DH loves me, not in love with me and emotional affair

[Miremont]

I am a long-term lurker and have only posted on a couple of threads previously to do with my sons' long term illness.

Please bear with me as this may be long but don't want to drip feed. I can't believe I'm writing this about my own life. I am hoping for advice as I feel utterly broken.

DH and I have been together for 26 years, married for nearly 20. We have a DD 13 and 2 DS's 11 and 9. The DS's both have a long-term life-limiting illness which requires a high level of medical intervention. I gave up work to care for them when the youngest was born.

I do all of the housework, ironing, cooking and 90% of stuff with the DC's as well as the care of my DSs.

DH has a history of being selfish and becoming obsessed with his hobbies. He has also let me down on many occasions.

Some examples are -
We struggled to conceive and had fertility treatment for our first 2 DCs. During this time I was very upset and became depressed to the point of feeling suicidal. He told me there was no point talking to him, he doesn't do feelings, talk to someone else.

When DD was 2 weeks old my DM nearly died. He was no support and continued his hobbies as normal.

DD was a difficult baby, cried constantly if she wasn't being fed or moved around and would never take a bottle meaning I was still breastfeeding at the end of my 6 month maternity leave. When I talked to him about the possibility of taking more time off he told me he wasn't going to pay for me to sit around drinking tea.

During the whole first year of her life he went to every football match his team played - home and away (supporter not player) as it might be his only chance to see them in the premier league.

We had a big family party the day before DDs 1st birthday instead of a christening. He went out afterwards and didn't come home - too drunk. I couldn't contact him and after waiting until lunchtime DD and I opened her presents without him.

During all of this time and since the boys were born he continued going out either Friday or Saturday nights getting drunk and many times staying out all night and phoning me to pick him up the next day. This only stopped when his mates started having children and didn't go out anymore.

He has since dropped the football but has took up a new obsession about 10 years ago which takes up much of his time at weekends and involves attending meetings 2-3 evenings per week. At one point he went PT at work to be able to do all this.

A couple of years ago I had to have a lump removed from my neck. This fortunately turned out to be benign but he called me on the ward to see if I knew where some leaflets relating to his hobby were.

There have been other incidents and our marriage reached the point where I no longer had any expectations of him and just considered it a bonus if he helped out or spent time with me and the DCs.

Anytime I have tried to talk to him about how I felt or how tired I was he shut down the discussion with a flippant comment e.g. He needs more sleep than me so has to have lie-ins both weekend days.

I realise that I probably have withdrawn emotionally from him and have not been initiating sex but rather enduring it to keep the peace. Up until recently he seemed happy and we got in well as friends enjoying each other's company while the DCs are at school.

I supported him to make a radical career change a couple of years ago but I realise I may not have given him the emotional support he has needed with aspects of the job.

He has recently been on a couple of works nights out and stayed out all night without contacting me.

About 3 weeks ago he asked me if I was happy which I wasn't because of all the above and I also felt he had been acting strangely for a few months now. He then said he thought we should split and there was no point trying counselling.

This week we have talked further, he delivered the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bombshell, and eventually I managed to get out of him that he had got emotionally close to someone at work and he was falling in love with her because she was fulfilling an emotional need which wasn't being met in our marriage.

He was then being all nicey, nicey with me but saying it was too hard to say goodbye to her, most of him wanted to stay with me but he needed more time to think. I was v upset remembering the good times and worrying about the children until yesterday when I told him he had to commit 100% to our marriage or it was over. I told him he has always acted selfishly and if he wants to save us he would have to get rid of her and come to counselling. Up until this point he seemed to think that I would either wait around until he made up his mind or we could do counselling with him still seeing her.

Today he is barely talking to me and now I'm thinking maybe I went too far.

Any advice would be gratefully received as I am struggling today. I have no family close by to help out with anything as I moved away from my home town to be with him.

Thank you if you have read this far and please be gentle I am feeling delicate.

Op this is so sad!
In your life you deserve love and you haven't had this since you were 18 by the sounds of things he's selfish and you're basically a single parent anyway, why would you need him around at all? He seems to make your life more difficult, you have to stress about him when he's out and go and get him in the morning. How would he feel if you went out and got drunk and he had to get you the next morning Just ONCE? I think this says a lot about a man to me, it's cool for him to do it but he couldn't deal one night with the kids.
Now he's cheated on you?! I feel so angry for you I think whether or not he comes back to you, you need to leave. He'll probably realise how much he needs you once you're gone, which is sad because the damage has been done and your confidence is clearly in tatters.
YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Holy shit. There is nothing to save. He has been so lucky to have you put up with him and please please get rid of him, the only apology you owe him is that you didn't kick him out long ago. I would call bullshit on 'he loves you' - HOW exactly has he ever shown it? He loves how convenient you have made his life and how you have made him look good to other people, but that's not a marriage and you don't owe him the time of day.

i understand that he is all you know, but that doesn't mean that your life won't be infinitely better without him. You've got Stockholm Syndrome. He's like one of those cult leaders who lock women up and treat them like slaves and convince everyone they're the big 'I am'.

Like POF I've been in a similar situation and couldn't stand the arse in the end. You need to break free of your programming and see him for the unloveable, nasty piece of work he actually is. Get angry. How DARE he treat you this way!

He has been a shit father and husband. The worthy job and community work pale into insignificance by his avoidance of responsibility and selfishness.

He has treated you so very badly over so many years: totally understandable if infidelity is your final straw.

This seems the type of man who would seek a "new life" with an OW to avoid parenting ill DC. Despicable.

Also shitty to try to pin it (partly) on you: he checked out and chose himself long before you took a step back.

Oh dear. I am sorry, but he is awful. By my reckoning, you are mid-40s. This is not a life and you have many years left. I was about a third down your OP and already thinking, what?!? Please do not apologise to this man. Stand firm (and start planning your exit...)

Well done OP

Getttttt ridddd seriously op he cant call the shots here hes told u hes fell for someone else n isnt in love with u u dssserve more n he sounds a prick n a shit dad also dont give him the satisfaction of ending this

I have just come back to this after doing all the boys treatments for the evening and getting them into bed.

Thank you for all your support.

At the moment I am struggling to hold back the tears. I'm exhausted, I haven't slept or eaten properly since all this started.

Part of me is thinking I have been a fool for putting up with this for so long and part of me is finding it hard to accept the things people are saying about DH even though I know they are true - guess that's the Stockholm Syndrome.

We have a joint mortgage and I could not afford to buy him out. I haven't worked for over 9 years. I get Carers Allowance and DLA for the DSs but have no idea how I could cope financially if we split.

Now I'm starting the ironing.

Apologise! Pack his fucking bags instead.

Oh Miremont... please go out and buy the OW flowers to thank her for taking this millstone off your hands. By the time I'd read a third of your post I wanted to kick him somwhere unmentionable. After the rest? I hope his cock rots off.

Kick the bugger into the big wide world and let him fend for himself. He really, really doesn't deserve to be let near any woman. And you deserve a proper life. Get evidence of his financials then tell the massive man-child to do one. If you're looking after the boys alone, you'll get a good share of mainenance.

You will be fine - honestly! You will thank the OW, your kids will be happier and you can find yourself. Financially you will adapt.

Even if he says he will commit to your marriage 100% do you really want that? I tried for 3 years to repair an already wrecked marriage after my exDH had an emotional affair - I could never get over it. He was also a selfish, entitled cockwomble too

You need to see a solicitor asap.

Failing that, you need the CAB.

Also have a look at www.entitledto.co.uk
It will help to identify what assistance you're entitled to.

Get your ducks in a row. It's vitally important.

You've already got this! Time to take full control as he hasn't had the decency to tell you whats going on re:OW.
Your children will need a home so he can continue to pay for that and as already mentioned, check entitled.co.uk.
Break free of this lazy selfcentred asshole. He can spend at least one day per week with your DC, a whole day (&night?) all to yourself. You can start getting your life back & you might find that people are very supportive - his image will crumble as it should.
I think you know he's having his cake etc so time to do what's right for you & DC. You don't have a life with this man, merely existing to keep his image as a nice bloke all. He's a tosser for treating you & your DC the way he does. You are stronger than you know and the only person who needs to apologise is your asshole husband. BTW let him do his own effing ironing

Do you have any family or friends around you who can support you? Of course it is going to be hard to see your husband in the new light - you have lived in his shadow for so long, you're all but eclipsed. Having people who care about you in on the journey will really help.

Part of me is thinking I have been a fool for putting up with this for so long and part of me is finding it hard to accept the things people are saying about DH even though I know they are true - guess that's the Stockholm Syndrome.

Miremont, this will stay with you for a while but listen to your head. You know what you have to do. As others have said, you're essentially a single parent as it is. I understand about finding it hard to accept the truth - it has taken me 9 months to get my head around the person I thought I was married to vs the person I was married to - it's part of the shock and disbelief at finding yourself out of the bubble you've lived in. But when you come out the other side you will be so so glad that you did.

Gosh why are you ironing now.
Go and have a cup pf tea or a glass of wine.
This man child has treated you badly for years and whose to say he hasn't been with other woman over the years.
He has had plenty of chances.
Has this dickhead ever taken you out anywhere.
You do not have a family unit with him.
You have done the dogs work all these years while hes been living the lifestyle of a single man.

Listen and see a lawyer .
You wont lose the home. And by the way while your at it set up a bank account for yourself and take as much as you need from his bank account.
You deserve a break from this hot mess of a ass wipe..

C'est un connard. Jete le de la maison, l'enfoiré. :(

Giraffey - my family don't live close but I know they would support me as much as they can. They think I should have ditched him a long time ago and can do better.

I do have some friends, one close friend has been through similar and is now thriving on her own. She thinks her DHs OW did her a favour.

One of my closest friends died recently which is making this all the harder.

Those of you that mentioned looking at entitled, thank you, I will do that.

I will also try and get to CAB for some advice.

Siwdmae - merci, je vous comprends.
I did my degree in French and always wanted to go and live in France. A dream I gave up to be with him.

Sounds like you've given up a lot to be with him

You do know that you can be happier than this, don't you?

Let him go. Give him a shove to send him on his way if you have to. He sounds like a dick.

You are already sounding strong Miremont, the positives you mentioned about your family seeing him for what he is, and your friend who's been in your position and is now much happier than she was when she was IN the relationship, are good to hear.

Honestly if you take control and tell him to fuck right off you will feel so much better. I think you know what you really want to do and just needed our encouragement.
I'm sorry about your boys' condition, and all the extra hard work you have to shoulder by yourself. And that bit about waiting for a baby then having to open her 1st birthday presents by yourself.
And ringing the hospital asking where leaflets were, just after you'd had a lump removed
Like a pp said, you should be sending the OW flowers.

My word, you really have been a doormat.
Don't you see, by him telling you what he has, he has done you a huge favour. How long would you have put up with him wiping his feet on you if he hadn't have told you what he has?
Start planning your and your children's future now. Stop doubting yourself and your capabilities.
Get in touch with the CAB, women's aid and whoever else may be able to give you good advice financially.
Let me give you two quick scenarios.
Mrs A was a young girl with dreams, she got married and gave up those dreams. Her husband treats her terribly, he cheats on her emotionally and she is so worn down and lacking in confidence through it that she spends her days wondering how she got herself into such a place, but hey, being with him his better than being alone, even though my life is going to be nothing but drudgery and resentment.
Mrs B was in the exact same position, but one day she woke up with the strength to do something about it before it was too late. Now she is a single mum, but she has taken up her dream again and is aiming to turn it into reality. She is happier now than she has ever been, as are her children, because they're living in such a nicer environment with a happy mum.

Who are you going to be? Mrs A or Mrs B ?

Thanks again everyone. I slept a bit better last night.

I asked him last night if he had dumped her. He said dumped her wasn't the right wording but yes they have had the conversation.

He has told me he will do whatever it takes. He doesn't seem to understand why I am so angry and I don't think he really believes he has done anything wrong.

Teutonic - I like your scenarios. I would definitely like to be Mrs B.

Going to try and forget about it for today and have a lovely time with the DCs and my DSis.