How bad is it? And what can I do?

[GizzyTiedToATree]

Posting from work as I suspect DH to have installed a keylogger at home. It means that I don't know when I will be able to come back.

I have been with DH for 13 years, married for 9, 3DCs aged 10, 7 and 4.

DH is sulking. Again. This time, it is because on Sunday, when he was lecturing DS about his Minecraft use, he said "you have a problem, just like Mum has a problem - she goes directly from a computer screen to a book". I asked him if I wasn't allowed to read books now. He hasn't spoken to me since.
He sulks, sometimes for weeks at a time. Here are a few examples of things that have set him off in the past and that I find myself avoiding :

• going on Mumsnet
• going on the internet in general
• wearing a knee-length skirt at work
• wearing lipstick
• being in the staff room at work (I am a teacher)
• watching a film with Richard Armitage
• saying hello to a male acquaintance
• coming back from work at 12:35 instead of 12:30

He constantly slags me off to the DC ("you never finish things, like your mother" / "you never admit you're wrong, like your mother"), tells them I don't do anything around the house (I do about 90% of housework, childcare and cooking), that I spend all the family's money, that I am selfish, that he wishes he had not married me. He even made references to my "mileage" in front of them (he resents the fact that I was not a virgin when we met. I was 23 and I had had sex three times).

I find it hard to convey how ground down I feel. I try to talk to him, but either he stonewalls me like now, or he tells me that everything is my fault.
I would like to hear that he can change, but I am starting to realise that I cannot make him change.
Apart from LTB, is there anything I can do on a day-to-day basis?

Omg op. He's horrific. That's no life. There is something seriously wrong with him and nothing that you do or don't do is going to change that. Please leave him. This is sounding so extreme and scary.

Yup. It was the key logging comment that was all you needed to say...

You've had superb advice from all the wealth of experience from MN.

Go act on it. Neither you or your children need him in your lives.

And do you know what? You'll be making friends before you know it.

You know deep down that this isn't right. He's treating you like dirt, not like someone he loves and if that is the love he has to offer, then it sucks. You can't let your children growing up watching and hearing this every day, they are never going to understand what love is. And you deserve better. The fact he installed a keylogger is horrifying.
And don't for one second worry about what he is thinking or saying - he is poison, toxic and his opinion is worth nothing. Nothing. So don't give it a second in your head. Get your ducks in a row and leave him. Without looking back. And tell your Mum, she's seen this for herself, she loves you and she will do everything she can to support you.

OP I've never told anyone to leave before but please, please, leave. Take your time, do it thoroughly and let him think and say and do whatever he likes. He'll likely blame you, he'll likely say he always knew you were doing x, y and z. Let him say those things. He's saying them to keep you doing the "let me prove you wrong" dance. Stop that immediately.

Let him reap what he's sown, let him stew in his "told you so" mentality. The best punishment for him is to let him live a life alone and unhappy. The sense of relief you and your DCs will feel once you're away from him will be incredible.

As for your DH, if he's reading, he's a cunt. Anyone who treats a woman like this doesn't love her. Anyone who demeans and devalues a woman is a godwaful husband and father. To set such a shitty example for his DCs is vile. I hope he spends the rest of his life alone, bitter and unhappy. If you're here, Mr Gizzy, read these replies and take a long, long look at the fact that a woman who once loved you has now reached the point where she can not longer stomach your antics. And brace yourself for the horror of realising you no longer control her; once she's found her feet (and believe me, she's finding them) you have lost.

He's abusing your children and unlike you they don't get a choice.

There isn't a parallel universe where he's different or an act or dialogue that will change him, THIS IS WHO HE IS.

He is an extremely poisonous man. He says such vile things to you and you've stopped even noticing. Do you want your children to thing that's normal? That it's ok??

I suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft - at work maybe if he'll notice it at home. It should help you get your head around things.

I also think you need specialist advice and support, can you call Women's Aid?

Lastly if your mum is likely to be supportive, can you talk to or see her without him being present?

I do hope you will get the support you need to leave such a nasty, abusive and controlling man.

Oh and check out the abuser profiles (an extract from the book I recommended), I expect a lot of it will be familiar to you!

He's an emotionally abusive cunt. There's no changing him or living with him on a day to day basis unless you chose to live with an abusive cunt.

Hey, in answer to your op, this is very bad and behaviour that is in line with emotional abuse, no one should be putting up with this in a relationship. No one.

What can you do ? Ring your local women's refuge for advice of how to get him out of the house, or women's aid, whoever picks up the phone first.

What he is doing is illegal, it's emotional abuse and you are well within your rights to ask him to leave, if he won't leave you can ask the police to remove him, but again ring women's aid or the refuge for advice they will be able to help you.

You can be free from this abuser, he's grinding you down and that's how they work, he's a walking cliche and the women's aids workers will have hear it all before so don't feel embarrassed. You can do this !

Oh yes, the '"let me prove you wrong" dance' - you will never prove him wrong, You will never prove that you have been doing nothing wrong, because there is no proof of something not being done! The fact that you don't fall on every nearby penis - is not important, and you cannot prove that you don't, iyswim.

The constant trying to catch you out, the put-downs, the belittling and criticism - are all bad enough.

Get out.

Honestly I'm horrified at his behaviour, it's absolutely vile.

You admit yourself you have been playing down this behaviour, or concocting fantasies to explain it away. It sounds as if the mists are beginning the clear, and I really hope so for your children's sake and your future happiness.

There is nothing to be done day to day I'm afraid, it's one of the most clear cut LTB's I've ever seen. I think you know that too.

I do think you get used to it. My ex wasn't even this bad (more passive-aggressive nastiness and gaslighting, than direct attacks). But I used to feel so ground down and exhausted and stressed, and I'd just skirt around things to avoid setting him off. Then I'd get pushed too far and get really cross and shout, then he'd play the victim and I'd have to apologise. It was an awful habitual merry-go-round.

After leaving, I now know I couldn't accept that kind of crap day-to-day, but then I did, because I was just in head-down get-through-the-day mode.

He often comes round to see/pick up the kids and we're trying to be amicable etc. The other day he reverted to his old bollocks, trying to convince me I hadn't told him something about a plan with the kids, that I had (in an email ffs).

I went into another room and quietly burst into tears. It wasn't even a major example but it brought back all the hurt and frustration and communication problems that I endured for so long. Now that I haven't been having to live with it all and being so ground down, I can actually feel what I really feel about it - massively upset.

The day I told him it was over I literally felt like I could breathe again. I walked down the street taking big gulps of air. Just knowing I didn't have to "solve" the impossibleness and I wasn't in the relationship any more felt amazing.

I would contact Women's Aid, as he sounds so controlling and could possibly get really nasty if/when you end it. You need a plan, and your mum to help if that's an option.

OP I hope you're ok and can find a way to come back and tell us how you're doing. Feel worried for your safety.

he is going to say that he was right all the way, that I never loved him, that he has wasted over 10 years of his life on me
And has he got you feeling so bad about yourself that you even think he might be right?
Has he ever loved you? Have the years of your life spent with him been wonderful and rewarding? Has he been a great husband?

He sounds incredible insecure and very oppressing.

How do the older children respond or feel about things?

All of it sounds very concerning, was he a virgin when you met then? He is religious? He sounds mega conservative if he's not. The skirt length and lipstick for example. Does he want you to look pretty for him? Is he just super insecure?

The degrading you in front of the kids is another major warning bell. To be honest it would be enough for me to leave, I'm not having the kids think that's ok. It's so hard though and never that simple. But it's shocking.

The idea that your not working as a teacher, or that the washing machines does all the work, sorry I think I would have stopped cooking for him or washing his clothes, or doing anything for him. Actually I would have left him to it for a few weeks. If I wasn't concerned about the kids I would have left them too.

Is he financially controlling too?

How do you respond to his reactions? I mean if my husband had made comments about me being home 5 minutes late I would have had serious words about an adult feeling the need to curfew another adult.

He restricts what you watch? Does he watch films? Is it the same rules for him than for you?

I half expect you to say he is religious, because that would maybe explain his view points in some of the ideas but still the points stand and don't excuse his actions. If it's a religion thing, do you have the same religion?

What you can do is challenge him, I'm getting the impressions especially from the comments your mother made that you don't say anything in reaction to how points? Not sure if that's true. You need to call him out, he is being abusive in his words, you do not have to put up with it nor should you. You don't want you're children thinking that is normal either.

Get rid. Seriously get rid.

OP, you said you don't have any friends - I don't even need to guess why that is, he made quite sure it was easier for you not to have any than to put up with his moods and accusations.

He sounds absolutely vile. And the reason you wasted 10 years is not a reason to also waste the rest, is it?

Sorry for coming back to the thread so late. Thank you again for all your answers.
I have been thinking a lot those last few days. I have found a downloadable copy of Why Does He Do That - I could not stop reading it. Some passages were spookily accurate. Sadly the file was damaged and lots of parts were missing. I am going to order a physical copy of the book (and perhaps have it delivered at my mother's).

DH was on his best behaviour for a few days but it all blew up yesterday. The reason is that I went for a swim.
I would like to give the whole story and ask you for your opinion.
On Tuesday afternoon I had two meetings (I normally don't work at those hours). There was a three-hour gap between the meetings. No one was at home so I didn't want to make the hour-long round trip, and the schoolyear is almost over in France so I did not have any tests to mark or lessons to prepare. I asked DH if there was anything he needed me to do in the town where I worked. The answer was no, so I went to the swimming pool.
It was the first time in over ten years that I was doing something out of the house, by myself, that was not related to work or to the DCs. I have never been out clothes shopping, or having a drink with friend I don't have, or doing an activity.
That night DH was livid. After a few remarks about men in Speedos he called me selfish and lazy in front of DS. I asked him to tell me exactly what was wrong with me going swimming, and what I was supposed to do with my afternoon in his opinion. Of course he could not answer, so he accused me of focusing on one small detail and forgetting the big picture.
DS was looking increasingly alarmed, so suddenly DH got up and tried to hug me (forced me to hug him when I tried to pull away). I think it was all a show to look like the good guy in front of DS. I went upstairs until DS's bedtime.
When DH saw that I was not coming back downstairs to listen to more abuse talk, he yelled "well I guess I can go fuck myself" (I am trying to translate from French the best I can - original version available for French-speaking Mumsnetters :-) ) and slammed a door. He has not talked to me since.

He ruined the day's organisation yesterday too, but I am afraid I have been to long already.
Can I ask for your opinion about the swimming incident? It was typical of his behaviour and I guess I am going to hear "Well at least I don't go swimming!!" every time we disagree about something for the next ten years.

Goodness me. I am so glad you went swimming and I hope you enjoyed it. There was nothing wrong with going swimming at all. Your "D"H had no explanation for why he had a problem with it, because there is no explanation! Other than that he doesn't want you to do a single thing for yourself

I speak French btw and I can work out what he said. Yes he can go fuck himself!

Leave, grab your children, your purse and your documents and go to your mothers.

Do you have a Kindle or a smartphone/tablet with the Kindle app? If so you can buy the book as a Kindle download:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_0Krozb0KFE6NZ?tag=mumsnetforum-21

AnotherEmma I discovered that one length left me gasping for oxygen - not my proudest moment as I consider myself rather fit.
It was strange because my brain had no idea what to do - not looking after the house or the DCs, or working. It felt wrong somehow.

DH one told me that he likes it when I take the DCs swimming because he knows that I am unable to relax for a second, unlike when I take them to a park. Why would someone say that? Why would someone THINK that?

ONCE told me

He is a monster. Such a nasty, vile piece of shit.

Sorry OP.

(I'm sure you'll get your fitness back btw )

I have to go to my next lesson but I should be able to come back this afternoon.
Thanks again