Mumsnet account etc.

Gizzy, are you also French, or do you speak French well enough to seek help? Do you have any contacts outside your little family? At work?

I understand that it is hard changing things, but it is not just for your sake. Even if the children are physically safe, they shouldn't be witnessing this. Getting people from outside involved might help you get over the first hurdle of admitting that something is really wrong.

He's pathologically jealous, OP. He sees occasions for you to cuckold him absolutely everywhere (possibly because he sleeps around himself. It's often the case with very jealous men).

Silence kills. Please tell your family and friends about your concerns and start things moving. I seriously think he would be capable of doing something to you and/or your children.

Too slow.

You don't have to wait for proof that he is manipulating you, or that he could be violent. Try the hotline. When it is just in your own head, it's easy to feel like maybe it is not as bad as all that. Someties you need to see another person's reaction to be sure that soething is badly wrong and needs to be sorted out.

Also, you don't owe this man anything, OP. However, you do owe your children - you owe them being safe and secure in a happy home. Which they aren't right now.

I was in a very similar relationship years ago, i was accused of shagging someone in every single place I went, so I never went out or if I did he followed me.
I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy and he was convinced the op shouldn't have taken as long as it did so I clearly had been shagging the surgeon.
Oh I could go on and on but I won't but if you want to pm me feel free to.
please get yourself away from him and be safe.
People like that are dangerous.

If it was just an isolated incident, yes people would think you over-reacted if you left your husband because he didn't answer the phone one afternoon. But it's not.

What would you do if your DC came to you, or you found out, that their other half behaved in this way? You'd be mortified.

It sounds a horrendous situation, but you don't have to live like this. You're an adult and no one has the right to say what you can and can't do. It sounds like you know this already, but the first step is recognising that this isn't right.

It's easy for posters to say LTB but the reality of how to do so is really difficult. You need good solid advice perhaps from WA.

Remember you are worth more than the shit this prick is handing out. Sending