I am a long-term lurker and have only posted on a couple of threads previously to do with my sons' long term illness.
Please bear with me as this may be long but don't want to drip feed. I can't believe I'm writing this about my own life. I am hoping for advice as I feel utterly broken.
DH and I have been together for 26 years, married for nearly 20. We have a DD 13 and 2 DS's 11 and 9. The DS's both have a long-term life-limiting illness which requires a high level of medical intervention. I gave up work to care for them when the youngest was born.
I do all of the housework, ironing, cooking and 90% of stuff with the DC's as well as the care of my DSs.
DH has a history of being selfish and becoming obsessed with his hobbies. He has also let me down on many occasions.
Some examples are -
We struggled to conceive and had fertility treatment for our first 2 DCs. During this time I was very upset and became depressed to the point of feeling suicidal. He told me there was no point talking to him, he doesn't do feelings, talk to someone else.
When DD was 2 weeks old my DM nearly died. He was no support and continued his hobbies as normal.
DD was a difficult baby, cried constantly if she wasn't being fed or moved around and would never take a bottle meaning I was still breastfeeding at the end of my 6 month maternity leave. When I talked to him about the possibility of taking more time off he told me he wasn't going to pay for me to sit around drinking tea.
During the whole first year of her life he went to every football match his team played - home and away (supporter not player) as it might be his only chance to see them in the premier league.
We had a big family party the day before DDs 1st birthday instead of a christening. He went out afterwards and didn't come home - too drunk. I couldn't contact him and after waiting until lunchtime DD and I opened her presents without him.
During all of this time and since the boys were born he continued going out either Friday or Saturday nights getting drunk and many times staying out all night and phoning me to pick him up the next day. This only stopped when his mates started having children and didn't go out anymore.
He has since dropped the football but has took up a new obsession about 10 years ago which takes up much of his time at weekends and involves attending meetings 2-3 evenings per week. At one point he went PT at work to be able to do all this.
A couple of years ago I had to have a lump removed from my neck. This fortunately turned out to be benign but he called me on the ward to see if I knew where some leaflets relating to his hobby were.
There have been other incidents and our marriage reached the point where I no longer had any expectations of him and just considered it a bonus if he helped out or spent time with me and the DCs.
Anytime I have tried to talk to him about how I felt or how tired I was he shut down the discussion with a flippant comment e.g. He needs more sleep than me so has to have lie-ins both weekend days.
I realise that I probably have withdrawn emotionally from him and have not been initiating sex but rather enduring it to keep the peace. Up until recently he seemed happy and we got in well as friends enjoying each other's company while the DCs are at school.
I supported him to make a radical career change a couple of years ago but I realise I may not have given him the emotional support he has needed with aspects of the job.
He has recently been on a couple of works nights out and stayed out all night without contacting me.
About 3 weeks ago he asked me if I was happy which I wasn't because of all the above and I also felt he had been acting strangely for a few months now. He then said he thought we should split and there was no point trying counselling.
This week we have talked further, he delivered the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bombshell, and eventually I managed to get out of him that he had got emotionally close to someone at work and he was falling in love with her because she was fulfilling an emotional need which wasn't being met in our marriage.
He was then being all nicey, nicey with me but saying it was too hard to say goodbye to her, most of him wanted to stay with me but he needed more time to think. I was v upset remembering the good times and worrying about the children until yesterday when I told him he had to commit 100% to our marriage or it was over. I told him he has always acted selfishly and if he wants to save us he would have to get rid of her and come to counselling. Up until this point he seemed to think that I would either wait around until he made up his mind or we could do counselling with him still seeing her.
Today he is barely talking to me and now I'm thinking maybe I went too far.
Any advice would be gratefully received as I am struggling today. I have no family close by to help out with anything as I moved away from my home town to be with him.
Thank you if you have read this far and please be gentle I am feeling delicate.