DH loves me, not in love with me and emotional affair

[Miremont]

I am a long-term lurker and have only posted on a couple of threads previously to do with my sons' long term illness.

Please bear with me as this may be long but don't want to drip feed. I can't believe I'm writing this about my own life. I am hoping for advice as I feel utterly broken.

DH and I have been together for 26 years, married for nearly 20. We have a DD 13 and 2 DS's 11 and 9. The DS's both have a long-term life-limiting illness which requires a high level of medical intervention. I gave up work to care for them when the youngest was born.

I do all of the housework, ironing, cooking and 90% of stuff with the DC's as well as the care of my DSs.

DH has a history of being selfish and becoming obsessed with his hobbies. He has also let me down on many occasions.

Some examples are -
We struggled to conceive and had fertility treatment for our first 2 DCs. During this time I was very upset and became depressed to the point of feeling suicidal. He told me there was no point talking to him, he doesn't do feelings, talk to someone else.

When DD was 2 weeks old my DM nearly died. He was no support and continued his hobbies as normal.

DD was a difficult baby, cried constantly if she wasn't being fed or moved around and would never take a bottle meaning I was still breastfeeding at the end of my 6 month maternity leave. When I talked to him about the possibility of taking more time off he told me he wasn't going to pay for me to sit around drinking tea.

During the whole first year of her life he went to every football match his team played - home and away (supporter not player) as it might be his only chance to see them in the premier league.

We had a big family party the day before DDs 1st birthday instead of a christening. He went out afterwards and didn't come home - too drunk. I couldn't contact him and after waiting until lunchtime DD and I opened her presents without him.

During all of this time and since the boys were born he continued going out either Friday or Saturday nights getting drunk and many times staying out all night and phoning me to pick him up the next day. This only stopped when his mates started having children and didn't go out anymore.

He has since dropped the football but has took up a new obsession about 10 years ago which takes up much of his time at weekends and involves attending meetings 2-3 evenings per week. At one point he went PT at work to be able to do all this.

A couple of years ago I had to have a lump removed from my neck. This fortunately turned out to be benign but he called me on the ward to see if I knew where some leaflets relating to his hobby were.

There have been other incidents and our marriage reached the point where I no longer had any expectations of him and just considered it a bonus if he helped out or spent time with me and the DCs.

Anytime I have tried to talk to him about how I felt or how tired I was he shut down the discussion with a flippant comment e.g. He needs more sleep than me so has to have lie-ins both weekend days.

I realise that I probably have withdrawn emotionally from him and have not been initiating sex but rather enduring it to keep the peace. Up until recently he seemed happy and we got in well as friends enjoying each other's company while the DCs are at school.

I supported him to make a radical career change a couple of years ago but I realise I may not have given him the emotional support he has needed with aspects of the job.

He has recently been on a couple of works nights out and stayed out all night without contacting me.

About 3 weeks ago he asked me if I was happy which I wasn't because of all the above and I also felt he had been acting strangely for a few months now. He then said he thought we should split and there was no point trying counselling.

This week we have talked further, he delivered the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bombshell, and eventually I managed to get out of him that he had got emotionally close to someone at work and he was falling in love with her because she was fulfilling an emotional need which wasn't being met in our marriage.

He was then being all nicey, nicey with me but saying it was too hard to say goodbye to her, most of him wanted to stay with me but he needed more time to think. I was v upset remembering the good times and worrying about the children until yesterday when I told him he had to commit 100% to our marriage or it was over. I told him he has always acted selfishly and if he wants to save us he would have to get rid of her and come to counselling. Up until this point he seemed to think that I would either wait around until he made up his mind or we could do counselling with him still seeing her.

Today he is barely talking to me and now I'm thinking maybe I went too far.

Any advice would be gratefully received as I am struggling today. I have no family close by to help out with anything as I moved away from my home town to be with him.

Thank you if you have read this far and please be gentle I am feeling delicate.

No, he hasn't ended it with her. Why would he? He's living the life of Riley! He's telling you both what you want you hear so that he can keep both of you running around after him.

Really hope you're doing no domestic work at all for him at the moment. If you are: stop!

Fuck me!

Read your post and imagine it's your daughter who's written it. You wouldn't allow anyone to treat her like this, so respect yourself enough to leave him.

I'm really shocked that it came as a bombshell that he didn't love you as it sounds like he's never treated you with any love or even basic respect. He might be respected in the community blah blah but if he can't treat his wife and children well then it seems like that side is all a show anyway. I'm sure he loves looking like the hero and people probably think you're really lucky for being with him. Bet he loves that too.

Please don't even think about relationship counselling. He doesn't care about you enough to engage. I would seriously consider relate or similar counselling for yourself as an individual though as I question why you've allowed yourself to be treated in this awful way for so many years.

He needs to move out for a time IMO to give you time to think, and take time off work to do a fair share of parenting. He clearly thinks after his bombshell that his life will continue as before.

He has done the first GOOD thing for you in your entire marriage. Leave! Be happy! Be on your own or find someone who thinks you're amazing.

You're worth so much more than this fucking dickhead.

Agree with the other posters, your life will be much better without this manchild. Emotional needs? Arsehole.

Get some good legal advice and let the other woman have him

Miremont, what does he mean he hasn't dumped her? That's unacceptable. He's either with her or you. You need to regain some control here. I would suggest asking him to move out while you "decide what you want".

The emotional affair really is the least of it. I only had to read your first two examples to see what type of man he is. He's selfish and callous and it doesn't sound like he has ever once put himself out for you or your children. OP, you sound so utterly, sadly defeated -the fact that you're wondering if you went too far in giving him an ultimatum. That you could even think that shows how accustomed the both of you are to you basically lying down and him trampling across you. He's described maternity leave as paying for you to sit about drinking tea. That shows how he undervalues the work you do in the home and it shows how little he has to do with his kids -because no one who has actually looked after a baby would call it sitting around drinking tea.
Do you ever get a lie in or is it you who is getting up with the kids everyday?
Does he ever cook for the five of you?
Does he take the kids out at weekends so you've time to yourself?
How much free time would you say he has a week? How much would you say you have -not including housework or childcare?
Does he do washing up or laundry?
Does he ever Hoover?
Has he ever given you emotional support when you've been upset or worried?
Has it ever been the case where you've been the one going out getting blind drunk at night and calling him to pick you up the next day? (Notice that when his friends started having children, all this stopped, presumably because they're more decent and knew that they now had responsibilities. Your husband clearly feels that the children are your responsibility.)
Please leave him. The affair is nothing compared to the years of neglect and disinterest he has shown you. Please don't let your children think that this is what normal relationships are like and be doomed to repeat the pattern.

Badgoushk - I think when he says he hasn't "dumped her" he considers this is the wrong phrase because he doesn't see it as an affair.

It took a lot for him to even admit it was an inappropriate friendship. He thinks it's only an affair if sex is involved.

Catherine - I absolutely wouldn't want my daughter to be treated like this.

It doesn't matter if the OW is still in the picture or not. This relationship has drained the life out of you. It needs to end.

Do not apologise, you did the right thing by telling him to commit 100% to your marriage. By telling you about this woman, he was asking you for your consent to conduct an affair.

Stay strong and prepare yourself and your children life without him if he is not committed to you 100%

I'd also be interested to hear the answers to Collidascope's questions.

Miremont my heart goes out to you- it is so hard to pull away from them isn't it? It is the lifelong conditioning that what you think and need are not important and that you should be putting his needs first. It took me a while- I went for counselling on my own and I started to tell people what he was like- it was almost like I needed validation.

When I told him I'd had enough his reaction was to go straight online and get another woman. He told me he'd had no choice, he'd had to do it to get himself away from me! I used this to my advantage- after all it showed me exactly who he was. As I said men like this can't stand on their own two feet. It also meant that if I wavered ( and I did) I had no choice too. Use the OW to your advantage too.

My kids who were older teens were understandably devastated to start with but at no time did they ever blame me. They'd also never been made a priority and totally got why I'd had enough- they've never been anything but encouraging and supportive to me and still get utterly fed up with their father who still can't put them first ever!

On my own I feel free - life is for living. It's amazing putting yourself first. Being on your own emotionally is a doddle, after all we have been anyway haven't we? It's the practical things that are daunting but you know what - you can do it.

Collidascope - he does very little around the house.

I get up between 5.30 - 6.00 every morning to do treatments. I have never had a lie in for the whole time of having children.

He occasionally puts some washing on and puts washing away. He never irons or cooks.

He has never taken all 3 DCs out on his own but will do stuff with 1 or 2 of them - mostly stuff he would want to do anyway even if they weren't there. Whenever he has taken them I still get up to do treatments, breakfast, get them ready and make them a picnic if required.

I do have some free time during the day if they are at school and have recently started running a couple of times a week. A lot of my time is taken up with sorting out meds, washing and sterilising medical equipment, medical appointments and meetings at school. Housework takes up a lot of time as we have quite a big house. I don't think I am over the top about how clean it has to be but I did grow up in a house where little was done in the way of dusting and cleaning and my DM is somewhat of a hoarder which was embarrassing so I do worry about what people will think.

When the DCs are at home they are with me most of the time.

He has a lot more free time than me.

He looks after the finances including sorting out insurances, mows the lawn, gets rid of spiders (I am horribly arachnophobic), does all the technology stuff around computer and phones.

When DS2 was born he used to go into work late and finish late so he could take DD to school. He did this for about 5 years.

He used to help out with some of the treatment in the morning on school days but doesn't do this anymore.

Recently I have noticed he has been engaging more with the DCs and has started spending a bit more time with us at weekends. I am wondering if this is down to a guilty conscience.

If he actually felt that guilty and shitty he'd have moved out by now and give you some space; as it is he has told you he hasn't quite ended anything and is happily stringing you along, hedging his bets, I wonder who is lucky enough to win this prize arsehole.

Miremont, maybe this is a blessing is disguise . The man sounds horrible, I mean one thing is liking a hobbie , men and women have hobbies, another thing is acting like a jerk ,thinking you have to work, you have to take care of the kids and you have to do it all on your own. Darling I'm so sorry you are going through this but from the outside it looks like the end of an agonising , selfish , manipulative relationship , I'm sad for you but also think this could be the beginning of something beautiful , after all you have been alone this entire time, except you have to put up with him , and still be his taxi driver. Please , whatever you do, don't beat yoursel up, let him go, you didn't go too far, anything you had said that was straight and decisive would have pushed him away... He sounds like a complete waste of space, think of how wonderful life will be , once the jerk is gone.

You've clearly had an awful time with your son's illnesses and I imagine having to worry about that and deal with it everyday must be absolutely draining. You must be exhausted from doing all that caring for them entails and it must be very hard to stand up for yourself to your husband when you're so worn down and tired. The fact that he has never once taken over the morning treatments is frankly disgusting. He's taken advantage of you being too defeated and 'in the habit' of doing it.
I think you should leave him but if you don't want to do that yet, start divvying up tasks so that you and he have equal amounts of free time. You're the one getting up early during the week, so he should do it weekends and let you sleep in etc. If he's taking kids out, he makes his own damn picnic, like you would if you were taking them out, because they are HIS children too and you shouldn't have to be grateful that he's taking them off your hands for a bit. If he won't do any of this, you really need to think about ending the relationship - if not for yourself, then for your daughter so she knows this isn't an acceptable dynamic.

*Sons'
Bloody autocorrect

It will be hard as hell if you go your separate ways, but i think that is what you absolutely need to do.

I have been separated from my husband of 17 years (together for 22) for 5 weeks, and it hurts a lot even though i know deep down that it is for the best for us, and for the DC's (10 & 5). He has put no effort into our marriage for a long long time, and i have been doing everything on my own anyway, as it sounds you have too.

He made the decision in the end to move out, and told me our marriage wasn't worth fighting/trying for and off he went - he sees the kids for a couple of hours twice a week - giving me less than a weeks' notice - is never available to have them overnight, or on a weekend.

But do you know what - as much as it hurts that our family meant that little to him - I haven't missed him, not one little bit. I feel angry at how he's treated me since he left (another story..), and desperately sad for the DC's - but after the kids have gone to bed on a night, i have not once felt lonely.

Between the anger, and sadness i also feel a huge sense of relief - that at last i don't have to drive home from work, wondering if he's bothered to come straight home from work, or if he'll be in the pub. I don't have to sit in on my own on a night knowing that he'd rather be in the pub with strangers than sat in the house with his own wife. I will never again have to make excuses to my family to explain why he couldn't be bothered to come round to visit, or explain to the kids that i don't know if daddy will be home by bedtime or not - even though he finished work 5 hours ago.

I feel better about it every day - but there are days when i cry a lot out of anger and frustration.

Finding other people who have gone through the same will be a great help (parents at school/clubs maybe??) as they are the ones who truly understand what you are going through, and that just because you have initiated the split, or are clearly 'better off without him' - it doesn't make the pain any less.

Good luck - I hope you find your way through this dreadful time
xx

Thank you once again for your support.

I've had a lovely day out today and it was great to be away from him for a bit.

I'm tired tonight though and feeling emotional.

At the moment I think I just need to concentrate on getting through each day.

I feel much clearer now that I want to get out of this situation so I need to start taking small steps towards achieving that.

DS2 is going into hospital next week and needs 2 weeks of more intensive treatment. Once that is out of the way I can start focusing on my own future.

Thanks everyone who has taken time to read and post xx

Hope it goes well with DS over the next two weeks.

Good for you for deciding to take back control over your future.

wow, if you were to split up and share responsibility for the children 50:50 your life would improve so much.

would you trust your h to get up at 5.30 am and give the treatments?

Morning. Things have moved fast since yesterday.

We talked and argued last night and have decided to split.

He has done some thinking and it seems clear that he cannot give up his "friendship" with this woman and also fails to accept it is inappropriate. Also that he will never put me before his hobbies.

We are still going to go to Relate to help us sort this out. My main goal now is to do this as amicably as possible for the children.

In my heart I know this is the right thing for us all and is really what I have wanted since he first talked about splitting. At the moment though I feel as though my insides have been torn out.

Thank you to you all for helping me to get here

Oh Miremont

I don't know what to say. I'm quite pleased for you but that's not what you want to hear at the moment, is it?

Please know that, no matter what happens now, that you are going to be so much happier than you are at the moment. This is an absolutely enormous change and it's going to be as scary as hell, but you're going to look back at this exact moment and realise what a turning point it is.

The pain will lessen, like a bereavement it becomes easier to cope with in time. You need to give yourself that opportunity to grieve. But please know that it will get better. You will be happy, I promise xx

I wish it had happened in a way where you felt more in control,and able to prepare and organise. However, life will be easier without him than with him. Just make sure he learns how to look after his children, and does a good bit of contact. It is important for them and for you!