How bad is it? And what can I do?

[GizzyTiedToATree]

Posting from work as I suspect DH to have installed a keylogger at home. It means that I don't know when I will be able to come back.

I have been with DH for 13 years, married for 9, 3DCs aged 10, 7 and 4.

DH is sulking. Again. This time, it is because on Sunday, when he was lecturing DS about his Minecraft use, he said "you have a problem, just like Mum has a problem - she goes directly from a computer screen to a book". I asked him if I wasn't allowed to read books now. He hasn't spoken to me since.
He sulks, sometimes for weeks at a time. Here are a few examples of things that have set him off in the past and that I find myself avoiding :

• going on Mumsnet
• going on the internet in general
• wearing a knee-length skirt at work
• wearing lipstick
• being in the staff room at work (I am a teacher)
• watching a film with Richard Armitage
• saying hello to a male acquaintance
• coming back from work at 12:35 instead of 12:30

He constantly slags me off to the DC ("you never finish things, like your mother" / "you never admit you're wrong, like your mother"), tells them I don't do anything around the house (I do about 90% of housework, childcare and cooking), that I spend all the family's money, that I am selfish, that he wishes he had not married me. He even made references to my "mileage" in front of them (he resents the fact that I was not a virgin when we met. I was 23 and I had had sex three times).

I find it hard to convey how ground down I feel. I try to talk to him, but either he stonewalls me like now, or he tells me that everything is my fault.
I would like to hear that he can change, but I am starting to realise that I cannot make him change.
Apart from LTB, is there anything I can do on a day-to-day basis?

You know what?
Try the chat. - prob won't work.
Then start making your leaving plans and carry on regardless of what he says.
At best he might have an epiphany whereupon you direct him towards some therapy.
He might just continue to be a hideous controlling twat though and then you've lost nothing!

He is going to blame you anyway. This is no life for you or your children. Definitely time to bail out. Get your ducks in a row without telling him and then leave.

Crikey, your dc are going to learn to despise you from him. And treat their future partners like utter shit or allow themselves to be treated like utter shit.

You need to get out.

Don't worry about what he thinks or says. You know it's not true anyway. He's controlling, abusive and insecure and a bully. Leave him. Even if you could put up with it, this is incredibly damaging to your children.

If he does say that stuff just say yes I don't love you why would I when you treat me like shit?
Stop believing his abuse and admit you don't love him to yourself, it's ok and natural not to love someone who is horrid to you.

Wow. What a twat.
How can you put up with this nonsense?

I think you know what to do. Why did you initially say apart from ltb? What's wrong with leaving him? He's controlling and he's setting a horrible example of a man's behaviour to your children.

If I say I am considering divorce, he is going to say that he was right all the way, that I never loved him, that he has wasted over 10 years of his life on me.

So what? You can't not leave him because he'll say that. It sounds like that's how he controls you, by saying things that make you feel like shit, and that's what's ground you down so much.

The answer could be "Fine, so let's both stop wasting our time and separate as amicably as possible."

He does sound unbearable, abusive and controlling and I'm with others that you should leave. But I know how hard that is and that it can take time to find your courage.

When I was in that place, I resolved to do what I could to make myself happy and make myself feel stronger. It was hard to disengage from my ex (as I was always so upset by his behaviour) but I would do things like go swimming if I could find the time, buy myself a magazine, meet a friend, plan a trip with the DC, have coffee out - little things that did not involve him. I bought posh expensive chocolates, hid them and treated myself one a day when he wasn't there. I was in limbo and I knew I would leave, but I had to get to that point. I think being kind to yourself and carving out your own private happinesses, even if they are tiny, paves the way for you to make a life of your own.

The list of things in your OP is stuff that everyone should be able to do and enjoy. You can look forward to have a life of doing what you like. Onwards and upwards

Nothing he says is true op - he just makes up anything which will control the way you behave. He's a weak person - almost a child - who never learnt was truth was.

It's not your job to teach him this and he has probably always been like it - maybe his father was like it too.

You may not fully realise yet how much he controls you. Have a look at the freedom programme on line.

How he feels and what he does is totally his responsibility (no matter how much he protests it isn't) and how you feel and what you do is yours.

I am struggling to see what he adds to yours and your children's life.

You say you have no friends? Coincidence or not considering his uber-controlling behaviour? Somehow I doubt it.

As above - ducks in a row and LTB. I strongly suspect it will be the best decision you ever make.

I thought you should LTB from the point you mentioned a key logger. If you have grounds to suspect this then you are past the point of no return.

My advice: call Women's Aid
Talk to your Union, there will be a helpline.
At some point talk to your head or department/head.
You will get a lot of support from colleagues - which is why he doesn't want you to go in the staff room.

You think he's installed a keylogger? Goodness, that is no way to live.

You say you have no friends? Do you think he's contributed to that?

He's controlling everything.

I'd LTB purely for the key logger - why ?

Would you be happy if your children were in a relationship like this ?

OP, you are being emotionally abused, and this will never change if you stay.

I think you need to see a solicitor before talking to him, to find out where you stand legally.

Then you need to tell him, and if he responds as you think he will, about wasting ten years of his life, just respond with, 'ok, if that's what you think.'

He's trying to cut off your support network so that he has complete control over you. This is dangerous and very unhealthy. Your kids will either end up with partners like him, or grow to be like him. Don't let that happen.

What he thinks is irrelevant, totally irrelevant. You know the truth.

Get your ducks in a row and get out.

Are you in UK? I teach and am on half term, which is why I ask.

It's very bad. You know that. I hope you will find the courage to dump him and walk away. You know all the horrid things he will say but that doesn't make them remotely true.

Get yourself thoroughly sorted and divorce him. I bet you will find yourself some friends shortly thereafter.

If you have no RL support, use the wise ladies here and WA. You can do it.

Agree with all that's been said already
Plus you are not alone- you have all of us

I wonder if he wants me to be the one to end the relationship so that he can say everything is my fault.

His behaviour has already ended the relationship.

No one could have a relationship with that sort of constant criticism going on.

Look OP I know PPs have already said it, but the keylogger thing alone is enough to LTB.
This is how it started with my ex.

"Oh are you wearing that skirt to work?" (said with nasty sneer)
"Why would you say hello to him/her?" said about anyone from the checkout worker to a male mate from work.
"You don't need to spend all that time on FB/Twitter etc"

They do it to isolate you, they wan't all your attention on them and will not accept no for an answer.

My ex was v v controlling, to the point of "accidentally" breaking my phones/ keylogging and tracking my internet use, and eventually downright refusing to "let" me go out except to work (he was a cocklodger too!)

I only left when he tried to strangle me (not saying you will get to this point, but please don't let it get to that point, it's fucking dangerous!)

I know it's hard, but this is NOT OK, the only level of abuse in a relationship is absolutely zero.

Ducks in a row time lovely.

Do his words or thoughts really matter all that much? He has proved over many years he is a controlling arse. His opinion about you counts for absolutely nothing.

Oh OP: regardless of what else he does you THINK he might have installed a key logger on your computer. That alone is a violation of your privacy and its controlling. Even if he actually hasn't, you think he might have done, and that is enough to change your behavior. I imagine this coercive control goes a lot lot deeper. Speaking as a professional with a good job and seemingly in control of my life, I was also in a position of an emotionally abusive ex. Doesn't matter how educated or independent you are, it can still affect you deeply. I was also told repeatedly I didn't do anything depsite being the sole breadwinner.

You shouldn't have to live with his moods, he shouldn't stonewall you. Its all abuse. Read the Lundy Bancroft book "Why does he do that". it gets suggested on here a lot and for good reason. Tread carefully, and think about getting your life sorted so you can manage alone with the kids. You have no autonomy, that is a basic principle of being a human with your own right to self determination. He is eroding your sense of self. Good luck.

This is my first LTB, and I say it not only for you, but for your kids. As someone who used to have one parent being negative about the other, and telling me how much like said parent I was, I cannot emphasise enough how damaging that was for me, and it has had a knock on effect for many many years. As a child I felt as though the negative parent couldn't love me as I was like the other parent, as a teenager my self esteem plummeted and I developed depression, social anxiety, and eating disorders. Please, think of your children's wellbeing, and do what you know is right. for you OP. What a shitty situation to be in.

It is emotional abuse. Time to accept it and take steps to LTB.

Please leave! He sounds vile and he's got you feeling awful and guilty.

You aren't responsible for someone else being a wanker.

You can do a lot better and have a lovely life with your children.

You can make friends in the future. Meantime you have us. Take care and good luck

I've nothing to add to all this wise advice. I just wanted send you unmumsnetty (((hugs))) and say I love your username and your taste in films.

He's awful! How could you not be happier away from him?

About half an hour after I started this thread, me called me and mumbled something about apologizing, but apparently he couldn't talk to me then.
Either he sensed that he had gone too far or he is tracking me on Mumsnet.

A keylogger appeared on the computer a couple of years ago, but he swore it was a virus. I am at home now. Hell will break loose if he discovers I am writing about our relationship on MN, but I think I am past caring.

We spent Sunday (mother's day in France) with my DM and she later told me that she was horrified by the way he treated me. I thought the day had gone alright, but my DM made a list of all the little digs I barely notice any more. For example, when I told him that I would be working next Tuesday afternoon, he answered "you're not working, you're sitting on a chair". Or the way he recoils from me when I want to hold his hand.

Everytime I think it is going to get better, that he is stressed at work / upset by his mother's death / tired, but I feel I have been making excuses for him for years.